Jedi Council Forums - Advice on my Atom Films entry

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Author	Topic: Advice on my Atom Films entry
durbnpoisn Title: TFN Staff Ca st & Crew Database Registered: May '02	Date Posted: 2/24/05 11:35am Subject: Advice on my Atom Films entry
	Here's something I've never done before... I'm going to show you something and hope you can advise me on where to take it from here. Up front, let me thank Mike Kane for doing one of the voices, and for doing the character illustrations. I'm showing this thing to you all now in hopes of getting some feedback on how to make the ending funnier. Right now, it's only about as funny as the ad that it spoofs. In fact, that's exactly how funny it is. Which means it's kind of dry. I'm not looking for any critique of the film other than some way to put a better punch line on it. I've already put a tremendous amount of work into making sure that this cartoon doesn't suffer from all of the problems of my last one! Don't worry, there is no bad singing or vomitting in this one... A Geico ad spoof Please answer the following questions: Am I going to hard on it? Have I just seen it so many friggin times that I don't think it's that funny anymore? Do you have a suggestion for a better punchline? (preferably to follow, not replace, the current ending) I will take suggestions seriously. If it looks like something I can do before the deadline, then I'll try to get it in there, and credit the ideaman/woman in the film. This is an entry for the Atom Films competition. Make no mistake about it. It's written very tame and safe specifically so it stands a better chance of making it in. -----signature----- Fan Films Database: R.I.P. Cloning in AE: http://www.durbnpoisn.com/films/cloneTut/index.asp My Star Wars Fan Films: http://www.durbnpoisn.com/films
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braxtanFILM Registered: Dec '03	Date Posted: 2/24/05 11:58am Subject: RE: Advice on my Atom Films entry
	I would change the word Autonomy to Independence. I think you're going to confuse some people a little bit there. Instead of reacting by falling out of the chair(or whatever he did), I'd have him fall to his knees and scream something like "why god? WHY!?" while he yells upward at the camera as it pulls out. Then, for good measure, the Death Star flies in and destroys geonosis(or how ever you spell it). People love explosions! Then you could have a little disclaimer where it says "Aeiko policies not honored in the event of planetary destruction by the galactic empire". -----signature----- I'm Hank Braxtan, and I approved this message. http://www.braxtanfilm.com Even on TF.N, I get no respect!
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durbnpoisn Title: TFN Staff Ca st & Crew Database Registered: May '02	Date Posted: 2/24/05 12:00pm Subject: RE: Advice on my Atom Films entry
	the Death Star flies in and destroys geonosis(or how ever you spell it). It's actually spelled, K A M I N O. That is a really funny suggestion. Noted! -----signature----- Fan Films Database: R.I.P. Cloning in AE: http://www.durbnpoisn.com/films/cloneTut/index.asp My Star Wars Fan Films: http://www.durbnpoisn.com/films
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VaporTrail Registered: May '02	Date Posted: 2/24/05 12:26pm Subject: RE: Advice on my Atom Films entry
	^^haha. But yeah, the falling Trooper is a bit much, you should just make him freak out or something. -----signature----- Fanfilmers shoot first and talk copyright later. http://www.vimeo.com/vaportrail/videos http://thespenceleyspoileriffic.blogspot.com/
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J-Solo Registered: Oct '99	Date Posted: 2/24/05 12:31pm Subject: RE: Advice on my Atom Films entry
	Well, I don't know the original ad, so I can't compare. Your film looks really good, I liked the colors and the animation. As I said, I don't know the ad, so I didn't find it funny. Ending with a BANG! could be interesting. So...that's my useless post, sorry. -----signature----- My videos: http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=joaosolimeo
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FigChrystie Registered: Jan '04	Date Posted: 2/24/05 12:33pm Subject: RE: Advice on my Atom Films entry
	Change it to have the AIEKO ending. -----signature----- Defunct.
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braxtanFILM Registered: Dec '03	Date Posted: 2/24/05 1:39pm Subject: RE: Advice on my Atom Films entry
	Go ahead and laugh at my pathetic prequel knowledge! If I could, I'd have a frontal lobotomy to have all memory of the prequels removed! Okay, they're not that bad. I thought of another idea. After the cloner alien dude tells the clone trooper he can't help, instead of falling over, we cut to a shot of the stupid gecko standing near the group. The clone trooper punts the lizard. "Talking Geckos? What won't they cram into this franchise?" -----signature----- I'm Hank Braxtan, and I approved this message. http://www.braxtanfilm.com Even on TF.N, I get no respect!
