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Author Topic: Reflections of a Jedi (After "Visions of the Future" - Luke Skywalker) Completed.
Jade_Max 
Registered: Jun '02
Date Posted: 6/16/04 8:56am Subject: Reflections of a Jedi (After "Visions of the Future" - Luke Skywalker) Completed. - Date Edited: 6/30/04 7:13pm (3 edits total) Edited By: Jade_Max
Disclaimer: I don't own it, it all belongs to George.

I don't normally write in 1st person, for those of you that know my writing, but I couldn't find a way to do this without out..

Please let me know what you think - this came to me while I was writing another of my stories and it hasn't let me go. Maybe if I start and finish it, it'll go.

Thank you in advance for your comments!

**************

Reflections of a Jedi: Post Visions of the Future
by Jade_Max

Where to begin?

It seems almost everyone knows my story, so nothing I say will likely come as a surprise or a shock to you. Or will it? My story is known through actions and deeds, not by how I felt or viewed it, or am now looking back on it. You may know what I did, but not understand how. You may understand the how, but not the why. And even a few of you may understand why, but not to the extent of real comprehension.

Does anyone truly understand what it is to spend your childhood not knowing why you're not allowed to spend time around the populated areas of a world that's almost lifeless? To be kept isolated for a fear you can almost see, but don't understand? I don't know. Do I truly want anyone to go through what I did?

I have spent much of my life alone. Loved but not needed. Needed but not wanted. Wanted but not intergrated. Intergrated but not accepted.

I have spent it with aliens that defy explanation or contemplation. And yet I have never, until recently, been able to find myself with someone who has truly accepted me.

Acceptance. How precious. A treasure that means little to those with large families. An elusive goal for someone like me. Someone who's never understood the intricacies of a real relationship because they were never allowed to form those relationships. I was allowed friends, acquaintences, but I was not encouraged to go beyond.

Perhaps that has left me stunted when it comes to my emotions. Probably the reason I've been unable to accept or grow beyond the younger people in my life. Or to grow to the level of the older.

But that's not my purpose. I want you to understand what has made me the Jedi I am today. I'm hoping my story, from my point of view, will help you understand.



 

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Jade_Max 
Registered: Jun '02
Date Posted: 6/16/04 10:13am Subject: RE: Reflections of a Jedi (After "Visions of the Future")
I don't know where I was born or who my parents were. At least at the time. I know I grew up on a world of sand and desert called Tattooine with two caring individuals I thought of as parents; until they told me otherwise.

Aunt Beru made it very clear from the start she and Uncle Owen were not my parents. For a child, knowing that you've never seen your parents or even have an idea of what they look like, it's very difficult. I always wondered if I looked like my father or my mother. Even when Uncle Owen put me to work in the furthest fields fixing the vapourators, I wondered.

I used to dream they'd someday come back and I could ask them all my questions. Why they didn't want me, why they chose Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen and where had they been.

I always wanted to ask why everyone was always so afraid for me.

Uncle Owen was strict, keeping my contact with the surrounding farmers to a minimum and so I rarely met anyone except the Darklighters and my family.

Even the Darklighters seemed to understand that my contact with Biggs was to be kept to a minimum. I only noticed whenever Biggs always wanted to go do something in Anchorhead and had to ask my Uncle for permission.

Uncle Own was always afraid for me and of me. I would never understand why until after they were both gone.

Aunt Beru... she was an angel. She looked after my gruff old Uncle, making sure he knew the concequences of all the actions he was going to inflict on me. Looking back, I know that they knew who my parents were, they just chose never to tell me. I will always wonder why. Why they couldn't tell me. Why they were afraid and why they always deflected my questions.

I have since found out who my father was, but not his connection to the Lars family. I will probably never know as those who could answer that question are long since dead.

Obi-Wan Kenobi, Owen Lars, Beru Lars, the Emperor, Yoda and lastly, Darth Vader - my father.

All of them dead and all of them my responsibility. My Aunt and Uncle died when the droids I purchased led the Empire to our homstead. The only comfort I have is that they died together. Neither would have survived without the other and they are still together in the Force. Of that I have the utmost confidence.

Obi-Wan Kenobi died fighting Darth Vader and allowing my friends and I to escape. My mentor, my friend, if only for a short period of time, he influenced me greatly. The man who set me on the path of becoming the last Jedi Knight in the galaxy.

The Emperor, who tried to corrupt and seduce me because my father had fallen to his power. The man who embodied all things evil and vile in the galaxy, and yet tried to appear ever the mentor. I can only wonder what he had once been that allowed him to corrupt my father and turn him against the Jedi. Sadly, I will never learn the answer to this question, and it's more pressing than one would think. I likely have much of my father in me and to know what turned him, to know what he succumbed to, would let me sleep better at night.

Lastly, Darth Vader, my father. Also known as Anakin Skywalker before the darkness took him. He came back to save me from the man who had engineered his downfall. Yet for most of my life, I didn't know who he was. I didn't know he was alive and considered to be evil. I didn't know, and will never know, why he chose to hide me from the Emperor. Or if that was even his decision.

