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Author	Topic: I Still Think About You (J/J songfic, LOTF-ish AU, April Hairband Challenge Winner!!)
Jaina_and_Jag Registered: Apr '03	Date Posted: 4/10 5:39pm Subject: I Still Think About You (J/J songfic, LOTF-ish AU, April Hairband Challenge Winner!!) - Date Edited: 5/8 5:11pm (1 edits total) Edited By: Jaina_and_Jag
	Title: I Still Think About You Timeframe: post-NJO to LOTF-ish Characters: Jaina, Jag Genre: AU/Contemplative/Drama-ish/Other stuff Summary: Jaina's thinking about her decisions regarding a certain black-haired, green-eyed man. Notes: Okay this is a two-in-one challenge response! First, it's a response to The Ultimate Hairband Songfic Challenge and then it's also a response to The First Sentence Challenge but it's from wayyy back in 2005, it was number nine. 'For me, it is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.' - Carl Sagan. And HUGE thanks to NYCitygurl for helping tame this ugly beast. Disclaimer: Not my characters. Oh how I wish they were, but I think George might get angry if I tried to take them. And the song in italics is sung by Danger Danger. ** Lying all alone in bed Crazy thoughts running through my head Thinkin' about you For me, it is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring. At least that’s what I like to tell myself. You see, I think about him all the time, but I know that it’s stupid and childish. He’s moved on with his life and I, mine, but night after night I lie in bed with him on my mind. It’s like he refuses to let me be. My entire day will be spent wrapped up in something else, but by the end of the night the only thing I can think about is how much I love him; how much I miss him. Thoughts of the future we could have had dance around my mind. I am not a frivolous woman. I see things the way they are and I’m not afraid to tell it like it is. People call me fiery and unconventional, but what they don’t realize is that I’m completely the opposite. Sure, I’m a pretty tough girl, but once you get to know me, you’ll see that I’m different. He took the time to get to know me. That made him special to me. He was willing to invest the time to break down the walls I had built around myself and I loved him for it. I always will. Tryin' hard to let it go My head says yes but my heart says no I wish I never had to choose When the war was over and I had to choose between the home and family I’d always known and the man I loved, it was the toughest decision I ever had to make. And here’s where the details are a bit sketchy. Sure, it looked like I chose my home and family, but I really hadn’t; I chose to let him free. It was never a matter of love because I truly loved him, but I just couldn’t be the reason that he left his home and everything he’d ever known. I’m not worth that. My love for him was the reason that I ended it. But that is something he never understood. And it’s my fault. I should have made it abundantly clear how I felt about him. Sure, I’d told him I loved him, but not nearly enough. He thought that I regarded what we had as just a wartime romance, nothing real, but he was oh so wrong. You see, I love him. I’ve always loved him, I think. Even before I met him, I loved him. And even after everything that’s happened and anything that will happen, I love him. It’s just that simple. I wish that instead of this datapad, I was telling him. But it’s no use; I guess I’ll just have to pretend to be over him. It shouldn’t be too hard; I have been pretending for years already, what’s the rest of my life? I've been walking down the same old road Tryin' hard to forget you But I just can't let you go Night after night, I think about him. That can’t be healthy, to persist in pining after the same person for years on end, but yet I continue to poison myself with the same thoughts. You’d think by now I’d have let him go, but no, that’s the Solo stubbornness for you. Even when I don’t want to be stubborn, I am. I can’t stop myself. I’m not sure how I have managed to hold on for so long. You would think that after thinking the same things over and over again, my brain would get tired of rehashing everything and just let me get on with my life, but no. My brain is content to torture me until the end of time. I guess it’s just something I’m going to have to accept. I still think about you Do you think about me? I still think about you Sometimes I like to pretend that he’s thinking about me too. When he crosses my mind, I convince myself that it’s not a waste of time because he’s thinking about me too. We’re millions of light-years apart, but yet we each spend a few minutes out of everyday thinking about one another. It’s a little romantic, if I do say so myself. It’s like one of those holodramas where, after years of separation, the lovers end up together; happily ever after. But then after I think about how romantic it is, I remember that it’s just a lie I tell myself to feel better about the time I spend thinking about him. Jag isn’t the type of guy to moon after a girl for years; he’s pragmatic; he let me go years ago. I don’t even have to convince myself of that one. I’ve seen the proof, a holo of Jag with a beautiful woman in tow, both with gigantic grins and a clear attraction. Jagged Fel is over me. It hurts to say, but