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Author	Topic: Memento Mori (L/M Viggie, very early NJO)
Bri_Windstar Registered: May '02	Date Posted: 8/29/03 9:42pm Subject: Memento Mori (L/M Viggie, very early NJO) - Date Edited: 11/9/03 7:38pm (2 edits total) Edited By: Bri_Windstar
	Hola all. This is a Mara POV about her thoughts on her disease. The title comes from an X-files episode of the same name (one of the greatest things ever to grace a TV screen ), im just transfering the idea from one fav redhead to another. A memento mori is a reminder of death or mortality. In Latin, it translates literally into "Remember you are dying". Many, many, many thanks to my beta, Gabri_Jade, my tres cool Mara Coach who is forever shedding light for me on the enigma that is Mara Jade. Thank you much dear, Huggies Disclaimer: Not mine. No money. Nuff said. Now let's see if I passed my first test Memento Mori If one were to look out the window, they would see Coruscant as is has appeared for years- crowded, busy, and indifferent to its inhabitants. Coruscant keeps moving forward, regardless of what befalls those who live there. Someone looking out the window would see what is, for all intents and purposes, an ordinary day. They would see no evidence of the new threat that has invaded the galaxy. They would not see that galaxy fighting for its very survival. They would not see me fighting for mine. That is the view I have from my seat on the couch in the study. Dawn is just now beginning to peek over the horizon, but time has little meaning on this planet, this planet that never sleeps. The study lights are not turned on; the pastel rays of the rising sun are barely enough to illuminate the room, casting enormous shadows everywhere beyond their reach. They play across my face as I stare out at the cityscape. None of it registers. The outside world is of little consequence to me right now. My attention is turned inward, where it is needed. The disease is trying to spread again. I can feel it. It’s trying to take hold wherever it can find purchase, focusing particularly on my womb again. Breathing deeply, I call upon the Force to give me strength. I cannot allow the disease to advance. Not there. The very thought terrifies me, and I grit my teeth and concentrate even harder. It is relentless, this disease, but so am I. I give all I have to pushing it back. It must be held in check. Sometimes, however, it seems that all I have is not nearly enough- as is the case now. I squeeze my eyes tightly shut, ignoring the sweat starting to bead on my forehead, and delve deeper into the Force’s healing power. Its aura is almost palpable, all around me. My efforts finally seem to be working. I can feel the disease retreating. I open my eyes slowly, my breathing short and labored. It gets more taxing every day to fight this disease, every time it tries to overtake me. Regaining my composure, I look out the window once more. The shadows are fading ever so slowly as the subdued colors of early morning encase the study. It’s still relatively dark, though, and I take solace in that. I’m not ready to face another day, to hide behind my facade of vigor and nonchalance. I’m not ready to face my demons, my weakness. I give a mirthless laugh at this and turn my head away from the window. Weakness is something that I have never known, something I have never let myself know. It has always been beneath me, and I find it hard to swallow the concept that now I may be beneath it. My family wants to help, but there is really nothing they can do. The best doctors in the galaxy can only look at me and shake their heads sadly. It is a wonder that I am even here now, being the only one still alive after becoming exposed to the disease. That knowledge is very sobering. Most people would consider me lucky. Most people have never been in my position. The thought of my family threatens to bring tears to my eyes. They are concerned for me. Death is a very real constant now, thanks to the war against the Yuuzhan Vong that has already claimed one beloved life in this family, Chewbacca at Serpindal. Despite all that we’ve survived, we are not immune to death. Much as I love them, I do not want their pity. They give it anyway. I can see it in their eyes every time they are with me, their faces shadowed in worry and fear. The images are burned into my memory, giving a face to the disease, taunting me. They have all but given up hope. Why haven’t you? Worst of all is facing my husband. It’s hard now to wake up beside him in the morning. In those first moments when the conscious becomes aware but the eyes have yet to open, I feel his mournful gaze upon me. His constant presence is frustrating for both him and for myself, because he is forever torn by the urge to respect my wishes to handle this alone, and the desire to do anything and everything possible to save me. My darkest fears are mirrored in his eyes. His soul is drowning in a tide of despair and helplessness. Helplessness. He has no idea. The tears have formed in my eyes. Lost