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Topic:
The Vader Monologues (humor)
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BlindMan
Registered:
Nov '01
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Date Posted:
9/30/07 5:21pm
Subject:
RE: The Vader Monologues (humor)
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Thanks for the well-wishes, everyone! 
Still stuck with the one-handed typing, but getting more accustomed to using my "off"-hand for everything. Might even be able to squeeze the next monologue in sooner, rather than later! We'll have to see....Stay tuned!
Blind Man
-----signature-----
Hey! Visit my webpage, "The Rabid Bantha Bar and Grille"! Or don't! : http://www.geocities.com/sightless2/rabidbantha.html -- Check my profile for more stories... "You still got that bag I gave you?"--R2-D2/Cleveland, "Family Guy"
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BlindMan
Registered:
Nov '01
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Date Posted:
11/9/07 2:11pm
Subject:
RE: The Vader Monologues (humor)
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Back in action (mostly)! Still dealing with some issues, but I can type normally again! Woo-hoo!
ON MUSTAFAR (4):
(Having slaughtered the Separatist leaders, Vader stands before the facility's holo-unit.)
ANAKIN: So what now?
VADER: Now...I call Palpatine and tell him that the Separatists are dead. But first...
(Vader activates the comm unit, and the blue hologram of a Gungan appears.)
GUNGAN: Tank-a you for calling da Gungan embassy. How-sa mesa helpin' you?
A: By practicing your grammar?
VADER: (aloud) I'm on a mission for the Senate, and require a piece of vitally important information from you.
GUNGAN: (suddenly more alert) What information?
VADER: Now listen closely. To the best of your knowledge...is your refrigerator running?
GUNGAN: Why yes-a, it is.
VADER: Well, you better go catch it! Hah!
(Vader slaps his hand on the off button. Silence fills the room.)
A: You. Have got. To be kidding me.
V: What? That was beautiful!
A: If by beautiful you mean completely stupid.
V: Hush. I'm just getting started.
(Ten minutes later...)
VADER: (aloud) ...That's right. Thirty pepperoni pizzas and twelve orders of buffalo wings. For delivery. My name? Owen Lars...
(Vader ends the call.)
V: Classic!
A: This is the most childish, inane thing I've ever seen.
V: Childish? It's sinister! He's gonna have to pay for all those pizzas or be totally embarrassed!
A: Ugh.
V: Hey, just because you can't appreciate the subtlety of my evil...
A: Please. This is about as subtle as "pull my finger".
V: Another bit of evil-ness I'll have to try! Thanks!
A: I wasn't giving you--whoops, heads up. Looks like Palpatine's calling *you*. Must have gotten tired of waiting.
(Vader answers the holo-comm, and tells Palpatine that the Separatists leaders are dead. Palpatine orders him to send a deactivation signal to the droid fleets. As the call ends, Vader glances over, sees Padme's ship approaching on the sensors.)
V: What's she doing here?
A: Heading for disaster and heartbreak?
V: Well, whatever she's here for, I've still a minute until she arrives. Enough time for one more call.
A: Will you stop? What next, you gonna call Bail Organa and ask him if he's got Prince Xizor in a can?
V: Oooh, yeah! You're just full of good ideas today!
A: *sigh* I can see I've got my work cut out for me, here...
Blind Man
(Up next, the grand [?] finale...)
-----signature-----
Hey! Visit my webpage, "The Rabid Bantha Bar and Grille"! Or don't! : http://www.geocities.com/sightless2/rabidbantha.html -- Check my profile for more stories... "You still got that bag I gave you?"--R2-D2/Cleveland, "Family Guy"
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Fanficfan
Registered:
Jul '05
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Date Posted:
11/9/07 3:05pm
Subject:
RE: The Vader Monologues (humor)
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V: Hey, just because you can't appreciate the subtlety of my evil...
A: Please. This is about as subtle as "pull my finger".
V: Another bit of evil-ness I'll have to try! Thanks!
Just tell me this, who is Anakin to talk about being subtle? He's about as subtle as a baseball bat to the face.
By the way, as you commanded I went and saw Stardust...  So good. I hope they turn more of Neil Gaiman's stuff into movies.
Good to see you back BlindMan, can't wait for the Grand(?) Finale...
-----signature-----
Such a sweet little boy,
so innocent,
Who would of guessed he'd grow into...
A bloody cry baby,
And a wife basher.
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Raptor517
Registered:
Sep '06
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Date Posted:
11/9/07 3:58pm
Subject:
RE: The Vader Monologues (humor)
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Lol. Go catch it! Man, where do you come up with these things? Good to have you back!
