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Author	Topic: Jello Wars IV: A New Mix (ANH parody; Luke, Obi-Wan, Leia, Han, Vader)
lazykbys Registered: Oct '04	Date Posted: 2/19/05 8:18am Subject: Jello Wars IV: A New Mix (ANH parody; Luke, Obi-Wan, Leia, Han, Vader)
	Title: Jello Wars IV: A New Mix Author: lazykbys Timeframe: ANH Characters: Luke, Obi-Wan, Leia, Han, Vader Genre: parody Keywords: jello Summary: various scenes from ANH rewritten as really weird food fights Notes: This came to me while lurking in the Obi-Wan character workshop. Jello Wars IV: A New Mix Luke Skywalker sipped his drink, trying desperately to hide his fear. A few minutes ago he had told Ben Kenobi that he was ready to handle whatever Mos Eisley could throw at him. But now, surrounded by criminals and mercenaries and other assorted scum of the galaxy, he wasn't so sure. "Negola dewaghi wooldugger?" a four-eyed creature shouted at him. The alien was obviously drunk. Luke decided it was probably safer to ignore him than start a confrontation. "He doesn't like you," a human translated for him. "I'm sorry," Luke said. "I don't like you, either," the human continued. "You just watch yourself. We're wanted men. I have the death sentence in twelve systems." "I'll be careful then." Luke wondered if the man only wanted to intimidate him or start a fight. He hoped it wasn't the latter. He prayed it wasn't the latter. Even if he was only bluffing about the death sentences, the man looked tough enough to beat Luke into sand. "You'll be dead." Luke blanched at the man's words. Fortunately, Ben came to his rescue. "This little one isn't worth the effort," the old man said. "Come, let me buy you something." The alien roared, smashing a fist in Luke's chest and sending him flying. He then pulled out a squirt pistol and leveled it at the old hermit's head. The bartender said, "No squirters! No squirters!" Ben didn't even blink. With a calm air that suggested he did this all the time, he pulled a strange cylinder from his robes. A fruity scent filled the cantina as a blue liquid squirted from the cylinder, instantly becoming a transparent gel as it reacted chemically with the air. Within a second it had become a quivering blue rod as long as the old man's arm. He smashed it down on the alien's arm. The gel-saber did not break as Luke thought it would, but only left a small blue stain on the sleeve. The alien yelled in pain as something went crack, then was suddenly silenced as the blue gelatin was rammed into his mouth. For a moment Luke thought he would see the alien's head explode. But the gelatinous blade, which only a split second ago had been hard enough to break the alien's arm, merely squished on contact, filling the alien's mouth with cool, fragmented gelatin. Rage filled the alien's eyes, only to be replaced by fear as he saw the remains of the gel-blade only centimeters way from his face. He looked past it at Ben, who smiled as if to say, Are you sure you want to continue? And as abruptly as the fight began, it was over. Luke watched in amazement as the injured alien was lead away by his friend. Ben, who was now getting looks of respect from the cantina's patrons, merely strolled over to the waste receptacle to get rid of the blue gelatin. "This is Chewbacca," the old man said as he returned, gesturing at a Wookiee. "He's first mate on a ship that might suit our needs." The Death Star loomed over Alderaan like a sinister beverage-bulb from the forgotten age before artificial gravity. Beams of green liquid converged to become one massive turbo-squirt. In the vacuum of space, the mixture froze and boiled at the same time. However, the unprecedented volume made it possible for a solid core of gelatin to form in the center of the unified beam. Leia watched in horror as a million tons of gelatin raced toward her home planet. There was a white flash on impact with the atmosphere, and for a moment she let herself hope that the lethal weapon had become vaporized by air friction. It had not. The mind-numbing mass struck the planet's surface like the hammer of a crazed god. Its kinetic energy was instantly translated into an explosion that literally shook the world. From her vantage point in orbit, Leia saw the ground ripple, like a pond that has had a stone tossed into it. She could only guess at the tragedy as the catastrophe continued to unfold. A few seconds later, the Death Star fired again. And again, and again, at intervals scientifically calculated so that the seismic waves' harmonic resonance would eventually tear the planet apart. Leia watched Alderaan's destruction in silence, determined not to look away. Han Solo didn't even try to hide his amusement as he watched Luke practice using the gel-saber. The blue rod of gelatin wobbled precariously as the farm boy swung it around in jerky moves, trying to keep the blade between himself and the training remote. Then without warning the remote lunged quickly and shot off a cherry-flavored squirt at Luke's leg. He tried to block it with the gel-saber, but the general floppiness of the gelatin made it move a fraction of a second before the handle did, thus missing the squirt and adding to Luke's growing collection of stains. Han