| Author |
Topic:
Mom, I Need You (Ben, angst)
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Jaya Solo
Registered:
Jul '99
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Date Posted:
11/17/07 1:06pm
Subject:
Mom, I Need You (Ben, angst)
- Date Edited:
6/19 6:53am (1 edits total)
Edited By:
Jaya Solo
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Title: Mom, I Need You
Author: Jaya Solo
Timeframe: Legacy of the Force time period
Characters: Ben Skywalker
Genre: Angst, one-post
Summary: Ben is dealing with the loss of his mother.
It's been a month since you died.
People have stopped coming by to comfort us.
People have stopped checking in on me to see how I'm doing.
Now all they do is stare with their sad eyes.
Comfort may be too much of a stretch, though. All they do is say things that they think will make it all better. Words they think can erase the pain that I face every day.
“Your mom is one with the Force.”
Whatever.
Dad found me one day playing with your lightsaber. I missed you so much. I said I just wanted to be with you.
I told him what others had been saying about you being one with the Force.
He's paying more attention to me now. Watching me more intently. He tried to explain that while you're one with the Force, that it doesn't mean I should join you right away. He said you wanted me to live a long and happy life.
Fat chance of that happening.
A happy life?
Who is he kidding.
It's not like he ever knew what one of those was.
“You'll see her again some day.”
What they don't realize is I see you everywhere.
Not a day has gone by so far where I haven't looked up and seen you somewhere.
I see you in the street. I see you in speeders that whiz by. I see you in mothers playing with their kids.
But it's not you.
No, it's just someone that looks like you.
Force, it's even someone that doesn't look like you.
I just think it's you.
I've stopped expecting you to walk through the front door as much as I used to. I kept thinking it was just like the holos where people just seemed to be dead but later on turned up perfectly well.
I had hoped that maybe you'd come back.
Somehow, just magically come back.
Maybe even a cloned form of you would come back.
I didn't care how you came back, just that you would.
When Dad and I went to look at your body, I kept expecting your eyes to open up, for you to tell us that this was just a great big joke.
But they didn't.
And you haven't come back to us yet.
And I don't think that you ever will.
“Your mom's one of the Angels of Iego now.”
Where in the seven hells of Corellia is Iego?
What the Force is an angel?
How is this supposed to make me feel better?
“Your mom's in a better place now.”
What could be a better place than with me?
What could be a better place than with her family?
How can anything be better than being alive?
“I know what you're going through.”
Like hell you do.
She was my mom.
Not even Dad understands. A wife is different than a mom.
He lost his aunt and uncle and dad, never knew his mom, but it's...
It's just...
...different...
“Time heals everything.”
Well thank you so much. That just made everything all right. Yep. I'm great now.
Or maybe I'll magically be better soon.
Really, thanks for the kind words. Now, if you don't mind, why don't you go jump off a cliff.
“Your cousin Jacen didn't know what he was doing.”
Right. A man that's fallen to the darkside doesn't know what he's doing.
Uh-huh.
He knew good and well what he was doing when he did it.
He took my mother from me.
One day he'll pay.
Unless he's facing Dad.
Dad will probably somehow turn him and then forgive him from everything bad he's ever done.
Just like grandpa.
What they don't understand is that their words mean nothing to me. Nothing at all. They don't help. They just hurt more.
They don't know that I can't remember what you smell like when you wake me up in the mornings. They don't know that I can't remember what you feel like when you hug me. They don't know that I can't remember what you look like most of the time.
All I have now is a feeling about who you used to be. I have memories of you, but it feels like they're slipping from me. Each and every day that goes by it feels like I forget more of you.
If this is healing, I don't want any part of it.
I woke up last night screaming. I couldn't remember what you looked like, and I finally grabbed the holo of you by my bed and stared at it. I think I stared at it for hours until I eventually fell asleep.
I know that anger is of the darkside, and that you wouldn't want me to turn out like Jacen, but how can I not be angry about your death?
I feel sad all the time without you. Can sadness lead to the darkside too? What if I'm never happy again?
I fear that I'll lose Dad, Jaina, Uncle Han, and Aunt Leia to Jacen too. And then I'll be all alone.
I don't want to be alone. I'd rather die than face that.
Mom, I need you.
If you could find some way to come back to us, please do.
I really need you now.
I'm sorry if I wasn't always a good son. If you come back, I promise I'll be better.
I'm sorry for all of the mean things I said to you. I didn't mean them. Could you come back for just a little while?
