Jedi Council Forums - Admiral Ozzel and the Temple of Doom (AU Ozzel/Tarkin/Battle of Yavin 4/As Bad As It Sounds)

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Author	Topic: Admiral Ozzel and the Temple of Doom (AU Ozzel/Tarkin/Battle of Yavin 4/As Bad As It Sounds)
oqidaun Title: Manager Emeritus Registered: Jul '05	Date Posted: 9/3/05 4:19pm Subject: Admiral Ozzel and the Temple of Doom (AU Ozzel/Tarkin/Battle of Yavin 4/As Bad As It Sounds) - Date Edited: 9/3/05 4:38pm (1 edits total) Edited By: oqidaun
	Title: Admiral Ozzel and The Temple of Doom™ Author: oqidaun Timeframe: ANH Genre: Craptastic AU / Fluff-Slayer Slightly Sadistic Challenge 4 Dedication: Rock On, Ozzel! \m/ Summary: Getting the hell out of Dodge… Prologue/Introductory Material Scene according to Papa George: INTERIOR: DEATH STAR -- CONTROL ROOM. Grand Moff Tarkin and a Chief Officer stand in the Death Star's control room. OFFICER: We've analyzed their attack, sir, and there is a danger. Should I have your ship standing by? TARKIN: Evacuate? In our moment of triumph? I think you over estimate their chances! Scene according to oqidaun’s craptastic AU: INTERIOR: DEATH STAR -- CONTROL ROOM. Grand Moff Tarkin and Admiral Ozzel stand in the Death Star's control room. OZZEL: We've analyzed their attack, sir, and there is a danger. TARKIN: No way! Really? OZZEL: Yes sir, chances are we’re about to get blown into fiery bite sized chunks. TARKIN: Poodoo. OZZEL: I was just thinking the same thing, sir. Moments before the Death Star™ exploded into billions of tiny bits; Tarkin and Ozzel crammed their bodies and bloated egos into a standard Imperial escape pod and plummeted toward the forested face of Yavin 4. The tiny capsule, made with pride for the Empire by the lowest bidder, came to an abrupt stop at the base of an imposing ancient Temple of Doom™. Eight and a half minutes after their arrival, Tarkin succumbed to the temptations of the Dark Side emanating from the Temple of Doom™. Twisted by the Dark Side, he ceased to be the evil Grand Moff Wilhuf Tarkin and became the evil Sith Lord Darth Not-So-Nice. Always a poor student in history and a bit blind to the obvious, Tarkin confused the Sith with the Highlander Saga. He declared that, “There can be only One!” and made Ozzel his mortal slave. Had he known more about the Sith he could have made Ozzel his apprentice; which ironically was also like being a slave, but with a nifty title and an opportunity for facial tattoos and a red sword. Already Ozzel was his lieutenant and that too was a bit like being a slave, but with a cool uniform, shiny boots and a set of those rockin’ code cylinders. (Author’s Note: shrug) Ultimately, Ozzel’s station in life changed very little under Darth Not-So-Nice, but here’s his story anyway… Admiral Ozzel and The Temple of Doom™ Oh dear, I hope he didn’t see that. I narrowly escape burning the ends off my fingers attempting to pick the large grasshopper out of Tar—Darth Not-So-Nice’s scrambled eggs. Despite my efforts and blistered fingers, I am unable to recover more than half of the insect. As I am a perfectionist, one of those ‘all or nothing’ beings, I drop the green gooey thing back into the eggs and hope that instead of producing convulsions and death, it’s merely a good source of protein. I approach the Galaxy’s newest Dark Lord of the Sith with caution. He’s quite mad, you see. If I’m not subservient enough he chases me around the inside of this incredibly dank Temple of Doom™ we call home, holding his hands out like a zombie making this inane “zapping” noise all the while informing me that I am a victim of his Force Lightning. If I’m a victim of anything, it’s circumstance. I should have gone to work for the Bureau of Urban Maintenance—at least I’d have a union card, a forty hour week and a working chrono. Crouching down best I can with a bum hip, courtesy of a misguided youthful dare that I could wedge my body through the end of a tennis racket, I place the plate