| Author |
Topic:
A Qui-Gon on Your Couch -- one shot humor -- thanks for the noms!
|
ardavenport
Registered:
Dec '04
|
Date Posted:
9/23/06 6:10pm
Subject:
A Qui-Gon on Your Couch -- one shot humor -- thanks for the noms!
- Date Edited:
7/16/07 5:14pm (13 edits total)
Edited By:
ardavenport
|
Title: A Qui-Gon on Your Couch
Author: ardavenport (aka Anne Davenport)
Timeframe: pre-Episode I, pre-TPM, AU,
Genre: humor, mindless fluff
Characters: Qui-Gon Jinn
Keywords Qui-Gon Jinn, Jedi, Star Wars
Summary: Get your very own Jedi. Instructions not included.
Disclaimer: All characters belong to George and Lucasfilm; I’m just playing in their sandbox
oo____________________________________oo
==============================
So, the first thing you want to do to live out your Star Wars fantasy is...
...get a Qui-Gon Jinn.
Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. But it’s not that hard. A little weird science. A few extra dimensions. And BANG!! You’ve got yourself a Qui-Gon. Delivered right to your living room.
You can get anything on ebay.
My credit card is howling, but it’s worth it. Really.
oo____________________________________oo
==============================
OK. There are a few things that I should have thought of...
First, he wasn’t really planning on a stay at my place. He’s got missions and stuff to do. And he wanted Obi-Wan.
I thought about it, but getting the two of them would have been way, waaaaaay too expensive. And my place has only one bedroom, and while this is a Star Wars fantasy, there’s just no way it could work with both. I had to pick one.
He was upset. I totally understand that and I tried to be supportive. No, I just tried to get out of the way. He was pretty shocked when he looked outside, but he didn’t go running out in the street or anything. I was really afraid he’d get away. He did go into the backyard, but none of the neighbors saw him. It was night and he looked up at the stars and the moon for a bit, but you can’t really see much in the city.
He nailed me when he came back inside.
I forgot to take the action figures off the bookshelf.
That was my bad.
I pretty much had to give him the whole story about the Star Wars movies a LOT sooner than I had wanted to. Well, I was thinking about skipping that if I could, but that option was pretty much gone. He can be really intimidating. He’s pretty big.
He didn’t get it at first. I mean, it was like explaining science fiction to my parents. But, I guess he finally got the part about being in a different world.
Of course, he wanted to know how he got here, and how he could get back, but I managed to dodge that one by saying that I had no idea how it happened. He got that calm look on his face and waved his hand in front of me. I swear I felt something, but it didn’t work!
Hah! Not so weak-minded, am I, Mr. Jedi?!
He looked a little embarrassed, like he’d just farted or something, and he stopped asking.
He said something about the Force flowing differently in this place.
oo____________________________________oo
==============================
Now, I had made some plans. I did arrange to have the week off from work for this. So, I could spend all my time with Qui-Gon. I found out a lot, just the first night.
Qui-Gon Jinn can eat anything. Really. Pizza, donuts, soup, diet drinks, carrots, peanut butter and relish sandwiches on pumpernickel bread. Anything. I guess he has to eat a lot of weird things all the time in the GFFA, so my fridge was no challenge to him.
And he likes cats!
I was so happy, I could have purred myself.
Ten minutes later, I had a Jedi Knight covered with cat hair. Of course, Binky, the white persian, had to go for the dark, brown robe and Toottles, the gray tortoise-shell, was all over his lap. Cat hair magnet! Ack!
But then he gets up and wipes it all off. Really. None of it stuck. He just brushed it all off with his hand into a fluff ball and it went into the trash. GFFA clothes. Wow.
It was getting late and I, um, suggested we go to bed. He though that was fine until I said that I only had one bedroom and he could share my bed with me if he wanted. It was pretty lame and stupid, and he said no. I guess it could have gone a lot worse. He wasn’t offended or anything. He didn’t glare or sneer or anything. Just said no, like he’s been asked before and he’s said no before.
That was a let down.
Yeah, my bad.
I gave him sheets and blankets and pillows and he took the couch.
The cats slept with Qui-Gon.
oo____________________________________oo
==============================
He gets up early. I was hoping not, but he was up with the sun.
