| Author |
Topic:
Order, Order -- Qui-Gon humor -- one-post -- all dialogue
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ardavenport
Registered:
Dec '04
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Date Posted:
12/28/07 3:08pm
Subject:
Order, Order -- Qui-Gon humor -- one-post -- all dialogue
- Date Edited:
12/28/07 8:37pm (2 edits total)
Edited By:
ardavenport
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Title: Order, Order
Author: ardavenport
Timeframe: pre-Episode I, pre-TPM
Genre: humor
Characters: Qui-Gon Jinn, OCs
Keywords Qui-Gon Jinn, presentation, ecology
Summary: The Presentation for the Jedi Temple before the Sector Ecology Sub-Committee of Coruscant.
Notes: There's a challenge on the Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan thread in resources for all dialogue and no dialogue stories. This is for the all dialogue part of it. And typo is my middle name, with missing words and errors that spell checkers don’t catch being my speciality – if you see any, just post a reply or send a PM with the what and where and I will kill them with no mercy.
Disclaimer: All characters belong to George and Lucasfilm; I’m just playing in their sandbox
"Hello. I am Jedi Knight Qui-Gon Jinn of the Jedi Order and I am here to. . . . yes, a question?"
"Who did you piss off to be here with us?"
<muffled snickering>
"Aaaaah, well . . . . the Jedi Council has been made aware that there has been some dissatisfaction with our previous representatives - -"
"The Council sent a droid for the last three meetings!"
"Yes. And I understand that said droid did not return in satisfactory working condition from the last one."
<louder, open snickering>
"Yes. Now, if I may begin. I have been. . . .sent. . . . to present the ecological balance and quotas of The Jedi Temple for this meeting of the Sector Ecology Sub-Committee.
"The Jedi Temple is the largest structure in Sector Four-Dash-Three-Two-Three-Point-Seven-Nine-Five, as you can see in this holo-projection. It is designated and authorized as an overall Contributor Structure in the rolls of the Planetary Ecology Committee. That status is unchanged since the last meeting of this sub-committee and the Jedi Order does not have any requests to change the Temple's quotas or status."
"You people haven't changed anything for four-hundred years."
"Sssshhhhhh. Then this one should be quick."
"Please continue, Knight Qui-Gon."
"Thank-you. As I said, the Jedi Temple is an overall Contributor Structure to the ecology of this planet. Specifically, for the three ecological elements, it is an atmospheric contributor, a water neutral and a solid matter neutral. This means that the Temple and its associated neighboring structures return exactly as much solid and liquid components as it consumes, as you can see by the holo-chart broken down by element and molecule types. The Temple's water system is completely self-contained. Storage, recycling and use regions are highlighted here and here. . . . here. . . . . .and here. . . . . .and also here. . . . . here. . . . . .and here. The garden areas of the Temple, the largest places of water exchange are registered sub-ecologies with the Planetary Ecology Committee and they were inspected by the Sub-Committee Authority since your last meeting and their consumption and production quotas verified to be in compliance. Of course, water-based and solid organic consumables are brought in to the Temple but import of those is measured and balanced with corresponding export and this type of external exchange only constitutes less than 0.0014 percent of the total water and solid volume involved. All solid non-organic consumables and exports and from the Jedi Temple are balanced by material type as is shown in this chart. And the Jedi Temple's internal solid matter recycling is maintained by droids with Committee approved programming. It was inspected less than two standard years ago and verified to be operating at optimal efficiency. Facilities locations in the Temple are located here. . . . . here. . . . . here. . . .. here. . . . . . here. . . . . .and here. . . . . . and here. And, as you can see, there are several varieties of . . . . ."
<Scrrraaaaappppe! Crash!>
<loud snickering and open laughter>
"What?! What?!"
"Ha ha! He caught you snoozing, Veeto."
"What?! What?! I wasn't! My chair just slipped, that's all."
"Yeah, right."
"Pffffffttt!"
"Aaaarrrgem."
"Please, Knight Qui-Gon, continue. With less hand-waving this time? We've learned that things go smoother if we just ignore any committee members who might be. . . .resting there eyes during the presentations."
"Of course, Director."
"Um, Director if I might - - -"
<moaning and groaning>
"Oh not again."
"Give it up, Pakas!"
"You can't be serious."
"Order! Order."