laughed. "Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good squirter at your side, kid." Luke frowned. "You don't believe in the Force, do you?" "Kid, I've flown from one side of this galaxy to the other. I've seen a lot of strange stuff, but I've never seen anything to make me believe there's one all-powerful force controlling everything. There's no mystical energy field that controls my destiny." He smirked at the gel-saber in Luke's hands. "And even if there was, there's nothing that can keep that from wobbling like a Hutt's gut. It's all a lot of simple tricks and nonsense." The old man merely smiled. "I suggest you try it again, Luke. This time, let go your conscious self and act on instinct." Ben was just a handful of seconds away from escape when Darth Vader stepped between him and the hangar. He had known this confrontation was inevitable the moment he'd felt the familiar presence, but it still hadn't prepared him for the feelings of guilt and regret his former apprentice stirred in him. His memory suddenly flashed back twenty-some years. Ben and Vader - no, back then they were still Obi-Wan and Anakin - had been sparring with their gel-sabers. What had started out as a routine exercise had degenerated into silliness as they released their Force hold on the blades, laughing as they pelted each other with colored gelatin. But that was then and this was now. A red gel-blade appeared in Vader's hand. It did not quiver at all, proof of the dark lord's iron will. Ben thumbed his gel-saber on. There was nothing else he could do. "I've been waiting for you, Obi-Wan," Vader said. "We meet again, at last. The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the learner; now I am the master." "Only a master of evil, Darth," Ben said. The feel he received through the Force was . . . mixed. He could feel Vader's anger, as well as pride and confidence. However, there was also a hint of sadness coupled with nostalgia. Ben's feelings were mixed as well. He knew what had to be done. However, the knowledge did not free him from the fear and nervousness that kept coming back to him. There is no emotion, there is peace, he told himself. There is no ignorance, there is knowledge. There is no passion, there is serenity. When at last he moved, he did it so quickly Vader was almost caught off guard. There was a flash of light when the two gel-sabers struck each other, as the telekinetic Force fields holding the blades in one piece clashed. The gel-saber was the symbol of a Jedi Knight, if only because no others could wield it properly. The handle was nothing more than a container for highly pressurized gelatin mix. The blade was made of a substance that could be taken apart with a finger. However, in the hands of a Jedi the gel-saber became a weapon to be taken seriously. Using the gelatinous blade as a focal point, the Jedi could project a surface of pure kinetic force that was harder, sharper, more resilient, and generally better than a metal blade. In the hands of a Jedi Master, there was nothing in the physical world that it could not cut. The only thing that could stop a gel-blade was either a force field or another gel-blade. Ben barely blocked Vader's returning slash. He countered the blow with several of his own, but each time it was blocked or parried with ease. Then Vader began to attack in earnest, using powerful strokes that sent shock waves rippling through Ben's blade. "Your powers are weak, old man," Vader said as their gel-sabers locked. Ben managed to smile. "You can't win, Darth. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine." Our of the corner of his eyes Ben saw Luke and the others run toward the Millennium Falcon. When they reached it, Luke looked back and exchanged glances with Ben. Go, Luke. Go on without me. A smile appeared on Ben's lips. He now knew for certain what he must do. As Vader's gel-saber slashed down one last time, Ben let go of the Force shielding his own gel-blade. It offered no resistance as the Sith lord's red blade sliced through it, and went on to cut Ben in two. There was a moment of pain. Then there was death. And then - There is no death, there is the Force. With the sure knowledge that he had done the right thing, Obi-Wan Kenobi became one with the Force. -----signature----- I would greatly appreciate any constructive criticism you can give me. Please feel free to PM me with your comments. . by the same author (click and scroll dowwwn): http://boards.theforce.net/m/b1/17609715/r17736763
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Phoenix_Reborn Registered: Feb '03	Date Posted: 2/19/05 10:19am Subject: RE: Jello Wars IV: A New Mix (ANH parody; Luke, Obi-Wan, Leia, Han, Vader)
	LMAO! -----signature----- Jello Knight Fightin'Texas Aggie class of '07 A-WHOOP! Token Canadian to the Sawpuppies of 203
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VaderLVR64 Title: Fan Fic Manager in Combat Boots Registered: Feb '04	Date Posted: 2/19/05 11:14am Subject: RE: Jello Wars IV: A New Mix (ANH parody; Luke, Obi-Wan, Leia, Han, Vader)
	Jello and Jedi Knights, what could go better together??? -----signature----- If you have to choose between tears and laughter, remember that laughter burns more calories. Proud New Army Mom - off to bootcamp!