Growing up with such strict guardians, I never felt like I really belonged. I felt unwated at times, just another hand on a farm, that they really didn't care about. Oh, Aunt Beru loved me, but Uncle Owen treated me as if I was just another person to help around the house.

At the same time, I was alone. People feared me, feared for me and generally stayed away. I was isolated without ever understanding why.

And I had never met anyone that understood that isolation until recently. How could they? Everyone in my life so far has had family or friends that they've kept through good and bad times. Leia, the sister I never knew I had, always had her politics and the family attached to it - until Governor Tarkin ordered Alderaan destroyed.

I supposed I should be grateful. I can always go back to Tattooine, but Leia can never, even, go back to her home.

Still, even after it was destroyed, she still had Winter and Mon Mothma. And then she met Han Solo.

Han. What a guy. I so admired and respected him right from the start. He was everything I had wanted to be growing up on that moisture farm. He's pulled me out of more scrapes than... than anyone I've ever known. A true friend. He's stuck with me through trials that would make most people cringe. And he's sacrificed much for our friendship.

His best friend, Chewbacca is no different. Though he owes a lifedebt to Han, Han and Chewie are more like brothers than anything else. Chewie has been the solid life line for Han, the voice of reason, when he's inclined to take a step too far. He's also been the one to encourage him. In fact, I'm certain Chewbacca is one reason he and my sister are currently married. Imagine that. A Wookiee giving love advice to a scoundrel. It's almost laughable.

Of course, it's not laughable because I'm in the same boat. The farm kid from the backwater planet who's barely laid eyes on anything female beyond his aunt.

You can imagine my shock when I first saw Leia. I didn't know what to think, or do, or how to act. I almost didn't find my tongue. Looking back I find it sad how nothing in my previous experience remotely prepared me for dealing with women.

I'm just glad I found out that Leia was my sister before I got too jealous about Han wanting to persue her. Still, if I hadn't found out, I'm sure the eerie feeling that came over me whenever I was around her later would have stopped me from doing too much.

Of course, Han loves to tease me about how she tried to put us against each other on Hoth. It's funny now, but at the time I wanted nothing more then to rub it in his face.

How very un-Jedi of me, don't you think?

Of course, I wasn't a Jedi at the time, I was simply an apprentice. How naieve, how innocent, I was.

Sometimes I wish for those untroubled time. At least, for that untroubled state of mind. The Rebellion had problems I wouldn't want to go back and face again. Though I can't help but wonder what would have changed if I'd become a Jedi before I joined the rebellion.

Would Vader have killed me in the trench of the 1st Death Star? Would he have killed me on cloud city? Would I have been in those situations if I had gone into them with more experience?

Yoda would tell me it's useless to look back on a situation I can't change and wonder what would have been different. He would encourage me to look at what did happen and learn what I could from it. And I have, but a part of me still wonders how things would have been different.

A part of me will always wonder how things would have changed if I'd be raised as a Jedi by Obi-Wan instead of having a hidden talent that was late to be revealed.

Would I have known immediately that Leia was my sister? Would I have been able to save Biggs or any of the other pilots who'd flown on the 1st Death star run? Would I have been able to leave Leia and Han in Darth Vader's hands on Cloud City because I knew I was walking into a trap? Or would I have gone anyway, confident in the knowledge that good triumphs over evil?

I will never know the answers to these hypothetical questions. I can only speculate that if I had been trained by Obi-Wan from when I was a child that things would have turned out differently.

A part of me is grateful to him for staying away for so long. By being allowed to grow as a normal child, as normal as was allowed anyway, he gave me a change to have my own perspectives.

Owen Lars gave me a lasting gift in his morals. He taught me to see right and wrong, but to always think for myself and to judge people for who they were, not what.

 

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RIP my little Nibbler
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green_eyes 
Registered: Apr '04
13991_Luke Hippo
Date Posted: 6/16/04 10:52pm Subject: RE: Reflections of a Jedi (After "Visions of the Future")
Did I get first response? I can't believe it.

This was an awesome start. It's very interesting to see Lukes point of view on his life.

I know this is going to be a great fic. I have loved the other things you have written and I know this will be great as well.

I hope there will be more soon.,

*green_eyes*

 
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kayladie97 
Registered: Jun '03
44313_Luke Skywalker
Date Posted: 6/17/04 12:31am Subject: RE: Reflections of a Jedi (After "Visions of the Future")
Oh, marvelous, wonderful, fantastic! You've really crawled inside Luke's head here, with all his doubts and uncertainties, and yet his strength at the same time.

I have spent much of my life alone. Loved but not needed. Needed but not wanted. Wanted but not intergrated. Intergrated but not accepted.

sad So very true, and so very sad! I love the progression there.

I also loved Luke's insight into Han and Chewie's friendship, Han and Leia's relationship, and his own frienship with the scoundrel.

