| Author |
Topic:
The Church of Kyle
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Ulicus
Registered:
Jul '05
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Date Posted:
3/23/07 3:38am
Subject:
RE: The Church of Kyle
- Date Edited:
3/23/07 3:44am (2 edits total)
Edited By:
Ulicus
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Randy1012 posted:
Kylian Knights? Tres cool. 
So does every Kylian Knight get their own Bryar Pistol like the Jedi all get lightsabers? 
Indeed. Of course, the Bryar Pistols wielded by the Kylian Knights have nothing on the Bryar Pistol but that's to be expected.
Kylian Knights must also wear beards and shoulder pauldrons/pads at all times.
I'm thinking that we should have a hierarchy (beneath the Prophets and oracle and arbiter of course) like this:
Kylian Master: Either fifteen Kylian facts that show dedication and effort or five excellent Kylian facts.
Kylian Knight: From now on I think that the criteria should be at least ten Kylian facts in the Kyle Katarn facts thread. Effort is more important than how good they are but repetition of previous facts shall be frowned upon. It's pretty difficult to make decent ones these days since there have been so damn many.
Shoulderpadawan: From now on, five Kylian facts in the Kyle Katarn facts thread. Again, effort is more important than how good they're percieved to be.
Bristling: A neophyte in the Church of Kyle. Accepts the Beard, Pauldron and Pistol but does not yet know them truly.
And, if you think that the criteria are too high (I actually think they're very reasonable) and doubt my High Prophet credientials, I've collected together all the Kylian Facts I have contributed over the last months (I may collect together ALL the facts ever done by everyone so far for a post later one as well).
Some are rubbish, some are Norris knock offs, some are great:
Before the "Kyle Katarn is so tough..." thread:
Kenobi_Kid included these in in the first post of the first thread, for which I praise the Beard and thank Kyle. Half of them were Norris ripoffs.
There is no Sith Order. Just a list of Sith that Kyle Katarn allows to live.
Kyle Katarn died in Dark Forces 1. The grim reaper is too scared to tell him.
The Death Star was named after Kyle Katarn's right testicle
The Second Death Star was named after his left testicle
Kyle Katarn is referenced only once in the Star Wars Saga - this occurs when Palpatine fries Mace Windu with lightning.
Why did Vegere cross the road? She didn't, Kyle Katarn killed her.
Hyperspace exists because it's afraid to be in the same reality as Kyle Katarn
The Death Star laser was based on a schematic of Kyle Katarn's lightsaber
The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of Kyle Katarn
Kyle Katarn is a higher level than G-Canon
Posted for the first time in the Kyle Katarn is so tough... thread
Kyle Katarn doesn’t tie his shoes, they just know they better hang the **** on.
(Which I’ve decided, in hindsight, to change to: “Kyle Katarn’s shoulder pauldron isn’t attached, it just knows that it better hang the kark on”)
When Kyle Katarn enters a Tusken village, Tusken women and children kill themselves.
One day, Kyle Katarn was walking down a Mos Eisley street when he saw a hot twi’lek trying to cross at a busy intersection. As he was helping her across, a landspeeder came charging towards them. Kyle tossed the hot twi’lek to safety and placed his body directly in front of the landspeeder, stopping it instantly. He then proceeded to eat the landspeeder. Then he ate the hot twi’lek. Kyle Katarn never takes chances.
KotOR 2 says the Exile killed thousands of Mandalorians and Jedi with the Mass Shadow Generator at Malachor V. When Lucas asked Kyle Katarn what he thought about that, he said, "That's one way to do it." Lucas laughed at Kyle's wisdom, and said, "I knew you were going to say that."
Kyle Katarn cultivates a small population of outer-rim world orphans with brown hair so he can harvest them at a moments notice for his beard.
Kyle Katarn’s sperm is so fertile that a woman without ovaries, a uterus, or any reproductive organs is still guaranteed to become pregnant if she has sex with him.
The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of ***** (looks like "fussy") Kyle Katarn eats.
