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Author	Topic: The Hitchhiker's Guide to Wuher's Cantina (x-over, SW&HHGTTG. C-3PO, Marvin, Artoo, Han, Ford)
PresidentKang Registered: Jun '04	Date Posted: 6/25/04 4:35pm Subject: The Hitchhiker's Guide to Wuher's Cantina (x-over, SW&HHGTTG. C-3PO, Marvin, Artoo, Han, Ford)
	The Hitchhiker's Guide to Wuher's Cantina Author: PresidentKang Disclaimer: I don't own either Star Wars or HitchHikers so I can't profit off this and these aren't my characters. I wish they were though because if I owned both of these franchises that would be SWEET! I could litterally bathe in money like Scrooge McDuck! Uh, what was I saying again? Oh yeah, please don't sue. Summary: You know how the Heart of Gold has an improbabilty drive and can go anywhere? (well, if you don't you SHOULD!) What if the crew wanted a stiff drink and ended up at a certain Cantina in a galaxy far far away? Timeframe: Uhhhhhh. Sometime after ANH when Han, Chewie, C-3PO and Artoo went back to Tatooine. Hey, they had 3 years in between Ep. 4 and Ep. 5. It could happen! Characters: C-3PO, R2-D2, Han Solo, Chewbacca (Star Wars). Marvin, Ford Prefect, Arthur Dent (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) Genre: Humor, Angst, Drunkeness, 42. Author’s note: This was spawned from Challenge #7 - write a crossover on the Writer's Resource Board. Check out the thread over here: http://boards.theforce.net/Fan_Fiction_Resource/b10304/15775236/p1 Lets rock. ----------- Threepio had seen a lot of droids do a lot of strange things in his time. However, this was the first time he saw a droid deliberately bang its own head against a wall repeatedly. Artoo whistled in that low tone he did whenever something was going wrong. Obviously the actions of the silver droid were somewhat disconcerting to watch. Well, apparently it was only disconcerting to other droids. People walking by didn’t even notice. They were standing on the street outside the Cantina in Mos Eisley. The “No droids” rule was still in effect to this day. Threepio and Artoo didn’t mind; they were used to it. But apparently the silver droid, who was currently trying to bash its head in against the wall, disagreed with the “No droids” rule. Wham. “Oh yes, the delicious pain.” Wham. “That hurt so much.” Wham. “I must do it again.” Wham. “I don’t deserve to be inside”. Wham. “No one cares.” Wham. “I could do this for a millennia.” Wham. “Not as if anyone would notice.” Wham. Wham. Wham. The silver robot kept muttering while inflicting this torture upon himself. Or maybe he just wanted to torture the wall because he was starting to make a serious hole in the side. Threepio advanced cautiously. “Excuse me, sir?” Wham. “Don’t call me sir. It makes me sound like the rest of these biological lifeforms. I hate them so much. Even more then I hate this wall.” Wham. There was a pile of plaster pooling around his feet because he had hit the wall with his head so many times. “Why do you hate the wall, if I may ask?” Threepio asked. “It’s keeping me out,” said the silver droid. “It’s what walls are designed to do. Not that I would want to go in there and be with those biologicals. Their smells. Their bodily fluids. And the inane conversation that takes up so many braincells to complete. I could almost pity them if I didn’t pity myself more.” With that statement, the droid rammed its head against the wall for added emphasis. Wham. Wham. Wham. “Oh my!” Threepio fluttered. “You seem to be in a terribly awful condition. Can me and my counterpart cheer you up in any way?” “Do you know . . .” the silver droid said, not looking at them. Wham. “That I’m programmed with a mind that can run entire planets? Do you know what they make me do? They make me open doors. They send me on suicide missions into suns. They leave me to rot for countless millennia. They travel across time and galaxies for a stiff drink and insist upon dragging me along with them. And now they won’t even let me into a silly bar.” “Well, its not THAT important,” Threepio opined, trying to cheer the silver droid up. “Frankly, there’s no real sense of protocol in that place at all. A frightfully dreadful scene with drunkards trying to paw you at every opportunity.” He did the droid equivalent of a shudder. The droid equivalent of a shudder is usually so subtle that other droids didn’t tend to notice it. The silver one didn’t. “Trust me, my silver friend, you are much better outside.” The silver droid stopped banging its head against the wall of the cantina. For a moment Threepio thought he had gotten through to him. However that notion didn’t last very long because the droid suddenly collapsed to the ground and began dragging himself along the Mos Eisely sand. “Yes, so I’ll just wallow on the ground,” the silver droid said morosely. “Maybe the sand will seize up my gears and I’ll be unable to move at all. Then I’ll just lie here and the sun will fry all my circuits.” “I doubt that,” Threepio added helpfully. “You would probably be picked clean by Jawas before that happened.” “Maybe they’re reassemble me as a toaster,” the silver robot sulked. “Imagine the injustice of it all: my enormous brain used to burn bread. I hope they would scald themselves on edges of the toast. Then they’d probably throw me out.” Threepio turned away from the silver droid and leaned close to Artoo. The silver droid didn’t notice. Instead he crawled over to a nearby dewback and tried to stick his head into its mouth, begging for it to bite down. The dewback just walked away. “Artoo, I think we must help out this poor robot,” Threepio said with his voice hushed. Artoo twittered in agreement. “Plug in and see if you can see what’s wrong.” The pair of droids advanced on the silver robot. The robot had picked up a nearby broken Gaffi stick and was trying to stab it into his chest. It wasn’t working, but it was denting up his chrome finish something fierce. “Excuse me, my friend,” Threepio said. “I don’t have