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Author	Topic: A Saga of Unfortunate Events, Book the First: The Sulky Slave (TPM, tragicomic) - 2/3: Chapter 2 up!
Fate Registered: Apr '03	Date Posted: 6/1/05 9:12pm Subject: A Saga of Unfortunate Events, Book the First: The Sulky Slave (TPM, tragicomic) - 2/3: Chapter 2 up! - Date Edited: 2/3/06 5:21pm (6 edits total) Edited By: Fate
	WARNING: READING THIS FANFIC WILL LIKELY RESULT IN SEVERE MELANCHOLY. * Dear Reader, I can only hope you have unintentionally clicked the wrong link, and that now your little cursor is scampering to hit the “Back” button. I can only pray you would not willingly subject yourself to the horrors within this fanfic when you might be spared. To preserve your innocence, I would highly recommend not reading about the following things you are likely to find in this miserable tale alone: bossy holograms, grumpy queens, confounding local dialects, and irritating childhood nicknames. I have entrusted Fate with these tales, as it seemed fitting. But there is no reason why you, dear reader, must proceed further. With all due respect, Riskeny Pickett * ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ For Fate ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Why, you cruel vixen? Why? * Prologue If you are looking for a cheery fanfic, in which charming characters dance giddily about maypoles, have crumpets in the light of the afternoon suns, then jump to hyperspace with minimal effort and amid a fountain of falling stars, you would be better off reading some other fanfic entirely, for such things as maypoles, crumpets, and laziness imply a happy tale, and as much as it pains me to admit it, this fanfic simply is not. In fact, I resent the very term ‘fanfic’ as a matter of principle. A fanfic, as you are likely aware, is a private interpretation of a popular film or series of books that, while often clever, is seldom verifiable by actual fact. Not so this tale. I defy you to prove otherwise, with the fierce hope that the process of doing so will keep you too preoccupied to read any further. I continue. A maypole, as you probably know, is a sturdy piece of wood or metal with colorful streamers attached to it, by which dancers swing merrily about to celebrate the first of May for reasons that entirely escape me. But if you should be so foolhardy as to read this depressing fanfic, while you may well encounter characters in the act of screaming, “Mayday! Mayday!”, they will likely be doing so while plummeting to their deaths, instead of in the spirit of festive cheer. And crumpets, as you no doubt have heard, are circular strips of stale cake often accompanied by tea and polite conversation. But there is very little cake to be found in this dismal story, either stale or otherwise, no tea at all, and conversation that is impolite to the extreme, a phrase which here means, “rude, insulting, and not at all the sort of communication you’d expect to find at a tea party.” Finally, though you will probably notice a few conveniently-timed hyperspace jumps peppered throughout this distressing fanfic, and though they will often be accompanied by meteor showers, they will nonetheless be hyperspace jumps filled with misery, discomfort, and ration bars, which are far staler than the stalest piece of yeasted flour to be found on any world. In the face of all these dismal facts, it would be far better for you to put this fanfic down right away and click on something cheerier, rather than persisting in reading something so wretched, so utterly appalling, so brimming with tormenting torture and tortuous torment that you are bound to find yourself in the throes of sorrow, a phrase which here means, “weeping, gnashing your teeth, and tearing your hair out.” I do not particularly enjoy writing stories such as these, and yet it is my sad duty to do so, that the truth behind this woeful tale might finally be seen, in spite of all the propaganda, a word which here means, “cups, t-shirts, and beverages that all display the same attractive logo, that the unassuming masses might be collectively misled, a phrase which here means ‘tricked, the lot of them, into spending their last bits of paper currency on the products so heavily advertised.’” But in spite of my noble mission, I wish I could tell you a happy tale, in which a young boy with pleasant facial features manages to break free from bitter servitude, become a renowned hero completely by accident, marry the woman he loves, and live happily ever after – but we don’t always get what we want in this world, and I’m afraid that is simply not the way the story goes. So this is your last chance to turn back from before this tragic tale, because the wickedness, the weariness, and the undiluted woe will begin with my very next words. * A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away… To be continued. -----signature----- "Lord Sidious promised us a reward! A-a handsome reward!" "I am your reward. You don't find me handsome?" - ROTS WARNING: Only misery lies beyond this link. http://boards.theforce.net/The_Saga/b10476/20040924 Destiné, Handmaiden of the Crest.
