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Topic:
FIC: Understanding (JA) *Epilogue posted 4/10/03*
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Obi the Kid
Registered:
Apr '00
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Date Posted:
4/4/03 8:54am
Subject:
FIC: Understanding (JA) *Epilogue posted 4/10/03*
- Date Edited:
4/10/03 5:17am (7 edits total)
Edited By:
Obi the Kid
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As you can read in the NOTE section under my disclaimer, this is a very personal story for me. One that I have written during the past week, and involving a situation that's been going on for a month now. It's not the first time for this situation, and I know that it won't be the last. For personal reasons, this story will be posted in very few places. I hope to post once a day until the story is complete. Thanks!
Obi
*****************************
TITLE: Understanding
AUTHOR: Obi the Kid (hlnkid@aol.com)
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: Pre-TPM. Non-Slash. Obi-Wan tries to understand a close friend’s battle with depression. (Obi-Wan is 16. Taj is 18.)
ARCHIVE: This story is not available for archiving.
FEEDBACK: Always appreciated.
MY WEBSITE: http://www.angelfire.com/movies/obithekid/
DISCLAIMER: The characters and venue of Star Wars are copyrighted to Lucas Films Limited. The characters not recognizable from this venue are copyrighted to Tracy C. Knight. The story is the intellectual property of Tracy C. Knight and is copyrighted to her. She makes no profit from the writing or distribution of this story.
NOTE: This is in many ways, a true story. For all intensive purposes here, Obi-Wan is me. Writing has always been a good release. It allows a person to get out all those pent up feelings and emotions that you just can’t share with others. I by no means an expert on Depression. But from conversations with my friend about what they battle with every day, and in knowing my own feelings when I am in the position that Obi-Wan is put into in this story…this is how it’s come out. Just knowing this person for the few years that I have, has given me a much greater understanding and respect for those who struggle with Depression. But as Obi-Wan finds out in this story…he is still learning. As am I.
===============
Understanding
===============
“Master, have you ever had a time when someone who you thought was your friend just stopped talking to you?”
“No, not that I recall.”
Qui-Gon Jinn approached his apprentice who was lounging in a large chair. The boy stared thoughtfully out the window of their apartment. The master sensed a certain sadness in the air.
“Oh.”
That abbreviated answer, combined with the solemn mood immediately alerted Qui-Gon that all was not well with his apprentice at the moment.
“What’s wrong, Padawan?”
“Taj won’t talk to me.” He suddenly blurted out. “I’ve tried everything. I’ve sent him comm messages. I sent notes through my data pad. I even tried to talk to Master Jerra when I saw him in the dining hall yesterday, but he left before I could get to him. I can’t get him to answer any of my messages.”
“When’s the last time you spoke with him?”
“Over a week ago. We had lunch together and that was it. Nothing since. I don’t know what happened between us. Did I do something to hurt him? Say something wrong? I don’t understand why he won’t talk to me.” He finished the thought in an exasperated rush.
“Could he be sick? Did he seem ill when you saw him last?”
Obi-Wan shrugged. “Maybe he looked a little tired. But he didn’t say anything was wrong. And he’s been sick before and he’s never completely ignored me like this. If he’s sick, why can’t he just send me a message and say that? Why does he have to do this? It’s almost as if I don’t exist anymore. Like I don’t matter in his life. I thought we were friends. That he could talk to me about anything. Master…” Emotion filled the young voice and he had to stop himself before he lost further control.
Moving behind the chair, Qui-Gon placed his hands on the boy’s shoulders and massaged them gently. “Relax, Obi-Wan. You’re getting yourself all worked up over this. You and Taj have been close friends for a long time now. I am sure there is some reason behind his actions.” Qui-Gon then remembered that he would see Taj’s master in a few hours. Perhaps he could take a few moments and talk to his old friend. “I have a meeting with the council this evening with several other masters. Jerra is among them. Would you like me to ask him about Taj?”