friends,” the robot pouted. “Well then lets make friends,” Threepio replied stubbornly. There had to be a solution to this. Maybe by opening up to him using simple polite protocol would help. “My name is C-3PO, Human Cyborg relations. And this is my counterpart, R2-R2. What is your name?” “Marvin,” the robot spat out. Which was quite a feat considering how he couldn’t spit. “Isn’t that such a dreadful name? My designers thought it would be cute for a robot.” Marvin the Robot threw the Gaffi stick away in disgust. “All they can do is just think about cute little names to give everything. If biologicals made a bomb that could destroy the universe they’d probably call it Fluffy Puppy.” “Er, yes, well.” Threepio had a hard time following Marvin’s logic. Everything seemed to lead to an elaborate depressive fantasy. “I believe my counterpart here will want to examine your circuits to see if you’ve been damaged in any way.” “Life has damaged me in every possible way,” Marvin said. “But let him plug in and see if he can comprehend just what its like to be me. I suspect he won’t like it.” Artoo was a stubborn little astomech and never one to back down from a challenge. He rolled up to beside Marvin and a tool flipped out of one of his compartments on his front. “Now,” Threepio said addressing Marvin, “if you’ll just let Artoo extend his probe into an open slot of yours.” “Isn’t he going to buy me flowers at least?” Marvin sighed, but obediently a panel flipped open on his arm and Artoo eagerly plugged in. The little astro-droid beeped happily. Marvin groaned angrily. The little astro-droid beeped happily again. Then the little astro-droid began to beep repeatedly. Then the little astro-droid squealed loudly and retracted itself from Marvin. Then the little astro-droid flew full speed into the Cantina wall and started to smash itself into it again and again. “Told you he wouldn’t like it,” Marvin said. Then he rolled over and switched himself off. “Oh my!” Threepio ran to the maddened and apparently suicidal Artoo. “What has that dreadful robot done to you?” Threepio ran to the doorway of the Cantina and yelled down. “Chewbaccaa! Please come out here and help!” The Wookie had adequate droid repair skills even though Threepio had never really forgiven him for that time he put his head on backwards. Still any help was needed with this increasingly desperate situation. “Chewbacca! Please come and help!” But no Wookie was forthcoming. The reason no Wookie was forthcoming was because at that point inside the Cantina Han Solo was trying to keep Chewie from tearing the head off a nosy drunk. Usually Han would just let Chewie have his fun, but considering the messy condition Han had left the place the last time he was here, he decided to cut the bartender some slack. If people kept getting killed whenever Han showed up, they might stop serving him drinks. “Easy Chewie, just simmer down pal,” Han said, imposing himself in between the Wookie and the loudmouthed drunk. A human in the way of a Wookie and his prey in most circumstances wouldn’t be worth bathna poodoo, but Han was hoping Chewie wouldn’t rip through him to get at the drunk. Hoping desperately, in fact. The drunk couldn’t take a hint. “What?!” he blurted out. The drunk tried to hold himself up at the side of the bar and didn’t really succeed. He settled upon a half sitting, half standing, half crouching and everything in between. It all made perfect sense to his alcohol fueled mind at the time. “I just wanted to know how often he has to buy flea repellant!” “And you asked him if he ever shaved his hair in the summer time,” Han reminded him. Chewie snarled his agreement. “And you asked him if he found hairballs arousing. And you asked him to pull your finger. Don’t you know it’s not wise to upset a Wookie?” Ford Prefect slapped himself on the forehead in an expression of amazement. Unfortunately this almost knocked himself unconscious. Thankfully another sip of his drink took care of that. “A Wookie!” Ford exclaimed. “What a great name! I don’t think we have any Wookies in the Guide! Just let me check…” At which point he reached into his bag and pulled out a something that looked like a largish electronic calculator. Han’s natural instinct would have been to think it was a weapon of some sort. But that thought was quashed when he noticed if it had large friendly words on the cover that said DON’T PANIC. Maybe Chewie took the advice to heart because after he saw those words, he stopped snarling aggressively. “Lemmie see,” Ford said. He tried to punch a few buttons to bring up the “W” category but he was so blind staggeringly drunk that he just kept hitting the number 3 repeatedly. “Bloody redesign makes it so hard to see the words – Hey Arthur!” he yelled out. A smallish scared looking man walked over. If Han didn’t know any better he would have thought the man was wearing mud soaked pajamas. But of course the idea of somebody donning that for regular attire was unbelievably silly so he discounted the thought immediately. Ford slapped Arthur on the back so hard that Arthur staggered forward. “Arthur, old boy, do us a favour and look to see if there’s any entry for ‘Wookies’ in the old guide? There’s a good chap.” He shoved the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy rather violently into Arthur’s chest. Arthur let out a rather surprised gasp of air that sounded a lot like “Wop”. Ford’s head immediately snapped around, instinctively looking for Krikkit war robots. He dropped into a defensive crouch and waved his arms above his head menacingly. Yet no deadly white robots were forthcoming so he relaxed and downed an entire shot of alcohol in about 20 milliseconds. “Barkeep!” Ford shouted, slapping his fist down on the table, “another round of drinks for myself and my friends over here!” Han looked over at Chewie. They both shrugged. Maybe these guys weren’t so bad after all . . . -----signature----- "I have failed you, Anakin. I have failed you."