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LukesTheMan Registered: Apr '04	Date Posted: 6/1/05 9:18pm Subject: RE: A Saga of Unfortunate Events, Book the First: The Sulky Slave (TPM, tragicomic)
	Count me in! I can't wait to see what happens next. The prologue was wonderful. -----signature----- Of Metal and Flesh http://boards.theforce.net/The_Saga/b10476/19859245 Empty Vessel http://boards.theforce.net/The_Saga/b10476/19744934 Proud Master to Annika_Skywalker
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Fate Registered: Apr '03	Date Posted: 6/1/05 9:41pm Subject: RE: A Saga of Unfortunate Events, Book the First: The Sulky Slave (TPM, tragicomic) - Date Edited: 6/2/05 8:07pm (1 edits total) Edited By: Fate
	Fate: cackles Excellent. Glad you'll be along for the ride, LukestheMan. Riskeny Pickett: sighs I warn them, but they never listen. It's always the same - I always warn them... -----signature----- "Lord Sidious promised us a reward! A-a handsome reward!" "I am your reward. You don't find me handsome?" - ROTS WARNING: Only misery lies beyond this link. http://boards.theforce.net/The_Saga/b10476/20040924 Destiné, Handmaiden of the Crest.
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Salmeera Registered: May '05	Date Posted: 6/1/05 9:44pm Subject: RE: A Saga of Unfortunate Events, Book the First: The Sulky Slave (TPM, tragicomic)
	Can't wait for your next post! Very nice work mimicking all the aspects of A Series of Unfortunate Events, I love that author's style of writing, and I love Star Wars! Interesting combination, keep me posted on your next update -----signature----- "L is for love, sweet Padme," he added, in a soft whisper. "Name our child to honor our destiny."
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ithesock Registered: Mar '05	Date Posted: 6/1/05 9:46pm Subject: RE: A Saga of Unfortunate Events, Book the First: The Sulky Slave (TPM, tragicomic)
	Dear Riskeny Pickett, I have been warned, and I'm still foolhardy enough to follow your lead in this dark, dank and dangerous journey. Lead where ye will! -----signature----- Fields of Elysia (JA): http://boards.theforce.net/Before_the_Saga/b10475/20100957/?140 - 10/8 Epistles to a Master (JA, AU): http://boards.theforce.net/Before_the_Saga/b10475/20479680/?25 Lore-Master to Seven
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DarthIshtar Title: Former CR Star Wars Trivia Hostess Registered: Mar '01	Date Posted: 6/1/05 9:48pm Subject: RE: A Saga of Unfortunate Events, Book the First: The Sulky Slave (TPM, tragicomic)
	Fate, and you claim I'm a morose addict! Look at you! So funny! Love the comment about May day... -----signature----- "You are some self-important encyclopedia with too much time on his hands. I will see to it personally that you are used for spare parts every time my speeder needs an overhaul. You and that overpriced forklift out there." ~Dr. Bel Maden
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Valiowk Registered: Apr '00	Date Posted: 6/2/05 7:04am Subject: RE: A Saga of Unfortunate Events, Book the First: The Sulky Slave (TPM, tragicomic)
	Dear Riskeny Pickett, Unfortunately, I am not looking for a cheery fanfic, in which charming characters dance giddily about maypoles, have crumpets in the light of the afternoon suns, then jump to hyperspace with minimal effort and amid a fountain of falling stars. Therefore, I would conclude that I have found exactly the story to suit my tastes. I would be rather pleased if I could read the first chapter of your new book soon. Yours, Valiowk
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Jedi_Liz Title: Former CR Lincoln NE, USA Registered: Apr '00	Date Posted: 6/2/05 8:56am Subject: RE: A Saga of Unfortunate Events, Book the First: The Sulky Slave (TPM, tragicomic)
	giggles I am just now starting to read the Unfortunate Events books with Violet, Klaus and Sunny and this fanfic's title caught my eye........ I'm definitely in for reading it! -----signature----- Current Fic: Lightswords of Fury: Special Edition - L/M Romance http://boards.theforce.net/beyond_the_saga/b10477/24270936/ Chapter 19 posted on 7/21/08 Coming SOON: Mara Jade of Chandrila Grove Coming SOON to SAGA Fanfic
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Vague Registered: May '05	Date Posted: 6/2/05 10:22am Subject: RE: A Saga of Unfortunate Events, Book the First: The Sulky Slave (TPM, tragicomic)
	Wow! That was great. I can't wait to read more, despite the horrors and pain it might introduce me to.