A hopeful look crossed Obi-Wan’s face as he turned his head to where Qui-Gon was still standing behind him. “Would you, Master? I’m worried about him. And about our friendship. I don’t want to lose Taj as a friend. But I don’t know what else to do.”
“Let me see what I can find out, okay?”
“Thank you, Master.”
At once Qui-Gon felt some of the tension in the slight shoulders lessen. “You need to find something to refocus yourself, Obi-Wan. You’re letting this consume you right now. I can feel it.”
“I’m sorry, Master. I know I shouldn’t let it bother me as it has. Maybe I should meditate.”
“Good idea. I will meditate with you. I have a feeling it might help you to settle easier if you have company.”
“Thank you, Master,” he whispered before moving to the balcony and kneeling to a position that was most comfortable for him. Qui-Gon sat nearby and together they withdrew from their worries and became absorbed into the comfort of the Force.
~*~
The meeting adjourned from the council chambers, Qui-Gon stepped up his pace to catch Jerra before the other master got to far down the hall. He seemed in a hurry.
“Jerra!”
Jedi Master Jerra Derson, tall and slim with his medium length ginger hair pulled back into a single braid, stopped at the sound of the familiar voice and spun around to see Qui-Gon coming towards him.
“Qui-Gon,” he said as he offered his hand. “I thought I saw you standing near the back wall in there. I didn’t realize there were so many Jedi attending this evening. But it’s good to see you. How are you and Obi-Wan?”
“We’re both well. Busy though. The council enjoys exhausting us with these back to back to back missions. It’s been nice to remain on Coruscant for the past couple weeks. How have you been?”
“Things are okay. Difficult lately, but soon to improve.”
“And Taj? Is he well?”
Jerra took a deep breath. Now he knew the real reason for Qui-Gon’s visit. The emerald green eyes blinked in understanding. He’d intercepted many of his Kenobi’s messages to his padawan in the past week. It was only a matter of time before he was to be questioned about Taj. “Obi-Wan asked you to speak with me, didn’t he?”
“Yes. I’m sorry. He did. We don’t mean to intrude on anything, Jerra. But Obi-Wan is worried. Taj hasn’t spoken to him in a while. He’s concerned that he may have said or done something that perhaps pushed Taj away.”
“It’s…” he paused to consider the public area they were in, then took Qui-Gon’s arm and directed him to the end of the hall and into a quiet meditation room. He took a quick look around and was satisfied that they were alone. “I promised Taj that I wouldn’t talk about his…issues with anyone.”
“I’m sorry, Jerra. If it’s something personal, then maybe it’s best if I don’t know. I don’t want to intrude.”
The older master studied his friend for a moment. He trusted Qui-Gon. Trusted him more than anyone he’d ever known. And in a way, it would help his own mindset if he did have a friend who knew what he’d been holding back for so long now. A flash of confidence from the Force and Jerra had made his decision.
“It’s nothing Obi-Wan has done. Please let him know that.” He stopped for a moment to get reassurance once more from the Force that this was the right thing to do. Then he continued. “Taj…suffers from depression.”
“Oh,” was the only response Qui-Gon could manage at the unexpected news.
******
tbc...
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Arwen-Jade_Kenobi
Registered:
Feb '02
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Date Posted:
4/4/03 11:00am
Subject:
RE: FIC: Understanding (JA) *NEW 4/4/03*
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Great post! I can't wait to see where this goes, I haven't seen this type of story before so I hope that things turn out well for them
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Retired Council Master of the Lightside It's all about the blues, baby  "Love can ignite the stars." - ROTS novel I'm a Trekkie: Deal with it, or suffer the wrath of Khan This user is certifiably insane 
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Ginger_Jedi
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Jun '01
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Date Posted:
4/4/03 11:18am
Subject:
RE: FIC: Understanding (JA) *NEW 4/4/03*
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Good start Obi and depression in a friend is something I can relate to - a friend of mine has been very depressed lately and it was hard on everyone.
I really look forward to seeing how this story developes  It's a good start and coming from you, I know it'll be wicked from start to finish.
