Jedi Council Forums - Star Wars: The Princess Bride (humor, sort of crossover)

Locked Topic | Read Only Topic | Previous Active Topic | Next Active Topic

Author	Topic: Star Wars: The Princess Bride (humor, sort of crossover)
Azeria_Jade Title: Tipoca City Webmistress Vancouver BC CA Registered: Feb '01	Date Posted: 7/24/02 12:56pm Subject: Star Wars: The Princess Bride (humor, sort of crossover) - Date Edited: 7/24/02 12:57pm (1 edits total) Edited By: Azeria_Jade
	I did this a while ago and I thought I would put it here for fun, if someone reads it great! If not, oh well... Star Wars: The Princess Bride Meddled with by: Jay Leia was raised on a small farm in the country of Coruscant. Her favorite past-times were riding her horse and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His name was Han. But she never called him. Nothing gave Leia as much pleasure as ordering Han around. Leia: Farmboy, varnish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning. Han: As you Wish. 'As you wish' was all he ever said to her. Leia: [holding two empty pails] Farmboy, fill these with water....please? Han: As you wish. That day she was amazed to discover that when he was saying 'as you wish,' what he meant was, 'I love you.' And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back. Leia: Farmboy, fetch me that pitcher. Han: [taking the pitcher and whispering} As you wish.... Han had no money for marriage so he packed his few belonging sand left the farm to seek his fortune across the sea. It was a very emotional time for Leia. Leia: [crying] I'm afraid I'll never see you again... Han: Of course you will. Leia: But what if something happens to you? Han: Hear this now, I will always come for you. Leia: But how can you be sure? Han: This is true love. You think this happens every day? [They kiss and he leaves] Han didn't reach his destination. His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Boba Fett, who never left captives alive. When Leia got the news that Han was murdered, she went into her room and shut the door, and for days she neither slept nor ate. Leia: I will never love again. TBC... -----signature----- Star Wars Alternate Universe Fanfiction: Shroud of Darkness http://boards.theforce.net/Message.aspx?topic=26793660&brd=10476&replies=1 Spoiler free for Shadows of Mindor!
	Locked Topic \| Active Topic Notification \| Private Message \| Post History
zeekveerko Registered: Apr '02	Date Posted: 7/24/02 1:19pm Subject: RE: Star Wars: The Princess Bride (humor, sort of crossover)
	there was a round robin on this not too long ago, but the creator went on vacation, so it sank into oblivion. -----signature----- Take a seat young Skywalker. AHBY!
	Locked Topic \| Active Topic Notification \| Private Message \| Post History
Azeria_Jade Title: Tipoca City Webmistress Vancouver BC CA Registered: Feb '01	Date Posted: 7/28/02 6:51pm Subject: RE: Star Wars: The Princess Bride (humor, sort of crossover)
	Really? I didn't know that. Five years later the main square of Florin City was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the Great Prince Palpatine's bride to be. Palpatine: [Trumpets blaring] My people! A month from now, our country will have its 500th Anniversary. On that sundown I shall marry a lady who was once a commoner like yourselves. But perhaps you will not find her common now. Would you like to meet her?! Crowd: [echoing] Yes!!! Palpatine: My people, the Princess Leia! Leia's emptiness consumed her. Although the law of the land gave Palpatine the right to choose his bride, she did not love him. Despite Palpatine’s reassurance that she would grow to love him, the only joy she found was in her daily ride. [The scene fades to Leia riding her horse the next morning] [Enter Lando Calrissian, A Jedi, and a Wookiee] Lando: [halting Leia] A word my lady? ... We are but poor lost circus performers. Is there a village nearby? Leia: There is nothing nearby. Not for miles. Lando: Then there will be no one to hear you scream... [The Wookiee quickly grabs the princess by the neck, rendering her unconscious. They take the princess to their ship.] Jedi [Luke Skywalker]: What is that you're ripping? Lando: It's fabric from the uniform of any army officer of Guilder! Wookiee [Chewbacca]: Rargh raw grr? <Who is Guilder?> Lando: The country across the sea! The sworn enemy of Florin! [Lando attaches the cloth to Leia's horse] Lando: Go! Once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will make the prince suspect that the Guilderians have abducted his love. When he finds her body dead on the Guilder frontier his suspicions will be totally confirmed. Chewbacca: Rwrf Rawr grrow! <You never said anything about killing anyone?!> Lando: [angrily] I hired you to help me start a war. It's a prestigious line of work with a long and glorious tradition! Chewbacca: Growaf raorrf ruggrag... growl woof. <I just don't think it's right... killing an innocent girl.> Lando: Am I going mad, or did the word 'think? escape your lips?! You were not hired for your brains you space-slug land mass! And speak basic! Luke: [interrupting] I agree with Chewie. Lando: Oh, the sot has spoken! What happens to her is not truly your concern. I will kill her! And remember this, never forget this; [yelling] When I found you, you were so slobbering drunk, you couldn't buy brandy!!! [Turning to Chewbacca] And you! Friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless!! Do you want me to send you to where you were? Unemployed, in Kashyyyk!! [Lando walks away, angered, and sets the ship free] Luke: Lando, he can...fuss. Chewbacca: Fuss, fuss... I think he likes to scream at us. Luke: Probably he means no... harm. Chewbacca: He's very very short on... charm. Luke: You have a great gift for rhyme. Chewbacca: Yes, yes, some of the time. Lando: [overhearing Chewbacca] Enough of that! Luke: Chewbacca, are there rocks ahead? Chewbacca: If there are, we all be dead. Lando: No more rhymes now, I mean it! Chewbacca: Anybody want a peanut? Lando: Aauuuggghhhhh! -----signature----- Star Wars Alternate Universe Fanfiction: Shroud of Darkness http://boards.theforce.net/Message.aspx?topic=26793660&brd=10476&replies=1 Spoiler free for Shadows of Mindor!