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EmilieDarklighter Registered: Jan '02	Date Posted: 6/2/05 10:37am Subject: RE: A Saga of Unfortunate Events, Book the First: The Sulky Slave (TPM, tragicomic)
	Wow! addicted immediately More, please! -----signature----- Master of Jedi_Emeritus Former Padawan of Gabri_Jade Little sister to Gabri_Jade and LadyPadme 25 Rules for Successful Writing http://boards.theforce.net/fan_fiction_resource/b10304/28400222/p1/?2
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Fate Registered: Apr '03	Date Posted: 6/2/05 8:05pm Subject: RE: A Saga of Unfortunate Events, Book the First: The Sulky Slave (TPM, tragicomic)
	Fate: This is awesome. Salmeera: Thanks so much. I've adored those books ever since The Bad Beginning, mostly due to Mr. Snicket's incredible sense of writing style. I actually listened to most of them on tape - all of the ones narrated by Tim Curry. Riskeny Pickett would have liked Mr. Curry's help with this particular endeavor, but sadly, it's a no-go. (By the way, I love your icon and sig.) ithesock: I'm glad you liked it - Pickett's doing an awesome job. I'm glad I got picked to be Pickett's representative - for once, my screenname came in handy. DarthIshtar: laughs Trust me, I had nothing to do with it. There I was, minding my business... but we all know how that story tends to end. Valiowk: nods gravely I will convey your good wishes to Pickett at once. Jedi_Liz: I love those books, especially little Sunny. They just kept getting better and better. Unfortunately, I've read them all, so now I have to wait for more. Vague: Addicting, isn't it? The actual books are even more harrowing, but don't tell Pickett I said that. EmilieDarklighter: grins Great, isn't it? I'm glad you'll be along for the ride. Riskeny Pickett: I prithee, be so good as to ignore the unbridled optimism of my giddy representative. For my part, I am unable to decide whether to be grateful that I am not alone in my quest for peace and resolution in this weary galaxy, or to bemoan the fact that such a dizzying amount of foolhardiness should be compressed within this thread. Salmeera: nods Thank you for your support. I have more than once attempted to contact the elusive Mr. Snicket, but he has repeatedly rebuffed my offers, else I would pass your admiration on to him. However, much against my better judgment, I shall indeed keep you informed as to the progress of this woeful tale. ithesock: shakes head I can only hope that at this story's dismal end, you will still be rejoicing with the aid of emoticons. DarthIshtar: I might have known that my representative would claim credit for herself - she can be quite insolent. But I assure you that I, and I alone, have put in the research necessary to compile such a tale. Fate has the bad habit of gallivanting with pirates, and is now sadly, largely due to their vile influence, anything but reliable. Also, I note the grim spirit of your icon, and I rejoice that such an annoyingly cheerful creature will soon pass out of this life forever. Dear Valiowk: Ah. A 'kindred spirit', as a spunky, red-headed girl once put it. Very well. At least you are under no illusions as to the content of this ghastly tale. Proceed with caution. With all due respect, Riskeny Pickett Jedi_Liz: I am sure I speak in behalf of the fabled Mr. Snicket himself when I beg you, in the name of all you hold dear, to toss that horror-laden book into the nearest incinerator while you still can. Vague: You may change your tune when the true horror begins, but for the moment, I am grateful for your support. EmilieDarklighter: My dear young woman, I am sure I could think of a good many things better for your health. I suggest you cultivate an addiction to "Dora the Explorer" instead, for indeed she is so cheerful, my tainted soul can hardly bear to think of her. Thank you all for your expressions. You may expect more on Monday, should I live that long. -----signature----- "Lord Sidious promised us a reward! A-a handsome reward!" "I am your reward. You don't find me handsome?" - ROTS WARNING: Only misery lies beyond this link. http://boards.theforce.net/The_Saga/b10476/20040924 Destiné, Handmaiden of the Crest.