<wham, wham, wham>
"Thank you, Director. Knight Qui-Gon, I wish to inquire if the Jedi Order is accepting any petitions to increase the Temple's contributor status in the rolls of the Planetary Ecology Committee."
"Pardon me?"
"Oh, he wants to build a new housing block out of an old warehouse and he can't balance his solids and liquids with the configuration he wants unless someone else gives him enough points to do it."
<wham, wham>
"Order, please."
"Thank you, Director."
"I see. . . . . .well, any petitions would have to be submitted to the Jedi Council. I am unable to help you."
"Yes, but you could offer an introduction for my case. For such a large structure, it would a simple. even trivial matter, to convert some of its excessively large and vacant volumes to more . . . . productive use."
<moaning and groaning>
"Pakas, it may be big, but that Temple's been there longer than the city. You're not getting anything out of them."
"Oh, only you would suggest converting a designated historic landmark into a recycling depot."
"Do you have to ask every single presenter about this?"
"Just change your config, Pakas."
<wham, wham>
"Order, please."
"Thank you, Director."
"Mister Pakas. I respect your right to petition the other residents of this sector for a balance more favorable to your project, but might I suggest that you petition them privately for our next meeting?"
"I appreciate your consideration, Director. But I have deadlines and can hardly wait a whole year for an ecological permit before I can even begin."
<mumbling and grumbling>
"I shall, of course, be brief in my entreaties to all your presenters."
"Hrrrrmmphf! Define brief!"
"Aaaarrrgem."
<wham, wham>
"Order, please."
"Mister Pakas?"
"Yes, Knight Qui-Gon? Would the Jedi Order like to consider my proposition?"
"As I said, I do not have any authority to entertain your petition, but it would seem to me that they are best submitted in private. . . ."
". . . . of course, petitions are always best submitted in private. . . ."
"And not at public meetings where they can clutter up an already tedious agenda."
". . . . yes, I can't clutter up the tedious agenda . . . ."
"For this year or next year's meeting, when you will submit your requests in text form only, after you have negotiated your petitions with only willing sector residents."
". . . . I'll negotiate the petitions and submit a it for the agenda next year. . . . "
"And you are terribly busy and have to leave now."
<chair scraping floor>
". . . . Yes, I do need to go. Very busy. . . . ."
<door swishing open>
<receding footsteps>
<door clicking closed>
<. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .>
"Director, I move that we have more hand waving."
//^^^^^ END ^^^^^\\
-----signature-----
Links to all fics -- http://boards.theforce.net/Message.aspx?topic=25405090&brd=10304&start=26223917 The Heart of the Jedi -- http://boards.theforce.net/b/b1/26013327 ---- Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, JA and everything you wanted to know about lightsabers
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dianethx
Registered:
Mar '02
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Date Posted:
12/28/07 6:48pm
Subject:
RE: Order, Order -- Qui-Gon humor -- one-post -- all dialogue
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I really loved the last line. It capped a funny story and made it sooo much more!
Great job.
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Jinngerbread
Registered:
Sep '07
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Date Posted:
12/28/07 9:18pm
Subject:
RE: Order, Order -- Qui-Gon humor -- one-post -- all dialogue
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"Hello. I am Jedi Knight Qui-Gon Jinn of the Jedi Order and I am here to. . . . yes, a question?"
"Who did you piss off to be here with us?"
I confess, my snickering wasn't muffled in the slightest  Poor Qui.
"Director, I move that we have more hand waving."
Too funny!
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KELIA
Title: Moderator: Fan Fiction
Registered:
Jul '05
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Date Posted:
12/30/07 2:06pm
Subject:
RE: Order, Order -- Qui-Gon humor -- one-post -- all dialogue
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"Who did you piss off to be here with us?"
Oh poor Qui!
I wonder who he did piss off?
Great job on this
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VaderLVR64
Title: Fan Fic Manager in Combat Boots
Registered:
Feb '04
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Date Posted:
12/31/07 10:00am
Subject:
RE: Order, Order -- Qui-Gon humor -- one-post -- all dialogue
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I read this last night and didn't get to leave a reply! But I wanted to make sure I did so today!
Loved it!
"Director, I move that we have more hand waving."
My favorite line!
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If you have to choose between tears and laughter, remember that laughter burns more calories.
Proud New Army Mom - off to bootcamp!
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hyperspace_police
Title: FanForce CR
Arkansas US
Registered:
Jun '05
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Date Posted:
1/3 2:09pm
Subject:
RE: Order, Order -- Qui-Gon humor -- one-post -- all dialogue
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That was great. Esp. is you've ever had to sit through committee meetings like that.