	Locked Topic \| Active Topic Notification \| Private Message \| Post History
Sahiri Registered: May '02	Date Posted: 7/28/02 8:35pm Subject: RE: Star Wars: The Princess Bride (humor, sort of crossover)
	Amusing. I love that movie. ~Sahiri~ -----signature----- Don't know why I'm still afraid If you weren't real, I would make you up
	Locked Topic \| Active Topic Notification \| Private Message \| Post History
Scorsa Registered: Jun '02	Date Posted: 7/28/02 8:56pm Subject: RE: Star Wars: The Princess Bride (humor, sort of crossover)
	The creator went on vacation.... No I didn't, I'm right here! I've been here for a week...the round robin is still going... [sigh] and actually it was a trip for my team at school, six days of nothing but 8am to 9pm volleyball...it's been like that all summer... ANYWAY.... I'm right here!!!!! -----signature----- "Some people play tennis, I erode the human soul" -- Tycho, 'Penny Arcade' "Blow me. Not literally, though, unfortunately there's no promotion involved." -- Dignam, 'The Departed'
	Locked Topic \| Active Topic Notification \| Private Message \| Post History
Azeria_Jade Title: Tipoca City Webmistress Vancouver BC CA Registered: Feb '01	Date Posted: 7/28/02 9:26pm Subject: RE: Star Wars: The Princess Bride (humor, sort of crossover)
	[It is night-time, all three and the princess are still at sea.] Lando: We'll reach the cliffs by dawn. Why are you doing that? [directed at Luke who is staring behind] Luke: Making sure nobody is following us. Lando: That would be inconceivable. Leia: [jumps in] Despite what you think, you will be caught; and when you are, the prince will see you all hanged. Lando: Of all the necks on this boat, highness, the one you should be worrying about is your own... [pausing, then glancing at Luke] Stop doing that! We can all relax! It's almost over. Luke: Are you sure nobody is following us? Lando: As I told you it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways inconceivable! No one in Guilder knows what we've done, and no one in Coruscant could have gotten here so fast. [pauses] Out of curiosity, why do you ask? Luke: Suddenly, I just happened to look behind us and something is there. Lando: [in disbelief] What?! [now, spying a ship in the distance]...Probably some local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise at night through eel infested waters. [Leia jumps over the ship] Lando: What?! Go in! Go after her! Luke: [frankly] I don't swim. Chewbacca: [turning to Lando] I only Wookiee-paddle... Lando: Aauuuggghhhhh! [After composing himself, Lando starts to bark out commands.] Lando: Veer left! ...left! ...left! [suddenly, horrible screeching is heard] Do you know what that sound is, highness? Those are the shrieking eels! If you don't believe me, just wait. They always grow louder when they're about to feed on human flesh! If you swim back now I promise no harm will come to you...I doubt you'll get such an offer from the eels. [Chewbacca reaches out of the boat, hits the eel on the head, and pulls Leia back on Board] Lando: Put her down! Just put her down! Luke: [looking back at the other ship again] I think he's getting closer! Lando: He's no concern of ours! Sail on! [now, turning to Leia] I suppose you think you're brave, don't you? Leia: Only compared to some. -----signature----- Star Wars Alternate Universe Fanfiction: Shroud of Darkness http://boards.theforce.net/Message.aspx?topic=26793660&brd=10476&replies=1 Spoiler free for Shadows of Mindor!
