| Author |
Topic:
The Vader Monologues (humor)
|
BlindMan
Registered:
Nov '01
|
Date Posted:
12/31/01 8:56pm
Subject:
The Vader Monologues (humor)
|
The premise here is just what the title suggests--Darth Vader talking to himself. His two conflicted halves (Anakin/Vader) discussing this, that, and the other thing. Enjoy! Or not! More to come, if anyone's interested...
(Thanks go out to PeterTutham27--the only person who seems to be reading my "Boonta Eve Tale/ Rogue Droid Squadron" story  . This wasn't exactly the fic you suggested, but you sparked the idea for it--so thanks!)
ABOARD THE DEATH STAR:
(Vader steps into a turbolift. It begins to rise.)
ANAKIN: Where are we going?
VADER: To the detention level, to interrogate the princess.
A: You're not going to hurt her, are you?
V: I am, yes.
A: Why, man? She's a cutie!
V: So what?
(pause)
A: Qui-Gon wouldn't approve.
V: Qui-Gon was weak.
A: He was awesome! He had that whole long-haired hippie thing going on!
V: He was a fool. Remember how he kept taking his bong out behind the pod-racer when he thought nobody was watching?
A: He said it helped him get in tune with the Force!
V: Riiiiight. If I'd followed in his footsteps, I'd be living on a diet of "herbal" brownies and trying to smoke anything I could set on fire...
A: Well, we're just Mr. Bitter today, aren't we?
V: We're Mr. Bitter every day.
A: Yeah, I've noticed. And look what it's doing to your health!
V: Being thrown into a fiery pit of lava had more to do with that, I think.
A: Is that what happened? I'm still a little fuzzy on that.
V: It is. And stop it.
A: Stop what?
V: You're trying to distract me from interrogating the princess.
A: Is it working?
V: No.
A: Crap.
V: I'm going to question her, I'm going to get the information I seek, I'm going to crush the Rebellion and restore order to the galaxy.
A: Well, it's all about you, isn't it?
V: Actually, yes. George said so.
A: Well...can you at least do it without hurting her?
V: Why? What would you suggest?
A: You could maybe...reason with her?
V: You've got to be kidding. There can't possibly be any reasoning with a woman who sports that hairstyle.
A: Well, you've got me there. But you could try. Remember all that stuff you read in that book, "Men Are From Corellia, Women Are From Dantooine"?
V: That's just a bunch of pap. I'm glad I had the author liquidated.
(The turbolift door opens, and Vader strides out into the detention block. The guards come to attention as he stalks past them down the corridor. He stops in front of Cell 2187, starts to reach for the door controls.)
A: Wait! Wait a second, man!
V: What now? Make it quick.
A: I've got an idea. It'll get you the information faster than your torture.
V: I'm listening...
A: *whisper*, *mutter*, *whisper*--
V: Oh, that *is* good! And they say *I'm* the evil one!
(Vader opens the door, steps inside. Leia faces him defiantly. He looms over her.)
VADER: (to Leia) Now, Your Highness, we will discuss the location of your hidden rebel base...
(An interrogator droid floats into the chamber. The door hisses closed. Suddenly, a couple of speakers pop out of the interrogator droid and spicy Latin-style music begins to blare.)
VADER: (to Leia) Now, Your Highness, let us...MACARENA!
LEIA: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Blind Man
The Rabid Bantha Bar and Grille
-----signature-----
Hey! Visit my webpage, "The Rabid Bantha Bar and Grille"! Or don't! : http://www.geocities.com/sightless2/rabidbantha.html -- Check my profile for more stories... "You still got that bag I gave you?"--R2-D2/Cleveland, "Family Guy"
|
|
|
Quote Reply |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
Qwi_Xux
Registered:
Oct '01
|
Date Posted:
12/31/01 10:06pm
Subject:
RE: The Vader Monologues (humor)
|
A: Well, you've got me there. But you could try. Remember all that stuff you read in that book, "Men Are From Corellia, Women Are From Dantooine"?
V: That's just a bunch of pap. I'm glad I had the author liquidated.
 ROFLOL!!! HAHAHA!!! That whole post was HILARIOUS! The Macarena, hehe..
-----signature-----
"She is fine! Except for being still crazy, she's a picture of health!" -Mal Reynolds, Serenity
|
|
|
Quote Reply |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
Mcily_Nochi
Registered:
Sep '01
|
Date Posted:
1/1/02 12:40am
Subject:
RE: The Vader Monologues (humor)
|
Hehehe, so true, so true!
THIS WAS GREAT! Sorry about the caps, couldn't help it.
Any more one-posts? That was sooo funny!
-----signature-----
Back after three years of writer's block!
|
|
|
Quote Reply |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
BlindMan
Registered:
Nov '01
|
Date Posted:
1/1/02 12:06pm
Subject:
RE: The Vader Monologues (humor)
|
Thanks for the kind words!
I've got a couple of other tales on the boards, which should be listed in my profile thing-a-majig, but they're not "one-posts" (Unless you count "Wink Blasterburn", simply because I haven't gotten around to continuing it yet.)
More "stand-alones" coming for this thread, though! Thanks for your interest!
