| Author |
Topic:
Good Work (imperial officer vig-- short)
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PadawanRoo
Registered:
Aug '03
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Date Posted:
1/13/05 10:01pm
Subject:
Good Work (imperial officer vig-- short)
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Comes to about a page in Word. There's something about it that I'm not entirely happy with, but I can't figure out what, exactly. Feedback always welcome and appreciated.
The reflections of an Imperial Officer assigned to the Death Star. No 'ships, no swear words, no sex or drug use of any sort.
Good Work
I do good work.
That’s why I left my homeworld to become an Imperial officer.
That’s why I took assignment on the Death Star.
I graduated officer training at the very top of my class. I could have been halfway down the road to my own command. I wanted to be assigned here. I wanted to be where everything was happening. I wanted to help show the misguided rebels how bright the light of civilization could shine.
I didn’t look away when Princess Leia came onto the command deck. I didn’t care if she saw me. I wanted her to see me. I wanted her to know I was not the frightened drone she described in her rebel propaganda. I wanted her to see my sharply pressed uniform, and how proud I was to be wearing it.
I do good work.
That’s why I left my homeworld to become an Imperial officer.
That’s why I wear this uniform.
It’s bloody now. No one notices. Admiral Tarkin hasn’t ordered me to go clean it. No one has asked why the sharp creases are withering. I suppose it’s because their uniforms are bloody, too.
Soaked in blood. Reeking of it as it dries, rusting the sharply pressed fabric, staining it so many shades of brown. I try to brush it off, but it remains.
I do good work.
That’s why I left my homeworld to become an Imperial officer.
That’s why I follow all my orders.
Continue with the operation. You may fire when ready.
That’s when I looked away. I knew she was the only other person in the room that could see the blood, creeping slowly over my uniform; disintegrating the stiff folds.
No! Alderaan is a peaceful planet-- we have no weapons!
I do good work.
That’s why I took assignment on the Death Star.
That’s why I left Alderaan to become an Imperial officer.
-----signature-----
Good Work: the reflections of an imperial officer aboard the death star: http://boards.theforce.net/The_Saga/b10476/18048264/ Perhaps They're In Need of a Gardener: http://boards.theforce.net/The_Saga/b10476/14692676
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Laine_Snowtrekker
Registered:
Jul '03
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Date Posted:
1/14/05 7:27am
Subject:
RE: Good Work (imperial officer vig-- short)
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Ooh, I wasn't expecting that. That gaves me chills up and down my spine. The last line just hit me. Wasn't expecting it.
Good viggie!
-----signature-----
Stealth and subtlety work well, but for making lasting impressions, a blaster does just fine. -Han
Room full of gold and jewels, and Dr. Daniel Jackson finds the one book. -Cam
Palso's #1 Fan
JO: RS1, Admiral
Fanfic link in bio (esp. 08 Diary Challenge)
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LukesTheMan
Registered:
Apr '04
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Date Posted:
1/14/05 1:05pm
Subject:
RE: Good Work (imperial officer vig-- short)
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Oh!  Very nicely done!
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BrokenNoseOfQui-Gon
Registered:
Nov '04
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Date Posted:
1/14/05 1:19pm
Subject:
RE: Good Work (imperial officer vig-- short)
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Great twist! It was succint and well written. Very realistic.
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PadawanRoo
Registered:
Aug '03
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Date Posted:
1/15/05 8:50am
Subject:
RE: Good Work (imperial officer vig-- short)
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this is going to sound silly, but when LJ went down, I lost the link to the story and the boards. It just this morning occurred to me that that wasn't the only way to access them... it was one of those dumb moments.
But thank you to everyone for their kind comments. I was afraid the final twist was going to come off too obvious, so I'm glad it actually got some people.
I've got several comments over on lj (whenever it comes back up...) indicating that it needs to be longer by two or three paragraphs, to space the repetition out more. How do people feel about that?