Of course, Han loves to tease me about how she tried to put us against each other on Hoth. It's funny now, but at the time I wanted nothing more then to rub it in his face.

How very un-Jedi of me, don't you think?

laugh LOVED that line!!

How far are you going to take this? From the title, I would guess up until his relationship with Mara. Ooh, I can't wait! grin

 

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VaderLVR64 
Title: Fan Fic Manager in Combat Boots
 Registered: Feb '04
42064_Darth Vader
Date Posted: 6/17/04 7:30am Subject: RE: Reflections of a Jedi (After "Visions of the Future")
Beautifully done! I love seeing inside of Luke's head and you've done a wonderful job with this one!

Lastly, Darth Vader, my father. Also known as Anakin Skywalker before the darkness took him. He came back to save me from the man who had engineered his downfall. Yet for most of my life, I didn't know who he was. I didn't know he was alive and considered to be evil. I didn't know, and will never know, why he chose to hide me from the Emperor. Or if that was even his decision.

It must be incredibly hard to know so little about your roots and you've captures his emotions flawlessly. Wonderful!

 

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Jade_Max 
Registered: Jun '02
Date Posted: 6/18/04 8:36am Subject: RE: Reflections of a Jedi (After "Visions of the Future")
Aww shucks, thanks guys... I've got more for you, but I'm going to have to post it in a bit... needs to be transfered over.


thanks so much, I wasn't sure how this one would turn out!

 

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RIP my little Nibbler
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EmilieDarklighter 
Registered: Jan '02
44274_Fan Art - Female Chiss
Date Posted: 6/18/04 8:45am Subject: RE: Reflections of a Jedi (After "Visions of the Future")
I really love this story. Anything about Luke's aunt and uncle (or Luke himself, actually) always intrigues me. I can't wait for more!

Emmi

 

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Jade_Max 
Registered: Jun '02
Date Posted: 6/18/04 9:22am Subject: RE: Reflections of a Jedi (After "Visions of the Future")
green_eyes – Thank you, I’m very happy to see someone who’s read my other stories responding to this one… Even I have to admit it’s not like anything I’ve ever done before. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever concentrated on Luke. Thank you for your vote of confidence, I hope I meet, and exceed, your expectations.

kayladie97 - happy Thank you. To answer your question, I’m going to take this as far as the title says. Up to and including Visions. I love that duology and I always wanted to try something like this. Thank you for the compliments. I really had to think about the ways he was, if you’ll pardon the expression and terrible pun, shafted in all of the books and the movies. I hope I’m able to meet expectation. Thanks again!

VaderLVR64 *blush* aww shucks, thank you. I hope you enjoy the rest of the story.

EmilieDarklighter Thank you! And you want more? Whohoo!


Here’s more, lemme know what you think.


Oh, and I do apologize if I keep beating certain things to death, but I believe all of his emotions and thoughts would be carried back to important events so you’ll probably see some digression. Thanks again!


*********************

Now, my education to the fairer sex was sadly lacking, but I've been able to muddle my way through. If not well, then I've been able to get by on telling them the truth.

You'd be amazed how women love to know you've had little experience with women. It's quite amazing to watch them go from being aggressive to treating you with soft gundark gloves.

Every woman I have had the fortune to meet has been different. Some have appeared to accept me for what I am. Others appeared to be drawn to the power they think I wield. Yes, the Force is a Power, but not the kind they think.

Too many are corrupted by visions of power, perceived power or wealth. They expect to be given these things.

I was not taught this; I had to learn it through trial and error.

The few relationships I’ve had where I thought they would last have disappeared into nothingness because of my own failings.

But I digress.

My experience with women is not what I’m attempting to get across. Not yet, anyway.

I suppose my goal is to be understood, truly understood, as is the wish of any man.

I want you to understand what drove me to become the Jedi Obi-Wan and Yoda wanted me to be. To understand the choices I made and perhaps the fear and self-doubt that has plagued me since I embarked on this journey so many years ago.

I was a farm kid with no world or galactic experience. I encountered aliens and situations my simple upbringing had not, could not have, prepared me for.

I’ve explained my thoughts and feelings on the people I’ve lost and those that played a very close role to my own.

I haven’t told you of my Jedi training, my time with my Master Yoda, or of my time on Dagobah. You’d think they were one and the same. Are you surprised to find they’re not?

I certainly was.

I never realized that my training had only begun on Dagobah to be carried through the years as I grew and searched for answers. To be done myself, without guidance because Yoda couldn’t offer it. To be done alone, as I had grown, to find the strengths and weaknesses of me.

I had to understand why I couldn’t let other people influence me, as Han and Leia’s peril had on Cloud City. I had to learn the hard way that there are no easy choices, no black and white answers, only shades of gray.

Yoda would tell me this isn’t so, that the lines between right and wrong are easy to cross because there are no gray areas. That there is no difference between what you choose to do and what you think you can do. He’d tell me that everything is possible as long as you trust the Force.

I had to learn that even Masters are fallible. That to trust blindly is to put my own life, and the lives of those I love, in danger.

