Jedi Council Forums - Effigy (L/M vignette - "like someone hit me across my psyche with it")

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Author	Topic: Effigy (L/M vignette - "like someone hit me across my psyche with it")
obaona Registered: Jun '02	Date Posted: 6/15/04 1:34am Subject: Effigy (L/M vignette - "like someone hit me across my psyche with it")
	Thanks for clicking! Title: Effigy Summary: Mara gets a smack in the psyche. A/N: Many thanks to Gabri_Jade for beta'ing. She likes the characterization, but I still think I went a little - out there with it. I hope you like. Inspired by the song "Effigy" by Natalie Merchant. "I'm an effigy, a parody of who I appear to be". That's why I have this title, even though I never actually use the word in here. (And it's loosely connected to the story at best, anyway.) And Gabri never got back to me on whether I should keep it, so I did. Will stop babbling now. Oh yeah, tiny reference to another fic of mine in here, but this isn't a prequel, I swear. Feedback is, as always, adored and appreciated and reread. ~~~ Is this who I am? That’s what I thought. It didn’t arise the way most thoughts do, echoing from your subconscious until it’s really in your head, and you know what you’re thinking. It was sudden, striking, like someone hit me across my psyche with it. I was walking down a hall, on Coruscant. In the former Imperial Palace, now the seat of the New Republic, which I was reluctantly liaising with for Karrde. Some guard – three weapons, I’d automatically noted, two less than Palpatine required – scanned my eyes, had me sign in, before I entered the more secure region of the Palace. He looked at me tiredly, bored but dedicated. I watched my name be entered into the log, watched as I was approved as a permanent guest (a status reserved for those who have no status, yet are often there), watched as he let me pass through. I was alone, on the way to a meeting with one of the heads of Intelligence. It was early morning. Karrde was already up, of course. We had gone over how the meeting should go the night before, but he gave me a few other little details he’d thought over after that. He didn’t recap; that would be an insult, and he knew that perfectly well. It was all very professional. There I was, walking along a hall newly stripped of plants, with little ones just growing in, and I suddenly realized, I have no personal life. Of course, I had always known this. It was acceptable to me. Then. But I had chosen to look ahead, not behind, when I was free of Palpatine’s command, when I no longer needed to consider the New Republic a threat. I was leaving my past behind; using the skills of it, of course, but leaving all those indoctrinations and perceptions behind. It was a conscious decision on my part. Palpatine had lied to me and used me. I had never questioned him, as I had been taught to question everything else – whether an informant was telling the truth, whether that Imperial admiral was really loyal – but I realized, with that new knowledge, that all of those things that I held so securely to myself were really nothing. Certainly not indicative of how I should live, of who I should be. I came to that realization logically. There was, of course, some emotion involved, but it was peripheral. It did not influence me, though I certainly felt it strongly. So really, it was logic that made me come to my next realization: I have no personal life. Personal life was defined loosely in my mind – it included friendships, people that cared about me, anyone I spent time with beyond the requirements of my job. The fact that ‘personal life’ also included romantic relationships also occurred to me, but I was clearly not ready for that stage yet. Had I, I wondered, been indoctrinated against that, as well? It made sense. As Emperor’s Hand, my loyalty and dedication could not be torn in two directions. As before, with my decision to leave those aspects of my past behind, emotion was involved. But it was so much stronger. I hurt. I felt more than anger; I felt anguish. Sorrow that I had not known since Palpatine’s death – and what foolish sorrow that had been. I kept walking, struggling with myself, trying to get through it step by step, in logical sequence. I was desiring a deeper relationship with someone, beyond that of acquaintanceship or camaraderie. Certainly a normal response, though rather unexpected in its sudden strength and where it arose. It made sense that I would begin to feel that, having made conscious effort to stay away from old perspectives and beliefs, and starting anew. Most people have close relationships of some kind. It is normal behavior, not indoctrinated behavior. I felt lingering fears, doubts, skepticisms – getting too close could compromise me. Could hurt me, too, I realized. My initial reaction was to shunt it, ignore it. But I was leaving that behind. So I couldn’t do that. Something . . . closer than acquaintanceship. My hand drifted to my hip, to Skywalker’s lightsaber. To my lightsaber; the one he had given me. He had given indications of more