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mithrissa Registered: May '05	Date Posted: 6/2/05 10:55pm Subject: RE: A Saga of Unfortunate Events, Book the First: The Sulky Slave (TPM, tragicomic)
	Dear Mr Pickett, Or Riskney, if I may be so bold. Which I frequently am. In fact, I am often told I am a most impertinent creature, and it is this lamentable character trait which has forced my attention to this tale. My master has instructed me to read your words carefully, so that I may recieve wisdom from learning about the folly, woe and misery that is the inevitable consequence of the character and action of the protagonists, and thus warned, turn away from my hitherto wayward nature. I'm sure you will convey the necessary stern moral warning which my master seeks, although I hope for a ripping good yarn in the meantime. I really only have one more question for you: given that Fate is transcribing this story for you, (and in the light of your previous correspondance) are there likely to be pirates? I'm very fond of piratical adventure. Yours sincerely, Myth. -----signature----- The Triumph at Mustafar- http://boards.theforce.net/message.asp?topic=20766484&replies=0 The Ultimate Submission - http://boards.theforce.net/message.asp?topic=20911436&replies=23 " Even myth is long forgotten when the Age that gave it birth comes again"
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LadyPadme Title: Manager Emeritus Registered: Sep '02	Date Posted: 6/5/05 8:28pm Subject: RE: A Saga of Unfortunate Events, Book the First: The Sulky Slave (TPM, tragicomic)
	Fate, this is simply delicious! You've captured Lemony Snicket's voice so beautifully that I'm really impressed! Wonderful beginning -----signature----- Crest MD Naimé Evil Twin of Gabri_Jade When a baby smiles the world is happy VOTE OBAMA '08
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Siaynoqsbride Registered: May '05	Date Posted: 6/5/05 8:40pm Subject: RE: A Saga of Unfortunate Events, Book the First: The Sulky Slave (TPM, tragicomic)
	Heh heh heh... I cannot wait for an update. This looks very promising, and despite the fact that it will no doubt be riddled with misfortune and woe, I must beg of you to count me in.
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Fate Registered: Apr '03	Date Posted: 6/8/05 2:05am Subject: RE: A Saga of Unfortunate Events, Book the First: The Sulky Slave (TPM, tragicomic)
	Riskeny Pickett: Regrettably, the following chapter has been delayed due to circumstances beyond my control, chief among which being the fact that Fate decided to spend the weekend gallivanting by the seashore instead of retrieving my notes as requested, leaving me to privately despair of ever getting this first installment to the general public. Fortunately, the suspense is at now an end. Unfortunately, more suspense is soon to follow, as I must now respond to the kind, if foolhardy, readers that I chanced to miss before. My Dear Myth (if I may be so bold as to assume you so), The sweet words of your warm letter were greatly appreciated, particularly on such a bitterly cold evening. I savored them as I drank my thin broth, and felt better, if only for a moment. Although I must lament the deplorably bad literary taste your master evidently possesses, I cannot fault with such a summary of this sad tale, and can only hope you may glean from it all that you wish, in spite of the fact that alas! there will be no pirates. Before you deface your monitor, let me assure you that Fate is disappointed as well. With all due respect, Riskeny Pickett PS: Boldness is an admirable quality, one that I hope you will never lose. LadyPadme: sighs Even in her absence, Fate has laid claim to the fruits of my labor. Very well, milady. I will convey your good wishes. Siaynoqsbride: I shall indeed 'count you in'. I shall count you in the rapidly increasing number of precocious - if woefully foolhardy - individuals I have had the fortune of communicating with. I only hope you will not sob too bitterly - my last handkerchief was confiscated quite some time ago. I thank you all again for your kind words, and should you wish to speak to Fate - though I cannot imagine why - she will hopefully reply to my repeated correspondence within a day or so. At the moment, my informants tell me that she is sleeping, and so I have been forced to break into this internet café and - But they are approaching. I must post this chapter at once, or all will be lost. - R. P. Chapter I If you have stubbornly persisted in reading this fanfic, it is not for lack of effort on my part, so I certainly cannot be held liable, a word which here means “responsible for any injury you may choose to inflict upon yourself, your family members, or your public terminal while in the throes of despair.” But if I were you – alas, I am not – I would damage none of the above, and particularly not the third, since public terminals are, by their very definition, items belonging to the community at large, and are thus not yours to bash in simply because you are angry. Regardless of what the tragic results of your violent outburst may be, however, it gives me comfort to know that I