in my thoughts, I didn’t even notice them gathering. My eyes are so full that my vision is severely blurred, and one manages to slip free, tracing its way down my cheek. I swipe at it angrily, cursing myself for letting it fall. More follow it, however, my emotions seemingly beyond my control. Blinking hard to keep up with them, I find myself wanting to give in rather than fight, to surrender to release and let the tears flow unhindered. I am alone in this room; there is no one here to fool. A strangled sob escapes me, and I cry all the harder. The tears burn shamefully down my cheeks, and a part of me still rebels against giving in to my grief. This is not who I am. This is not how I face life. To hell with who I am. It’s what I’m fighting for, and it’s being taken away from me, slowly and painfully. Every day is a reminder that I am getting worse. It is a constant struggle, each day a battle fought against the enemy within, and I fear I’m losing the war. Every day is a reminder that I’m dying. I bury my face in my hands, rocking with the force of my emotions. My sobs have become loud and choking, near hysterical. My cheeks burn with the fury of my anguish, and my tears are a steady flow. I can taste the salt on my lips where the tears pool slightly before sliding off my cheeks. There is no end to this release. In the midst of my weeping, I hear my name called softly from the doorway. Pausing slightly, I glance up with swollen eyes to see Luke’s worried eyes staring questioningly back at me. “Mara, what’s wrong?” My first instinct is to lie, shameful as it is, to tell him that it’s nothing and that I’m fine. That is preposterous; I cannot even convince myself with that. It’s impossible to hide my distress from him. Besides, I don’t want to hide anymore. I need him right now. “I’m scared, Luke,” I reply, my voice barely a whisper. “I’m scared that I am getting weaker, that this disease will be the end of me.” The end of my reply gets lost in a sob as I start to cry anew. He is by my side in an instant, wrapping his arms tightly around me in a fierce embrace. My tears soak his shirt as I bawl on his shoulder, fisting his shirt in my hands. He offers no words of consolation; there is nothing he can say, no words can change this. He merely holds me, rocking with my grief as I lose myself in his embrace. I can sense his fear in the back of his mind. He tries to push it away for my sake, but it doesn’t work. That fear is always there, it has no where else to go. Try as I might to face this alone, he bears it anyway. Even watching on, he lives this because I live this. He carries us both, my burden as well as his own, and I never bothered to notice. Death is not something that I am ready for. It scares me to think that it is closer than I ever dreamed possible, that tomorrow I could draw my last breath. That is my reality, and I must face it. Each day I live with that. I dare not think what happens when I stop living with that. ****** Thanks for wallowing in the depression. :::giggles::: -----signature----- Mediocrity- it takes a lot less time and most people won't notice the difference before it's too late. * OMG! SO RIDICULOUSLY AND AGGRAVATINGLY PERFECT!- Gabri * 11010110101000101011
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YodaKenobi Title: TFN EU Staff Registered: May '03	Date Posted: 8/29/03 10:28pm Subject: RE: Memento Mori (L/M Viggie, very early NJO)
	wow, this is amazing. This is easily one of the best things I've ever read on these boards, you are very talented. I give a mirthless laugh at this and turn my head away from the window. Weakness is something that I have never known, something I have never let myself know. It has always been beneath me, and I find it hard to swallow the concept that now I may be beneath it. This section really captures why the disease was so hard on Mara IMO! You really got her right bri_windstar. This is great! -----signature----- FADA Therapist The Lands of the Dead: http://boards.theforce.net/beyond_the_saga/b10477/28522077/p1/ Blood Trail: http://boards.theforce.net/beyond_the_saga/b10477/28636429/p1 "We're Jedi, not assassins."— Anakin Solo
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J_M_Bulldog Registered: Apr '03	Date Posted: 8/29/03 10:32pm Subject: RE: Memento Mori (L/M Viggie, very early NJO)
	Wow! Awesome job! Poor Mara. growls at LucasBooks and DelRay for giving Mara that disease. Again, Wow! -----signature----- BA(bad attitude), aka Thwack, of TKL's Lomin Ale Wraiths I am never down. I am either up or I am getting up, but I am never down. Stop telling God how big your storm is; instead tell the storm how big your God is.
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JediMasterKobe Registered: Apr '03	Date Posted: 8/29/03 10:40pm Subject: RE: Memento Mori (L/M Viggie, very early NJO)
	throws ewoks at Nom Anor You evil Sith-spawned... chokes on own words snap-hiss, snap-hiss ignites two lightsabers, 1 navy/white and 1 purple/gold Do-ro'ik vong pratte! charges after the scarhead You feel lucky? Punk?