I didn’t understand until after I lost Yoda that a Jedi’s discovery is not of the Force. It’s not knowing what you can and can’t do, it’s knowing what you will and will not do.

Will I stand up for my friends and family?

Yes.

Will I fight evil to the best of my ability, knowing that there is a possibility of good beneath the acts taken against me and my friends?

Yes

Will I try to take that spark of good and bring it out?

Always.


Would I have gone to Cloud City if I’d known I was walking into a trap, knowing that Leia and Han might die if I didn’t?

Of Course.

Could I do all of these? Of course I could.

The thing you may not understand that is crucial is that to say you’ll do something in a hypothetical situation is not important. It’s standing up to fight, to back up your words, that is. Being willing to take the chances, to risk everything for the chance to save a friend, or to eliminate the dangers to millions.

Someone wise once told me that all life is precious and is worth fighting for. I’ve learned that they’re right.

My Father, Anakin Skywalker, fell to the darkside only to be redeemed 20 some odd years later. If the most feared man in the galaxy can repent and come back to the light, than no one is beyond hope.

It is my belief that even the Emperor, if he’d been given the time and the chance, could have found his way back to the light.

Perhaps I’m being foolish or whimsical, seeing only what I’d like to see, but I believe it was possible.

I was just never given the chance. Every Jedi who falls has a chance at redemption and everyone who commits evil acts has a chance at salvation. If I didn’t believe this, I would never have become the Jedi I am today.

 

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RIP my little Nibbler
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Wes_Janson 
Registered: Mar '04
21410_Wes Janson
Date Posted: 6/18/04 10:00am Subject: RE: Reflections of a Jedi (After "Visions of the Future")
And once again Jade_Max shows why shes my favorite fanfic author here.

 

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Jade_Max 
Registered: Jun '02
Date Posted: 6/18/04 10:57am Subject: RE: Reflections of a Jedi (After "Visions of the Future")
Aw shucks Wes_Janson, you're too kind. I'm glad you like it!


***************

What else in my past is there that you might have seen, but not understood?

My time on Hoth, before I’d met Yoda? My time with the Ewoks on Endor? How about my time with my father on Endor before we saw the emperor?

I’m certain there is much in my history that defies explanation, however, I feel the need to try.

I will resume with a few more recent events, as my time on every planet I have visited has usually been in the company of my friends. Their thoughts and experiences there are their own, however, I feel the need to touch on Cloud City if only once more.

To be a fledgling in anything, be it Jedi, Senator or Bounty Hunter, you’ll find that the first experiences are your most remembered. Not because they are the first, but because they are the ones in which you learn the most. They are the ones where who and what you’ll become in the future are going to start.

Perhaps, also, the reason this event stands out so clearly in my mind is that this is when I discovered who my father was. I discovered the image I had of a space pirate or smuggler was completely off mark and far worse then I ever imagined. I learned that just because you think someone is something, it doesn't mean they necessarily are.

Even when you look at them and see one thing, it's not actually who they are. It's a very disturbing revelation.

Lando Calrissian is a prime example.

I fought with my father, but then, I knew of Darth Vader because of my encounter with him on the Death Star run. I knew he was to be feared and that the only way to face him was on equal footing.

How naive I was.

I will never be equal to where my father was. I can never allow myself achieve the darkness into which he descended.

Lando, on the other hand, was trying to be everything he appeared to be. A successful, happy, jovial and charismatic leader attempting to do what was right for his people. Even betraying an old friend to save them wasn't beyond him. On one level I have to admire Lando for his willingness to put the people who trust their safety to him ahead of a friend. On another level, I don't know how he could do it.

How could you betray your oldest friend to the galaxy's worst villain? How could you decide that their safety isn't worth more then the many? Theoretically, I know one person's safety compared to many shouldn't matter. And yet it does. Especially when that person is important to you. Or, more specifically, it should matter because you place value on their life.

How was Lando ever able to place a higher value on the other citizens of Cloud City? I don't think I will ever truly understand because I don't think I could ever have made that decision.

Even knowing I was putting thousands at risk to save a friend, by being selfish, I might doom others, I don't think I could sacrifice that friend. We've been through and shared too much to simply throw them away.

I'm not thinking very Jedi-like, or philosophically, but that's how I feel.

As a Jedi I know that sacrificing a friend may eventually be necessary for the greater good. Perhaps I may not have to do it, but one of my students or their friends may have to. I can only hope I am still around to offer guidance if and when this should ever happen.

I was not there for Lando, admittedly I didn't even know him at the time. I was not able to stop Han being frozen in carbonite or to stop the sorrow my sister felt when he was taken away. I was able to offer comfort and support but little else.

I watched as Lando fought to redeem himself in Leia and Chewbacca's eyes and could feel his determination. I felt my sister spiral into depression, only to pull herself out with the knowledge that they could rescue Han, it would simply take time. I felt her never lose hope.