cannot possibly be blamed for them. Civil suits can be expensive, after all, and not only am I not made of money, but as I am rudely stripped of what little paper currency I possess whenever I am forced to leave the country, any legal action taken against me could quite literally cost me an arm and a leg, particularly if such legal action took place on Tatooine, which is a ghastly desert planet that will unfortunately feature prominently in this saga, a phrase which here means “be visited over and over again, though once is really more than enough.” I digress. You will find that I frequently digress. You will also find that I leap from one topic to another with very poor syntax - a phrase which here means “lengthy sentences and too many commas” - and possess the infuriating habit of interrupting myself mid-sentence for no good If you should ever have the opportunity to visit another country, or even to encounter a culture vastly different from your own, you will likely notice a few local customs right away. The citizens of the land you are visiting might all bow as they greet you, for instance. Or perhaps they will shove you heartily beside their fire and insist that you share a kola nut with them, which is a mildly bitter, slightly stimulating snack native to West Africa. They might even begin to scream at you, loudly demanding that you leave their country, hut, or planet at once. This last happens to me with unpleasant frequency, as I am accosted and threatened nearly everywhere I go. But though you may well find the customs you come across in your travels to be quaint, bizarre, or even alarming, you will probably let them roll off your shoulder – a phrase which here means “assume them to be normal and go on your way” – as few are actually distressing. If you should bump foreheads with your polite hostess, you will likely recover in an hour or so. If you should develop a violent reaction to your kola nut, you will likely recover in a week or so. And although being run out of the country is most inconvenient, if you’ve encountered nothing but comas and allergies in your visit, you will likely leave the country quite eagerly. But if you should happen to find yourself on the receiving end of a truly distressing custom, you will likely leave in a huff, a phrase which here means “grumpily slamming every door, window, and suitcase you encounter on your way home.” A truly distressing custom will leave you angry. A truly distressing custom will leave you sulky. A truly distressing custom will make you wonder – “Is it in their nature to make us wait this long?” asked Obi-Wan Kenobi, grumpily snatching a drink from the protocol droid’s serving tray. And here again I must interrupt. If you do not know who this Obi-Wan Kenobi is, I suggest you leave at once, for at such a high level of confusion, there is little in this fic that will interest you, and I cannot possibly be expected to take the time to explain that Obi-Wan Kenobi is a renowned Jedi, that Jedi are the heroes of this unfortunate saga "from a certain point of view", and that it was Obi-Wan Kenobi who coined that particular phrase to begin with, though he had a bit of help from his master, Qui-Gon Jinn. If I took the time to do that, I would also have to explain that “renowned” is a word which here means “famous, and deservedly so, or so it is said”, that Obi-Wan’s master was equally renowned, that protocol droids are sophisticated, fussy robots which are constantly offering you beverages and asking after your health – I would have to explain all these things, along with a good deal else, and I simply cannot be expected to do so, for there aren’t enough hours in the day. So you’ll just have to make do. At any rate, it isn’t important, and in this early stage, too much information at once would only subject you to sleepless nights. All you need know, dear reader, is that Obi-Wan Kenobi, whoever he might be, is waiting, and that – as far as my research has been able to confirm – he has been waiting a very long time, long enough to question whether the current unpleasantness he is experiencing is indicative of a greater problem, a phrase which here means “proof that all Neimoidians are either completely dense or completely rude, and that in either case, they are hardly worth visiting again.” It is always unfair to prejudge an entire group based upon the actions of a few individuals within that group, but one can hardly blame Obi-Wan for being grumpy. No one likes to be kept waiting. But Nute Gunray had a very good reason for keeping his guests waiting. Again, I can’t possibly spare the time to tell you that Nute Gunray was the leader of a rich and powerful political group known as the Trade Federation, nor can I bother with describing his green, reptilian, crescent-shaped face. If I weren’t so pressed for time, I might describe his outfit, with its flowing robes and pointy hat, but I am pressed for time, quite feverishly so, and that is that. Anyhow, while Obi-Wan was busy snatching his drink, Nute Gunray was busy cowering before a shrouded blue figure, a phrase which here means “hologram of Darth Sidious”, even though the hologram – a