I just want to tell you that I'm sorry, and that I love you.
Mom, I need you.
-----signature-----
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VaderLVR64
Title: Fan Fic Manager Digging out from Fay
Registered:
Feb '04
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Date Posted:
11/17/07 1:26pm
Subject:
RE: Mom, I Need You (Ben, angst)
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You've really captured the raw, visceral pain of grief in this. 
“You'll see her again some day.”
What they don't realize is I see you everywhere.
Not a day has gone by so far where I haven't looked up and seen you somewhere.
That was particularly touching...and sadly true of how you feel when you lose someone you love.
-----signature-----
If you have to choose between tears and laughter, remember that laughter burns more calories.
They call me NANA Vader.
At least she doesn't lack confidence...
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Jade_Pilot
Registered:
Dec '05
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Date Posted:
11/17/07 1:48pm
Subject:
RE: Mom, I Need You (Ben, angst)
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What a powerful post! You've gotten right to the heart of the pain a child feels when he loses his mom.
Very well done.
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Fall semester now commencing...se habla español and more cowbell!!! ** "ginchy's gambit" http://boards.theforce.net/Message.aspx?topic=29089731&brd=10477&start=29091637
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TheOnlyJediPrincess
Registered:
Jul '06
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Date Posted:
11/17/07 2:16pm
Subject:
RE: Mom, I Need You (Ben, angst)
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*sniff*
Wow! that was very touching. the anger he feels and the fear of being alone was described perfectly.
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Blue_but_beautiful
Registered:
Jan '06
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Date Posted:
11/17/07 2:16pm
Subject:
RE: Mom, I Need You (Ben, angst)
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You have captured Ben's feelings so well, he's sounds so bitter and hurt about what happened as would be expected, certainly made tears well up in my eyes
He knew good and well what he was doing when he did it.
He took my mother from me.
One day he'll pay.
Unless he's facing Dad.
Dad will probably somehow turn him and then forgive him from everything bad he's ever done.
He sounds as though he's drifting further away from his father too  makes me wonder how Luke would react if he could sense this from Ben.
A wonderful post!
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"Are you sure you are not an Ooglith masquer with nothing actually inside?" My Fan Art: http://boards.theforce.net/Message.aspx?topic=25954742&brd=10020&start=26270818 My Fan Fic's are in my Profile  http://www.embracethepain.proboards79.com It's War!
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Jade_eyes
Registered:
Aug '04
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Date Posted:
11/17/07 2:38pm
Subject:
RE: Mom, I Need You (Ben, angst)
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Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!! That perfectly captured the "You're not helping!!" feeling of someone listening to cliches after a los. This was ESPECIALLY touching:
They don't know that I can't remember what you smell like when you wake me up in the mornings. They don't know that I can't remember what you feel like
when you hug me. They don't know that I can't remember what you look like most of the time.
All I have now is a feeling about who you used to be. I have memories of you, but it feels like they're slipping from me. Each and every day that goes by
it feels like I forget more of you.
I echo Ben's earnest plead: Please come back to us, we need you. The fire, the tang, the courage, the passion, the loyalty of Mara Jade.  
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I'm reading 8 drabble threads!  beans! That must be a record.  Care to make it 9? SQUEEEE!  Huggles & roses, jade eyes.
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mavjade
Registered:
Sep '05
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Date Posted:
11/17/07 3:04pm
Subject:
RE: Mom, I Need You (Ben, angst)
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Wow! That was wonderfully heart breaking!!!
The part where he said he would be better if she came back broke my heart!
Ben's anger at Jacen was scary, and the fact that he doesn't want Luke to turn Jacen back is particularly scary.
Wonderful Job!!
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My 3rd aniversery of being on the boards is on the September 10th, someone send me a challenge!  Just nothing too hard!  If you haven't seen Dr. Horribles Sing Along Blog... what are you waiting for??
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JadedSkycrawler
Registered:
Jul '02
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Date Posted:
11/17/07 4:00pm
Subject:
RE: Mom, I Need You (Ben, angst)
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“You'll see her again some day.”
What they don't realize is I see you everywhere.
Not a day has gone by so far where I haven't looked up and seen you somewhere.
I see you in the street. I see you in speeders that whiz by. I see you in mothers playing with their kids.
But it's not you.
This was my favorite part, so moving! So sad, and nicely done!