I need to accept it. No matter where you go Just as sure as a cold wind blows I still think about you Do you think about me? It’s been, what, two years since I last saw him? And that was when my mother left him for dead. It hurts to know that I was fighting against the love of my life and that my mother actually tried to kill him, but I take solace in the fact that he survived. At the time, I had been so messed up and taken by the Killiks, but after I healed I realized how close I came to losing him forever. True, I’ve already lost his heart, but I don’t want to see him dead. I want him to live a long and fulfilling life, which, thankfully, he’s been given the chance to do. I like to think that maybe we still have a chance, but I know that after everything that has transpired between us it’s impossible. For the Force’s sake, my mother almost killed him! Any relationship we had, including a possible friendship, has been relegated to the past. There is nothing between Jagged Fel and me anymore, except maybe animosity, and I hate that. I wish things could be different, but our lives have been forever changed. Baby, I remember when You and me were best of friends We crossed our hearts and swore it was forever I just woke up from the most wonderful dream. I dreamt of the times when Jag and I were together, back during the Vong war, when we were happy and in love. I hate to think about the way we are now. We haven’t truly spoken in years and we are millions of light-years away from the people we were back then. He was ever the hero, saving all who needed saving, and I was his Goddess, orchestrating anything and everything. We were young and in love, not to mention a bit naïve. We thought we would be together forever, made promises and dreamed of a life beyond the war. But what we got was nothing like what we had hoped for. Jag went back to the Unknown Regions and his work for the Chiss and I left the military in favor of my Jedi heritage. We left a thousand words unsaid between us and both departed with tears in our eyes, knowing that we had to let go. Forever hadn’t lasted as long as we had planned. But I guess that lovin' me Was just a temporary thing And I wish to God that we were still together I force myself to get out of bed each morning and to live my life as I know I should. The days without him have always been hard, but for some reason it feels like they used to be easier. I struggle with myself each morning, telling myself I need to get up, to do my duty. But in the back of my mind, I’m always thinking about how things could have been different if Jag were still by my side. I curse myself for ever letting him go. My reasons were feeble and worthless. Jag was the only person I ever wanted to be with, but I stupidly pushed him away. I wish that I could go back in time and change my actions, but it’s impossible. Instead, I just dream of how our life together might have been. Two kids, I like to think; one boy, one girl. The boy is the spitting image of his father, except for his brandy brown eyes, which he inherited from me. The girl looks nothing like her brother, taking most of the characteristics from my side of the family. If only my dreams were reality. I hope you found what you were looking for It's been 3 years, a lot of tears Ain't got nothing but this song You know, certain things remind me of him, other than my own thoughts, of course. I’ll be sitting in a Jedi briefing or talking to someone and something will be said that sends me back to the time when I was his and he, mine. Something innocent, such as the words “Goddess” and the “Unknown Regions,” or even something as simple as a specific piloting maneuver he once spoke of. Suddenly, I’m in the past, daydreaming. Every once in a while, the memories are too much and I find myself fighting back tears. The hurt should have dulled by now, yet it somehow still manages to feel like a vibroblade piercing my heart. It’s been almost ten years since we were together, but I still carry the pain with me, as fresh as any recent wound would be. I still think about you Do you think about me? I still think about you I used to think that it would be easy to get over him because of the distance. I hadn’t seen him in years, so his presence wasn’t a constant reminder of what I had lost because he was so far away. But now, he has returned to my life. I never thought that we would be in the same room again, but yet here we are; funny how the Force is sometimes. The closeness of our bodies reminds me of everything I have missed, but his demeanor has changed. He seems completely unaffected and unemotional, like he did before I knew him. This Jag is different. I can tell that the same old Jag is underneath, but he is deeply buried. I wonder if he missed me. I look into his eyes, but I see nothing change. He still looks on as detached as ever. It’s almost as if he’s ignoring me, but who could blame him after everything I’ve done to him? I’m the reason he’s changed. No matter where you go Just as sure as a cold wind blows I still think about you Do you think about me? “I love you,” I whisper to the empty room. There is no one there to hear my voice and I am thankful. This is a moment of weakness that I will punish myself for. Jagged Fel is no longer the man I knew and I have no right