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Topic:
Community Fan Film Clearinghouse*** Our own offsite message board? Cool!
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LLL
Title: TFN Fan Fiction Archive Editor
Registered:
Jul '00
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Date Posted:
5/24 11:38am
Subject:
RE: Community Fan Film Clearinghouse-- In the homestretch, we are. Take it away, RX_Sith!!
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You know what my biggest worry is? We have one more part and then a finale. But the story feels like it's still just getting going rather than winding up. I just feel like there's another 30 or 40 pages, aside from what's still to come, that could easily be put in there. In fact it might even give the story a better pace. The droids adventure just seems a little to linear. The only time he goes off course or the prospect of failing comes into play is when he's captured by the thieves near the beginning. Sure, there are a couple of space fights later on, but it's all a little too straight forward.
This is exactly the kind of thing I was thinking about.
BUT, I think we need to get some permission from all the organizers to expand the scope any. The writers aren't the ones making the movie. If the people making the movie say they can't do more than 60 pages, then they can't do more than 60 pages.
Filmies??
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''Overall, to get a real deep, nuanced understanding of human behaviour, art is the best way.'' --Natalie Portman. Have a question or suggestion for the Archive? PM me anytime. 
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DarthIshtar
Title: Former CR
Star Wars Trivia Hostess
Registered:
Mar '01
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Date Posted:
5/24 11:41am
Subject:
RE: Community Fan Film Clearinghouse-- In the homestretch, we are. Take it away, RX_Sith!!
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Exactly. Much as we want to make this a huge production, we definitely need to cater to the people actually doing the filming, production, etc.
-----signature-----
"You are some self-important encyclopedia with too much time on his hands. I will see to it personally that you are used for spare parts every time my speeder needs an overhaul. You and that overpriced forklift out there." ~Dr. Bel Maden
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RX_Sith
Registered:
Mar '06
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Date Posted:
5/24 9:35pm
Subject:
RE: Community Fan Film Clearinghouse-- In the homestretch, we are. Take it away, RX_Sith!!
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Okay. This is a synopsis of what I will be writing. Let me know if it looks all good. I already have 4 pages done.
Part I
Bel Maden and Imperial Captain discuss having a bounty hunter get the microchip back. (Mystery person in background).
Part II
The Solar Flare has been sabotaged by Bel Maden's men (when they were on Bestine IV) making the ship come out of hyperspace not at Naboo.
Part III
Bounty Hunter boards Solar Flare at area set up for Solar Flare to exit hyperspace.
Part IV
Mystery person (same one in Part I shows up (I don't want to spoil this yet).
Part V
Space battle
Part VI
Solar Flare manages to escape from space battle (maybe not without some kind of damage or consequences though).
Part VII
Larson and Bot return to Naboo (maybe with others).
-----signature-----
Chief of Staff - The SWC Rebel Scum
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DarthIshtar
Title: Former CR
Star Wars Trivia Hostess
Registered:
Mar '01
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Date Posted:
5/25 3:47pm
Subject:
RE: Community Fan Film Clearinghouse-- In the homestretch, we are. Take it away, RX_Sith!!
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Sounds like a good skeleton plan.
-----signature-----
"You are some self-important encyclopedia with too much time on his hands. I will see to it personally that you are used for spare parts every time my speeder needs an overhaul. You and that overpriced forklift out there." ~Dr. Bel Maden
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RX_Sith
Registered:
Mar '06
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Date Posted:
5/25 6:08pm
Subject:
RE: Community Fan Film Clearinghouse-- In the homestretch, we are. Take it away, RX_Sith!!
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When are we coming up with a name for BOT? Are we suppose to maybe give suggestions? Or do you already have a name picked out?
P.S.
I am now up to 8 pages of script.
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Chief of Staff - The SWC Rebel Scum
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Jedsithor
Registered:
Oct '05
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Date Posted:
5/25 6:11pm
Subject:
RE: Community Fan Film Clearinghouse-- In the homestretch, we are. Take it away, RX_Sith!!