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Gabri_Jade Title: Fan Fiction Archive Editor Emeritus Registered: Nov '02	Date Posted: 8/29/03 11:21pm Subject: RE: Memento Mori (L/M Viggie, very early NJO)
	tackle hugs Bri You posted! Phenomenal, darling. You did a fantastic job capturing Mara's personality - and even more impressive, you captured her personality in an incredibly rare moment of weakness. Your writing style is both eloquent and poetic. Truly beautiful. -----signature----- Evil Twin of LadyPadme This concept of "wuv" confuses and infuriates us! - Futurama All I can do is be me. Whoever that is. -Bob Dylan The Space Between Heartbeats - L/M AU vig http://boards.theforce.net/b/b1/28870280 !!11!1eleventy
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Lt_Jaina_Solo Registered: May '02	Date Posted: 8/30/03 2:35pm Subject: RE: Memento Mori (L/M Viggie, very early NJO)
	That was great, Bri_Windstar!!! You had tears coming to my eyes! Awesome job! -----signature----- Handmaiden Irelynné, Handmaiden of the Crest All links to stories in bio!
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MariahJade2 Title: FanFic Archive Editor Registered: Mar '01	Date Posted: 8/30/03 7:54pm Subject: RE: Memento Mori (L/M Viggie, very early NJO)
	*chokes back tears* -----signature----- Have a question or suggestion for the Archive? PM me anytime. Thank you Phillies! World Series Champs. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7CI39brXvw "Why can't us" Best line of 2008
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astrowoman Registered: Nov '02	Date Posted: 8/30/03 7:56pm Subject: RE: Memento Mori (L/M Viggie, very early NJO)
	Wow, very moving. I too had tears. Funny, I was just thinking about Mara earlier today and how stupid it was for them to give her that disease. What was the point of that? Anyway, very nice viggie Astro -----signature----- I used to have a sig line. And I will again. As soon as I think of a good one!
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LadyPadme Title: Manager Emeritus Registered: Sep '02	Date Posted: 8/30/03 8:46pm Subject: RE: Memento Mori (L/M Viggie, very early NJO)
	Wow. Depression is right! That was beautifully done, Bri! And I loved the X-Files title One of the things that annoyed me early on in the NJO was Mara's refusal to allow anyone to help her with her disease issues and how she would even push Luke away. I like how you've shown that once in a while even Mara could break down and need help. Lovely! Sends more Dr. Peppers -----signature----- Crest MD Naimé Evil Twin of Gabri_Jade When a baby smiles the world is happy VOTE OBAMA '08
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Jedi_Liz Title: Former CR Lincoln NE, USA Registered: Apr '00	Date Posted: 8/30/03 8:59pm Subject: RE: Memento Mori (L/M Viggie, very early NJO)
	poor Mara. -----signature----- Current Fic: Lightswords of Fury: Special Edition - L/M Romance http://boards.theforce.net/beyond_the_saga/b10477/24270936/ Chapter 19 posted on 7/21/08 Coming SOON: Mara Jade of Chandrila Grove Coming SOON to SAGA Fanfic
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Bri_Windstar Registered: May '02	Date Posted: 8/30/03 9:12pm Subject: RE: Memento Mori (L/M Viggie, very early NJO) - Date Edited: 8/30/03 9:52pm (3 edits total) Edited By: Bri_Windstar
	YodaKenobi: Wow Thank you! I’m sorry, but the authors of the NJO handled the whole situation like crap. They never got very deep into how the disease was affecting Mara, and characterization was just so bad. I know different aspects of Mara’s character, what makes her who she is, but I have a bit of a hard time conveying all that. For someone else to say I got it right it so cool! Thank you! J_M_Bulldog: Thank you! Yeah, the whole disease thing was silly and a waste of time at that. It was just there, and all it did was cause rifts between the characters. My little step to rectify the problems I have with it. Glad you liked it. JediMasterKobe: LOL! That was certainly not something I was expecting to see! You have at it; tell me when you succeed. :::giggles::: And thanks for reading! Gabri_Jade: Gabri!!!! :::tackle hugs right back::: Well, I have a good teacher. I wondered if weak was something that Mara could be portrayed as, they say everyone has a moment of weakness. Words and phrases don’t come to me very easily, so thank you so much for your help. And a thwack-free week to boot is wonderful. Huggies