of incredible inedible eggs before my ‘master’. I don’t really know if one can eat lizard eggs on a regular basis without some long term gastrointestinal damage. However, logistically speaking, if Darth Not-So-Nice continues to eat the locally supplied lizard eggs the two-man forty day supply of MREs from the escape pod becomes an eighty day Ozzel supply. It sounds a bit harsh and perhaps even intolerant to the mentally challenged, but I lost any sense of allegiance to that babbling fool of a Moff the moment he tore his sleeves off and started wearing a tarpaulin like a kilt. He’s eating au natural, while I’m enjoying the nutritionally balanced goodness of emergency rations and I have no problem of conscience with it at all. Oh don’t look at me like that—remember I am one of the bad guys. Ah last night, it was curried rice with a guunga fruit chutney and coconut pudding for dessert. Believe it or not there was even a tiny cordial packed in there; however, the pod’s coolant fluid packs a better punch. Cold MREs, ersatz alcohol and a stone mad Sith Lord, reminds me of my first commission for the Empire—except I was warmer, drier and didn’t have a squirrel staring at me with the intensity of one of the Emperor’s Grand Inquisitors. The plate of half eaten eggs flies past my head, interrupting my trek down memory lane. I look at the runny yellow reptilian yolks and bits of grasshopper and for a moment I am captivated by the stunning contrast of undercooked food and dented metal mess kit. It almost appears artistic. I suppose it makes a better work of art than a meal, I’ve only recently learned to cook and have been largely self-taught. He commands me to fetch him a “crystal” for the “lightsaber” he’s fashioned from our combined supply of obsolete Death Star™ code cylinders—I don’t think either one of us will be needing access to the Gold Club Lounge any time soon, unless it landed in a fiery heap within walking distance. I leave the babbling agent of evil arguing with the remains of his meal that he’s now dubbed Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez. A nasty looking storm is brewing in the distance, but I take my time stumbling back to the crashed pod. Leisurely, I finish off my chocolate cupcake from earlier, take note that it’s 42 degrees Fahrenheit and waste fifteen minutes trying to fix the firing mechanism on my service blaster. After finding a suitable chunk of broken transparisteel for Darth Not-Long-For-This-World’s “lightsaber crystal” I head back to the Temple of Doom™ and half way there it starts to rain. The mad Sith Lord is no where to be found when I return to the Temple. However, the cold remains of his eggs are scattered and I assume that he’s had an ideological falling out with his mentor, Ramirez. Undoubtedly, he’s hiding waiting to spring on me at any moment and attack with his “Force Lightning”. While he’s hiding in the shadows plotting my demise, I begin to clean up around our pathetic little abode. We’re living like Hutts sans the scantily clad Twi’Lek girls, mind altering drugs and abundance of green bodily slime. As I bend over to collect the frying pan I’ve been using for the eggs, Tark—Darth Whatever leaps from behind a mossy stone altar making his sound effect noises. He catches me completely off guard and to put it mildly, scares the bloody hell out of me. Guided by reflex alone, I am an Imperial killing machine, I smack him in the forehead with the frying pan. There is a disturbing crunching noise and the Sith Lord goes down for the count. Although it might appear to the contrary, I did not mean to crack his skull. Well, at least I have cured his insomnia albeit permanently. Unwilling to spend any more time in the Temple of Doom™ with the dead body of a stark raving mad Grand Moff/Sith/Highlander, I head back to the pod. It has stopped raining and is now miserably cold. I shiver. “Excuse me, old boy!” The words hurled me back into a third person limited omniscience narrative. “By