~Roo
-----signature-----
Good Work: the reflections of an imperial officer aboard the death star: http://boards.theforce.net/The_Saga/b10476/18048264/ Perhaps They're In Need of a Gardener: http://boards.theforce.net/The_Saga/b10476/14692676
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TurnedJedi
Registered:
Aug '02
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Date Posted:
1/15/05 11:16am
Subject:
RE: Good Work (imperial officer vig-- short)
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Really cool!
That twist just make the story great. It was a very neat way of you to add emotion and depth.
Loved it!
-----signature-----
The Hitchhiker's Guide to a Galaxy Far, Far Away: http://boards.theforce.net/Beyond_the_Saga/b10477/18822061/?1 * * * Proud Member of The Spoiler Free Cantina
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Indra
Registered:
Dec '03
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Date Posted:
1/15/05 3:07pm
Subject:
RE: Good Work (imperial officer vig-- short)
- Date Edited:
1/15/05 3:10pm (1 edits total)
Edited By:
Indra
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Great idea! Absolutely wasn't expecting that at the end. Really very well done. 
EDIT Just saw your question. I really don't think that it needs to be longer. You presented what you wanted to well and right to the point, which fits the story very well. The twist at the end is not easily anticipated and the repetition is done often enough to get the meaning across. I like it the way it is.
-----signature-----
I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. - Douglas Adams Picking Every Blade of Truth http://boards.theforce.net/the_saga/b10476/23113954/p1/?1 - collaboration with VaderLVR
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Geith_Jiseo
Registered:
Dec '04
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Date Posted:
1/15/05 7:01pm
Subject:
RE: Good Work (imperial officer vig-- short)
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Whoa! Love the twist at the end! An Alderaanian becoming an Imperial officer? Who'da thunk it? 
Very nice job, PadawanRoo!
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princess_meg
Registered:
Jun '04
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Date Posted:
1/15/05 7:55pm
Subject:
RE: Good Work (imperial officer vig-- short)
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That was so fantastic! I wish I'd written it, really really great!
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Layren
Registered:
Oct '03
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Date Posted:
1/15/05 8:14pm
Subject:
RE: Good Work (imperial officer vig-- short)
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Oh wow that was a very interesting and unique vignette. Loved the twist there at the end. Good job!
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PadawanRoo
Registered:
Aug '03
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Date Posted:
1/16/05 1:03pm
Subject:
RE: Good Work (imperial officer vig-- short)
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Thanks again to everyone for the kind comments.
Thanks especially to Indira for answering the question I asked about the length, but I appreciate seeing everyone's reactions to it, because that alone tells me what about the work really got to people.
Y'all rock my socks. Cupcackes made with Layren's special stolen-jedi-frosting for everyone!
-----signature-----
Good Work: the reflections of an imperial officer aboard the death star: http://boards.theforce.net/The_Saga/b10476/18048264/ Perhaps They're In Need of a Gardener: http://boards.theforce.net/The_Saga/b10476/14692676
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Geith_Jiseo
Registered:
Dec '04
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Date Posted:
1/16/05 4:21pm
Subject:
RE: Good Work (imperial officer vig-- short)
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Kewl! I love cupcakes. 
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PadawanRoo
Registered:
Aug '03
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Date Posted:
1/16/05 9:57pm
Subject:
RE: Good Work (imperial officer vig-- short)
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yes, they're quite tasty. You might want to check out Layren's Five Second Rule for some real cupcaky goodness.
-----signature-----
Good Work: the reflections of an imperial officer aboard the death star: http://boards.theforce.net/The_Saga/b10476/18048264/ Perhaps They're In Need of a Gardener: http://boards.theforce.net/The_Saga/b10476/14692676
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Indra
Registered:
Dec '03
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Date Posted:
1/19/05 12:34pm
Subject:
RE: Good Work (imperial officer vig-- short)
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You're welcome, but you wrote my screenname wrong. 
-----signature-----
I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. - Douglas Adams Picking Every Blade of Truth http://boards.theforce.net/the_saga/b10476/23113954/p1/?1 - collaboration with VaderLVR
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