to love him. I stare at the closed door and clench my fists. I will be stronger than him. I will be more detached than him. I will give him a taste of his own medicine. If he truly wants to pretend that nothing ever happened between us, then I can too. I can do it better than him. This will be my last moment of weakness. I allow myself one last thought of my love for him and then I clamp down on my emotions. This will be a war of emotion and I refuse to lose. When you're all alone When you need a friend I guess it doesn't matter 'Cause what we had we'll never have again As I walk through the halls of the Jedi Temple, I feel tumultuous feelings emanating from somewhere not too far. The person’s Force signature is blurred by emotion and I don’t bother trying to muddle through it. I just head straight for the presence. I’m beginning to regret that decision as I run straight into Jag. “I’m sorry!” I apologize as we both wobble on our feet. I should have been more observant. “It’s fine,” he replies, as stonily as ever. But as I look up into the familiar lines of his face, I realize that he is the source of the turmoil. Deciding to plunge in, I ask, “Are you alright? You seem a little upset.” I swear for a second there was a flicker in his eyes, but it’s gone and they’re as unreadable as always. He steps away from me and responds quickly. “I’m fine, thanks for asking.” He immediately begins to leave, but I grab his passing arm. He tenses at the contact and I release. I shouldn’t have done that. We’re not friends and I have no right to violate his personal space. “Sorry,” I stutter, trying to remedy my mistake. “I’m just worried about you.” As my mind registers what I said, I inwardly cringe. Great job, just keep digging the hole. “I appreciate your concern,” he replies, his tone less sarcastic, “but there is no reason to worry about me.” Even before he finishes his sentence, he is leaving. I watch him go, tears forming in my eyes. We can never ever be the way we once were, I now knew for sure. Hell, we can barely even be civil with one another. Lyin' all alone in bed Crazy thoughts running through my head Thinkin' about you Silent tears ran down my cheeks as I lay alone in my bed. I can feel his presence across the hall, peacefully asleep. I miss him so much. He is everything I have ever wanted, but we can never be. I have changed him. I hate myself for it. Sometimes I wish that we had never met because then I would never have hurt him. I hate myself for hurting him. I still think about you Do you think about me? I still think about you No matter where you go Just as sure as a cold wind blows I still think about you Every once in a while our eyes meet and I feel like there’s something there. It’s the connection I remember from years ago, when we were in love. Is it love again? Does he love me like I do him? I almost ask him if his opinion of me has changed, but I swallow the words. He doesn’t love me. When I look into his eyes I forget that simple fact. We’re perfect for one another. I wonder if he knows that. I could ask him, but then I already know how he feels about me. He’s already made it abundantly clear. The most we will ever be is friends and I am thankful that we have achieved even that. For the longest time I feared that he would be completely unable to forgive me and that we would be unable to even be the most platonic of friends, but we have finally reached the point where we are friends. We smile, joke, and work amicably together. The change between us is something I am grateful for because I have been able to forgive myself. I didn’t scar him forever. Ohh... I still think about you Do you think about me? I still think about you We walk down the hall talking about inconsequential things, laughing at each other’s jokes. Our eyes meet from time to time and for a moment the mirth seems to fade and something more serious takes hold, but as soon as the eye contact is broken, the mirth returns. I love Jag. I’ll always love him, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t be just friends. Hell, I love being his friend. Being anything to him is a million times better than being nothing. I don’t think that things will change between us, but that doesn’t mean I’ll ever stop hoping that he thinks about me the way I think about him. We reach the desired room and enter, only to find it devoid of life. Our banter ceases and we give each other an odd look. “The meeting was in F13 at 1400, wasn’t it?” I question. His crisp nod is the only answer I receive. After another three-count of standing in the doorway, I hop onto the table. “Well, I guess we can wait it out for a bit.” “It’s not like I have anything else planned,” he agrees, joining me on the table. We seem to have lost our voices because the room descends into an awkward silence. I glance at him out of the corner of my eye and I can tell it is unnerving him as much as me. I open my mouth to fill the silence with something, anything, but what I say was nothing like I had planned. “I love you.” My admission is met with a stunned silence, but before I can fix my blunder, his lips are upon mine. “I love you, too. I’ve always loved you.” Yeah... No matter where you go Just as sure as a cold wind blows I still think about you Do you think about me...? ** Hope you enjoyed.