I've watched, an outsider to my friends, as they've formed bonds I could only envy. I tried to be a part of it, and somewhat succeeded, but I have always felt my most comfortable alone. Perhaps it is because of my upbringing, or because of what I was taught, but I am not comfortable in a crowd.

I am comfortable one on one, with Leia or Han, or both, but in large gatherings I can feel myself flounder.

Me, the last of the Jedi Masters, floundering because he doesn't know which fingers aren't supposed to touch a tea cup.

It's sad really. At least, I think it is.

Nothing prepared me for it, but I should just know what's expected of me. I have the Force. If I can't just pull the information I need from someone's mind, what good is it to me?

People smile politely and make excuses for my floundering when it's obvious. The most common excuse I've heard is that I'm a Jedi and all of my time is taken up with study.

Untrue, from a certain point of view.

I study, yes, but not the Jedi ways.

I'm careful to study the traditions I'm walking in on very carefully so that I don't offend anyone. Yet, once I enter that situation, I'm lost. All the preparation in the world doesn't seem to prepare me for the social situations which I am obligated to attend. I could probably spend years rehearsing, in fact I have, and it will do me no good.

Somehow, once the doors open to a hall, I am no longer the Jedi Master Luke Skywalker, respected by the galaxy as the man who defeated Darth Vader and the Emperor.

I become Luke Skywalker, Tattooine farm boy, with no social skills.

You have no idea how very frustrating it is to know you've wasted your time the first time you try polite conversation and can't do anything more than trip over your tongue. Even if I manage to get a coherent sentence out, I trip over my thoughts.

Someday, Force willing, I will be able to do more then lecture a crowd about the Force. Be it now, or when I become one with the Force, I intend to be comfortable in a crowd.

Perhaps I'm setting my sights too high?

Of course, I'd rather aim high and have a chance to touch it, than aim low knowing it will not be a challenge. Now, if you look at my history, you'll find I almost always aim astronomically high with little or no chance of statistical success.

The Rebellion's fight against the Death Stars. My Jedi training. My time on Hoth, on Endor; my battles with Vader and my final confrontation with the Emperor.

All of these had little or no chance of success or, if not success, than good outcomes. Yet here I am. Over 20 years later I still don't understand how it is that I managed to surpass all those trials and end up here.

It's quite the feat for the farm boy from a backwater, backwards planet, isn't it?

 

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Don't think, write. And have faith that your subconscious mind is smarter than you.- lazy
RIP my little Nibbler
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Jade_Max 
Registered: Jun '02
Date Posted: 6/20/04 12:26am Subject: RE: Reflections of a Jedi (After "Visions of the Future")
What's more amazing still is that it doesn't end there. Oh no. Han and Leia went on to be married, and we've encountered our share of problems getting them there.

The Hapans, the "return" of the Emperor, the rise of the Empire's remnants. Han kidnapping my sister just to convince her they really were meant to be together.

It's amazing any one in my family managed to procreate.

Still, things worked out in the end. The Emperor's return was halted, the remnants pushed back and destroyed, and finally, the Hapans were convinced a Dathomirian warrior with Force abilities was to be their Queen.

I think the Hapans got the short end of the stick, at least in the beginning. Tenenial Djo was hardly Queen material; though she's changed much since her first years. She's matured into the role quite admirably, not allowing Ta'a Chume's influence to interfere with her daughter's upbringing. It's enough to impress a Jedi Master.

Finally, the biggest turning points of my life.

Grand Admiral Thrawn's return, Talon Karrde's Smugglers and my association with Mara Jade. My formation of the Jedi Academy on Yavin 4, the birth of my sister's children and my friendships with Rogue Squadron.

All of these changed me in ways that are hard to explain.

Shall I try? Of course. But I'm going to save the best for last and try to explain Mara Jade once everything else has been said. It's only fitting since she has become such an integrated part of my life.

I'm understating, and when I explain you'll understand why.

Thrawn was the beginning and the end. The beginning of my next role and the end of Jedi innocence.

When I became the last of the Jedi, I was terrified. I wondered how it was possible that I could be the only one left and began to search for others. I've made some good friends along the way, and a few enemies.

Kyp Durron. The headstrong, brash young man that fell to the darkside only to be redeemed. Probably my most outspoken and reckless pupil, he reminded me of Han in a lot of ways.

Which explains why the two of them are friends.

But Kyp was probably one of the better of my students in aptitude. He never stopped pushing the limits, never stopped questioning them, and was the Jedi of action I had once been. Perhaps that is why I tried so hard to curb his recklessness. Experience is the strictest of teachers and I didn't want him to feel the helplessness I felt when trying to do something I wasn't ready for.

Not that it ever stopped him. Kyp doesn't seem to know the meaning of "impossible" and so doesn't let anything stand in his way. I sometimes think he's foolish to have carried that into his Jedi training, but it's made him stronger on some levels. Kyp may be the most headstrong of any of my students, but I can only admire the direction in which he's chosen to travel. Perhaps in the future he will find the control to temper his passion and become a voice of reason among the next generation of Jedi.