Raptor517
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Jedi_Master_Cazz
Registered:
Sep '05
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Date Posted:
11/9/07 10:17pm
Subject:
RE: The Vader Monologues (humor)
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Sardonic Skywalker humor. Awesome. 
Cheers_Cazza 
-----signature-----
"Remember in the end, John, You're not looking at the background,
You're not watching the pods, You're listening to the music."- George Lucas to John Knoll (Visual Effects Supervisor I, II, III)
Looking for a Master!
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Ascal_Elessar
Registered:
Feb '04
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Date Posted:
11/10/07 12:38pm
Subject:
RE: The Vader Monologues (humor)
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VADER: Now listen closely. To the best of your knowledge...is your refrigerator running?
GUNGAN: Why yes-a, it is.
VADER: Well, you better go catch it! Hah! 
That was brilliant, so sad these are coming to an end.
-----signature-----
"HELLO THERE!" Member of the Obi-Wan Kenobi Fan Club
“People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to
effect, but actually, from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint,
its more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff.”
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Laine_Snowtrekker
Registered:
Jul '03
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Date Posted:
11/10/07 6:00pm
Subject:
RE: The Vader Monologues (humor)
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Coming to an end? That's sad.
But this post was hilarious.
-----signature-----
Stealth and subtlety work well, but for making lasting impressions, a blaster does just fine. -Han
Room full of gold and jewels, and Dr. Daniel Jackson finds the one book. -Cam
Palso's #1 Fan
JO: RS1, Admiral
Fanfic link in bio (esp. 08 Diary Challenge)
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Healer_Leona
Title: Manager Emeritus
Registered:
Jul '00
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Date Posted:
11/10/07 6:36pm
Subject:
RE: The Vader Monologues (humor)
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Well, looks like Vader has finally lightened up which was what Anakin wanted.
Grand finale?!? Already? 
-----signature-----
So to my friends that even call but I don't call back
I want you deep inside my heart upon a hill
It seems to hide sometimes and run away and wonder
I'm really sick of saying sorry but I will
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BlindMan
Registered:
Nov '01
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Date Posted:
11/11/07 6:04pm
Subject:
RE: The Vader Monologues (humor)
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Fanficfan posted:
Just tell me this, who is Anakin to talk about being subtle? He's about as subtle as a baseball bat to the face.
True, true...
Fanficfan posted:
By the way, as you commanded I went and saw Stardust... So good.
Now, if I could just get more people to do as I command, I could RULE THE WOR--! er, I mean, they'd see a fantastic movie. Yeah, no global domination schemes here. 
Raptor517 : Thanks! Good to be back!
Jedi_Master_Cazz : Thank you!
Ascal_Elessar : Thanks!
Laine_Snowtrekker : Well, they had to end sometime. Just plain ran out of scenes. As far as I can tell, anyway--there might be something I missed; in which case, there might be "lost" monologues posted at some point in the future...
Healer_Leona posted:
Well, looks like Vader has finally lightened up which was what Anakin wanted.
Oh, just wait...  
Just so's you all know--the final monologue *has* been written. No months' long wait for you to endure!  I'll post it within the week, most likely. Unless I get hit by a bus, or something. In which case, you'll never know how it ends!  AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA--!
(Sorry, maniacal laughs just seem to be slipping out more and more often...)
See you soon!
Blind Man
-----signature-----
Hey! Visit my webpage, "The Rabid Bantha Bar and Grille"! Or don't! : http://www.geocities.com/sightless2/rabidbantha.html -- Check my profile for more stories... "You still got that bag I gave you?"--R2-D2/Cleveland, "Family Guy"
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amidalachick
Title: 2008 Fan Fic Awards Overseer
Registered:
Aug '03
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Date Posted:
11/14/07 10:23pm
Subject:
RE: The Vader Monologues (humor)
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Yay, a new monologue! So funny, as always!
(Vader slaps his hand on the off button. Silence fills the room.)
A: You. Have got. To be kidding me.
V: What? That was beautiful!
A: If by beautiful you mean completely stupid.
V: Hush. I'm just getting started.
-----signature-----
"I thought of letting go
But my mind won't let me
My heart will never know what's true
I just never thought I'd find a reason
Keep me coming back until I stay..."
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BlindMan
Registered:
Nov '01
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Date Posted:
11/17/07 6:11pm
Subject:
RE: The Vader Monologues (humor)
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And so...we reach the end.
I want to take a moment to thank everyone who's read these silly little things over the years, and put up with my frequent--and often annoyingly lengthy--delays. I couldn't ask for a nicer group of readers.