	Locked Topic \| Active Topic Notification \| Private Message \| Post History
Azeria_Jade Title: Tipoca City Webmistress Vancouver BC CA Registered: Feb '01	Date Posted: 7/29/02 7:08pm Subject: RE: Star Wars: The Princess Bride (humor, sort of crossover)
	[Dawn, the next morning] Luke: Look! He is right on top of us! I wonder if he's using the same wind we are using? Lando: Whoever he is, he's too late! See! [pointing skyward] The Cliffs of Insanity! Hurry up! Move... the thing... and that other thing! Move it! [climbing out] Were safe, only Chewbacca is strong enough to go up our way. He'll have to sail around for hours 'till he finds a harbor. [Chewbacca, all three holding on to him, proceeds to climb a rope up the side of the cliff.] Luke: [in amazement] He's climbing the rope....and he's gaining on us. Lando: Inconceivable! Faster! Chewbacca: I thought I was going faster. Lando: You were supposed to be this colossus, you were this great legendary thing and yet he gains! Chewbacca: Well, I'm carrying three people, and he got only himself. Lando: I do not accept excuses! I'm just going to have to find myself a new Wookiee, that's all. Chewbacca: Don't say that, Lando, please? Lando: Did I make it clear that your job is at stake? [Finally, Chewbacca reaches the top. Lando quickly cuts through the rope with a dagger.] [All three peer over the edge of the cliff.] Chewbacca: He's got very good arms. Lando: He didn't fall! Inconceivable! Luke: [looking confused] You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means... [looking back down] By the Force... he's climbing. Lando: Whoever he is, he's obviously seen us with the princess and must therefore die. You [to Chewbacca] carry her. We'll [to Luke] head straight for the Guilder frontier. Catch up when he's dead. If he alls, fine; if not, the sword. Luke: I'm going to do him left-handed. Lando: You know what a hurry we're in! Luke: Well, it is the only way I can be satisfied. If I use my right, it's over too quickly. Lando: Oh have it your way. Chewbacca: [to Luke] You be careful. People in masks cannot be trusted. Lando: [impatiently] I'm waiting... [Luke unhooks his lightsaber, and practices a few steps. He then calls to the Man in Black] Luke: Hello there. Slow going? Man in black: Look, I don't mean to be rude but this is not as easy as it looks, so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me. Luke: [apologetic] Sorry. Man in black: Thank You. Luke: [pauses] I do not suppose you could speed things up? Man in black: If you're in such a hurry you could lower a rope or a tree branch or find something useful to do. Luke: I could do that. I still got some rope up here. But I do not think you would accept my help, since I am only waiting around to kill you. Man in black: That does put a damper on our relationship. Luke: ...but, I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top. Man in black: That's very comforting, but I'm afraid you'll just have to wait. Luke: I hate waiting. I could give you my word as a Jedi? Man in black: [struggling up the cliff side] No good. I've known too many Jedi. Luke: Is there another way you'll trust me? Man in black: Nothing comes to mind. Luke: I swear on the soul of my Father, Anakin Skywalker, you will reach the top alive. Man in black: Throw me the rope. [Luke throws the rope to the Man in black, and helps him to the top where there's a clearing] Man in black: [exhausted] Thank you. [He struggles to draw his lightsaber] Luke: Wait 'till you're ready. Man in black: Again, thank you. [He sits and removes a stone from his boot] Luke: I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand? Man in black: [revealing his five fingers] Do you always begin conversations this way? Luke: My father was slaughtered by a six fingered man. He was a great Jedi. The sx fingered man came to our home and demanded that my father join him. My father refused. Without a word, the six fingered man zapped him with terrible blue-lightning. I loved my father, so naturally I challenged this man to a duel. I failed... Six fingered man leave me alive, but he gave me this [a scar on his cheek] and this [another scar]. Man in black: How old were you? Luke: I was eleven years old. When I was strong enough, I dedicated my life to the study of fencing; so the next time we meet I will not fail. I will go up to the six fingered man and say 'Hello, my name is Luke Skywalker. You killed my father. Prepare to die.' Man in black: [intrigued] You've done nothing but lightsaber-play? Luke: More pursue more than study lately. You see, I cannot find him... it's been twenty years now and I'm starting to lose confidence. I just work for Lando to pay to bills. There's not a lot of money in revenge. [After a moments silence, the Man in black stands up and prepares to battle] Man in black: Well I....I certainly hope you find him someday. Luke: You all ready then? Man in black: Whether I am or not, you've been more than fair. Luke: [drawing his sword] You