the gods! Veers? What are you doing here?” Ozzel exclaimed. A bit worse for wear and battle hardened Veers shrugged, “I narrowly escaped the Death Star when it exploded. My shuttle crashed few miles away and I’ve been waiting for a rescue team to find me. Meanwhile I’ve been working out and strengthening my dedication to Empire.” “That’s incredible.” Ozzel didn’t remember Tarkin issuing any sort of Emergency Evacuation Procedure authorization before they bailed. “And you, what are you doing here? I didn’t know you were assigned to the Death Star.” “It’s an AU scenario.” Ozzel steeped his hands. “Tarkin and I escaped the Death Star. Tarkin became a Sith in the name of cheap comedy and some really lame Highlander jokes. Mere moments ago, I accidentally cracked his skull in a rush to fulfill the ‘cure insomnia/break something’ requirements of the challenge in one fell swoop.” Veers nodded and gave a knowing look, “Oh, I see.” “Are you AU right now?” “No, this is part of a quasi-canon event from the EU building back story on what makes me such a frigging bombad general. You need a ride to Coruscant? I’m going to be rescued in a few days.” “Why yes! How delightful! Care for a Pasta Florentine MRE?” _____________________________________________ Author’s Note: I apologize for the utter cheez factor of this AU vignette or whatever you’d call it. I really do love my Imps too much to abuse them this way. Proof I can write with decency and a modicum of respect for Imperial officers People Like Us (Please note I said 'modicum' not 'lots') -----signature----- . . . . I'm so bad, I banned myself.
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Exeter Registered: Feb '05	Date Posted: 9/3/05 4:50pm Subject: RE: Admiral Ozzel and the Temple of Doom (AU Ozzel/Tarkin/Battle of Yavin 4/As Bad As It Sounds)
	Fluff's challenges result in great entries... Once again, I burst out laughing at the Death Star's trademark. Darth Not-So-Nice "Mere moments ago, I accidentally cracked his skull in a rush to fulfill the ‘cure insomnia/break something’ requirements of the challenge in one fell swoop.” This was just one side-splitter after another. Excellent work! -----signature----- "Are my eyes really that far apart? They make me look like Admiral Ackbar." - Liz Lemon, 30 Rock “Don't get mad at me just because you were dumb enough to fall for the old Wookiee prisoner gag.” - Sawyer, Lost Recognition Returns in 2010
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PadwanKayla Registered: Jul '05	Date Posted: 9/3/05 5:31pm Subject: RE: Admiral Ozzel and the Temple of Doom (AU Ozzel/Tarkin/Battle of Yavin 4/As Bad As It Sounds)
	living like Hutts sans the scantily clad Twi’Lek girls, mind altering drugs and abundance of green bodily slime. Tarkin became a Sith in the name of cheap comedy and some really lame Highlander jokes Great cheez factor. Had me chuckling all the way through. Fun stuff! -----signature----- NaNoWriMo 2007 Winner at 87142! Sanity is just a frame of mind This is where the fun begins
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correllian_ale Title: Manager Emeritus Registered: Jun '05	Date Posted: 9/3/05 5:35pm Subject: RE: Admiral Ozzel and the Temple of Doom (AU Ozzel/Tarkin/Battle of Yavin 4/As Bad As It Sounds)
	I smack him in the forehead with the frying pan. There is a disturbing crunching noise and the Sith Lord goes down for the count. Although it might appear to the contrary, I did not mean to crack his skull. Well, at least I have cured his insomnia albeit permanently. (the following line really had me cracking up....) “And you, what are you doing here? I didn’t know you were assigned to the Death Star.” [i]“It’s an AU scenario.” WHAT EXACTLY DID THIS CHALLENGE ENTAIL ?!? You do realize it's "out-of character" for you oqidaun, which is what makes it so funny.... -----signature----- Consider this my "throw back" jersey... I govern my life around my own personal code of ethics, and I suggest that you do the same.