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"All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle." -Francis of Assisi
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Aiel
Registered:
Oct '04
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Date Posted:
11/17/07 5:34pm
Subject:
RE: Mom, I Need You (Ben, angst)
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Oh wow!  That was so beautiful Jaya!
All I have now is a feeling about who you used to be. I have memories of you, but it feels like they're slipping from me. Each and every day that goes by it feels like I forget more of you.
If this is healing, I don't want any part of it.
I woke up last night screaming. I couldn't remember what you looked like, and I finally grabbed the holo of you by my bed and stared at it. I think I stared at it for hours until I eventually fell asleep.
I really loved that part, you captured Ben so well in this story. Well done and thanks so much for a beautiful vignette.
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Master to LordNyax113 & TheOnlyJediPrincess Bar-Wench of the Meanders Inn/O'Kooky Pub. A Slight Disruption: http://boards.theforce.net/the_saga/b10476/26022301/ "The Beatles saved the world from boredom."- George Harrison. Wookiee hugs! 
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Flowerlady
Registered:
Dec '05
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Date Posted:
11/17/07 7:53pm
Subject:
RE: Mom, I Need You (Ben, angst)
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You captured a child's grief over the loss of a parent so well...I should know, my mom died a few years ago. It doesn't matter if you're fourteen or forty, the loss of ones mother is heart-wrenching.
Wonderfully written....
FL 
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I used to dream of Kyp or Jag, now it's Edward Cullen...I blame Cyn and Saber..  Master to DanaeMariSkywalker, JediMasterArmada and PHGS_Weyr
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Irish_Jedi_Jade
Registered:
Jul '07
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Date Posted:
11/17/07 11:00pm
Subject:
RE: Mom, I Need You (Ben, angst)
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“Your mom's in a better place now.”
What could be a better place than with me?
What could be a better place than with her family?
How can anything be better than being alive?
“I know what you're going through.”
Like hell you do.
She was my mom.
Not even Dad understands. A wife is different than a mom.
He lost his aunt and uncle and dad, never knew his mom, but it's...
It's just...
...different...
“Time heals everything.”
Well thank you so much. That just made everything all right. Yep. I'm great now.
Or maybe I'll magically be better soon.
Really, thanks for the kind words. Now, if you don't mind, why don't you go jump off a cliff.
Jaya, that was wonderful!! So absolutely perfect...you so accurately captured what a grieving person goes through at all those stupid niceties people say to try to comfort you...I know cause I heard more than I wanted to too many times! But you captured it in such a sensitive, raw, attentive way...I'm so touched. Poor Ben...stupid Jacen.
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Biology homework has me down...the only prescription is plot bunnies and more cowbell!!!
Let the dancing begin!!!!!!!
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mara_jade_rox
Registered:
Jun '07
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Date Posted:
11/18/07 10:39am
Subject:
RE: Mom, I Need You (Ben, angst)
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Wow.
That is all I can say.
Wow.
MJR
-----signature-----
What happens when everyone you love leaves?
Do you waste your time grieving?
Do you love others?
Even when the don't love you?
What happens?
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Myriad_Daydreams
Registered:
Jun '07
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Date Posted:
11/18/07 11:46am
Subject:
RE: Mom, I Need You (Ben, angst)
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Wow. Beautiful. The raw emotion you have here is phenomenal, and heartbreaking. I love the use of first person here, it makes everything so real! And Ben's cynical comments and emotions are so painfully real... Great job!
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KELIA
Title: Host: 20 Ques
Bet Your Knowledge
PT Rewrite
Registered:
Jul '05
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Date Posted:
11/18/07 3:11pm
Subject:
RE: Mom, I Need You (Ben, angst)
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That was brutal
I hope, in time, Ben can turn away from his thoughts of revenge. That is what Mara would want for him, after all.
Great job on this
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TorontoJediMaster
Registered:
Oct '01
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Date Posted:
11/23/07 12:05am
Subject:
RE: Mom, I Need You (Ben, angst)
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Very good story.
I think that, for right now, Ben's thoughts of revenge are very human and normal. He's not in danger of the Dark Side unless he holds onto them and lets them consume him.
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strwbrystarshine
Registered:
Feb '05
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Date Posted:
11/23/07 12:35am
Subject:
RE: Mom, I Need You (Ben, angst)
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Could you come back for just a little while?
Beautifully done...this line made me cry. I also loved the part about Luke probably turning Jacen back to the light...and Ben's anger about it. What a place to be caught between.
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