seem a decent fellow... I hate to kill you. Man in black: You seem a decent fellow... I hate to die. Luke: [confidently] Begin. [Slowly, a great battle ensues. Luketests the Man in black, and the Man in black tests Luke. They continue to battle on.] Luke: You are using Bonetties Defense against me, ah? Man in black: I thought it fitting considering the rocky terrain. Luke: Naturally, you must suspect me to attack with Capa Fero? Man in black: Naturally... but I find that Tibal cancels out Capa Fero. Don't you? Luke: Unless the enemy has studied his Agliepa...which I have. [They continue to exchange attacks and parries] Luke: You are wonderful! Man in black: Thank you. I've worked hard to become so. Luke: I admit it, you are better than I am. Man in black: Then why are you smiling? Luke: Because I know something you don't know. Man in black: And what is that? Luke: [switching hands] I am not left-handed! [Lukeswitches to his right hand, and appears to overwhelm the Man in black] Man in black: You're amazing! Luke: I ought to be after twenty years. Man in black: [struggling to keep Luke away] There's something I ought to tell you. Luke: Tell me! Man in black: I'm not left-handed either. [The Man in black switches to his right hand, and performs a few amazing feats] [They stop fencing for a brief moment] Luke: [in awe] Who are you? Man in black:No one of consequence. Luke: I must know. Man in black: Get used to disappointment. Luke: [disappointed] Okay... [The battle rages on again, this time, the Man in black is dominating] [The Man in black knocks the sword out of Luke's hand, and circles in behind him] Luke: [kneeling] Kill me quickly. Man in black: I would as soon destroy a stained glass window as an artist like yourself. However, since I can't have you following me either... [The Man in black hits Luke on the back of his head with the hilt of his sword, knocking him out.] Man in black: [sincerely] Please understand I hold you in the highest respect. [The man in black runs off to find Lando. Lando spies the man in black from atop a huge hill.] Lando: Inconceivable!! Give her to me! [taking Leia] Catch up with us quickly! Chewbacca: What do I do? Lando: Finish him! Finish him...your way... Chewbacca: Oh good. My way. Thank you Lando. Which way's my way? Lando: [irritated] Pick up one of those rocks, get behind a boulder, and in a few minutes the man in black will come running around the bend. The minute his HEAD is in view hit it with the rock! Chewbacca: [to himself] My way is not very sportsman-like. [The man in black proceeds up the hill, and is met by a rock crashing against a] [Boulder right next to him.] Chewbacca: I did that on purpose. I didn't have to miss. Man in black: I believe you. [pauses] So what happens now? Chewbacca: We face each other as god intended; sportsman-like...no tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone. Man in black: You mean, you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword and we'll try and kill each other like civilized people? Chewbacca: [holding up a large rock] I could kill you now? Man in black: Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand fighting. Chewbacca:It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don't even exercise. [The Man in black charges Chewbacca, but cannot knock him down] Man in black: [agitated] Look, are you just fiddling around with me or what? Chewbacca: I just want you to feel you are doing well. I hate for people to die embarrassed. [Chewbacca grasps at him, but misses] You're quick! Man in black: Good thing too. Chewbacca: [swinging at the man in black] Why are you wearing a mask? Were you burned by acid or something like that? Man in black: Oh no, it's just they're terribly comfortable. I think everyone will be wearing them in the future. [The man in black manages to jump onto Chewbacca's back, and tries to choke him. Chewbacca pushes his back against a boulder, almost knocking the wind out of the man in black] Chewbacca: I just feared you would give me so much trouble. Man in black: Why is that, do you think? Chewbacca: Well, I haven't fought just one person for so long...[struggles more with the man in black]... I've been specializing in groups, fighting gangs for local charities...t hat kind of thing. Man in black: Why should that make such a [crash! pause] difference? Chewbacca: [slowing down] You see, you use different moves when your fighting half a dozen people, then when you only have to worry about one. [Chewbacca falls to the ground, unconscious. The man in black checks to see if he] [Is still alive.] Man in black: I do not envy you the headache you will have when you awake. But in the meantime, rest well and dream of large women. -----signature----- Star Wars Alternate Universe Fanfiction: Shroud of Darkness http://boards.theforce.net/Message.aspx?topic=26793660&brd=10476&replies=1 Spoiler free for Shadows of Mindor!
	Locked Topic \| Active Topic Notification \| Private Message \| Post History