It is a valid theory that a black holes' gravitational pull is so intense that it can bend light. However, it is also a known fact that any punch or jab delivered by Kyle Katarn will break light's neck.
Every time someone wins the Duelling Championship on Taris, the corporate office must, by Tarisan law, send an official letter to Kyle Katarn reminding him that the match was scripted. If this does not happen even once, Kyle Katarn will destroy every duelist that has ever existed.
Kyle Katarn does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Kyle Katarn goes killing.
Kyle Katarn never physically touches people. He simply tells them to be hurt, and they are.
Kyle Katarn only got a cameo in the NJO series because the writers knew it wouldn’t be realistic for a war to last that long if Kyle was involved.
The Rebellion offered Kyle Katarn 20 billion credits to capture and kill the Emperor but he declined due to the "lack of compounds filled with dark jedi ninjas".
Kyle Katarn does not stick it to the Man. He is the Man.
Almost all of the Lego design team was lost when they attempted to dismantle a life-size replica of Kyle Katarn they had built.
At the assault on the Jedi Temple, it was Kyle Katarn that killed the masters. He told Anakin to "take care of the kids". When he found out Anakin had actually killed the kids, he impersonated Obi-Wan Kenobi, travelled to Mustafar and kicked his ass.
If ever you have a day when you feel that the gods are against you, just be glad that Kyle Katarn isn't.
If Kyle Katarn is late, time better slow the **** down.
Kyle Katarn's beard has a beard
Only a Sith deals in absolutes:- getting absolutely ****ed by Kyle Katarn.
Kyle Katarn drinks a special shake every morning for breakfast, the ingredients of which include blue milk, hot chocolate, a sprinkle of Anakin Skywalker's cremated remains (the armour anyway), and two fetuses. He says the fetuses make it extra creamy.
Kyle Katarn is like the Ring. Once you see him, you are already dead.
Kyle Katarn never reads menus when eating at a restaurant. Whatever he orders, they better make it.
If it weren't for Kyle Katarn's sex drive the GFFA would not be able to re-populate itself from all the killings of Kyle Katarn.
Kyle Katarn opened the blast doors
Kyle Katarn can cast a shadow in the dark
Kyle Katarn recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Hot Chocolate.
Kyle Katarn can no longer see himself in the mirror because the first time he did, he killed his own reflection.
There's only one way to skin a stormtrooper because Kyle Katarn has a patent on the other 1138.
Kyle Katarn once ripped a rancor in half just to see who it had for lunch
Kyle Katarn killed Dumbledore.
Revan was.... power... it was like staring at a pale imitation of Kyle Katarn.
When Qui-Gon Jinn asked Shmi Skywalker "Who was his father?", of Anakin, the answer he expected was "Kyle Katarn".
Morgan Katarn was not Kyle Katarn's biological father. That honour goes to a scientist named Jor-El, who sent his favourite son, Kye-El, back through time to the planet Sulon to escape the destruction of his homeworld.
Kyle Katarn can make the "Are you an angel?" chat up line work. Hell, he invented it.
Behind every great man is a good woman. Behind every good woman is Kyle Katarn. (Did I hear that somewhere else?
There is no such thing as G-Canon. The correct term is the G-Cannon, and it's the name of Kyle's Bryar pistol.
Kyle shot. First, last, second... It doesn't matter. You're dead.
Jedi Knight Directors Cut
Qu Rahn: [i]If Jerec captures this power, he will be a creature such as the universe has never seen. A supernova of stars in a fleeting thought. The eradication of life from a star system in a whisper will be within his power.
Kyle: A creature the universe has 'never seen'?
Qu Rahn: Holy sh-, I'm so sorry Kyle, I don't know what I was thinking...
Kyle: Yeah, yeah, just get it right next time before I bust your ghostly ass.
Rebel: Imperial troops have entered the base! Repeat, imperial troops have entered the base!
Other Rebel: Captain Katarn, report to base immediately, captain Katarn, report to base immediately.