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Tekli_theInsane Registered: Mar '04	Date Posted: 6/25/04 4:48pm Subject: RE: The Hitchhiker's Guide to Wuher's Cantina (x-over, SW&HHGTTG. C-3PO, Marvin, Artoo, Han, Ford)
	MUWAHAHAHAHAHAH! FIRST POST! I must start off by commenting on this: Genre: Humor, Angst, Drunkeness, 42 Pricless. You know, I've always been in favor of a Hitchhiker/SW crossover. I actually proposed it in that thread. But your idea is way better than mine was. It never really got past the whole speculation phase. I tried to write it during Ancient History, but my friend kept on trying to tear the paper out of my notebook. Wham. “Oh yes, the delicious pain.” Wham. “That hurt so much.” Wham. “I must do it again.” Wham. “I don’t deserve to be inside”. Wham. “No one cares.” Wham. “I could do this for a millennia.” Wham. “Not as if anyone would notice.” Wham. Wham. Wham. Ya' gotta' love Marvin. I could almost pity them if I didn’t pity myself more.” That line gets better each time I read it. “I doubt that,” Threepio added helpfully. “You would probably be picked clean by Jawas before that happened.” “Maybe they’re reassemble me as a toaster,” the silver robot sulked. “Imagine the injustice of it all: my enormous brain used to burn bread. I hope they would scald themselves on edges of the toast. Then they’d probably throw me out.” You know, Threepio and Marvin are perfect for eachother... snicker Instead he crawled over to a nearby dewback and tried to stick his head into its mouth, begging for it to bite down. The dewback just walked away. Words fail me. (Wait, I just wrote something...) Han’s natural instinct would have been to think it was a weapon of some sort. But that thought was quashed when he noticed if it had large friendly words on the cover that said DON’T PANIC. Maybe Chewie took the advice to heart because after he saw those words, he stopped snarling aggressively. One of the main selling points of the Guide, and it appears that it does have a point! And I loved Han's 'natural instinct.' Arthur let out a rather surprised gasp of air that sounded a lot like “Wop”. Possibly the best reference to the trilogy in the entire fic. I applaud your marvellous sense of humor. -----signature----- "Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind." ~Albert Einstein www.fanfiction.net/~tekli The Once and Future Fangirl--BRING ON THE ANGST Iiiiit's cheese, it's cheese, it's cheese that makes the world go round... oro...
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PresidentKang Registered: Jun '04	Date Posted: 6/25/04 5:43pm Subject: RE: The Hitchhiker's Guide to Wuher's Cantina (x-over, SW&HHGTTG. C-3PO, Marvin, Artoo, Han, Ford)
	You know, I've always been in favor of a Hitchhiker/SW crossover. I actually proposed it in that thread. Oh! No way, eh? I just found it on page 2. Maybe I saw it beforehand and it wormed its way into my brain. Anyway, like you said, Hitchhikers is easy to work into Star Wars. They DO have the Heart of Gold that can litterally go anywhere. (or the Starship Bistromath which apparently can go anywhere plus 1). What was your idea anyway? I wasn't really thinking about the specifics of how the two sides meet - I just wanted to write for Marvin and thought C-3PO would play off of him as well. I wonder what they'd both me like in a hopeless situation... Anyway, as I said somewhere else - Marvin is really hard to write sure, alot harder than it looks. Sure you can write "I hate them, I'm depressed" over and over, but the genius of Marvin is the way he says it in so many different ways so that's tricky. Fun to write, though, if you get into the swing of it. -----signature----- "I have failed you, Anakin. I have failed you."
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Tekli_theInsane Registered: Mar '04	Date Posted: 6/25/04 7:06pm Subject: RE: The Hitchhiker's Guide to Wuher's Cantina (x-over, SW&HHGTTG. C-3PO, Marvin, Artoo, Han, Ford)
	Sure you can write "I hate them, I'm depressed" over and over, but the genius of Marvin is the way he says it in so many different ways so that's tricky. True. His immense brainpower (that is apparently being wasted ) gives him enough time to think up all of those different ways. I imagine he would be fun. Yeah, I was pretty much thinking of having them accidentally end up in the GFFA on the Heart of Gold, get confused, come back. I really had no idea of the plot besides having the idea. I'm glad you tried it, I would have never pulled it off. -----signature----- "Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind." ~Albert Einstein www.fanfiction.net/~tekli The Once and Future Fangirl--BRING ON THE ANGST Iiiiit's cheese, it's cheese, it's cheese that makes the world go round... oro...
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