emotion than acquaintanceship, if probably less than that of friends. He had saved my life, and while that was a Jedi reaction, giving me the lightsaber indicated more interest than that. On a teacher/student level? He believed I should be a Jedi, after all. So any furtherance there would merely be on that basis, not friendship. I paused. Yes, that was logical. But it didn’t feel right. I stopped walking, uncertainty taking over. Could I trust my instincts? They had always served me well, but were those indoctrinated, too? Or was it not my perhaps faulty instincts, but the Force? I sighed. The Force was a quandary. I had thought of it as a tool, as power, but that’s what Palpatine thought as well. And not what the Jedi believed. Jedi. I sighed again. I reached out for the Force, lightly, unsure, but it responded. Unusual; sometimes it didn’t, my grasp of it weak and erratic since Palpatine’s death, even with Skywalker’s training. I was walking, and I had changed directions. I stopped again, cursing myself for being this way. For being this uncertain. Worry, tension, and fear skittered across my mind, and I firmly shoved them away. I had a meeting to go to, one that I could not skip. Should not skip. I hesitated again, then started heading for Skywalker’s quarters. Logic be damned; my instincts screamed at me to go where I was meant to go, but I knew with irrational finality that I was going to do this. Decision made, I quickly made my way across the Palace, to Skywalker’s quarters. I knew where they were as I had memorized the Republic schematic, which included such information. Of course, I wasn’t supposed to have access to any of that, but such was often the case. I had no intention of using it for ill anyway. The nervousness returned when I stood outside his quarters. I hesitated, as I was about to use the comm. My fingers just grazed it, and I stopped. I am not giving myself a pep talk, I thought, and hit the buzzer. A few seconds passed, then, “Who is it?” came through the comm. He sounded sleepy, his voice rough. I suddenly felt a gentle mental touch, one that slipped away almost instantly. The door opened, and the feeling of regard returned again. “Stay out of my mind, Skywalker,” I snapped, glaring. He grimaced. “Sorry.” I looked him over, briefly. He had on a loose pair of dark pants and a cream-colored tunic, but was barefoot. And his blond hair was messed. Bed hair. Was it that early? He looked at me curiously, his blue eyes more intense and focused than his touch in the Force. “What is it, Mara?” He seemed calm, apparently sure this wasn’t an emergency. “I . . .” Suddenly the whole thing seemed stupid. If I thought at all that I could be friends with Skywalker, why had I chosen now? “I wanted to talk.” He blinked. “Okay,” he said slowly. He stepped to the side. “Come in.” I did so, feeling awkward. I stopped as soon as the door shut behind me. Skywalker kept moving forward, sitting on the couch, the single furniture in the living space. The bedroom was off to the right, though its door was closed. The walls and floors had been stripped of any decoration, though there were a few mementos on shelves on the walls. X-Wing helmets, a rock, a few holos . . . Skywalker gestured at the couch he sat on. “Sorry there’s nothing else.” I stared at him silently. “Mara?” “Yes?” I finally replied. “You wanted to talk,” Skywalker said, looking at me closely. His eyebrows lifted. “Have you been struck mute? That’s never been a problem with you before,” he said, with a teasing look. I looked at him disbelievingly, then snorted. “Very funny, Skywalker.” He gestured at the couch again. I sat. “So,” I said, attempting to . . . do something. “How does the Republic feel about the smuggler and intelligence groups?” How friendly, Mara. Skywalker opened his mouth, then closed it. His eyes narrowed. And he answered me, without questioning why I asked. Our conversation continued from there. It went from politics and policies to X-wings and brands of weapons. And lightsabers. He even briefly commented on mine. Skywalker was also, I found, knowledgeable in most everything concerning the military or the Republic, and easily admitted when he didn’t know something – unless he still thought he was right. Then he got stubborn. For some reason, this didn’t particularly surprise me. Someone who would rescue a woman who had promised to kill him didn’t strike me as being pliable. Still, Skywalker shot me studying looks in the short silences, where we both thought, where either he or I would come up with a new, utterly neutral and impersonal topic. Things continued that way until Skywalker’s comm. beeped. He gave me a slight smile, and then wordlessly went to answer it. “Yes?” Pause. “Yes, she’s here.” Puzzled. “I’ll tell her.” Bemused. “Yes, you’re welcome.” He turned to me. “That was NR Security. They were getting concerned, and started to call all your acquaintances. You were supposed to be at a meeting?” he queried, clearly curious as to why I was here, instead of there. Acquaintances. There was that word again, that so often seemed to be in