word which here means, “projected image of colored light” – was only a projected image of colored light. But I can understand such fear, for I have experienced enough of this world and many others to realize that some people are so evil, so brimming with malice and poor hygiene, that their shadowy images alone can strike terror into the staunchest heart, a phrase which here means “make the noblest individual in the sector cower like Nute Gunray.” Such people are rude, insulting, vicious, often clad in dark robes, and always either in power or in the process of overthrowing those in power in order to gain power for power’s sake, usually with the reluctant aid of those they bully into helping them by ordering them about. Darth Sidious – a somewhat schizophrenic Sith Lord, a phrase which here means "member of an order that usually represents the ‘bad guys’ in this unfortunate saga, and one who can't seem to decide whether he is a mild-mannered politician or a wicked, wicked man" – was one such person, and he was currently in the process of bullying Nute Gunray into helping him gain power by ordering him about. “Begin landing your troops,” he was ordering, speaking, of course, of the Trade Federation transports currently waiting to invade Naboo, which was a peaceful planet of little strategic importance. Nute Gunray was alarmed, and rightly so. After all, an invasion, as I’m sure you know, involves storming into a village, planet, or grocery store with armored tanks and the like, then threatening everyone present with a violent death unless they give you all the kola nuts, treaties, or cookies that you want. It is a bullying tactic, and it is very rude. Nute Gunray didn’t wish to be rude; although my research indicates that he was something of a coward, that simply means that he was used to doing as he was told, whether he wished to or not, which is not at all the same thing as being rude. In fact, given his predisposition to cowardice, a phrase which here means “shameful record of having no backbone and letting bossy holograms walk all over him”, his next words were really quite brave. “My lord, is that… legal?” he stammered, attempting to sway the bossy hologram just this once. Refusing to be swayed, Darth Sidious curled his upper lip. This is a true feat - a phrase which here means “a skill that only the evilest of people can manage” - for anyone can cultivate an evil laugh, but very few villains can truly master a look of withering contempt. “I will make it legal,” snarled Darth Sidious, with a look of withering contempt. And that was that. Nute Gunray was not accustomed to being brave for extended periods of time, so he immediately cowered once more. “Yes, my lord. And the Jedi?” he asked hopefully. Surely the hologram would let them leave in peace. Nothing was so inconvenient, so utterly fraught with danger – a phrase which here means “very risky and life-threatening indeed” – as trying to kill a Jedi, unless it was trying to kill two at once. Lord Sidious did not appear to care. “The Supreme Chancellor should not have brought them into this. Kill them immediately,” he demanded, and rudely cut the connection. The burly security guard is approaching. I'd thought the half dozen powdered pastries I left in plain sight would keep him occupied for far longer, but apparently I was wrong. I must flee. I will continue this presently. With all due re -----signature----- "Lord Sidious promised us a reward! A-a handsome reward!" "I am your reward. You don't find me handsome?" - ROTS WARNING: Only misery lies beyond this link. http://boards.theforce.net/The_Saga/b10476/20040924 Destiné, Handmaiden of the Crest.
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mithrissa Registered: May '05	Date Posted: 6/8/05 4:18am Subject: RE: A Saga of Unfortunate Events, Book the First: The Sulky Slave (TPM, tragicomic) - 6/8: New Post
	My dear Ricketty, I should hate to comment on my master's dubious literary taste in public, but since your wise discernment has already noted this minor flaw in my master's otherwise impeachable character, I feel quite comfortable in admitting what is obvious to a learned man such as yourself. However, in an effort to please my master I have begun a list of the various moral lessons I have learnt from this scurrilous tale: Chapter One 1)Public property should not be wantonly destroyed, regardless of extremities of emotion. 2)Foreign cultures will have strange customs: be grateful when you escape unscathed. 3)Invading other countries is rude. 4)Curling upper lip in gesture of withering contempt is useful marker of evilness, and preferably should be practised in private, in front of mirror, before displaying in attempt to bully minions. I look forward adding to my list, but I must go and find a suitable (and flattering!) mirror, Yours fondly, Myth. -----signature----- The Triumph at Mustafar- http://boards.theforce.net/message.asp?topic=20766484&replies=0 The Ultimate Submission - http://boards.theforce.net/message.asp?topic=20911436&replies=23 " Even myth is long forgotten when the Age that gave it birth comes again"
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