He destroyed a lamp. With his lightsaber.
He looked pretty embarrassed about it and I could smell ozone on the pieces. He said that the Force flowed differently in this place again and he wasn’t used to it. I told him not to use it in the house. Or the yard, so the neighbors wouldn’t see. He offered to compensate me, but a Curoscant credit card doesn’t work here. I blew it off. He looks so cute with that guilty look on his face.
First order the day is that Qui-Gon needs regular clothes.
I didn’t think ahead about this, but it’s not really fair to keep him inside all the time and he can’t go out looking like a Jedi. I had to return things to Target twice because I didn’t get the sizes right. I got him boxers. He didn’t complain.
But in sweatshirt and jeans, with his long hair and beard, he looked like a hippy. Especially wearing flip-flops because I knew I’d never be able to guess his shoe size. It was a bit of a let down.
Except that I did get to see him with his shirt off. THAT made this whole thing worth it. Jedi are BUFF. Yum.
But, y’know, I chickened out on seeing more. He just started taking things off in the living room and I flinched with he got to the pants. I was too embarrassed, because I knew I’d stare and then what would I say to him? He has nice legs. I would have gotten him shorts, if I’d thought about it, but it’s a little cold outside for those, anyway.
oo____________________________________oo
==============================
So, one thing I didn’t plan for is this...
Y’know what the biggest problem with having a Qui-Gon Jinn is?
He looks just like Liam Neeson.
You don’t think about it at all until a few people on the street start staring. And then someone jumps and call him “Mr. Neeson.” Fortunately, he has no idea what they’re talking about, so he’s pretty convincing when he says his name is John Wynn (I told him to use that since no one would believe Qui-Gon). But people don’t look convinced as they walk away, because he still sounds British. It doesn’t matter that Liam Neeson is Irish, either. His voice still sounds like Liam Neeson.
He doesn’t really understand the problem until I rent Schindler’s List and Batman Begins from Blockbuster.
At least he can still go out in the yard.
oo____________________________________oo
==============================
Qui-Gon Jinn picks things up really fast.
And he remembers everything. He learns our letters and how to sound out words from the captioning on the movies. So, it takes him just two videos to learn how to read. Does everyone in the GFFA have a photographic memory?
This is good when you don’t have to explain the bathroom to him. And it’s nice when showing him how to work the microwave or the dishwasher or the washing machine. You just show him something once and he gets it.
This is not so good when you have to go out to drop something off with your sister and you come back finding the end credits of The Phantom Menace playing on the DVD. And he’s got a really serious expression on his face, but won’t talk about it. And you know he’s just watched the fight with Maul. He says he’d like to look at the other movies, too, but for the first time in my life, I don’t want to see them. At least not with him. And would I be altering the space-time continuum in the GFFA or something by letting him know what’s supposed to happen? Like who Sidious is?
Well, that cat’s out of bag now.
And it’s downright scary when you think about what he could be doing on the internet when you have to go out because you were stupid enough to tell people that you had the week off but were still in town. It’s just me on the computer, so I don’t even know how to set passwords for the machine and they don’t make parental controls for Star Wars characters.
He’s nice. But after a few days, after he’s seen the movies and he stops asking about “this world” because he’s seen it on TV---and apparently TV on Coruscant is MUCH worse, with 1000 times more channels, than what we get---you don’t have much to say, except talk about the weather and the cats.
After the first thrill...or maybe the second or third...when you really get down to it...
...what you’ve got is just a big guy sleeping on your couch.
oo____________________________________oo
==============================
So, I get back from helping my sister move things out of her basement (why does she have to do that now???) and the living room reeks of ozone. I know he’s been using his lightsaber (he’s been sleeping with it between the cushions of the couch, too). But the lamps are all fine and I don’t see anything burning or smoking, but Qui-Gon has got a look on his face that’s just like Binky when she’s been on the counters when she thinks I couldn’t hear her.
He says he’s adjusted to how the Force flows in “this world” now.
That’s kind of cool, that the Force flows in my place.
And he’s dressed like a Jedi again, which is so much better than the aging hippy look.
And he says he’s been on ebay. That’s really nice, too.
So, we get online, and my Mastercard is pretty much maxed out, but the Visa will still work....