my thoughts. Was that what Skywalker was? I had totally forgotten about the meeting. One does not think about meetings when having life changing realizations, or at least when reacting to life changing realizations. “Yes,” I confirmed, helpless in my inability to explain. He nodded slowly. The puzzlement was gone from his eyes, though he was still looking at me closely. “I’d better go,” I said finally. “Okay,” he said agreeably. I stood, and headed for the door. He stopped with a touch to my arm. I turned to him, to say something, something probably banal, but he shook his head at me. “If you ever need to just talk, Mara, you can stop by,” he said simply, warmly. “Even if it’s about politics,” he added gently. I felt the urge to snap at him, deny whatever the hell he was thinking, but I didn’t. Part of it was a realization that was old instinct, to push away and deny weakness, but part of it was simply that I didn’t want to. “So long as you remember a lightsaber does work in gelatin,” I said stiffly. They did. They worked underwater, and I knew the mechanics, and they would work in gelatin. I wasn’t sure how that had come up originally, something about organic gel and pond monsters from mission Skywalker had . . . But it seemed the appropriate response. He smiled. “Deal.” I nodded. Skywalker didn’t say farewell as I left. He just smiled. I didn’t smile, but I felt like I was, and that seemed to be enough. And then the door shut, and whatever it was, was gone. Not acquaintanceship, I thought. Friendship. [fin] -----signature----- MS Word is designed by sadists with masochists in mind. - teh atty my recent Atton (KOTOR2) fic: http://boards.theforce.net/before_the_saga/b10475/30335989
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kayladie97 Registered: Jun '03	Date Posted: 6/15/04 5:11am Subject: RE: Effigy (L/M vignette - "like someone hit me across my psyche with it")
	Yay! A new viggie from Oba! You have no idea how much joy they give me! I liked Mara's introspection, all her doubts and fears about whether she could put her past with the Emperor behind her. And then the way she actually listened to the Force when it told her to go to Luke's apartment. (Heck, I'd listen to that impulse, too! ) I loved the image of Luke standing there with still-sleep tousled hair! Although I have to wonder why he said "Who is it?" Don't you think he'd always check with the Force first? Or maybe she really DID wake him... And then their conversation. Luke sees through her SO completely, but I love the way he understands what she wants and needs even if she's not quite willing to admit it to him or herself yet. And the lightsaber in gelatin quandry! Sounds like this could be a debate they have for many, many years! Loved it, loved it, loved it!! -----signature----- My new philosophy of life (borrowed from Elvis Presley) "The sun's down and the moon is pretty. It's time to ramble."
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Tekli_theInsane Registered: Mar '04	Date Posted: 6/15/04 6:30am Subject: RE: Effigy (L/M vignette - "like someone hit me across my psyche with it")
	Oh! Like kayladie, I loved the image of Luke with messy hair. It didn’t arise the way most thoughts do, echoing from your subconscious until it’s really in your head, and you know what you’re thinking. It was sudden, striking, like someone hit me across my psyche with it. Perfect. Very, very perfect. Lovely. three weapons, I’d automatically noted, two less than Palpatine required Exactly what Mara would notice! I came to that realization logically. There was, of course, some emotion involved, but it was peripheral. It did not influence me, though I certainly felt it strongly. Also very Mara. I loved this, it was amusing, but also very serious. I guess the amusement comes from knowing what eventually happens to Mara and Luke... He had saved my life, and while that was a Jedi reaction, giving me the lightsaber indicated more interest than that. On a teacher/student level? He believed I should be a Jedi, after all. So any furtherance there would merely be on that basis, not friendship. I paused. Yes, that was logical. But it didn’t feel right. The characterizations are spot-on in this viggie. I loved this passage, such a Mara-ish train of thought... Confused at such a simple incident, primarily because of what she was tought in order to understand things more easily. XD Logic be damned; my instincts screamed at me to go where I was meant to go, but I knew with irrational finality that I was going to do this. WOOT! GO MARA! Very pretty. I am not giving myself a pep talk, I thought, and hit the buzzer. snicker How come I get the impression that in Mara-world that's more of a pep talk than anything else she could have said to herself? “So long as you remember a lightsaber does work in gelatin,” Love the reference. -----signature----- "Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind." ~Albert Einstein www.fanfiction.net/~tekli The Once and Future Fangirl--BRING ON THE ANGST Iiiiit's cheese, it's cheese, it's cheese that makes the world go round... oro...