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oqidaun Title: Manager Emeritus Registered: Jul '05	Date Posted: 9/3/05 7:07pm Subject: RE: Admiral Ozzel and the Temple of Doom (AU Ozzel/Tarkin/Battle of Yavin 4/As Bad As It Sounds)
	Correllian_Ale: Follow the link at the top to Fluff-Slayer's Sadistic Challenges. These not are challenges for the faint of heart. Try one... PadawanKayla: The Twi'Lek line was the funniest, I thought. Exeter: Glad I made you laugh. -----signature----- . . . . I'm so bad, I banned myself.
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Fluff-Slayer Registered: Jun '05	Date Posted: 9/3/05 7:22pm Subject: RE: Admiral Ozzel and the Temple of Doom (AU Ozzel/Tarkin/Battle of Yavin 4/As Bad As It Sounds)
	Eww! Grasshopper! The frying-pan had a decidedly old-cartoon ring about it... And I noticed that the Ghost of the Guunga Fruit has reared its fruity head once more. Nothing gets past me! I'm slick! lol... Ah, oqi... -----signature----- "Sometimes glass glitters more than diamonds because it has more to prove." --Terry Pratchett
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VaderLVR64 Title: Manager Emeritus Registered: Feb '04	Date Posted: 9/3/05 7:23pm Subject: RE: Admiral Ozzel and the Temple of Doom (AU Ozzel/Tarkin/Battle of Yavin 4/As Bad As It Sounds)
	Loved it! -----signature----- Team Eric: Because undead never looked so good. Soldiers' Angels http://soldiersangels.org/ 2114 soldiers waiting for someone to care
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jedi_of_ennth Registered: Mar '05	Date Posted: 9/3/05 7:44pm Subject: RE: Admiral Ozzel and the Temple of Doom (AU Ozzel/Tarkin/Battle of Yavin 4/As Bad As It Sounds)
	That was brilliant! The entire thing had me cracking up! I leave the babbling agent of evil arguing with the remains of his meal that he’s now dubbed Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez. -----signature----- "I'm your friend. I love you." -- Zekk to Jaina, LotF: Fury
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lindemacil Registered: Jun '05	Date Posted: 9/3/05 8:24pm Subject: RE: Admiral Ozzel and the Temple of Doom (AU Ozzel/Tarkin/Battle of Yavin 4/As Bad As It Sounds)
	Egads, this was wonderful. And once again, I am amazed and astounded by your ability to pull off these challenges with such amusing results. I'm always looking forward to them now. he tore his sleeves off and started wearing a tarpaulin like a kilt. The mental image here is almost too much. I nearly choked on my tea. The words hurled me back into a third person limited omniscience narrative. -----signature----- - Lindy - "What I say is not half as important as what I don't say." A Year and A Day, a Dear Diary Challenge: http://boards.theforce.net/before_the_saga/b10475/26653402/p1/?2
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Commander-DWH Title: Shiny Fan Fiction Manager Registered: Nov '03	Date Posted: 9/3/05 10:58pm Subject: RE: Admiral Ozzel and the Temple of Doom (AU Ozzel/Tarkin/Battle of Yavin 4/As Bad As It Sounds)
	oqi, you always make me crack up with your "muppet-quality" humour. I enjoyed this a great deal, a good way to cap off my day. -----signature----- Complements (KOTOR)- http://boards.theforce.net/before_the_saga/b10475/21177927/ Luminosity- http://boards.theforce.net/before_the_saga/b10475/27900517/ Barefoot hippie in the OC revolution Master of the lovely and talented SoA
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JOINME Registered: Jul '05	Date Posted: 9/4/05 12:04am Subject: RE: Admiral Ozzel and the Temple of Doom (AU Ozzel/Tarkin/Battle of Yavin 4/As Bad As It Sounds)
	living like Hutts sans the scantily clad Twi’Lek girls, mind altering drugs and abundance of green bodily slime. I loved that one, among countless others. This is brilliant! Thanks for the laugh! -----signature----- President of the Sal Vinz Club Proud Master of Padmay_Skywalker Sith Padawan of the supreme JMT, He's taking over the galaxy and I'm gonna inherit all