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JediMasterBuck Registered: Sep '04	Date Posted: 2/24/05 2:30pm Subject: RE: Advice on my Atom Films entry
	Honestly, I think it's flat. There's got to be some kind of better pay off at the end. It's a great idea - I actually wish I had thought of it - but it's missing...something. These are such bad commercials and the poor sap in them (in this case, the clone) always takes the news so well, maybe he could pull out a blaster a shoot everyone.
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JustinZ Registered: Jul '03	Date Posted: 2/24/05 2:33pm Subject: RE: Advice on my Atom Films entry
	And while the clone shoots him, he could ask whether the Kaminoan got good rates on life insurance! Justin -----signature----- They thought it was love, but it was only the caffeine.
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WhisperingDeath Registered: May '02	Date Posted: 2/24/05 2:38pm Subject: RE: Advice on my Atom Films entry
	It just isn't funny. It's a one joke flick but you're giving up the joke when you introduce it as a geico ad spoof. Eh, and the joke isn't really that great even if you don't give it up. I could think of some ways to help the spoof some but bluntly and honestly your time would be better spent trying to find another joke. -----signature----- http://www.woundedwarriorproject.org
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Funk-E Registered: Sep '03	Date Posted: 2/24/05 2:40pm Subject: RE: Advice on my Atom Films entry
	I think we should not trust your sense of humor on this, given your past inclinations. I think it has the potential to be funny, but it really does need a stronger punchline, beyond the Geico bit. -----signature----- I'm so adjective, I verb nouns. RIP George Carlin!
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Sage_Halcyon Title: Former FanForce CR Enterpris e, AL USA Registered: Mar '02	Date Posted: 2/24/05 3:04pm Subject: RE: Advice on my Atom Films entry - Date Edited: 2/24/05 3:05pm (1 edits total) Edited By: Sage_Halcyon
	I'd have the Trooper just stare at him, not saying anything. Or, stare for a few seconds then mutter something under his breath such as, "Yeah, whatever. Go eat some leaves, you long-necked giraffe looking ..." and have the shot end right before he says the last word. I dunno. I'm rambling again. Don't listen to me. Pretend I'm Fig. A hot and sexy Fig. Sage H. -----signature----- HMHFilms---"We think in Widescreen." Thank God Sage knows what he is talking about. --- beafet http://www.sabercomp.com Hooray violence! That's Hispanic temper for you folks. ---ObiJuan2080
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durbnpoisn Title: TFN Staff Ca st & Crew Database Registered: May '02	Date Posted: 2/24/05 3:21pm Subject: RE: Advice on my Atom Films entry
	These are such bad commercials and the poor sap in them (in this case, the clone) always takes the news so well, maybe he could pull out a blaster a shoot everyone. It's funny you should say that, because that's exactly the way that it was written. I even have the animation done of the trooper standing up and blasting everyone. I even have the line from Mike saying, "Does Aieko cover this?!?" (well, it needs to be redone...) But, I thought that might have been going too far. Although, now that I see it mentioned, I think that is still a possibility. -----signature----- Fan Films Database: R.I.P. Cloning in AE: http://www.durbnpoisn.com/films/cloneTut/index.asp My Star Wars Fan Films: http://www.durbnpoisn.com/films
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JediMasterBuck Registered: Sep '04	Date Posted: 2/24/05 3:23pm Subject: RE: Advice on my Atom Films entry - Date Edited: 2/24/05 3:24pm (1 edits total) Edited By: JediMasterBuck
	Yes, yes - to Justin and Whispering Death you must listen! He should pause for a beat after hearing the insurance bit, then pull out his blaster, shoot both of them and ask something like "what kind of a deal did you get on your life insurance?" Then reveal the Aeiko logo and a funny tag line. Make no reference to it before that. Don't give away the joke before the film even starts!
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braxtanFILM Registered: Dec '03	Date Posted: 2/24/05 3:26pm Subject: RE: Advice on my Atom Films entry
	And don't forget the death star! BTW, what caused your past entries to not make it in? Why are you being so careful this time around? -----signature----- I'm Hank Braxtan, and I approved this message. http://www.braxtanfilm.com Even on TF.N, I get no respect!
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JediMasterBuck Registered: Sep '04	Date Posted: 2/24/05 3:32pm Subject: RE: Advice on my Atom Films entry - Date Edited: 2/24/05 3:33pm (1 edits total) Edited By: JediMasterBuck
	You know I've always thought that Durb is one of the most conceptually strong filmmakers here. Disaster at Naboo, the Episode III Oobi trailer and now this are all really great concepts.
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