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Geith_Jiseo Registered: Dec '04	Date Posted: 2/19/05 11:23am Subject: RE: Jello Wars IV: A New Mix (ANH parody; Luke, Obi-Wan, Leia, Han, Vader)
	This is hilarious! Great work, lazykbys! -----signature----- Respect my authoritah! Forever Home: A Luke/Callista Story http://boards.theforce.net/message.asp?topic=18660452&replies=0 Mara Wars (Humor) http://boards.theforce.net/The_Saga/b10476/17868966/?13
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lazykbys_left Registered: Feb '05	Date Posted: 2/19/05 4:40pm Subject: RE: Jello Wars IV: A New Mix (ANH parody; Luke, Obi-Wan, Leia, Han, Vader)
	Just a sec, I need to take my [face_deadpan] off. Phoenix_Reborn: LMAO! Geith_Jiseo: This is hilarious! Thank you! I was a bit worried that my sense of humor had gone crazy again. VaderLVR64: Jello and Jedi Knights, what could go better together??? Yes, I've been meaning to ask about that. What is this fixation you people have with gelatin? Thank you for reading! -----signature----- "You're like some kind of link machine." - rhonderoo It didn't stop being magic just because you found out how it was done. DARK SIDE FHTAGN lazykbys fanfic index (click and scroll dowwwn): http://boards.theforce.net/m/b1/17609715/r17736763
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Miana Kenobi Title: Pacific Region RSA NSWFF Manager Registered: Apr '00	Date Posted: 2/19/05 10:51pm Subject: RE: Jello Wars IV: A New Mix (ANH parody; Luke, Obi-Wan, Leia, Han, Vader)
	Jello..... OMG... Without knowing it, you hit an old JC joke about Jello Wars. Great job, though!!! -----signature----- You can't take the sky from me. He tini nga whetu e ngaro I te kapua iti. Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!