I hold the cats, to keep them from getting in the way, and he says good-bye to them....that’s sooooooo sweet!....a little more weird science and...a few more extra dimensions. And BANG!!
No more Jedi.
oo____________________________________oo
==============================
OK, I guess Qui-Gon Jinn was a little smarter than I thought he’d be. And I have this massive credit card bill to pay off, so I’m not getting him back anytime soon. But....
...at least he left his robe behind. <sigh> 
END
-----signature-----
Links to all fics -- http://boards.theforce.net/Message.aspx?topic=25405090&brd=10304&start=26223917 The Heart of the Jedi -- http://boards.theforce.net/b/b1/26013327 ---- Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, JA and everything you wanted to know about lightsabers
|
Locked Topic |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
dianethx
Registered:
Mar '02
|
Date Posted:
9/23/06 6:42pm
Subject:
RE: A Qui-Gon on Your Couch -- one shot humor
|
This was hilarious. I could just picture Qui-Gon using his lightsaber in the living room and looking all guilty but that wasn't going to stop him. Love that you got his robe in the end. The one bed - LOL.
Great job. I'm still laughing.
-----signature-----
|
Locked Topic |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
Layren
Registered:
Oct '03
|
Date Posted:
9/23/06 7:09pm
Subject:
RE: A Qui-Gon on Your Couch -- one shot humor
- Date Edited:
9/23/06 7:26pm (1 edits total)
Edited By:
Layren
|
Absolutely priceless!! How many times have we likely fantasized about something of this nature? 
Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. But it’s not that hard. A little weird science. A few extra dimensions. And BANG!! You’ve got yourself a Qui-Gon. Delivered right to your living room.
You can get anything on ebay.
My credit card is howling, but it’s worth it. Really.
If I had the money you'd bet I'd purchase him  wonderful work!
Edit -- Makes me wonder if he remembers any of it when he gets back home
-----signature-----
|
Locked Topic |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
Silfion
Registered:
Jul '05
|
Date Posted:
9/23/06 8:30pm
Subject:
RE: A Qui-Gon on Your Couch -- one shot humor
|
This was so good!
ardavenport posted:
So, one thing I didn’t plan for is this...
Y’know what the biggest problem with having a Qui-Gon Jinn is?
He looks just like Liam Neeson.
Loved that part! Good thing I'm alone in my house, I laughed so hard with this.
Good work!
(wonder If I can get Obi-Wan from E-bay...  )
-----signature-----
"It's only with the heart
that one can see rightly;
what is essential
is invisible to the eye." ~The little prince~
|
Locked Topic |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
Alexis_Wingstar
Registered:
Sep '06
|
Date Posted:
9/23/06 9:42pm
Subject:
RE: A Qui-Gon on Your Couch -- one shot humor
|
ardavenport posted:
Of course, he wanted to know how he got here, and how he could get back, but I managed to dodge that one by saying that I had no idea how it happened. He got that calm look on his face and waved his hand in front of me. I swear I felt something, but it didn’t work!
Hah! Not so weak-minded, am I, Mr. Jedi?!
He looked a little embarrassed, like he’d just farted or something, and he stopped asking.
He said something about the Force flowing differently in this place.
I almost fell out of my seat laughing during the whole thing, but I just loved this part.
-----signature-----
"Change. It can be good. It can be bad. It can be expected or come as a thief in the night. Invited or not, it always comes."
~Koria
"Tender Shadows", co-written w/ The Musical Jedi
Padawan to DarthIshtar
NaNoWriMo participant 2nd year in a row.
|
Locked Topic |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
Princess_Arulmozhi
Registered:
Nov '04
|
Date Posted:
9/23/06 9:57pm
Subject:
RE: A Qui-Gon on Your Couch -- one shot humor
|
That was simply wonderful. Imagine the wierd and wonderful things you can get with Qui-Gon waving lightsabres in the living room. And breaking things. And watching TPM.  Then again, it's just a big guy sleeping on the couch. And peeple thinking it's Liam Neeson.
Laugh riot, Anne. Great work!