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Suzuki_Akira Registered: May '03	Date Posted: 6/15/04 6:33am Subject: RE: Effigy (L/M vignette - "like someone hit me across my psyche with it")
	Scored again, Oba. Did you know that Oba means queen in my language, and Ona or onna means woman in Japanese? So you are the Queen! The Queen of the viggie. Not to be confused with veggies . This really was an excellent vignette, Mara came off as believable and in character even when acting off of impulse, which is diffucult. And Luke was wise to close his mouth! Great fic! -----signature----- God is great, the Lord of all. "I find your lack of faith disturbing..." Those who dare oppose us will stand knee deep in the blood of their children. http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=158008483
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Jedikma Registered: Feb '04	Date Posted: 6/15/04 7:12am Subject: RE: Effigy (L/M vignette - "like someone hit me across my psyche with it")
	Yeah! Another Luke and Mara viggie from my Master! I know I have said this before, but I love the way you wirte Luke and Mara. This one is especially nice as you delve into Mara's complex personality and that working transition she goes through from being the Emporer's Hand to becoming a Jedi. Just plain friendship has to be a foriegn concept for her. So wonderful how Luke makes time for her, too. I so enjoyed this one! -----signature----- Twice in a Lifetime 7/31 http://boards.theforce.net/The_Saga/b10476/16813029 A Quiet Afternoon http://boards.theforce.net/the_saga/b10476/23305946 follow up vig to: A New Order http://boards.theforce.net/The_Saga/b10476/17525231
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RebelMom Title: TFF Secretary Registered: Apr '00	Date Posted: 6/15/04 8:32am Subject: RE: Effigy (L/M vignette - "like someone hit me across my psyche with it")
	I don't know how you do it, but I enjoy the results. I'm beginning to think that you don't sleep so you can write all these wonderful stories. -----signature----- Short Story: Pressure Point http://boards.theforce.net/beyond_the_saga/b10477/26961243/p1/?7 Jacen Solo and Anakin Skywalker - as it should have been. TFF: Cheryl
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Jaina_and_Jag Registered: Apr '03	Date Posted: 6/15/04 9:38am Subject: RE: Effigy (L/M vignette - "like someone hit me across my psyche with it")
	Bravo! You're such a gifted writer and I have to say, this was very interesting and good. It just seemed so perfect to have Mara want some to be more than a casual acquaintance, and then for her to just drop whatever it was she was doing to find a friend was very human. Wonderfully written oba!