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NightSword Registered: Jan '08	Date Posted: 4/10 5:58pm Subject: RE: I Still Think About You (J/J songfic, LOTF-ish AU, response to Hairband & First Sentence Challen
	first! Wow. That was amazingly emotional. I loved how you used Jaina's voice to tell the story. It was never a matter of love because I truly loved him, but I just couldn’t be the reason that he left his home and everything he’d ever known. I’m not worth that. My love for him was the reason that I ended it. ASSSS: Association of Self-Sacrificing Skywalkers and Solos I just woke up from the most wonderful dream. I dreamt of the times when Jag and I were together, back during the Vong war, when we were happy and in love. I hate to think about the way we are now. We haven’t truly spoken in years and we are millions of light-years away from the people we were back then. He was ever the hero, saving all who needed saving, and I was his Goddess, orchestrating anything and everything. We were young and in love, not to mention a bit naïve. We thought we would be together forever, made promises and dreamed of a life beyond the war. But what we got was nothing like what we had hoped for. Jag went back to the Unknown Regions and his work for the Chiss and I left the military in favor of my Jedi heritage. We left a thousand words unsaid between us and both departed with tears in our eyes, knowing that we had to let go. Forever hadn’t lasted as long as we had planned. So much emotion in this passage...amazing. Two kids, I like to think; one boy, one girl. The boy is the spitting image of his father, except for his brandy brown eyes, which he inherited from me. The girl looks nothing like her brother, taking most of the characteristics from my side of the family. If only my dreams were reality. Don't the Chiss get "occaisional flights of fancy" as well? Wonder what Jag would image his/Jaina's children to be like. “I love you,” I whisper to the empty room. There is no one there to hear my voice and I am thankful. This is a moment of weakness that I will punish myself for. Jagged Fel is no longer the man I knew and I have no right to love him. I stare at the closed door and clench my fists. I will be stronger than him. I will be more detached than him. I will give him a taste of his own medicine. If he truly wants to pretend that nothing ever happened between us, then I can too. I can do it better than him. This will be my last moment of weakness. I allow myself one last thought of my love for him and then I clamp down on my emotions. This will be a war of emotion and I refuse to lose. Love it when Jaina gets angry and lets her competitive nature come out. We reach the desired room and enter, only to find it devoid of life. Our banter ceases and we give each other an odd look. “The meeting was in F13 at 1400, wasn’t it?” I question. Were they just set up? I open my mouth to fill the silence with something, anything, but what I say was nothing like I had planned. “I love you.” My admission is met with a stunned silence, but before I can fix my blunder, his lips are upon mine. “I love you, too. I’ve always loved you.” YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -----signature----- ~NS The Face of a Warrior (LOTF Jaina, Jag, Zekk, Kyp, J/TK,H/L, Luke, OC's): http://boards.theforce.net/beyond_the_saga/b10477/28015465/p1
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jadesabre75 Registered: Nov '07	Date Posted: 4/10 6:40pm Subject: RE: I Still Think About You (J/J songfic, LOTF-ish AU, response to Hairband & First Sentence Challen