Corran Horn. An unlikely Jedi if I've ever met one. He came with a knowledge of right and wrong that was so ingrained he has trouble seeing the shades of gray. While the black and white vision Yoda had has eluded me, I believe if Corran had spoken with the Jedi Master, he would have found a kindred spirit.

Perhaps that is his greatest strength. Corran has no conflicts within if he sees something as wrong. He will take the wrong and attempt to right it in a fashion that is within the boundaries of the law.

How envious am I? Very.

I have never known his conviction and certainty when dealing with such matters as right and wrong. Perhaps that is to my benefit. If I had seen things his way, I would never have grown to become the Jedi I am. I would never have believe Vader, my father, had any good left in him. And I would have rather died than be taken before the Emperor.

Eerie as it sounds, I wouldn't have doomed only myself, but my friends and family too.

While Corran's conviction is his greatest strength, it's also his greatest weakness. One that I am, thankfully, not burdened with. It would take a stronger mind than mind to work through the complexities of that.

Tionne. Dear Tionne. The woman who came to me with little Jedi potential and has evolved into one of the most important people in the teaching ranks.

Who'd have thought so much could be learned from legends being turned into songs? Let alone songs that had Force powers to back up their intensity and imagery. She'd proven that even those with only a small amount of potential can be useful and powerful in their own ways. They simply have to find their niche.

I could go on, but these are people who've influences me greatly and have taught me lessons I didn't think I needed to learn. Or thought I already had learnt.

My Jedi academy is probably the greatest of my failures, and yet, the best of my triumphs.

My sister's 3 children have all attended my academy with great success. Kyp, Bakriss, and more have not. I've lost as many students to darkness as I've succeeded in teaching the light. Perhaps that balance is necessary, but it doesn't make the failures any less painful.

Talon Karrde would tell me that there's no use dwelling on what has happened, simply to find a way to con, lie, or negotiate my way out of it. Typical. Smugglers are all the same.

Now I don't really mean that, as Talon and Han are cut from something special. Amazing, isn't it? Scoundrels, not just one, but two in my lifetime with ethics. What's this galaxy coming to?

You should hear Mara when I ask those question. She's difficult to make laugh, but it's an irony she can appreciate.

Of course, smugglers have their uses. Han and Leia have gotten out of more problems thanks to the Falcon and her modifications than I can count. That ship is as much a part of the family as it is a part of the Solo legend.

Still, Karrde has my undying gratitude for introducing me to Mara Jade. Perhaps it wasn't under the best of circumstances, but it was those circumstances that made me realize that I may be a Jedi, but I'm not invincible. Jedi also have more resources at their disposal than just the Force and I'd allowed myself to forget that.

Karrde, among many, was one of the few people to remind me that I'm simply human, Force or not, and still vulnerable.

It's a very humbling lesson for the last of the Jedi .

Of course, I never wanted to be a Jedi, at least, not before I met Obi-Wan Kenobi. All I ever wanted was to get away from Tattooine and to be a fighter pilot like Biggs. I wanted to fight against the Empire and get a nice girl to like me. That was it.

Sound simple? It should, I was a very simple man at that point in my life. More of a child than a man because I'd missed out on so many experiences.

There is no going back, though. Mara taught me that.

Thrawn brought Mara and I together in a way that was strange, but I now look back on as pre-destined. The Force wanted me and Mara to meet. It wanted our confrontation, needed it if you will, because of the fate of the Jedi. If Thrawn hadn't put a price on my head, I don't think we ever would have met.

Mara was everything Darth Vader was not. She was attractive, subtle and seductive. She was loyal in a fashion that few could ever understand. Not out of fear, but out of love.

Yes, love. Mara served the Emperor because he'd turned her into something special, something that was needed and wanted and willing to assist. He treated her like a daughter, if her stories to me are accurate, and when he died, he tried to use her for his last wish. He tried to have her kill me for something I did not do.

Mara Jade. I have never met a woman like her. Of all the women I have met, none hold a candle to her. Yes, I believed myself to be in love before, but never like this.

Mara Jade is the only woman to ever challenge me on every level. Jedi or not.

Of course, having said that, she's also the only woman capable of aggravating me to no ends. She's headstrong, intuitive and creative. She's opinionated and pig headed and needed to be taught to rely on someone other than herself. Yet she's also gentle, caring and vulnerable in her own way.

No, she's not like Winter with the photographic memory, or like Leia with diplomatic abilities. She has her weaknesses, among them are anderrian chocolate and, if I have to be honest, I've got to say me.

She's got more strengths, but those strengths, I've found, have been able to balance out the parts of me that I'm weak in. Where she lacks diplomacy, my time with Leia has given me insight and patience. Where I lack world or galactic know-how, Mara makes it up in spades. My naiveté is balanced by her experience. My tendencies to look at solving problems with the Force are balanced by her willing ability to look beyond the Force for a simple, hands-on solution.

Our outlooks are so very different, our upbringings couldn’t have been more different, and yet, so similar.