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GrandAdmiralV Registered: May '05	Date Posted: 9/7/05 2:35pm Subject: RE: Admiral Ozzel and the Temple of Doom (AU Ozzel/Tarkin/Battle of Yavin 4/As Bad As It Sounds)
	Just found this -- I don't know how it escaped my notice before, but I suppose it's because it came in right around the long weekend. I don't know how you keep replying to these challenges in such twisted but rib-achingly-funny ways. Just know that I got several odd looks from people here at work when I burst out laughing at inopportune moments. You're a sick puppy -- my hat's off to you! -----signature----- Imperial propaganda...um...fics in profile. Master to His_Tallness, MsLanna, and unknown_shore. Official Grammar Queen. Mortal danger is an effective antidote for fixed ideas.--Erwin Rommel
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JediMindTrick000 Registered: Dec '04	Date Posted: 9/7/05 2:39pm Subject: RE: Admiral Ozzel and the Temple of Doom (AU Ozzel/Tarkin/Battle of Yavin 4/As Bad As It Sounds)
	How did I miss this? Oh yeah, I was moving...Thanks GAV for bringin' it up! Too friggin funny oqidaun! I loved the whole thing. Your sick humor exceeds my own I think. Great job! -----signature----- World Builder Society - New Challenge 2/26! http://boards.theforce.net/fan_fiction_resource/b10304/22112407/ My latest attempt at literary excellence... Delusions of Grandeur - http://boards.theforce.net/the_saga/b10476/28113194/
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oqidaun Title: Manager Emeritus Registered: Jul '05	Date Posted: 9/9/05 7:29pm Subject: RE: Admiral Ozzel and the Temple of Doom (AU Ozzel/Tarkin/Battle of Yavin 4/As Bad As It Sounds) - Date Edited: 9/9/05 7:31pm (1 edits total) Edited By: oqidaun
	JediMindTrick000: I'm quite proud of my sick humor. GAV: This even escaped my notice, I actually forgot about it. Yes, I am a sick puppy. JOINME: That was definitely one of my fave lines. DWH: Are you calling me a muppet? If so, you're not the first. Lindemacil: I'm glad you didn't choke on your tea, no one deserves that. Fluffy: Tasty grasshoppers! Now that's good cooking. VaderLVR: Jedi_of_Ennth: Glad you enjoyed the funneh! Welcome to my sick little world. -----signature----- . . . . I'm so bad, I banned myself.
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1Yodimus_Prime Registered: Mar '04	Date Posted: 1/18/06 10:36pm Subject: RE: Admiral Ozzel and the Temple of Doom (AU Ozzel/Tarkin/Battle of Yavin 4/As Bad As It Sounds)
	Good Lord. Almost four months ago, I'd been considering doing a challenge, and ended up landing in this very thread, reading this very vig. If it wasn't for this little gem, I would have never heard a' ya, probably. Because this made me curious enough to check your profile, which brought me invaribly into 'Burn', and ultimately made your OC thread catch my eye. And I just discovered that I never actually posted a response here. Crazy. -----signature----- Rule 12: A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath is looking the other way, shoot it in the head. --- http://boards.theforce.net/b/b1/26481069 - The Wise http://boards.theforce.net/B/b1/21283317 - Planet Hopping
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Ludo_Kressh Registered: Jun '05	Date Posted: 1/19/06 4:28am Subject: RE: Admiral Ozzel and the Temple of Doom (AU Ozzel/Tarkin/Battle of Yavin 4/As Bad As It Sounds)
	Crazy stuff! I'll never look at Admiral Ozzel and Moff tarkin the same again! imagines Tarkin in a kilt with his chicken legs -----signature----- ~hopeless member of the Official General Grievous fanclub~ Be thankful, Viceroy...you have not found yourself in my grip! Everybody quiet! I have a call to make...
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