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I say wait until we have a solid idea of what the droid will look like.
it's bipedal...has retractable finger plates that reveal computer connection devices and has a compartment in its chest. That's about all we know right now.
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DVCPRO-HDeditor
Registered:
Nov '06
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Date Posted:
5/25 8:57pm
Subject:
RE: Community Fan Film Clearinghouse-- In the homestretch, we are. Take it away, RX_Sith!!
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RX_Sith posted:
Okay. This is a synopsis of what I will be writing. Let me know if it looks all good. I already have 4 pages done.
Outline looks good. Now, let's see what it's like all fleshed out and wordy. 
As for the story growing beyond the original concept: I'm all for having more material than is necessary. It's easier to edit out a subplot than it is to force one into place where it didn't exist before.
-----signature-----
Editing out of the dailies. http://artists.ultimate-guitar.com/projectfreunleven/music/albums/321447 How about a magic trick? I can make a pencil disappear.
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DarthIshtar
Title: Former CR
Star Wars Trivia Hostess
Registered:
Mar '01
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Date Posted:
5/25 9:40pm
Subject:
RE: Community Fan Film Clearinghouse-- In the homestretch, we are. Take it away, RX_Sith!!
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Good point. Thanks for the feedback.
-----signature-----
"You are some self-important encyclopedia with too much time on his hands. I will see to it personally that you are used for spare parts every time my speeder needs an overhaul. You and that overpriced forklift out there." ~Dr. Bel Maden
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RX_Sith
Registered:
Mar '06
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Date Posted:
5/26 3:43pm
Subject:
RE: Community Fan Film Clearinghouse-- In the homestretch, we are. Take it away, RX_Sith!!
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DVCPRO-HDeditor posted:
Outline looks good. Now, let's see what it's like all fleshed out and wordy.
Well, now I am on page 14 and I still haven't had the main space battle yet (even though I had a minor one). I've managed to do the following so far:
INT. EXSANGUINATOR – BRIDGE
CAPTAIN NARCAM
What do you want?
BEL MADEN
I need you to go after a ship that just left from here; the Solar Flare.
CAPTAIN
Why?
BEL MADEN
They have in their possession a secret microchip that has sensitive Imperial information on it. It could jeopardize the entire Imperial network. Also, they have stolen medical supplies for the Naboovian Plague. Those supplies are of the upmost importance for the citizens of Naboo.
CAPTAIN NARCAM
How did they get the microchip and the medical supplies?
BEL MADEN
They came to the Med Center on a ruse here on Bestine IV. They forcefully acquired the microchip and the medical supplies. Both are in their possession. There recovery must be handled discreetly.
CAPTAIN
I know of a few bounty hunters who can handle your request. It will cost you plenty though.
BEL MADEN
I understand. All I want is the microchip back and the medical supplies to be transported to Naboo. Money is of no object. The bounty hunter that you select will be compensated greatly.
CAPTAIN NARCAM
I am going to need at least most of the money up front; you know, for me as well.
BEL MADEN
Very well; I will send it by transmission within five minutes. Also, there is one of thing that you should know. I have had the ship’s navicomputer altered to stop the Solar Flare at The Graveyard.
CAPTAIN
I will await the arrival of your transmission of the credits that I will require; in the meantime, I will contact the bounty hunters to see which ones will accept your offer and rendezvous with the escaped ship first at The Graveyard.
INT. EXSANGUINATOR – HOLOGRAM ROOM
An image of a bounty hunter clad in glistening white armor along with a towering Wookiee are seen in the background.
CAPTAIN NARCAM
Do you understand the request? You are to get the microchip back at all costs and transport the medical supplies to Naboo. Disintegrations are authorized.
TINIAN I’ATT
I understand. Chenlambec and I will accept your offer. Awaiting transmission of the agreed credits.
CAPTAIN NARCAM
Transmitting.
CHENLAMBEC
(in Shyriiwook) 20,000 credits. That must be a very serious microchip and medical supplies.