Loved but not needed. Needed but not wanted. Wanted but not integrated. Integrated but not accepted. Accepted but at a price.

And what a price for her.

 

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Jade_Max 
Registered: Jun '02
Date Posted: 6/20/04 2:22pm Subject: RE: Reflections of a Jedi (After "Visions of the Future")
and upsies it goes

 

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ThePariah 
Registered: Jan '03
40064_Luke Skywalker
Date Posted: 6/20/04 8:20pm Subject: RE: Reflections of a Jedi (After "Visions of the Future") - Date Edited: 6/20/04 8:24pm (2 edits total) Edited By: ThePariah
Fantastic job, Jade_Max! grin And the "digression" factor is actually quite realistic, if you think about it---just listen to any average person speak in an interview or a group of friends. Normal speech isn't composed like memorized lines. So...you're doing great! wink

There's so many lines I love in here:

Now, my education to the fairer sex was sadly lacking, but I've been able to muddle my way through. If not well, then I've been able to get by on telling them the truth.

You go, Luke! laugh Just be careful when a lady asks you, "Does this flightsuit make me look fat?" mischief

How was Lando ever able to place a higher value on the other citizens of Cloud City? I don't think I will ever truly understand because I don't think I could ever have made that decision.

Discussing Lando was a real stand-out highlight. Luke's exactly the kind of person who wouldn't necessarily hold this sort of betrayal against Lando like a grudge, but would always question it because of his own strong morals. happy

Me, the last of the Jedi Masters, floundering because he doesn't know which fingers aren't supposed to touch a tea cup.

This (and the related passages after it) makes me laugh and sad all at once. Personally, that aspect of Luke has always been refreshing to me--I have a deep-seated hatred of false-fronted silver-tongued hypocrites anyway angry --but it's also been an impediment on his character that a lot of authors chose to ignore. Luke wasn't necessarily a social klutz all the time, but he was forever the stale Jedi professor. (Then the NJO had to emasculate him too, but that's another rant for another day... plain whistling ) But klutzy Luke is so cute otherwise! love hugs He just needs to go out and party with the Rogues more often... tongue

Perhaps I'm setting my sights too high?

Never. grin

Now, if you look at my history, you'll find I almost always aim astronomically high with little or no chance of statistical success.

To quote a certain dwarf, "What are we waiting for?" mischief

Over 20 years later I still don't understand how it is that I managed to surpass all those trials and end up here.

It's quite the feat for the farm boy from a backwater, backwards planet, isn't it?

Uh, maybe try giving yourself a little more credit for a start? wink

What's more amazing still is that it doesn't end there. Oh no. Han and Leia went on to be married, and we've encountered our share of problems getting them there.

The Hapans, the "return" of the Emperor, the rise of the Empire's remnants. Han kidnapping my sister just to convince her they really were meant to be together.

It's amazing any one in my family managed to procreate.

LMAO!!! laugh

Of course, I never wanted to be a Jedi, at least, not before I met Obi-Wan Kenobi. All I ever wanted was to get away from Tattooine and to be a fighter pilot like Biggs. I wanted to fight against the Empire and get a nice girl to like me. That was it.

'Twas a smarter boy than he thought... whistling And there'd be no shortage of nice girls for the farmboy, would there be, Emmi and Co.? mischief

No, she's not like Winter with the photographic memory, or like Leia with diplomatic abilities. She has her weaknesses, among them are anderrian chocolate and, if I have to be honest, I've got to say me.

*wicked giggle* And aren't we glad our favorite redhead had that convenient little chink in her durasteel plating? devil But then, chocolate and Luke are a lot of women's weaknesses too... love

Now farmboy's got something to brag about, eh? grin

I had tons of fun reading this, and for your first foray into Luke's head it's a marvelous one. applause





 

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green_eyes 
Registered: Apr '04
13991_Luke Hippo
Date Posted: 6/23/04 9:14pm Subject: RE: Reflections of a Jedi (After "Visions of the Future")
Awesome post. I love the way he describes Mara. And thier relationship together.

that's not the end is it?
I hope not.

*green_eyes*

 
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kayladie97 
Registered: Jun '03
44313_Luke Skywalker
Date Posted: 6/24/04 9:58am Subject: RE: Reflections of a Jedi (After "Visions of the Future")
It's not often we get to see such an indepth veiw of their relationship from Luke's POV (VaderLVR's Mara/Luke viggies are really good for that, too!) and I absolutely loved every bit of it!

Poor shy Luke! I like that aspect of his character, too, as I'm not very comfortable in big crowds and social get-togethers either.

I liked his thoughts about Lando. I'm not sure if I could make the choice that Lando did either, although it was probably the 'right' one. Good of the many vs. good of the one and all that. Still, if it was my son we were talking about...well, no, couldn't do it!

I also liked the way Luke thought of Kyp, Corran and Tionne. Especially liked the way he realized if he'd been as set in his convictions as Corran, he would never have believed that Anakin still existed within Darth Vader.