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Obi the Kid
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Apr '00
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Date Posted:
4/4/03 11:22am
Subject:
RE: FIC: Understanding (JA) *NEW 4/4/03*
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Thanks Arwen and Ginger for reading and for your comments. This is a close as I could get to non-fiction without actually revealing names, etc. So, I hope others can relate as well. I just finished writing a short epilogue to this story that is told in an Obi POV. If all goes well, that will post once this entire story has posted.
Thanks!
Obi
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Padawan_Jess_Kenobi
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Nov '02
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Date Posted:
4/4/03 12:28pm
Subject:
RE: FIC: Understanding (JA) *NEW 4/4/03*
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Great job so far! I can also relate, as one of my friends has been very depressed lately too, and it affects us all. I love how you played Obi-Wan's emotions, and this is quite the different storyline. Keep up the wonderful job.
Oh and Obi the Kid? I hope everything turnes out for the best for you.
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Obi-Wan, Ewan Fan Club 
Mandalorian 6 Major TPM DF
"You can always trust a dishonest man to be dishonest, honestly it's the honest ones you need to watch out for because you never know when they'll do something incredibly stupid" Captain Jack Sparrow
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Obi the Kid
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Date Posted:
4/4/03 1:39pm
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RE: FIC: Understanding (JA) *NEW 4/4/03*
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Thanks so much Jess! Just what I needed today..encouraging words!
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KrystalBlaze
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Aug '02
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Date Posted:
4/4/03 4:30pm
Subject:
RE: FIC: Understanding (JA) *NEW 4/4/03*
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A nice story there, Obi, since I've been through depression before. I hope everything turns out okay for you. A good start. You've got a way with words.
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Obi the Kid
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Date Posted:
4/4/03 5:22pm
Subject:
RE: FIC: Understanding (JA) *NEW 4/4/03*
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Thanks Krystal! You guys are making me feel much better today.
Next post should be up tomorrow morning sometime.
Obi
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TheSwedishJedi
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Sep '01
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Date Posted:
4/4/03 5:30pm
Subject:
RE: FIC: Understanding (JA) *NEW 4/4/03*
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Looks interesting, Obi. Hits a little close to home here too. Hope everything is working out for you. Can't wair for the next piece.
~Swede
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White shores are calling, You and I will meet again,
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Obi the Kid
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Date Posted:
4/4/03 5:55pm
Subject:
RE: FIC: Understanding (JA) *NEW 4/4/03*
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Thanks, Swede. You know you go thru something like this, and it makes you feel like you are the only one..but then to find out that so many others know of a similar experience...makes me feel like I'm not so alone in things as I though.
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Obi the Kid
Registered:
Apr '00
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Date Posted:
4/5/03 3:21am
Subject:
RE: FIC: Understanding (JA) *Updated 4/5/03*
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Why I am up so early in the morning, I have no idea! Can I blame my dog?  Okay, here's the next part.
===================================
“It was diagnosed two years ago while we were on a mission. I’d noticed a great change in him. His attitude. How he carried himself. His unwillingness to talk. And the need to sleep all of the time. We were on Gamus II. I got so concerned that I had him to a doctor there. Gamus is well known to have some of the best medical personnel in the galaxy, so I felt comfortable enough with them. But to be sure, I had Taj see the temple healers when we returned home. It’s a chemical imbalance that causes it. Sometimes brought on by stress. He’s on a daily regime of medicine to help control the imbalance, and it works most of the time. But there are periods when it overwhelms him. The depression hits hard. It’s happened maybe seven or eight times in these last two years, these intense down times.”
Qui-Gon questioned Jerra carefully on the subject. Wary, but trying to understand further. “And when he gets like this, he withdrawals?”
“Yes. He’s very sensitive about it. Uncomfortable with talking about what he has to deal with. He thinks no one will understand. And it is such a difficult illness to understand. The last thing he wants to do is explain it over and over. So he pulls back. And in the process, pushes people away.”