TINIAN I’ATT
That’s what I’m worried about. (to Captain) The agreed credits have been received. It’s been a pleasure doing business with you Captain.
CAPTAIN NARCAM
(grunts to the holoscreen as he switches it off and brings up another different image)
Have you heard everything that transpired?
UNKNOWN VOICE
I have. You have done well ADMIRAL NARCAM….
ADMIRAL NARCAM
(sneers with a wide grin) I know… I know.
INT. SOLAR FLARE – COCKPIT
Outside is the familiar backdrop of stars racing by in hyperspace. LARSON is in the pilot’s chair, nervously drumming his fingers and biting his lip. BOT is sitting in the navigator’s chair, watching LARSON attentively.
BOT
The harmonics resonating from your finger tapping sinuously reverberates with the hum of the engines.
LARSON
Huh? (notices that he is drumming his fingers) Did anyone ever tell you that you are too caustic?
BOT
Never, Captain. I was merely observing your pattern of resonance with the harm….
LARSON
(cuts off BOT) Stow it, Buckethead. If I wanted a theological explanation of my….
All of a sudden the ship lurches out of hyperspace.
LARSON
What the….
The ship emerges in The Graveyard, where the remnants of Alderaan float all around the vessel.
LARSON
How did we get here? (looks at the navicomputer) I know that the coordinates I laid in were correct for our destination to Naboo.
BOT
(searches the navicomputer as well) It seems that the coordinates have been altered, Captain.
LARSON
By who? (realizes that Bel Maden must have ordered some of his men to sabotage his ship) I am going to get back at that no good doctor.
BOT
Our utmost concern at the moment should be the restoration of the hyperdrive.
LARSON
Really, Buckethead. (smacks forehead) Gosh, why didn’t I think of that! Now, come on! We need to fix this ship before something else happens.
All of a sudden another sudden lurch happens to the ship.
BOT
I think something happened.
LARSON
(looks outside the ship and sees another ship (The Hound’s Tooth) pulling up alongside the Solar Flare) Could things get any worse?
EXT. SPACE – HOUND’S TOOTH AND SOLAR FLARE
We see The Hound’s Tooth attach itself to the top of the Solar Flare. A latching takes place and footsteps are heard in the background.
BOT
Any suggestions, Captain?
LARSON
Yeah, put our hands up and hope that they don’t kill us.
BOT
That is not too reassuring.
A huge wookiee and a figure clad in white armor board the Solar Flare.
TINIAN I’ATT
(to Chenlambec) You go to the pilot’s seat. I’ll search the vessel.
CHENLAMBEC
(in Shyriiwook) Alright, don’t take too long.
CHENLAMBEC strolls off towards the pilot’s seat while TINIAN I’ATT searches the ship for the microchip and the medical supplies. She finds the medical supplies rather easily near the end of the boarded ship.
TINIAN
That was too easy. (to CHENLAMBEC in her commlink) I’ve recovered the medical supplies. I still haven’t located any of the crew. Be on the lookout.
CHENLAMBEC
(in Shyriiwook on the commlink) Aren’t I always?
TINIAN I’ATT procedes back to the area where she and Chenlambec first boarded the vessel. She places the supplies down and catches out the corner of her eye LARSON who rushes at her. He grabs her around the waist and tackles her to the floor. She wrestles with him with her blaster drawn as LARSON holds onto it as well for dear life. All of a sudden a furry creature grabs LARSON off of TINIAN I’ATT and throws him against the bulkhead. He shakes the cobwebs loose as he sees the duo of bounty hunters with their blasters aimed squarely at him.
TINIAN
(pointing to CHENLAMBEC) One more false move and my pal here will disintegrate you.
LARSON
(pointing at the medical supplies) Okay, you’ve got what you came from. Now, please leave.
TINIAN
I was also instructed to get a microchip. Where is it?
LARSON
Microchip? I don’t have a microchip. All I took was the medical supplies. Honest.