-----signature-----
Perceptions (Xanatos/Obi/Qui/Anakin) AU:http://boards.theforce.net/the_saga/b10476/25276178/p1/?7 - *vignette* Stones (Li'l Obi/Qui) - http://boards.theforce.net/before_the_saga/b10475/23371821/p1/ Best Author, WFFA (BtS) 05/06 Lore-Master to 7
|
Locked Topic |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
Healer_Leona
Registered:
Jul '00
|
Date Posted:
9/24/06 8:23am
Subject:
RE: A Qui-Gon on Your Couch -- one shot humor
|
Well, the title drew me in, though couch would not be first choice.
He looked a little embarrassed, like he’d just farted or something, and he stopped asking.
So glad I wasn't drinking at that point.
Layren's so right about probably all of us fantasizing about having Qui-Gon in our lives. LOL
That was truly inspired and deightful and hilarious!! 
-----signature-----
Still crazy after all these years.
|
Locked Topic |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
Star-Foozle
Registered:
Aug '06
|
Date Posted:
9/24/06 4:11pm
Subject:
RE: A Qui-Gon on Your Couch -- one shot humor
|
This was great! I always wondered what would happen if a Jedi somehow found their way to Earth, and now we know...they'd destroy household appliances with their lightsaber and threaten to cause tears in the space-time continuum by watching their own story on television!
Of course, that still wouldn't deter me from trying to purchase a Qui-gon of my very own. You really can find anything on eBay...
Excellent job, ardavenport. This story certainly brightened up my day. Keep up the good work!
-----signature-----
Can't save the world without caffeine.  Proud Padawan of Charmisjess! My fics are in my profile.  Midnight is where the day begins.
|
Locked Topic |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
Ara-gon
Registered:
Dec '05
|
Date Posted:
9/24/06 4:22pm
Subject:
RE: A Qui-Gon on Your Couch -- one shot humor
|
The whole thing is so hysterical. But if cat hair doesn't stick, I really, really want some of the GFFA fabric. If you ever order him again, would you have him bring a couple of bolts with him, please?
::whistles nonchalantly:: It might be humorous to tell this funny little story from his POV, too, Anne.
Thanks for sharing.
-----signature-----
|
Locked Topic |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
Kestrel_Kenobi
Registered:
Sep '05
|
Date Posted:
9/24/06 4:57pm
Subject:
RE: A Qui-Gon on Your Couch -- one shot humor
|
Oh my! ...
But in sweatshirt and jeans, he looked like a hippy. Especially wearing flip-flops because I knew I’d never be able to guess his shoe size. It was a bit of a let down.
rofl...wonderful ardavenport...loved it!
*wanders off still giggling*
-----signature-----
I had a baby girl! July '08! Proud Padawan to the elusive Jennifer_Lyn! Together again... http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0443701/
|
Locked Topic |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
JadeSolo
Title: NSF managing NSWFF
Registered:
Sep '02
|
Date Posted:
9/24/06 5:25pm
Subject:
RE: A Qui-Gon on Your Couch -- one shot humor
|
LMAO! I loved this! The title alone inspired all sorts of bad thoughts.
He didn’t get it at first. I mean, it was like explaining science fiction to my parents.
That one got me the most. I've tried, it's hard!
-----signature-----
"If you expect a kick in the balls and you get a slap in the face, it's a victory."
"May God bless you and keep you always...I mean that in a civic deist way." -Prof. Siegel
"No guaranteed money, but all guaranteed fun!"
|
Locked Topic |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
ardavenport
Registered:
Dec '04
|
Date Posted:
9/29/06 11:43pm
Subject:
RE: A Qui-Gon on Your Couch -- one shot humor
|
dianethx: Glad you liked it! Poor Qui-Gon would be quite embarrassed if had any accidents with his lightsaber because his Force-sense was thrown off. But he’s adaptable. And of course, he had to leave the robe. Gotta love those wooly Jedi robes.
Layren: Aaaaah, fantasize about something like that perhaps, but Qui-Gon has his own ideas about what he wants to do.  And he’s terribly expensive. I’m sure he’d remember it all, but that would be just another AU. Thanks for reading!
Silfion: Thanks for the reply! Yes, looking just like Liam Neeson can be a funny problem for Qui-Gon.
Alexis_Wingstar: Thanks! Poor Qui-Gon just isn’t used to having his Jedi mind trick not working. 
Princess_Arulmozhi: Yes, Qui-Gon can be tough on the furniture. And you can’t take him anywhere without attracting attention. But he’s adaptable, and he doesn’t mind sleeping on the couch. Glad you liked it!