Imperials: Why the HELL did we enter the base? Why the HELL did we enter the ba-aragh!
Kyle Katarn had two children, Ashla and Bogan Katarn. Though both powerful in their own right, the pair were but pale imitations of their father and so fled back through time to a point where he did not exist. They managed to amass many followers in this age before myth, and are today known as the light and dark sides of the Force. Kyle stills owns both.
When a Jedi goes badass, they turn to the dark side. When the dark side goes badass, it turns to Kyle Katarn.
Wookies call the Katarn "The Old Prince". They call Kyle Katarn "Lord and Master".
SephycloneNo15: Alderaan is a pacifist planet because they figured without weapons, no one would accidentally shoot at Kyle and get them all killed. They met a much kinder fate at the hands of Tarkin.
Ulicus: True, to the point that Obi-Wan's true comments on the destruction of Alderaan were as follows:
"It was as if millions of voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced... I fear an Alderaanian shot at Kyle Katarn."
General Greivous told Anakin he expected someone of his reputation to be taller to spare his feelings. What he actually expected was someone a little less clean shaven.
Kyle Katarn only entered into "reciprocal apprenticeship" with Mara Jade because he thought it was a sexual position. Not long after, so did she.
Many bothans died to bring the Rebellion the detailed information on the Second Death Star. Not because they had to, but because Kyle Katarn would be damned if he was going to share the credit again.
It is said that the second and third drafts of the script for A New Hope involved "the Kiber Crystal". This is in fact, incorrect, and based off a dodgy phone conversation with George Lucas. The ACTUAL device that amplified one's Force powers a thousand fold was the "Bryar Pistol".
Kevin J Anderson is actually a brilliant writer, he simply refuses to write about anyone but Kyle Katarn. Problems only arise when the continuity guys change the name to match whichever character he SHOULD be writing about. This has led to many characters performing feats that they shouldn't have been capable of, such as moving moons and forcing suns to implode.
Vin Disel is an anagram of "I end lives". Wow. Kyle Katarn is an an anagram of "Kyle Katarn", which is a billion times scarier.
Jerec wasn't a miraluka, he just lost a staring contest with Kyle Katarn. Wait, actually, he just looked at him funny.
a knows p if and only if:
1) p
2) a believes p
3) a is justified in believing p
4) Kyle Katarn said a knows p
Darth Cerus: I had something about Kyle tying in with Dr. Evazan having the death sentence in twelve systems but it was lame. Anyone care to expand on that?
Ulicus: Dr. Evazan had the death sentence in twelve systems. Kyle Katarn WAS the death sentence in twelve systems.
Motti: Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, nor given you hormones enough to grow a mighty beard."
Tarkin: "Evacuate, in our moment of triumph? I think you overestimate the chances of Kyle Katarn flying amongst them."
Kyle's ability to speak makes other people intelligent.
C-3P0: Is there anything I can do sir?
Luke: Not unless you can alter time, speed up the harvest or teleport me off this rock.
C-3PO: I'm not Kyle Katarn, sir.
[comm is blinking, Han hits the button]
Han Solo: Uh, everything's under control. Situation normal.
Voice: What happened?
Han Solo: Uh, Kyle Katarn?
[winces]
Voice: We're sending a- oh wait. No, your story checks out.
Kyle Katarn: Remember, no Force power is inherently good or evil. It's how you use them.
G-Canon: Actually I think you'll find...
Kyle Katarn: It. Is. How. You. USE. Them.
G-Canon: [shrinks away] Y-yes Kyle...
Fighter, from 8-Bit Theater, is a red-dyed hair from Kyle's beard given intelligence.. uh, not a lot of intelligence mind you.
Jedi call it the "mind trick", Kyle calls it "speaking".
Posted in the later "Kyle Katarn Facts" thread:
"Taral" is ancient Sith for "Will be whipped by Kyle Katarn"
Kyle Katarn once visited the "Cloak of the Sith" region. It is now the "Cloak" region (I posted this in the second Kyle thread, though I may have read it in the original Kyle thread…)
Kyle Katarn's first lightsaber worked underwater. Not because Rahn built it that way, but because it was too damn scared not to.