TINIAN
(nodding to CHENLAMBEC) Look, buddy, my associate over here doesn’t take kindly to being lied to. If you don’t tell me where that microchip is within the next 10 SECONDS, you’re a dead man!
LARSON
Okay. Okay. I’ll give it to you. Just give me a moment to go get it.
TINIAN
Okay, lead the way, buster. But, one false move and you won’t live to tell about it, if you catch my drift.
LARSON
I do. Please follow me. (motions for the duo to follow him).
TINIAN and CHENLAMBEC follow LARSON towards the cargo area of the SOLAR FLARE. He stops there amongst a bunch of cargo boxes that fill up the cargo hold.
LARSON
(stroking his chin) Now, which box did I put that microchip in?
CHENLAMBEC fires a grazing shot at LARSON’s shoulder that causes him to fall to the cargo hold on his knees.
LARSON
Ow! That hurt!
TINIAN
This is your last chance, Spacer. Either show us which box the microchip is in or next time my associate’s aim will be lethal.
CHENLAMBEC grabs LARSON to his feet.
LARSON
(Walks gingerly towards the center of the cargo hold). NOW! (he shouts)
Before the two Bounty Hunters can fire at him, he ducks behind a cargo box while a huge cargo box lands on top of the two Bounty Hunters. They are smashed to the ground and their weapons snap away from them. LARSON quickly grabs their weapons as CHENLAMBEC lifts the large box off the top of him and TINIAN I’ATT.
LARSON
Nice work, BOT. (to the two Bounty Hunters) Now, what were you saying about my next false move?
TINIAN
I promise you, buster. You have just sealed your doom.
CHENLAMBEC now has the cargo box steadied over his huge frame. TINIAN I’ATT steps out from under the box.
LARSON
It’s not nice to be on the receiving end; is it?
TINIAN
You know the saying that a Wookiee can pull your arms out of your sockets; well I am going to have him pull yours off after I have him smash you to pieces!
BOT
I am sorry that we had to resort to violence to continue our objective.
TINIAN
Oh, and he’ll pull the arms out of your droids’ sockets as well!
LARSON
Now you’re getting nasty.
TINIAN
Oh, believe me; once I say the word, nasty won’t even as bad as it gets for you and Tincan there.
LARSON
His name is BOT and mine is LARSON; LARSON ZELL.
TINIAN
Well, Larson Zell, it’s been nice knowing you. (talks to CHENLAMBEC in Shyriwook) Smash them now!
CHENLAMBEC throws the cargo box at LARSON and BOT. LARSON quickly fires at the cargo box with the rifle that he picked up. The blast disintegrates the large cargo box.
LARSON
Nice try there, babe; one more false move by you two and I’ll disintegrate you both.
All of a sudden the ship lurches again. Everyone falls to the ground. LARSON loses his grip on the disintegration rifle. TINIAN quickly grabs hold of it and points it squarely at LARSON and BOT as they get to their feet. The ship again lurches to its’ side and a ripping sound is heard in the cargo area. LARSON quickly runs for the exit of the cargo hold while pushing BOT ahead of him.
LARSON
Hurry up BOT! (he seals the cargo hold behind him and flicks a switch). That will hold them for a little while. Come on! We need to get to the cockpit and see what is happening!
LARSON and BOT race to the cockpit and see THE HOUNDS TOOTH now directly in front of the SOLAR FLARE. They see BOSSK, the Bounty Hunter now at the controls.
LARSON
This doesn’t look good.
BOSSK
I have finally reclaimed my stolen ship! TINIAN I’ATT and CHENLAMBEC are going to pay for taking it from my possession!
LARSON
I have them sealed up in my cargo hold. You can have them if you want.
BOSSK
They are of no use to the Bounty Hunter Guild now!
THE HOUND’S TOOTH powers up its weapons and fires at the SOLAR FLARE. A huge explosion is heard in the cargo area which ruptures away from the ship. LARSON sees the cargo hold floating away from the ship. THE HOUND’S TOOTH again shoots at the cargo hold which explodes in a fiery blast.
LARSON
Alright! You blew them up. Now, please let me go!