And he saves Mara for last! I love the way he feels that they complement each other. His weaknesses are her strengths and vice-versa. Also loved the little bit about her weaknesses being chocolate and HIM! grin

Is there more? praying

 

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Jade_Max 
Registered: Jun '02
Date Posted: 6/25/04 7:52am Subject: RE: Reflections of a Jedi (After "Visions of the Future") - Date Edited: 6/25/04 8:13am (1 edits total) Edited By: Jade_Max
ThePariah
Thank you for reading, and I do appreciate the vote of confidence. I was thinking the digression factor might make it more interesting, like bringing out things he’d forgotten about but were tied to another at a later date. I glad it doesn’t drag this out, I was hoping it wouldn’t! Thank you very much!

As for Lando – I almost didn’t include that particular passage because I had so much trouble with it. I had to keep it true to Luke’s character, yet also convey a sense of confusion and admiration at the same time. It’s a relief to know I managed to do both.
I had tons of fun reading this, and for your first foray into Luke's head it's a marvelous one.

Awww shucks, I hope you continue to enjoy, as I’ve got a ways to go. His first thoughts on Mara are just an appetite wetter, there will be more. Thank you so much for your comments, I truly appreciate them!

green_eyes
Thank you, I’m glad you like the way I’ve been having him think about Mara – and no, it’s not the end, there will be more. Lots more with Mara actually, since she’s entwined with his past and his future.

kayladie97
It's not often we get to see such an indepth view of their relationship from Luke's POV I wasn’t sure if anyone had tried something like this before, so I thought, what the heck, let’s give it a shot. I’m glad you’re enjoying it!

Especially liked the way he realized if he'd been as set in his convictions as Corran, he would never have believed that Anakin still existed within Darth Vader.
*smile* I figured that it fit with his character as the two of them are so different. Thank you!

Of course he’s saved Mara for last. And last, and last, and last… *snicker* trust me there will be more as there will be lots of chances for him to come back to her. Thanks for reading and stay tuned, there will be, as I said, lots more to come!


Thanks for reading everyone!

Oh, and just a side note, when it's done I'll put "Fin" at the end of the story wink
***********

Before I can really go on about anything else to do about my relationship with Mara, I really have to touch back on the other women I’ve had the fortune, and misfortune, to meet.

I say that in the nicest way possible.

Why? Because not all of the women I have either thought to have loved left me in the nicest way. I don’t hold that against them as each, in their own unique way, helped make me the man that Mara Jade eventually accepted.

Where to begin? Perhaps at the beginning, as I have with many others.

If I were to begin at the beginning, however, I would have to go back to Tattooine, before Obi-Wan ever informed me of my heritage. Before Biggs left, and before Artoo and C-3P0 came to me.

My friends on Tattooine were few, as I’ve said before, but one couple did go out of their way to challenge me. Back in my skyhoppper racing days. Now, don’t go telling anyone I used to do such a dangerous thing. Or you could if you want; most wouldn’t believe you.

They’d say, “Luke Skywalker? Skyhopper racing? He’d never do anything so reckless. He’d never take such risks.”

And then you’d talk to someone who knew me. Fixer, Biggs or Camie.

Camie. She was a neat girl and I had the biggest crush on her.

Looking back, I think I liked her because I didn’t have any other exposure to women who were my age. Strange perhaps, but I also knew she was Fixer’s girl, and somehow, even then, I knew nothing would tear those two apart.

A shame. Camie was a girl that reminds me now of Mara, or rather, how Mara would have been in her late teens if she hadn’t been serving Emperor Palpatine.

I suppose Camie and Fixer are married by now. One of these days I need to head back just to check in. They’d never believe who I’ve become.

The next women in my history aren’t such wonderful memories. Shira Brie, also know as Dark Lady Lumiya and Akanah Norand Pell.

Both betrayed me in ways few can relate. Shira Brie was a pupil to my father, a Sith in training, and she’d befriended me. Looking back, because I was the creator of Rogue Squadron, perhaps I should have looked beyond her eyes and her tone. Perhaps I should have used the Force to judge her intentions.

It’s too late for that now, and I killed her. Unintentionally, perhaps, but her death was on my conscience all the same.

Of course, I know I didn’t really end her life, but I did end her chances at a normal one. Because of the wounds I inflicted when I shot down her X-Wing, I made her indebted to the empire so badly, she never would have turned. That is almost worse than ending her life. I turned her into a slave.

She is one of my biggest regrets. I couldn’t save her because I didn’t know. And my lack of knowledge is not an excuse for failing her. I was a Jedi, or at least, training to be one, and I should have know.

If I ever see her again, perhaps I’ll thank her for eventually giving me a deeper respect for the Force and my ability to trust it. I hope she can find some way to forgive me for the damage I did to her. Somehow, I doubt she will, even after all these years, but there is always hope.

 

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Don't think, write. And have faith that your subconscious mind is smarter than you.- lazy
RIP my little Nibbler
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