Ever wonder why Jason Court didn't make a return appearance? Because NOBODY plays Kyle Katarn
Kyle Katarn's beard has the death sentence in twelve systems
Tenel Ka learnt the hard way that you don't give Kyle Katarn a handjob
Malak learnt the hard way that you don't give Kyle Katarn a bl... actually, let's not go there.
When Kyle goes to Candy Mountain he doesn't lose a kidney.
Step one:
Cut a hole in the box
Step two:
Kyle's junk don't fit in the box
Step three:
Give up on the box
And that's how you learn Kyle's **** don't fit in a box.
Kyle Katarn once made a penrose triangle out of clay.
Kyle Katarn built a wall around his home so high that not even he could jump it. Then he jumped it.
Kyle Katarn was originally cast as the lead in George Lucas' first incarnation of Star Wars, a television series entitled: "Skywalker, Jedi Ranger".
Though a pilot episode was filmed, it was never aired due to the high proportion of shell shock cases reported in test audiences. There were also several instances of spontaneous combustion and a single virgin birth (bearded octuplets).
As such, the show was canned, and Lucas switched his focus to film. Kyle Katarn, having made his point, left the project.
Even so, Star Wars went on to become a huge success and, not long after, Katarn ran into his replacement, Mark Hamill.
The media reported it as a car crash.
Carlsberg don't endorse Star Wars characters but if they did, it'd probably be Kyle Katarn.
Obi-Wan: ... it surrounds us, it binds us, it penetrates us: it binds the galaxy together.
Luke: Great Ben. Now can we move on from Kyle Katarn's wang and get back to my Jedi training?
Without preparation time, Batman is butchered by Kyle Katarn.
With preparation time, Batman wins.... Wins a slow and painful death that is.
In TTT as it originally stood, the command given to Mara Jade Skywalker by the Emperor was "YOU MUST KILL KYLE KATARN!" Lucas vetoed this idea, as he felt it overly pessimistic to have Zahn finish off his trilogy with a book entitled: "The First, Last and Only Command."
The sarlacc was Kyle's tapeworm.
Wow... that made me all nostaligic...
But yes that's 85-90ish... and at least ten of those were good
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Recipient of Golden Ewok™ and Golden EwokTrooper™
Trip Cares
I think the whole point of KotOR II was that Kreia realised she was in a work of fiction
I want a Freedon Nadd comic.
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SephyCloneNo15
Registered:
Apr '05
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Date Posted:
3/23/07 9:28am
Subject:
RE: The Church of Kyle
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Wow, that takes me back.
Heh heh, an Alderaanian shot at Kyle.
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"Samuel L. Jackson isn't only a fine actor, but a gamer. He's one of us." ~ Kotaku
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Randy1012
Registered:
Jan '07
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Date Posted:
3/23/07 11:52am
Subject:
RE: The Church of Kyle
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I think that's pretty fair criteria. I've been trying to come up with Kyle Facts, but I can't think of any good original ones. 
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What can I say? I'm a talented individual.
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ARC-77
Registered:
Mar '06
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Date Posted:
3/23/07 12:24pm
Subject:
RE: The Church of Kyle
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Seems pretty fair to me. I'm noly one short of a Shoulderpadawan. Katarn willing I can think of another. 
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Arvel Crynyd didn't crash into the bridge of the Executor. Kyle threw his A-Wing at it. -CernStormrunner Antilles/Celchu '08  Summon bigger fish.
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Havac
Title: Lit Mod of War
Registered:
Sep '05
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Date Posted:
3/23/07 10:03pm
Subject:
RE: The Church of Kyle
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Whatever. I've posted enough. We should dig up the thread that started the Pauldronism and link to that too.