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Jedi-2B Registered: Nov '00	Date Posted: 6/15/04 11:19am Subject: RE: Effigy (L/M vignette - "like someone hit me across my psyche with it")
	This was great! I loved how you got inside Mara's head, showing all her doubts and confusion, and how Luke went along with her just wanting to talk. Loved the 'lightsaber in gelatin' nod, too! -----signature----- It was on her fifteenth day in the darkness of the Nirauan cave when Mara Jade awoke to discover a rescuer had finally arrived. It was not, however, any of the potential rescuers she would have expected. It was Luke. ~~And the rest is history~~
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obaona Registered: Jun '02	Date Posted: 6/15/04 7:27pm Subject: RE: Effigy (L/M vignette - "like someone hit me across my psyche with it")
	kayladie97: LOL! Thanks! Glad you liked all the introspection. That's the part I was worried about - would Mara really be so . . . on the outside, looking in? And I know, she actually listened! Mara! giggles I figured in making Luke sleepy, one, he's cuter that way, two, he'd be more likely to just go along with Mara's weirdness. For some reason, I think of him as sleeping in sometimes. Aye, Luke's smart. Glad you loved the gelatin reference, too. The ending on this one was a bit difficult for me (I nearly ended it when she goes to his apartment), and when I thought of that - it just fit. Thanks again! Tekli_theInsane: I see bed-hair Luke is popular. I'm glad you like how I wrote Mara - and it's funny, my beta pointed out some of those things as being very Mara-ish, too. LOL, and you're right, that is a pep-talk - Mara style. Thank you! Suzuki_Akira: Does it really? What is your language, if I may ask? And thank you! Yeah, Mara is really not a very impulse-ish person, is she? I think Luke is nearly always wise when he shuts his mouth where Mara is concerned. Jedikma: Thanks, Padawan! Yes, this is really about her transition - and her conscious choice to make that transition. Luke is always wonderful. RebelMom: LOL! This took me about 45 minutes to do. I'm glad you like it. Jaina_and_Jag: Thank you. I thought it was interesting what you said, about her just dropping everything being very human of her. I think that's very true - and unusual for Mara, because she's really not the type of person to do that, and yet she does, even at this stage in her life. Anyway, thank you! Jedi-2B: Getting into Mara's head is always fun. And watching Luke react is even funner. I'm glad you liked the gelatin bit, too. Thank you! -----signature----- MS Word is designed by sadists with masochists in mind. - teh atty my recent Atton (KOTOR2) fic: http://boards.theforce.net/before_the_saga/b10475/30335989
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ThePariah Registered: Jan '03	Date Posted: 6/15/04 8:09pm Subject: RE: Effigy (L/M vignette - "like someone hit me across my psyche with it") - Date Edited: 6/15/04 8:29pm (2 edits total) Edited By: ThePariah
	Ah, yes. Bed-hair Luke. Yummy in a very odd way, but...yummy. Anything to counteract the post-ROTJ Beru bowl-cut. tackles groggy Luke and gives him some headlock noogies for good measure I don't know why this story had me LMAO throughout, but it just struck me as a subdued comedy. Flat-out schtick makes me giggle, but your uber-subtle style of implied humor makes me laugh harder than almost anything else. I'm just weird that way. But weird is good! Up with weird! "lightsaber in gelatin" Ah, but will a lightsaber work in...chocolate pudding??? idea hits INSTANT S'MORES!!! -----signature----- Eternal Groveler to rhonderoo, VaderLVR64, Knight_Aragorn, Oba, & the SJRS crew Has a postcard from the Dark Side. "I suspect that most if not all the world's ills could be cured by humour transplants."--Karen Traviss TEMPORARY SET-UP!!!
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J_M_Bulldog Registered: Apr '03	Date Posted: 6/15/04 8:49pm Subject: RE: Effigy (L/M vignette - "like someone hit me across my psyche with it")
	That was very great obaona and very Mara. I could just see her walking down the corridor, frowning before heading for Luke's quarters. I honestly don't know how you do it but however it happens you're writting is awesome. -----signature----- BA(bad attitude), aka Thwack, of TKL's Lomin Ale Wraiths I am never down. I am either up or I am getting up, but I am never down. Stop telling God how big your storm is; instead tell the storm how big your God is.
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Tekli_theInsane Registered: Mar '04	Date Posted: 6/16/04 7:36am Subject: RE: Effigy (L/M vignette - "like someone hit me across my psyche with it")
	Pariah, I admire your genius. Smores? MUST FIND LIGHTSABER!!!!!!!!!!!!! wanders around looking for working lightsaber and large vat of chocolate pudding -----signature----- "Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind." ~Albert Einstein www.fanfiction.net/~tekli The Once and Future Fangirl--BRING ON THE ANGST Iiiiit's cheese, it's cheese, it's cheese that makes the world go round... oro...