Blind Man
-----signature-----
Hey! Visit my webpage, "The Rabid Bantha Bar and Grille"! Or don't! : http://www.geocities.com/sightless2/rabidbantha.html -- Check my profile for more stories... "You still got that bag I gave you?"--R2-D2/Cleveland, "Family Guy"
|
|
|
Quote Reply |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
chissdude10
Registered:
Jul '01
|
Date Posted:
1/1/02 12:43pm
Subject:
RE: The Vader Monologues (humor)
|
|
I thought it was cool. Very origanal. Now will someone read my fan fic, A Chance to Take.
|
|
|
Quote Reply |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
Lilu
Registered:
Mar '00
|
Date Posted:
1/1/02 4:44pm
Subject:
RE: The Vader Monologues (humor)
|
|
*LOL*
-----signature-----
"There are two types of people in this world, good and bad.
The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more."
|
|
|
Quote Reply |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
Cow_Girl
Title: Chapter Rep
Niagara ON, CA
Registered:
Jun '01
|
Date Posted:
1/1/02 7:39pm
Subject:
RE: The Vader Monologues (humor)
|
That was very, very funny.
What is wrong with the macarena though?
-----signature-----
Chapter Rep, Young Jedi Niagara, Canada ~Faithful beyond Fear~ http://hiril-anwyn.livejournal.com/profile
|
|
|
Quote Reply |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
Kitt327
Title: FanForce CR
North Island NZ
Registered:
Dec '00
|
Date Posted:
1/2/02 6:19pm
Subject:
RE: The Vader Monologues (humor)
|
heh, you should make this a round-robin. There are so many scenes where this could be so funny 
-----signature-----
When it's dark enough, you can see the stars.
"Compassion, which I would define as
unconditional love, is central to a Jedi's life."
Visit FF New Zealand -
http://boards.theforce.net/New_Zealand/b10035/
|
|
|
Quote Reply |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
Darth_Fruitcake
Registered:
Jan '01
|
Date Posted:
1/2/02 9:24pm
Subject:
RE: The Vader Monologues (humor)
|
Heh, if this were a round-robin, I could do some serious Skywalker/Solo damage....
Totally hilarious! MORE!
-----signature-----
This is the first time where I can safely say these boards are going to hell in a hand-basket.
|
|
|
Quote Reply |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
Scarr1106
Registered:
Aug '01
|
Date Posted:
1/2/02 9:56pm
Subject:
RE: The Vader Monologues (humor)
|
|
Nice.
-----signature-----
There's nothing wrong with rewrites; they're just AUs in a different format.
|
|
|
Quote Reply |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
Miana Kenobi
Title: Pacific Region RSA
NSWFF Manager
Registered:
Apr '00
|
Date Posted:
1/2/02 10:24pm
Subject:
RE: The Vader Monologues (humor)
|
And what is wrong with the Macarena????? 
Very cute. And I'm totally for the Round Robin thing.
-----signature-----
You can't take the sky from me.
He tini nga whetu e ngaro I te kapua iti.
Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!
|
|
|
Quote Reply |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
The Musical Jedi
Registered:
Dec '99
|
Date Posted:
1/3/02 10:23am
Subject:
RE: The Vader Monologues (humor)
|
Hehehehehe.... I like this, it's very funny.
A: Well, we're just Mr. Bitter today, aren't we?
V: We're Mr. Bitter every day.
That was my favorite line. Good work!
-----signature-----
Real heroes were like the characters in that man Tolkien's story, who did what they had to even if they hated it, even if it took their own lives away from them.
-- Otherland: Mountain of Black Glass, Tad Williams
---
Lord help our Colts.
|
|
|
Quote Reply |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
Kazaiar
Registered:
Jan '02
|
Date Posted:
1/3/02 11:22am
Subject:
RE: The Vader Monologues (humor)
- Date Edited:
1/3/02 11:24am (1 edits total)
Edited By:
Kazaiar
|
Oh, hilarious!
*A: Well, it's all about you, isn't it?*
*V: Actually, yes. George said so.*
I've NEVER heard such a perfect retort.
You should write some more of these, you really should.
-----signature-----
“I thought I merely produced an instinctive desire in people to throw things at me.”
“Can I quote you on that?”
Barin Truthfinder & Thom Capella from "Don’t try this at home" by HaiGan - http://boards.theforce.net/message.asp?topic=452770&page=20
|
|
|
Quote Reply |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
BlindMan
Registered:
Nov '01
|
Date Posted:
1/4/02 11:26am
Subject:
RE: The Vader Monologues (humor)
|
Wow, thanks, everyone!
But as far as the whole "round robin" idea goes...and this is going to sound awful...I'd kind of, sort of, rather--not.  I've got a lot of ideas for this one, and I wouldn't want to inadvertantly duplicate someone else's efforts, is all...
More to come soon, though!
Blind Man
-----signature-----
Hey! Visit my webpage, "The Rabid Bantha Bar and Grille"! Or don't! : http://www.geocities.com/sightless2/rabidbantha.html -- Check my profile for more stories... "You still got that bag I gave you?"--R2-D2/Cleveland, "Family Guy"
|
|
|
Quote Reply |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
Qwi_Xux
Registered:
Oct '01
|
Date Posted:
1/4/02 11:28am
Subject:
RE: The Vader Monologues (humor)
|
|
Don't be sorry for not wanting this to be a round robin...it's your thread! Can't wait to see what else you come up with.
-----signature-----
"She is fine! Except for being still crazy, she's a picture of health!" -Mal Reynolds, Serenity
|
|
|
Quote Reply |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
stevo
Registered:
Aug '01
|
Date Posted:
1/4/02 12:10pm
Subject:
RE: The Vader Monologues (humor)
|
|
LOL!!
-----signature-----
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable man perisists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Thus all prgress depends on the unreasonable man.
|
|
|
Quote Reply |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