“Obi-Wan said he wouldn’t acknowledge his calls.”
“Please don’t think bad of Taj, Qui-Gon. This is not something he wished upon himself. And he’s doing his best to deal with what’s been given to him. Taj is a wonderful apprentice. Very willing and bright. He’s a good person. But he struggles with something beyond his control.”
Shaking his head, Qui-Gon put a hand on his friends arm. “No, Jerra. I didn’t mean for it to sound like I was critical of Taj. I can honestly say I know very little about depression. I don’t understand it or what a person who suffers from it must go through. From what I’ve seen of Taj, he is indeed a wonderful young man. He and Obi-Wan have a great deal in common, and when they are around each other, I find myself almost consumed by their energy. I would never think that depression could affect a boy who seems to truly enjoy life so much.”
“He does enjoy life. And he will again, once he can get past this most recent spell. It saps his energy. It gets to the point where the only thing he’ll be interested in, is sleeping. He can push himself if needed, as he did during that mission on Gamus. But it’s a different Taj than I am used to. I’m still learning how to deal with him when he gets like this. I am trying to understand. At times I don’t know what to do, or even what to say. He’ll talk to me some, but most of the time when the depression is at it’s worst, he even pushes me away,” Jerra finished sadly and then said, “Qui-Gon, please keep this confidential. It’s very important that others don’t know about this. It’s up to Taj to tell his friends, if he chooses to.”
“Would it be okay to let Obi-Wan know? If I ask him to keep this in confidence, he will.”
After a few moments, Jerra agreed. “I will let Taj know. But it’s not a subject that Obi-Wan should bring up when they are together. If Taj wishes to talk about it, he will.”
“I understand.”
“You know, it’s funny,” Jerra reflected. “When I first made the decision to take Taj as my apprentice, I spoke with his group leader. He told me that Taj goes through what he called ‘sad periods.’ He would do his work and the training that was required, but he asked to work alone during those times. But he never said why. I sense that was the beginning of what he now deals with on a more extreme level.”
“It was never checked out by the healers when he was younger?” Qui-Gon asked.
“No. Taj would just tell them that sometimes, he got sad. And since physically he was doing fine and his studies didn’t suffer, they didn’t pursue it further.”
“And if they had?”
“I asked Terran that same question. He’s told me that it wouldn’t have made much of a difference. Depression is not preventable and the medicines, while they help to stabilize when it gets really severe, the only thing that will help is time. That is the best thing Obi-Wan can do for him right now. Just understand that Taj is in a down period and to give him space until he can work himself through it.”
Qui-Gon could hear, deep down, the hurt coming through the other Jedi’s tone. “This is difficult for you as well. I can hear it in your voice. Feel it from you.”
Jerra nodded. “It is. Very difficult. Taj means a great deal to me. It’s painful to see him suffer like this. Even though I know that he’ll eventually be okay, it hurts. Especially during those periods when he pushes me away. The mood in our quarters right now is very unsettled. There are times though, occasionally, when he feels like the world is closing in on him, that he’ll come to me and he’ll just want me to hug him or sit with him. He doesn’t talk during times like that, he just wants the comfort and the companionship. Almost like he needs to know that someone cares. So I sit there with him as long as needed and offer silent support.”
“He loves you very much, Jerra. I know that just from seeing you both together. How he pays attention to your every word, and tries his best to make you proud of him. And I know that makes these that much more difficult for you personally. Do you have anyone to talk to this about?”
“I spoken with Terran a bit. And he also gave me the name of a counselor who specializes in Jedi with emotional difficulties. I’ve been thinking of getting Taj to meet with him. I think sometimes it might help for him to talk things out with someone who is not judgmental about his illness.”
“But you…”
“You are the first person who I’ve really spoken to in depth about this. I have to admit, it does feel good to talk about the situation. I think I’ve bottled it up because Taj didn’t want me to say anything. It’s worn on me.”