	WOO HOO! J/J MUSH! Ok, now that I have that out of my system. I loved this. It was such a great look into Jaina's psyche. Awesome! And you gave it a happy ending. Bless you! -----signature----- Stories are in my bio! Have at it! "Writers block is when your characters get tired of everything you do to them and go on strike." Lucky Member of the Jagateers: Jagateer of the Imperial Red Swim Trunks
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THE_PIED_PIPER Title: Chapter Rep Knoxville, TN Registered: Jun '06	Date Posted: 4/11 11:18am Subject: RE: I Still Think About You (J/J songfic, LOTF-ish AU, response to Hairband & First Sentence Challen
	This is absolutely fantastic, my friend. It moves, it expalins things and it is well written. I love the fact that it is written from Jaina's POV entirely! I love first person POV! Her thoughts on always loving Jag, are similar to what I suspect that Jaina Solo's have always been, an you captured the attitude that he had in Exile perfectly. By Inferno he was considerably warmer; of course he was perfectly justifided, being as though Jagged Fel does no wrong! Fantastic job! Kick -----signature----- "I'm going to be like Leia." - Me at age four "You're the Yen to my Yang." - My husband Roan Fel's badassery knows no bounds! Jagged Fel
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Solo_and_Fel Registered: Apr '04	Date Posted: 4/13 8:46pm Subject: RE: I Still Think About You (J/J songfic, LOTF-ish AU, response to Hairband & First Sentence Challen
	What an emotional stream-of-consciousness journey Jaina's been through in this. Very neatly done. -----signature----- "Hurling black lightning is one thing, but quoting Kyp Durron puts me lower than I ever expected to get." To Suffer & Be Strong: http://boards.theforce.net/Message.aspx?topic=28435487&brd=10477 Check profile for more fics.
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Chimpo_the_Sith Title: FanForce CR FF Poland Registered: Mar '03	Date Posted: 4/14 2:13am Subject: RE: I Still Think About You (J/J songfic, LOTF-ish AU, response to Hairband & First Sentence Challen
	Superb as always -----signature----- "I actually like Jaina/Jag best. Because they're such an imperfect fit, unstoppable force vs. unmoveable object, they challenge each other more and make one another cooler." Aaron Allston
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little_miss_jedi Registered: Aug '05	Date Posted: 4/30 1:48am Subject: RE: I Still Think About You (J/J songfic, LOTF-ish AU, response to Hairband & First Sentence Challen
	My entire day will be spent wrapped up in something else, but by the end of the night the only thing I can think about is how much I love him; how much I miss him. Thoughts of the future we could have had dance around my mind. awwww... NightSword posted: ASSSS: Association of Self-Sacrificing Skywalkers and Solos LOL! very nice work! I love it! if I'm not careful, i may abandon the J/Z bandwagon and hop on the J/J one! -----signature----- "You power crazed, obnoxious, ludicrous little jerk." Don't Go: http://boards.theforce.net/Message.aspx?topic=28203894&brd=10476&replies=0 Jacen? Caedus? Doesn't matter! I love him anyway!
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jacensolofangirl2007 Registered: Nov '07	Date Posted: 4/30 8:03am Subject: RE: I Still Think About You (J/J songfic, LOTF-ish AU, response to Hairband & First Sentence Challen
	that was amazing great stuff. -----signature----- discover you intellectual side and join the Jacen Solo fan club http://boards.theforce.net/eu_community/b10194/4379448/p337/?8401 Padawan to EarthKnight: We strive for a 100 in awesomeness. And if we get a 90, it's still cool.