BOSSK
I’m afraid that I cannot do that. You have a microchip and some stolen medical supplies in your possession. I am giving you ONE minute to hand them both over.
LARSON
It’s going to take longer than ONE minute. My ship is now a wreck thanks to you. It’s going to take a little time to search for both items now!
BOSSK
FORTY-FIVE SECONDS and counting.
LARSON
(turning to BOT) I am going to try something. Hang on for dear life.
LARSON and BOT buckle themselves securely in.
BOSSK
THIRTY SECONDS and counting. Your time is almost up.
THE HOUND’S TOOTH again charges up it weapons.
LARSON
(to BOT) Okay, here we go.
THE SOLAR FLARE ignites in a huge blazing trail that blinds surrounding area. THE HOUND’S TOOTH fires away at the vacated space blasting away some nearby floating rubble from the cargo bay.
BOSSK
Where did they go? (Sees a huge fiery trail that leads into the floating remains of Alderaan). You won’t get far, Zell.
THE SOLAR FLARE is anchored to a large piece of debris. All of its systems are powered off. Zell and BOT look out the cockpit window as they see THE HOUND’S TOOTH pass by their location.
LARSON
Not too bad of an escape if I say so myself.
TINIAN I’ATT
I wouldn’t gloat too much, Zell.
LARSON
I thought that you two were….
TINIAN
DEAD! Well, no thanks to you, we managed to get out of the cargo hold just before it was blasted away from the ship.
LARSON
Bossk now has THE HOUND’S TOOTH. He said that you stole it from him.
TINIAN
We did. It was ours. We were hired to steal his ship; not that it is any of your business.
LARSON
Look, we are now in serious trouble. The burn that I used to escape from THE HOUND’S TOOTH practically emptied the fuel that I have onboard. It’s only a matter of time before he turns back and finds us on this rock.
TINIAN
Great! You might as well flare up one last time for a grand finale.
LARSON
Actually, that’s not a bad idea.
TINIAN
I was just kidding.
LARSON
(to BOT) How close are we to THE HOUND’S TOOTH?
BOT
It has turned around and will be at our location in one minute.
TINIAN
What do you have in mind, LARSON?
LARSON
As soon as he gets within range, I will once again ignite the engines on overload. That should cause him to wreck into one of those pieces of rock out there.
TINIAN
And hopefully, that will damage his ship enough not to chase us to the next rock?
LARSON
If I am right, we should have enough of a burst to get to Caamus.
TINIAN
And if not?
LARSON
Then we’ll all be blown to bits by either THE HOUND’S TOOTH or the debris field.
TINIAN
That’s not exactly what I would call encouraging.
LARSON
It’s our only chance. Now, strap yourselves in. I’m going to ignite the engines again.
TINIAN I’ATT and CHENLAMBEC strap themselves into a pair of seats behind the pilot’s and navigator’s seats.
BOT
THE HOUND’S TOOTH is in range, Captain.
LARSON
Three… two… one… IGNITION!
The SOLAR FLARE once again ignites its’ main engines leaving a blinding trail of lighted fuel in its wake. The ignition causes the rock that the SOLAR FLARE was on to pitch and yaw into THE HOUND’S TOOTH causing it to crash hard into another floating rock. THE HOUND’S TOOTH is seen on the rock in two pieces. BOSSK exits the ship just in time before it explodes in a fiery display. He shakes his fist at the lighted trail that fades slowly from his view. He then breaks out a commlink.
BOSSK
I need assistance. The SOLAR FLARE has escaped. According to my last scan, it is now headed for Caamus.
UNKNOWN VOICE
I will be sending the EXSANGUINATOR to your location. Then it will travel to Caamus where you will NOT fail me again. Do you understand?
BOSSK
I understand. Bossk out.
We see the dead, black world of Caamus surrounded by two irregular moons. The SOLAR FLARE heads towards the larger of the two moons where a small space station is built floating around the larger moon.
LARSON
SOLAR FLARE requesting permission to dock.