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Jedi Trace Title: • SouthEast RSA • FanFiction Manager Registered: Dec '99	Date Posted: 6/16/04 8:07am Subject: RE: Effigy (L/M vignette - "like someone hit me across my psyche with it")
	I hope it won't be a total misinterpretation if I say, That Was Funny! I could just feel Mara's awkwardness and deer-in-headlights responses to Luke. And the part about the gelatin... Great viggie!! -----signature----- "Luke Skywalker kicks ass. Next question." - Tom Taylor "Sometimes bad guys are the only good guys you get." - Leverage
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obaona Registered: Jun '02	Date Posted: 6/16/04 9:28pm Subject: RE: Effigy (L/M vignette - "like someone hit me across my psyche with it")
	ThePariah: Thank you. I like bed-hair Luke, too. I didn't really think of this as humor when I wrote it - I was actually listening to a very haunting song at the time - but I can understand how you would see it that way. Some parts are very humorous, like Mara just sitting there, looking at a very confused Luke . . . Anywho. Glad you enjoyed. J_M_Bulldog: Lots of work and concentration. The inspiration comes on it's own where it pleases, though. Thank you. Tekli_theInsane: That sounds good. Jedi Trace: LOL, well, I didn't really think people would focus on that aspect, but hey, it's a learning thing for me. Glad you liked the gelatin, too - I figured that would get some people going. Thanks! -----signature----- MS Word is designed by sadists with masochists in mind. - teh atty my recent Atton (KOTOR2) fic: http://boards.theforce.net/before_the_saga/b10475/30335989
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Gabri_Jade Title: Fan Fiction Archive Editor Emeritus Registered: Nov '02	Date Posted: 6/16/04 11:43pm Subject: RE: Effigy (L/M vignette - "like someone hit me across my psyche with it")
	I still like the characterization, oba. And you didn't say I had to critique the title too! It's okay, dear. It works. It didn’t arise the way most thoughts do, echoing from your subconscious until it’s really in your head, and you know what you’re thinking. It was sudden, striking, like someone hit me across my psyche with it. Love it, love it, love it. Very accurately written. Some guard – three weapons, I’d automatically noted, two less than Palpatine required – That's one of my very favorite parts. It's just such a wonderful, Mara-ish little aside. He didn’t recap; that would be an insult, and he knew that perfectly well. Excellent. But it was so much stronger. I hurt. I felt more than anger; I felt anguish. Sorrow that I had not known since Palpatine’s death – and what foolish sorrow that had been. I kept walking, struggling with myself, trying to get through it step by step, in logical sequence. See, this is perfect Mara characterization. Not out there at all. It's dead on. My initial reaction was to shunt it, ignore it. But I was leaving that behind. So I couldn’t do that. I love how you've written Mara as deliberately trying to do things differently than she was taught to do. I am not giving myself a pep talk, I thought, and hit the buzzer. More perfect characterization. Skywalker opened his mouth, then closed it. His eyes narrowed. And he answered me, without questioning why I asked. Perfect Luke characterization too. Skywalker was also, I found, knowledgeable in most everything concerning the military or the Republic, and easily admitted when he didn’t know something – unless he still thought he was right. Then he got stubborn. For some reason, this didn’t particularly surprise me. Someone who would rescue a woman who had promised to kill him didn’t strike me as being pliable. I adore this part. Wonderful insight; it's exactly how Luke is. “So long as you remember a lightsaber does work in gelatin,” I said stiffly. They did. They worked underwater, and I knew the mechanics, and they would work in gelatin. ROTFLOL!!! Not acquaintanceship, I thought. Friendship. Perfect again. Love it, darling. -----signature----- Evil Twin of LadyPadme This concept of "wuv" confuses and infuriates us! - Futurama All I can do is be me. Whoever that is. - Bob Dylan Serendipity (Leia-Mara vig) - http://boards.theforce.net/b/b1/30178069 !!11!1eleventy
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obaona Registered: Jun '02	Date Posted: 6/17/04 6:50pm Subject: RE: Effigy (L/M vignette - "like someone hit me across my psyche with it")
	Gabri_Jade: Yes, I did. I asked you about it in the first email I sent, with the story attached. I'm glad you like all the little Mara-ish things. Btw, thanks again for the beta and the feedback comments. I found it interesting that you commented on that part about Luke, though - I wasn't expecting that. But yeah. I can see Luke being like that. sigh That man is so perfect. I knew you'd love the gelatin part. Thank you, darling. -----signature----- MS Word is designed by sadists with masochists in mind. - teh atty my recent Atton (KOTOR2) fic: http://boards.theforce.net/before_the_saga/b10475/30335989
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