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Jaina_and_Jag Registered: Apr '03	Date Posted: 5/8 5:10pm Subject: RE: I Still Think About You (J/J songfic, LOTF-ish AU, response to Hairband & First Sentence Challen
	This was voted the favorite of the entries from the Hairband Songfic Challenge. Thanks to all who voted! ** NightSword: first! Wow. That was amazingly emotional. I loved how you used Jaina's voice to tell the story. Thanks! I really love using Jaina’s voice to tell the story. Seriously. I really enjoy writing from the first person point of view. It’s refreshing and really helps to get into a character’s head. ASSSS: Association of Self-Sacrificing Skywalkers and Solos Too true!!! So much emotion in this passage...amazing. Don't the Chiss get "occaisional flights of fancy" as well? Wonder what Jag would image his/Jaina's children to be like. I think they do! Chiss aren’t inhuman! Wait…. that didn’t come out right. Love it when Jaina gets angry and lets her competitive nature come out. Me too! Competitive Jaina is wayyy cool! Were they just set up? YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Agreed. jadesabre75: WOO HOO! J/J MUSH! Ok, now that I have that out of my system. That’s never out of my system. I loved this. It was such a great look into Jaina's psyche. Awesome! And you gave it a happy ending. Bless you! haha. Thanks. I needed a happy ending. Too much sadness in the Star Wars universe nowadays. Kick: This is absolutely fantastic, my friend. It moves, it expalins things and it is well written. I love the fact that it is written from Jaina's POV entirely! Sheesh. I love first person POV! Me too! Her thoughts on always loving Jag, are similar to what I suspect that Jaina Solo's have always been, an you captured the attitude that he had in Exile perfectly. By Inferno he was considerably warmer; of course he was perfectly justifided, being as though Jagged Fel does no wrong! Agreed! Fantastic job! Thanks. Solo_and_Fel: What an emotional stream-of-consciousness journey Jaina's been through in this. Very neatly done. Thank you! Chimpo: Superb as always Thank you! little_miss_jedi: very nice work! I love it! if I'm not careful, i may abandon the J/Z bandwagon and hop on the J/J one! Thank you! And you should definitely do that. jacensolofangirl2007: that was amazing great stuff. Thanks.
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jadesabre75 Registered: Nov '07	Date Posted: 5/8 5:48pm Subject: RE: I Still Think About You (J/J songfic, LOTF-ish AU, April Hairband Challenge Winner!!)
	Jaina_and_Jag posted: This was voted the favorite of the entries from the Hairband Songfic Challenge. Thanks to all who voted! Congratulations! It was well deserved! ** -----signature----- Stories are in my bio! Have at it! "Writers block is when your characters get tired of everything you do to them and go on strike." Lucky Member of the Jagateers: Jagateer of the Imperial Red Swim Trunks
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Lola64 Registered: Mar '05	Date Posted: 5/21 5:51am Subject: RE: I Still Think About You (J/J songfic, LOTF-ish AU, April Hairband Challenge Winner!!)
	Wow. I'm very impressed with this. Great use of the first sentence, believable characterization of Jaina and her struggle with losing Jag only to have him return and be right there, but so unreachable. And of course, love the ending. Great job. -----signature----- Kyp/Nurse Lola: the new ship I stalk people. It's a Lola thing. Senator & Dozen 11 of the KDFC
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dancinut1080 Registered: May '08	Date Posted: 7/16 12:21pm Subject: RE: I Still Think About You (J/J songfic, LOTF-ish AU, April Hairband Challenge Winner!!)
	Wow, I just found this and it's amazing! You capture Jaina perfectly. Great Job! -----signature----- Why do I have the feeling you'll be the death of me? ~Obi-wan to Anakin Skywalker
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Goddess-Jaina-Redick Registered: May '05	Date Posted: 8/29 6:58pm Subject: RE: I Still Think About You (J/J songfic, LOTF-ish AU, April Hairband Challenge Winner!!)
	jadesabre75: You are too kind. Lola64: Yeesh, make a girl blush whydontya! I’m glad you enjoyed. dancinut1080: Thank you so much!! -----signature----- I <3 Duke.
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