Healer_Leona: Thank you! A Qui-Gon could certainly make one’s life interesting.
Star-Foozle: Thanks! Aaaaah, if only we could find that parallel universe connection on ebay... 
Ara-gon: Thanks for reading! I would love to have a bolt of that Jedi fabric myself. Not only does it appear to be comfortable in all weather, it goes from soaking wet to perfectly dry in minutes. Repelling cat hair should be no problem. I hadn’t thought about doing Qui-Gon’s POV. It could be amusing, but I think I’ll leave that bunny alone for now.
Kestrel_Kenobi: Thanks! Yes, in normal clothes, Qui-Gon wouldn’t look nearly so Knightly.
JadeSolo: Yes, with Qui-Gon on the couch, all sorts of naughty thoughts could happen. And it would take a lot to explain SW to Qui-Gon. The GFFA would be his version of mundane, so he’d never think of it as part of a fiction. Thanks for the reply!
-----signature-----
Links to all fics -- http://boards.theforce.net/Message.aspx?topic=25405090&brd=10304&start=26223917 The Heart of the Jedi -- http://boards.theforce.net/b/b1/26013327 ---- Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, JA and everything you wanted to know about lightsabers
|
Locked Topic |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
VaderLVR64
Title: Fan Fic Manager in Combat Boots
Registered:
Feb '04
|
Date Posted:
10/8/06 7:51am
Subject:
RE: A Qui-Gon on Your Couch -- one shot humor
|
How did I miss this?? 
Qui-Gon Jinn picks things up really fast.
And he remembers everything. He learns our letters and how to sound out words from the captioning on the movies. So, it takes him just two videos to learn how to read. Does everyone in the GFFA have a photographic memory?
This is good when you don’t have to explain the bathroom to him. And it’s nice when showing him how to work the microwave or the dishwasher or the washing machine. You just show him something once and he gets it.
This is not so good when you have to go out to drop something off with your sister and you come back finding the end credits of The Phantom Menace playing on the DVD. And he’s got a really serious expression on his face, but won’t talk about it. And you know he’s just watched the fight with Maul. He says he’d like to look at the other movies, too, but for the first time in my life, I don’t want to see them. At least not with him. And would I be altering the space-time continuum in the GFFA or something by letting him know what’s supposed to happen? Like who Sidious is?
Well, that cat’s out of bag now.
Absolutely hilarious!
-----signature-----
If you have to choose between tears and laughter, remember that laughter burns more calories.
Proud New Army Mom - off to bootcamp!
|
Locked Topic |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
NYCitygurl
Title: Railroad Baroness of SFFBC, C&G, and NSWFF
Registered:
Jul '02
|
Date Posted:
10/11/06 5:33am
Subject:
RE: A Qui-Gon on Your Couch -- one shot humor
|
|
That was great!!! I love the humor. This was a really interesting idea, and you pulled it off very well. Great job!!!
-----signature-----
"We Earth Men have a talent for ruining big, beautiful things." ~ Master of padawanlost, Ultima_1 and Jedimaster_JainaSolo
|
Locked Topic |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
hyperspace_police
Title: FanForce CR
Arkansas US
Registered:
Jun '05
|
Date Posted:
10/11/06 7:56am
Subject:
RE: A Qui-Gon on Your Couch -- one shot humor
|
anne posted:
He looked a little embarrassed, like he’d just farted or something, and he stopped asking.
He said something about the Force flowing differently in this place.
Now I'm laughing out loud in the library...people are staring...
Great. Hilarious.
And I thouhgt the story from where you joined the Assemlby was funny.
-----signature-----
Proud member of the "Cade Brigade" (Obi, please forgive me)
Stories in bio
We managed it with the power of "assless chaps"... Oh yes... that one is a direct quote from myself...
|
Locked Topic |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
KELIA
Title: Moderator: Fan Fiction
Registered:
Jul '05
|
Date Posted:
10/11/06 12:33pm
Subject:
RE: A Qui-Gon on Your Couch -- one shot humor
|
That was hilarious!!
this was a very clever, creative idea and you did an amazing job with it.
Loved it!!
-----signature-----
|
Locked Topic |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