“I’m always available, Jerra. Anytime you need to talk or if you just need company. Even if I am off-planet. You have my comm number. Talk as much as you need to. I’ll get back to you as soon as I am able. I’d like to help in whatever way I can.” Qui-Gon had moved forward and placed a supportive hand on his friend’s arm.
The tall Jedi smiled. “Thank you, Qui-Gon. That means a lot. I do need this. I do need to have an outlet. It’s not healthy to hold things in.” He laughed sarcastically. “I don’t know now many times I’ve told my own padawan that very same thing. I should heed my own words.”
“I tell myself the same thing. Why is it so easy to teach the lessons but when it comes time to heeding them, we hesitate?”
“I wish I knew,” Jerra replied. “I should get home. I told Taj I wouldn’t be gone long.
“You call me if you need to. Any time. Okay?” The younger Jedi grasped the hand of the older.
“I will.”
“And if there is anything we can do for Taj, you just let us know.”
Jerra leaned forward and drew his friend into a brief embrace. “Thank you, Qui-Gon.”
~*~
tbc...
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Padawan_Jess_Kenobi
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Nov '02
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Date Posted:
4/5/03 5:05am
Subject:
RE: FIC: Understanding (JA) *Updated 4/5/03*
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*claps* Beautiful job with that last post, Obi! Now we see what happened. Aw, poor Taj, suffering from something like that. I can see why Obi is so sad from it, I am relating to that experiance now with one of my friends. I guess the best thing Obi-Wan can do is just to back off. Or even, he can still be the best possible friend he can, even if Taj does not see that. Wonderful, powerful chapter. I loved it.
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Mandalorian 6 Major TPM DF
"You can always trust a dishonest man to be dishonest, honestly it's the honest ones you need to watch out for because you never know when they'll do something incredibly stupid" Captain Jack Sparrow
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TheSwedishJedi
Registered:
Sep '01
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Date Posted:
4/5/03 8:33am
Subject:
RE: FIC: Understanding (JA) *Updated 4/5/03*
- Date Edited:
4/5/03 8:34am (1 edits total)
Edited By:
TheSwedishJedi
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Very touching. Poor kid, I understand what he goes through. It can get really hard sometimes. Wonder what Obi will do when he finds out. I know he'd be understanding and all but I hope he doesn't try to push things, that could only make it worst. Can't wait for more.
~Swede 
P.S. Man, you were up late. Or early. Or whatever.
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White shores are calling, You and I will meet again,
And you'll be here in my arms, just sleeping...
~ Into the West, LotR
~stories on my bio~
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Ginger_Jedi
Registered:
Jun '01
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Date Posted:
4/5/03 11:35am
Subject:
RE: FIC: Understanding (JA) *Updated 4/5/03*
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Another sensitive and well written post OTK
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Obi the Kid
Registered:
Apr '00
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Date Posted:
4/5/03 11:41am
Subject:
RE: FIC: Understanding (JA) *Updated 4/5/03*
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Jess, Swede and Ginger, THANKS! This is one of those stories that was easy to write..but hard as well. Um...my dog decided that 530 am was a good time to get up this morning and drive me nuts. So I figured...may as well post early! hehe!
Obi
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Kelly Kenobi
Registered:
Mar '00
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Date Posted:
4/5/03 12:10pm
Subject:
RE: FIC: Understanding (JA) *Updated 4/5/03*
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Very touching Obi. I can't say that I understand what any of these characters are going through, because thankfully I have never had to experience it from any POV and I hope I never do.
It's very interesting to see how depression effects the various people in such a diffent way. I am anxious to see how Obi-Wan will react to the truth and very anxious to see how Taj will react to the fact that his condition is now known by more than just his Master and the healers. I hope he doesn't push Obi-Wan out of his life, even for a brief time, although I fear that is what I suspect will happen.
I am happy that at least you seem to have several outlets, that seems to be very important to personal healing. I hope your friend is okay.
I am also thrilled to see you posting another of your more angst filled stories, while your humorous stories are LOL funny, it's the drama I can't get enough of.
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