A golden-furred humanoid is seen at the space station’s control room.
SAMAAC
You have permission to dock, Captain.
LARSON
Thank you.
The SOLAR FLARE docks at the space station from the bottom. The four members disembark from the damaged and scorched vessel.
SAAMAC
What happened to your ship?
LARSON
Just a small disagreement.
SAAMAC
Really?
TINIAN
(points to the ship) That’s what really happened. You have any problem with that?
SAAMAC
(sees CHENLAMBEC behind her), No.
LARSON
Good. Now, can you point the way to your repair pod.
SAAMAC
It’s the last pod on the left after the first corridor.
The foursome walks through the narrow circular passageways towards the repair pod. They open the door and see a vast array of parts on small flat shelves.
LARSON
Everybody split up and look for something useful.
BOT
Useful for what, Captain?
LARSON
Useful for fixing up the ship; I don’t care if it looks good or not. Heck, we might as well take everything.
LARSON goes to the nearest table and starts to grab everything off of it. The others follow suit and start to bring all of the parts back to where the ship docked.
TINIAN
(helping to fix the ship) Listen up, LARSON. Don’t get the idea that CHENLAMBEC and I aren’t going to still get those medical supplies to Naboo and recover the microchip that you stole.
LARSON
(glares at TINIAN) Look babe; Those medical supplies are needed for BOT’s master. He is gravely ill. I only am doing this to save his life; nothing more.
TINIAN
And the microchip?
LARSON
The microchip has some damaging information about Doctor BEL MADEN. He and BOT’s master seem to have been involved before.
So, here is what I have done so far; 14 pages; I still have the space battle coming and then you guys can figure out what needs to be changed here and there. Let me know what you think about all of the above so far.
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Chief of Staff - The SWC Rebel Scum
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LLL
Title: TFN Fan Fiction Archive Editor
Registered:
Jul '00
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Date Posted:
5/26 4:49pm
Subject:
RE: Community Fan Film Clearinghouse-- In the homestretch, we are. Take it away, RX_Sith!!
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Wow. That totally rocks.
I do, however, recommend adding some dialogue that explains why the Imperial captain who hires the bounty hunter seems to be so much at this doctor's beck and call.
How about something like: They're relatives...brothers or something. If they are from a poorer background, perhaps they conspired to murder the Admiral (or whoever it was) referred to earlier in order to secure a promotion and power for at least one of them. If so, perhaps the credits to pay the bounty hunters could come from either one. It would only take a few lines to suggest all this, and scotch some issues people might be scratching their heads over.
-----signature-----
''Overall, to get a real deep, nuanced understanding of human behaviour, art is the best way.'' --Natalie Portman. Have a question or suggestion for the Archive? PM me anytime.
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DVCPRO-HDeditor
Registered:
Nov '06
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Date Posted:
5/26 6:29pm
Subject:
RE: Community Fan Film Clearinghouse-- In the homestretch, we are. Take it away, RX_Sith!!
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LLL posted:
If they are from a poorer background, perhaps they conspired to murder the Admiral (or whoever it was) referred to earlier in order to secure a promotion and power for at least one of them.
I'd go with that. 
The dialog needs a bit of tightening up, but the overall story and action is sound. I like it. 
-----signature-----
Editing out of the dailies. http://artists.ultimate-guitar.com/projectfreunleven/music/albums/321447 How about a magic trick? I can make a pencil disappear.
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RX_Sith
Registered:
Mar '06
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Date Posted:
5/26 7:16pm
Subject:
RE: Community Fan Film Clearinghouse-- In the homestretch, we are. Take it away, RX_Sith!!
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Okay, that's a very good idea. I've revamped the first part a little bit to now include the added scenes to explain further Bel Maden and Narcam's relationship.
INT. EXSANGUINATOR – BRIDGE
CAPTAIN NARCAM
What do you want, brother?
BEL MADEN
(stops for a second) I need you to go after a ship that just left from here; the Solar Flare.
CAPTAIN
Why?