Too bad hand waving doesn't work in real life...
Bravo!
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Proud member of the "Cade Brigade" (Obi, please forgive me)
Stories in bio
We managed it with the power of "assless chaps"... Oh yes... that one is a direct quote from myself...
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raisedbywolves
Registered:
Jul '05
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Date Posted:
1/4 4:50pm
Subject:
RE: Order, Order -- Qui-Gon humor -- one-post -- all dialogue
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Why don't we have a hand-waving seminar for us aspiring urban planners?! I want to invite this guy in for a guest lecture.
A lovely story!!
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What She Saw: http://boards.theforce.net/Before_the_Saga/b10475/21886008/?0 Proud (if erstwhile) padawan to Master Darth Pixel. It's not Darth Real Life, actually - I prefer to think of it as my very demanding Jedi Master.
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ClaudiaR
Registered:
Jun '07
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Date Posted:
1/8 1:30pm
Subject:
RE: Order, Order -- Qui-Gon humor -- one-post -- all dialogue
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Loved it!
The Qui-Gon's actions and the last line were the best part!
I loved how it was such a bureaucratic meeting and indeed I would wish for more
hand waving in some of the meeting I have attended... it certainly would
simplify the proceedings!
I am sure that they will request him by name for the next year's conference!
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LURK&STALK
It takes a specialist to do it right
" Getting to stalk around importantly was quickly becoming the best part of pretending to be a Sith. "
Obi-Wan in Deptions by Amrita_Glittersong
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ardavenport
Registered:
Dec '04
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Date Posted:
6/10 7:19pm
Subject:
RE: Order, Order -- Qui-Gon humor -- one-post -- all dialogue
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dianethx: Thanks! 
Jinngerbread: Yes, poor Qui-Gon got stuck giving a presentation for the Jedi in front of a committee. But he can handle them.  Thanks for the reply!
KELIA: Thank-you!
VaderLVR64: Glad you liked it; thanks!
hyperspace_police: Yeah, the Force would be great for cutting through red tape. Thank-you!
raisedbywolves: Aaaaaah, only the Force can deal with stubborn urban planners. Thanks for the reply!
ClaudiaR: Thank-you! Qui-Gon is running the risk of becoming too popular with the committee. Yes, they might ask for him again, but hopefully he'll find a way out.
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Links to all fics -- http://boards.theforce.net/Message.aspx?topic=25405090&brd=10304&start=26223917 The Heart of the Jedi -- http://boards.theforce.net/b/b1/26013327 ---- Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, JA and everything you wanted to know about lightsabers
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Lolly_Tolly
Registered:
Apr '08
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Date Posted:
6/11 3:30am
Subject:
RE: Order, Order -- Qui-Gon humor -- one-post -- all dialogue
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My snickering was muffled! The football's on, and I'm supposed to be doing an assignment.
I loved this! It almost sounds like a couple of my classes if one were to walk past... except that there would be some slightly less mature subjects...
Well done!
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Proud to be Padawan of ZaraValinor! Siriwan shipper! Rise and Fall - (Good character bad) ROTS AU http://boards.theforce.net/Message.aspx?topic=28470791&brd=10476&start=28584936 Remember Stressed backwards, is DESSERTS!
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p_stotts
Registered:
Jan '01
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Date Posted:
6/11 6:44am
Subject:
RE: Order, Order -- Qui-Gon humor -- one-post -- all dialogue
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Everyone else already mentioned the lines I loved best. Hilarious! Humor is always so...er, well....humorous when done well. This was done extrememly well.
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9/19/2008 is National Talk Like A Pirate day in the U.S. Everyone else join in too! Arr! Avast ye landlubbers!
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ardavenport
Registered:
Dec '04
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Date Posted:
9/28 6:36pm
Subject:
RE: Order, Order -- Qui-Gon humor -- one-post -- all dialogue
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Lolly_Tolly: Thank-you! If only we could cut off long-winded speakers at meetings like Qui-Gon.
p_stotts: Thanks very much!
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Links to all fics -- http://boards.theforce.net/Message.aspx?topic=25405090&brd=10304&start=26223917 The Heart of the Jedi -- http://boards.theforce.net/b/b1/26013327 ---- Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, JA and everything you wanted to know about lightsabers
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