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LadyPadme Title: Manager Emeritus Registered: Sep '02	Date Posted: 2/20/05 8:22am Subject: RE: Jello Wars IV: A New Mix (ANH parody; Luke, Obi-Wan, Leia, Han, Vader)
	I never knew jello could be so destructive! One could only imagine the horror when it hit Alderaan... -----signature----- Crest MD Naimé Evil Twin of Gabri_Jade When a baby smiles the world is happy VOTE OBAMA '08
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lazykbys_left Registered: Feb '05	Date Posted: 2/21/05 7:24am Subject: RE: Jello Wars IV: A New Mix (ANH parody; Luke, Obi-Wan, Leia, Han, Vader) - Date Edited: 2/21/05 7:27am (1 edits total) Edited By: lazykbys_left
	Miana Kenobi: Without knowing it, you hit an old JC joke about Jello Wars. I did a search for "Jello Wars" and found this. . . . and now I have a plot bunny with its teeth firmly embedded in my ankle. LadyPadme: I never knew jello could be so destructive! One could only imagine the horror when it hit Alderaan... The idea is partially from Heinlein's The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress. Mass times acceleration equals force, which is just as deadly with a huge block of jello. Thanks for reading! -----signature----- "You're like some kind of link machine." - rhonderoo It didn't stop being magic just because you found out how it was done. DARK SIDE FHTAGN lazykbys fanfic index (click and scroll dowwwn): http://boards.theforce.net/m/b1/17609715/r17736763
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kyp_durron_fan_2009 Registered: Oct '04	Date Posted: 2/21/05 7:53pm Subject: RE: Jello Wars IV: A New Mix (ANH parody; Luke, Obi-Wan, Leia, Han, Vader)
	OMG! This was out there, but way kewl! You should do this with TESB! -----signature----- Currently Reading: Droids Omnibus and Night of the Wolves
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dm1 Registered: Jun '04	Date Posted: 2/21/05 8:07pm Subject: RE: Jello Wars IV: A New Mix (ANH parody; Luke, Obi-Wan, Leia, Han, Vader)
	Mass times acceleration equals force, which is just as deadly with a huge block of jello. Ahh, good old physics! My son just learned that one in school. Good story! -----signature----- Internet Mom to HSG! Hey, HSG, watch those explosives, be careful!!
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lazykbys_left Registered: Feb '05	Date Posted: 2/23/05 1:42am Subject: RE: Jello Wars IV: A New Mix (ANH parody; Luke, Obi-Wan, Leia, Han, Vader)
	kyp_durron_fan_2009: OMG! This was out there, but way kewl! You should do this with TESB! Wellll . . . The thing is, though, I did everything I wanted to do with the idea in this parody. All I have left to "translate" is a blaster fight and a space fight and now look what you've done, I've just been bitten by a plot bunny! dm1: Mass times acceleration equals force, which is just as deadly with a huge block of jello. Ahh, good old physics! My son just learned that one in school. I love Newtonian physics Thank you for reading! -----signature----- "You're like some kind of link machine." - rhonderoo It didn't stop being magic just because you found out how it was done. DARK SIDE FHTAGN lazykbys fanfic index (click and scroll dowwwn): http://boards.theforce.net/m/b1/17609715/r17736763
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JediFalcon Registered: Feb '02	Date Posted: 2/27/05 7:31pm Subject: RE: Jello Wars IV: A New Mix (ANH parody; Luke, Obi-Wan, Leia, Han, Vader)
	I vageuly remember hearing something about Jello Wars sequel? -----signature----- Rogue Three in FFC Rogue Wing, Ward rm #306 Council Member of the Lightside Master to Stridarious Crimson makes my heart go Master of BYS AHBY The Impeccably Patient Drugged-Out Lunatic of the Skies I wonder whats my purpose in life
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lazykbys_left Registered: Feb '05	Date Posted: 2/28/05 6:48am Subject: RE: Jello Wars IV: A New Mix (ANH parody; Luke, Obi-Wan, Leia, Han, Vader)
	A sequel? I'm working on it. However, while I have all sorts of ideas about the actual fic, I can't think of anything good for the title: Episode V: The Empire Gels Back . . . ugh. Someone get me a better title. -----signature----- "You're like some kind of link machine." - rhonderoo It didn't stop being magic just because you found out how it was done. DARK SIDE FHTAGN lazykbys fanfic index (click and scroll dowwwn): http://boards.theforce.net/m/b1/17609715/r17736763
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JediFalcon Registered: Feb '02	Date Posted: 2/28/05 3:49pm Subject: RE: Jello Wars IV: A New Mix (ANH parody; Luke, Obi-Wan, Leia, Han, Vader) - Date Edited: 2/28/05 5:56pm (1 edits total) Edited By: JediFalcon
	Episode V: The Empire Gels Back sweet revenge -----signature----- Rogue Three in FFC Rogue Wing, Ward rm #306 Council Member of the Lightside Master to Stridarious Crimson makes my heart go Master of BYS AHBY The Impeccably Patient Drugged-Out Lunatic of the Skies I wonder whats my purpose in life
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