BEL MADEN
They have in their possession a secret microchip that has sensitive Imperial information on it. It could jeopardize the entire Imperial network. Also, they have stolen medical supplies for the Naboovian Plague. Those supplies are of the upmost importance for the citizens of Naboo.
CAPTAIN NARCAM
How did they get the microchip and the medical supplies?
BEL MADEN
They came to the Med Center on a ruse here on Bestine IV. They forcefully acquired the microchip and the medical supplies. Both are in their possession. There recovery must be handled discreetly.
CAPTAIN
I know of a few bounty hunters who can handle your request. It will cost you plenty though. Don’t think that I have forgotten how you were never there for my wife and me. You never even attended our wedding or saw any of our children.
BEL MADEN
Look, I am sorry. I had to maintain my distance; don’t you understand? Our father had an illegitimate son out of wedlock. It would have ruined my career if I had acknowledged your existence as my brother. Now, please, all I want is the microchip back and the medical supplies to be transported to Naboo. Money is of no object. The bounty hunter that you select will be compensated greatly.
CAPTAIN NARCAM
I am going to need at least most of the money up front; you know, for my suffering as well.
BEL MADEN
Very well; I will send it by transmission within five minutes. Also, there is another thing that you should know. I have had the ship’s navicomputer altered to stop the Solar Flare at The Graveyard.
CAPTAIN
I will await the arrival of your transmission of the credits that I will require; in the meantime, I will contact some bounty hunters to see which one will accept your offer and rendezvous with the escaped ship first at The Graveyard.
INT. EXSANGUINATOR – HOLOGRAM ROOM
An image of a bounty hunter clad in glistening white armor along with a towering Wookiee are seen in the background.
CAPTAIN NARCAM
Do you understand the request? You are to get the microchip back at all costs and transport the medical supplies to Naboo. Disintegrations are authorized.
TINIAN I’ATT
I understand. Chenlambec and I will accept your offer. Awaiting transmission of the agreed credits.
CAPTAIN NARCAM
Transmitting.
CHENLAMBEC
(in Shyriiwook) 20,000 credits. That must be a very serious microchip and medical supplies.
TINIAN I’ATT
That’s what I’m worried about. (to Captain) The agreed credits have been received. It’s been a pleasure doing business with you Captain.
CAPTAIN NARCAM
(grunts to the holoscreen as he switches it off and brings up another different image)
Have you heard everything that transpired?
UNKNOWN VOICE
I have. You have done well ADMIRAL NARCAM….
ADMIRAL NARCAM
(sneers with a wide grin) I know… I know. (to himself) Finally, brother, I am more powerful than you! And now, you will pay for ignoring my existence!
And then continue with the rest of the story posted previously. So, does that make it better? Any further comments/suggestions?
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Chief of Staff - The SWC Rebel Scum
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DarthIshtar
Title: Former CR
Star Wars Trivia Hostess
Registered:
Mar '01
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Date Posted:
5/26 9:49pm
Subject:
RE: Community Fan Film Clearinghouse-- In the homestretch, we are. Take it away, RX_Sith!!
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I hope this doesn't sound nit-picking. The post itself was great. I really liked Flare vs. Tooth and there were some intense parts. Just a couple of things:
1) Larson seems to have gotten a dialect upgrade. It's not as slangy and snarky as in the earlier parts.
2) The guy can't pay his parking tickets, but is tricked out like Boba Fett in weaponry? Is this a personal quirk or something that just got overlooked? Like a lady who is late on her rent, but wears Jimmy Choos?
3) The initial conversation with the Imperial is a lot of information for an unsecure channel. If it's a secure channel, we need to know. If it's not, this guy is incredibly indiscreet. It also is out-of-character for Bel Maden, the guy who likes to hold back what someone needs until the right moment, to blurt out the entire story as soon as he gets to the right phone number.