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"Have you not yet learned, Executor, that everything I tell you is the truth?" - Vergere
Recipient of Thrawn McEwok's Sexually Ambiguous Tusken Raider™ and a Special Golden Ewok™
"Reality doesn't care if you believe it." - Boba Fett
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SephyCloneNo15
Registered:
Apr '05
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Date Posted:
3/24/07 1:07pm
Subject:
RE: The Church of Kyle
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I think we should link to every thread where a Kylism has been uttered. 
-----signature-----
Member: GDG, GMG. Sub-GM: CDG
Zam Wessel Lives!
Recipient of Thrawn McEwok's Squib Creations Limited-Edition Replica Glove of Darth Vader™
"Samuel L. Jackson isn't only a fine actor, but a gamer. He's one of us." ~ Kotaku
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Barriss_Coffee
Registered:
Jun '03
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Date Posted:
3/24/07 2:54pm
Subject:
RE: The Church of Kyle
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I've noticed Kylisms have been popping up on threads more frequently these days... hmmmm... 
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Sadow '08
"...he shall be referred to from now on as Nuteray Gunpants." - R_Zion
Senator of the Disciples of Lady Lumiya and Lord Shadowspawn
26 Days until LSATSOM!
SAN HILL LIVES!
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ARC-77
Registered:
Mar '06
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Date Posted:
3/24/07 6:41pm
Subject:
RE: The Church of Kyle
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Barriss_Coffee posted:
I've noticed Kylisms have been popping up on threads more frequently these days... hmmmm...
The Bearded One's influence is spreading! 
-----signature-----
Arvel Crynyd didn't crash into the bridge of the Executor. Kyle threw his A-Wing at it. -CernStormrunner Antilles/Celchu '08 Summon bigger fish.
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Havac
Title: Lit Mod of War
Registered:
Sep '05
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Date Posted:
3/24/07 9:48pm
Subject:
RE: The Church of Kyle
- Date Edited:
3/24/07 9:50pm (1 edits total)
Edited By:
Havac
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Oh, incidentally, this thread?
(Anyone who can top my meager skills, please do. Because when it comes to my image manipulation ability . . .
 )
-----signature-----
"Have you not yet learned, Executor, that everything I tell you is the truth?" - Vergere
Recipient of Thrawn McEwok's Sexually Ambiguous Tusken Raider™ and a Special Golden Ewok™
"Reality doesn't care if you believe it." - Boba Fett
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Barriss_Coffee
Registered:
Jun '03
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Date Posted:
3/24/07 10:02pm
Subject:
RE: The Church of Kyle
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As Prophet of Destruction, I was recently fortunate enough to get my hands on a copy of the sacred Journal of the Kills. For those of you who aren't familiar with these legends, they were created by a species Kyle has since laid waste to. Henceforth, they have only been known as "the Kills." These pseudo-prophets wrote a book prophetisizing some of the future adventures of Kyle. It's quite a glorious epic, although many of the events have not yet come to play. (Supposedly Kyle killed them all since they invested in cheap binding material for their sacred Journal, and they mis-prophetized quite a few important tales).
Anyway, I thought I'd share a chapter of one version of The Extinction, the tale of Kyle's epic war against Waru and Chuck Norris. (There are several versions of The Extinction; since the event has yet to take place, this might not be the true story).
The Extinction began when Kyle heard of Waru.
(Is this the only picture of Waru in existence? Time to get a better one from the Journal...)
(Behold! Waru! In all of his golden globby granduer!)
Kyle didn't give a damn about Waru at first, but then he began hearing word of cults forming in the name of the Great Golden Glob. When he heard the cultists claim Waru could cure dying children with his mucus, and that he could transverse universes in a single bound, Kyle began to getted miffed. When he heard Waru was claiming to have the power of a Bryar pistol, the strength of a single shoulderpad, and more scales than Kyle had hair on his beard (which is not a known fact, mind you), he decided it was high time to kick Waru's butteus maximus to the ends of the universe.
And kick it, he did. Their battle took them to a galaxy far, far away. Eventually the two agreed to end their dispute in a match of skillz. And what better match of skillz is there then.....