dear. Lt_Jaina_Solo: Goodness, wow. I’m flattered you liked it so much. I never dreamed I would bring someone to tears! I love when fics move me that much, not that they do it that often. I guess that’s the charm of the ones that do. Thank you so much! MariahJade2: :::offers a tissue and smiles consolingly::: Another one? Wow. Thank you so much for your feedback! And your reaction. It’s greatly appreciated. astrowoman: :::blushes furiously::: You guys are turning me into a tomato over here!!! I’m flattered, really. I have no idea what the point was. Was there even one? I didn’t see it Tell me when you find it. LadyPadme Somehow I thought you’d like the title The depression thing is a bit of a joke. I’m getting quite good at it, I think. :::giggles::: That annoyed me to no end, as well. I remember the scene in Vector Prime where Leia hears her crying, and then they talk about it. Apparently it’s a possible thing. Twas my way of satisfying my disappointment with the whole thing. :::hands LP Diet Coke in return of Dr. Pepper::: You always leave the best feedback, thank you! Huggies! Jedi_Liz: :::giggles::: Yes, poor Mara. Tis not fair what they did to her. :::grumbles::: Thanks for popping in ::Windstar Out:: -----signature----- Mediocrity- it takes a lot less time and most people won't notice the difference before it's too late. * OMG! SO RIDICULOUSLY AND AGGRAVATINGLY PERFECT!- Gabri * 11010110101000101011
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joy_noel Registered: Aug '02	Date Posted: 8/30/03 9:46pm Subject: RE: Memento Mori (L/M Viggie, very early NJO)
	I hate that disease soo much! You did a beautiful job writing Mara's thoughts and feelings.
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KnightHawk Registered: Jan '03	Date Posted: 8/30/03 10:04pm Subject: RE: Memento Mori (L/M Viggie, very early NJO)
	(To self): MUST... STOP... CRYING... (Cannot stop.) Absolutely beautiful. One of the most heart-felt stories I have ever read.
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LianaMara Registered: Oct '00	Date Posted: 8/30/03 10:56pm Subject: RE: Memento Mori (L/M Viggie, very early NJO)
	What a beautiful vig! Bri, you did an awesome job. I hate the evil illness, but you got inside Mara's head and showed the weakness and pain she was fighting, and how she couldn't deal with alone. This is a wonderful, moving piece. -----signature----- "For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business." --T.S. Eliot Leilaé, handmaiden of the Crest \|\| petit Jedi enfant of obaona \|\| Lani & Lali's blonde triplet
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Jedi-2B Registered: Nov '00	Date Posted: 8/31/03 2:35pm Subject: RE: Memento Mori (L/M Viggie, very early NJO) - Date Edited: 8/31/03 2:41pm (1 edits total) Edited By: Jedi-2B
	You did an excellent job with this, Bri. You got Mara's character perfect. And I'm glad, too, that you let her cry on Luke's shoulder. I know Mara is fiercely independent, but I didn't like how the NJO portrayed her as even pushing Luke away. Didn't the scene in VotF when the Jade's Fire crashes teach the authors anything? Oh wait, many of the NJO authors didn't read any of the novels that came before, did they? I also liked how you have Mara reflect that Coruscant never changes, despite the Vong, when we now know that it, in fact, does change very much. Parallels her thinking that she'll never get well and have a child, when in fact she does defeat her illness and have Ben. I'm glad you wrote this now, instead of when Mara was still ill, or it would be even more depressing. Anyway, I'm looking forward to reading more of your work, Bri. -----signature----- It was on her fifteenth day in the darkness of the Nirauan cave when Mara Jade awoke to discover a rescuer had finally arrived. It was not, however, any of the potential rescuers she would have expected. It was Luke. ~~And the rest is history~~
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RebelMom Title: TFF Secretary Registered: Apr '00	Date Posted: 8/31/03 2:59pm Subject: RE: Memento Mori (L/M Viggie, very early NJO)
	grabs a tissue and joins others crying Great job, Bri. Very emotional. I agree that Mara wouldn't have pushed Luke away like in the books. -----signature----- Short Story: Pressure Point http://boards.theforce.net/beyond_the_saga/b10477/26961243/p1/?7 Jacen Solo and Anakin Skywalker - as it should have been. TFF: Cheryl
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