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"You are some self-important encyclopedia with too much time on his hands. I will see to it personally that you are used for spare parts every time my speeder needs an overhaul. You and that overpriced forklift out there." ~Dr. Bel Maden
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Jedsithor
Registered:
Oct '05
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Date Posted:
5/26 9:59pm
Subject:
RE: Community Fan Film Clearinghouse-- In the homestretch, we are. Take it away, RX_Sith!!
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Hmm...dialogue needs work...but I can work on that in the second draft.
My biggest issue is that it's all too convenient.
It's like....oh we'll get them...but I have a secret plan...do what we say or you're dead...no wait now you have the upper hand...now I'm dead...but wait, I escape....now you're dead...and so is this guy...oh no we're all dead...none of us are dead...ahhhhh! 
Also, what Naboovian plague?
Plus, the doctor was working in an Imperial facility...if he's ordering the captain to essentially protect the empire by retrieving the items, there doesn't need to be any talk of how to pay a bounty hunter. he would simply be paid through the treasury, using a medical mission as a cover.
In fact, i would like to propose a twist....make the doctor a good guy. Make him a rebel. And this fills out the back story.
Let's say that the doctor worked for the Separatists during the clone war. He was working on a biological weapon that would destabalise the genetic structure of clones and cause them to break down and die. The doctor was morally opposed to the use of clones, considering them to be a violation against nature.
After the formation of the Empire, he was dismayed to learn that the Emperor had filled the majority of infantry positions within the military with clones (stormtroopers) and so after the declaration of rebellion, the doctor went to continue his research with the rebels. But of course the Empire had the best resources, so he worked for the Empire at a research station under the command of the Admiral (the name of whom I've forgotton...Mekhlis? Or something? You know who I mean), while secretly transmitting data to the rebels as he continued his research.
Then, on a fateful day...two things happened. The first was the destruction of Alderaan. After such an enormous loss of life, the rebels decided to place a ban on using any weapons of mass destruction, including biological weapons that would only kill clones.
Determined to change the rebels minds, the doctor ran an experiment, hoping to prove that his toxin worked. But it went wrong and the entire research station was destroyed. The doctor escaped, as did the Admiral, who had been on a routine inspection of the facility, not before he was infected by the toxin. Although the Admiral wasn't a clone, the toxin did have the side effect of infection normal human beings with a degenerative disease, something the doctor had yet to succeed in eliminating from the toxin. The doctor had created a cure, but the disease was so unique, the Admiral became the only person infected by it, which is the second thing that happened on that fateful day.
The Admiral knew that the doctor had been working with the rebels and had been gathering data for months, intercepting transmissions and building evidence which he planned on using to either blackmail the doctor or show to his superiors to rise in stature...whichever had the most value.
At the time however, he was unaware that he had been infected as the symptoms didn't manifest until a few weeks later. By that time, Vader, upset over the loss at Yavin IV, had chosen to make an example out of the Admiral for letting the research station be destroyed, banishing him to the shantytowns of Theed, stripping him of all titles, while the doctor was sent to a lowly medical facility on Bestine IV.
And there's your backstory for this whole thing.
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DarthIshtar
Title: Former CR
Star Wars Trivia Hostess
Registered:
Mar '01
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Date Posted:
5/26 10:06pm
Subject:
RE: Community Fan Film Clearinghouse-- In the homestretch, we are. Take it away, RX_Sith!!
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Maybe Naboovian Plague is what he thinks Bot's master has. That wouldn't make so much sense because Plague seems...well...contagious.
And yes, it's too convenient. Sort of, "well, sure I'm an Imperial captain, but I've got disreputable contacts and no qualms about using them!" Plus yes, there would be a way to pay them and write it off, but it's been demonstrated in the past that the Empire had contempt for bounty hunters and smugglers and I'm sure that a person of the Captain's stature wouldn't exactly just go out and hire one. He'd find a way to conceal it. This also goes back to my issue with Bel Maden's info dump.
-----signature-----
"You are some self-important encyclopedia with too much time on his hands. I will see to it personally that you are used for spare parts every time my speeder needs an overhaul. You and that overpriced forklift out there." ~Dr. Bel Maden
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