IRON CHEF!!!
(Note, Kyle is not an "iron" chef as much as he is the only "cortosis" chef in existence)
Needless to say, Waru was slaughtered. Quite literally.
Billions of viewers watched the competition in awe, but only one of them dared to oppose Kyle still. This man was the true nemisis of Kyle Katarn. This man was... Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris and Kyle decided to fight an epic Duel of Fates on the only planet worth fighting on.
(This is the one time the Battle of Hoth didn't get old)
Of course, Chuck didn't have a chance. Kyle only used his lightsaber at the beginning of the battle to scare Norris into submission. Then he took out the cavalry.
Folks sang songs and made ballads dedicated to the Execution of two of Kyle's greatest foes. But in the end, Kyle decided to bring ol' Waru and Chuck back from the dead, since the universe was getting boring without some decent targets to let loose his Bryar on.
In time, Waru's name was almost forgetten. Although he did try to salvage it a few times through some marketing endeavours.
Chuck Norris, unfortunately, wasn't so lucky.
 
Thus ends epic of the Execution.
-----signature-----
Sadow '08
"...he shall be referred to from now on as Nuteray Gunpants." - R_Zion
Senator of the Disciples of Lady Lumiya and Lord Shadowspawn
26 Days until LSATSOM!
SAN HILL LIVES!
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SephyCloneNo15
Registered:
Apr '05
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Date Posted:
3/25/07 3:41pm
Subject:
RE: The Church of Kyle
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Well, you're welcome, EU Community. I just saved y'all from certain doom. Kyle's Church fell to page two, and no one devalues Kyle or His Church without suffereing greatly for it. Katarn is not as forgiving as I am.
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Zam Wessel Lives!
Recipient of Thrawn McEwok's Squib Creations Limited-Edition Replica Glove of Darth Vader™
"Samuel L. Jackson isn't only a fine actor, but a gamer. He's one of us." ~ Kotaku
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JEDI-KILLER_17
Registered:
May '05
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Date Posted:
3/25/07 7:04pm
Subject:
RE: The Church of Kyle
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CoK....
Hmm at least the Church of Waru's acronym isn't dirty.
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I have a bad feeling about this...
Church of Waru Organist and Music Director
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Sith-Lord-Gunray
Registered:
Aug '03
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Date Posted:
3/26/07 12:12am
Subject:
RE: The Church of Kyle
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*nude san hill streaks through thread*
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Paint your ass like Rembrandt!
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Evil_King_Wiggins
Registered:
Aug '03
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Date Posted:
3/26/07 1:42am
Subject:
RE: The Church of Kyle
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Alright, that's enough streaking for one thread. 
Here's a Roster update...
Kylian Knights -
Randy1012
Sinrebirth
Shoulderpadawans -
Bristlings -
Darth_wonderguard
s65horsey
MASTERPRENN
Nemuro
ARC-77
HwarangKnight
GeithJiseo2
SWBob
VIII
I really think the last one should be "Pauldron Pals".
Evil.
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» My icons ( http://evilkingwiggins.proboards19.com/index.cgi?board=general ) » "Dude, you're pumping yourself full of way too much liquid self-pity. Try the tablets. They taste better." » "Your female Chiss icon makes my peepee tingle" - Jon_Goodfellow
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Ganner_The_Hero
Registered:
Apr '03
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Date Posted:
3/26/07 5:53am
Subject:
RE: The Church of Kyle
- Date Edited:
3/26/07 5:55am (1 edits total)
Edited By:
Ganner_The_Hero
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SephyCloneNo15 posted:
Well, you're welcome, EU Community. I just saved y'all from certain doom. Kyle's Church fell to page two, and no one devalues Kyle or His Church without suffereing greatly for it. Katarn is not as forgiving as I am.
Yes, don't ever let it happen again.
-----signature-----
Kyle Katarn: "The Dark Side? I've been there. Do your worst."
The Prophet of Doom of the Church of Kyle
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