I hope you've had fun!
ON ENDOR (3):
(Having defeated the Empire and destroyed the Death Star, the Rebellion celebrates with the Ewoks on Endor. Luke Skywalker sees the spirits of Obi-Wan and Yoda; then, materializing next to them, the spirit of Anakin Skywalker--a distinguished-looking older gentleman, thank you very much. Leia arrives and leads Luke back to the celebration.)
ANAKIN: Yeah, this is nice. Good triumphs over evil, and I'm back in the saddle, baby. Very nice.
VADER: Kind of weird, though. I'm so used to being in the driver's seat.
(pause)
A: Uh...what the hell are you doing here?
V: Beats me. I'm not in charge of these things.
A: But you shouldn't even exist anymore! You sacrificed yourself so that the good could prevail. That's me!
V: Calm down, you're going to blow a gasket. Heh. Gasket. Get it? Because I used to be all machinery and gaskets and--
A: Yeah, I get it. But you should be gone, no offense.
V: Offense taken!
A: Come on, I spent decades trying to steer you back onto the right path--and that was hard work, let me tell you.
V: Oh, please. You enjoyed tormenting me all those years.
A: Well...yeah, okay, you've got me there. But still, after all that, I deserve to just head off into a quiet, peaceful afterlife. You know?
SUZIE: Good luck with that, sport.
A: You're here too, Suze?
SUZIE: Of course! Can't leave my two favorite boys alone--who knows what kind of trouble you'd get into without me? Ooh, there's my boy Lando! Lookin' good Calrissian! Wooooo!
A: This is so completely not fair...
(pause)
V: So, uh...you just going to stand here grinning like a lobotomy patient, or are you going to do something useful?
A: Well, if I can ditch Obi-Wan and the Muppet, I think I might just head on over and join the party.
V: Sweet. Gonna bust some funkilicious moves with those Ewoks?
A: Bust some what?
V: You know--boogie down!
SUZIE: Yeah! Good to see you've finally taken the stick out, Vader! Let's boogie!
V: Boogie!
VADER and SUZIE: (in unison) Boo-gie! Boo-gie! Boo-gie!
A: Man, what is with you? You seem uncharacteristically chipper all of a sudden...
V: I know, isn't it weird? It's like a tremendous weight has been lifted off my shoulders--and dumped onto yours! Hah!
A: You know, this isn't nearly as much fun when you're on the receiving end.
V: Get used to it. Because we're going to be with you forever and ever--
SUZIE: --and ever--
V: --and ever--
SUZIE: --and ever--
V: --and ev--
A: I get it! I get it!
V: Heh-heh. I think I'm going to enjoy eternity. What's that old saying about payback...?
A: *sigh* Man....Redemption sucks.
THE END
Blind Man
(see you in the spin-off!)
-----signature-----
Hey! Visit my webpage, "The Rabid Bantha Bar and Grille"! Or don't! : http://www.geocities.com/sightless2/rabidbantha.html -- Check my profile for more stories... "You still got that bag I gave you?"--R2-D2/Cleveland, "Family Guy"
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Laine_Snowtrekker
Registered:
Jul '03
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Date Posted:
11/17/07 6:30pm
Subject:
RE: The Vader Monologues (humor)
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Great, as always.
Now, if you ever write a 'lost' monologue, I'd be happy to know about it!
-----signature-----
Stealth and subtlety work well, but for making lasting impressions, a blaster does just fine. -Han
Room full of gold and jewels, and Dr. Daniel Jackson finds the one book. -Cam
Palso's #1 Fan
JO: RS1, Admiral
Fanfic link in bio (esp. 08 Diary Challenge)
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Fanficfan
Registered:
Jul '05
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Date Posted:
11/19/07 4:22am
Subject:
RE: The Vader Monologues (humor)
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I think that the time between the second last monologue and the last monologue is the shortest we've ever had to wait... lol kidding 
Seriously though, poor Anakin, he's gonna get an eternities worth of payback from Vader. I can't wait till they re-incarnate and Suzie is the main personality (Lady Vader). The two guys will giver her so much crap...
Can't wait for the spin-off. Pop me a PM when you start it? 
fanficfan
-----signature-----
Such a sweet little boy,
so innocent,
Who would of guessed he'd grow into...
A bloody cry baby,
And a wife basher.
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astroanna
Registered:
Jul '02
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Date Posted:
11/19/07 7:53am
Subject:
RE: The Vader Monologues (humor)
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*applauds*
Great ending to an even better series, BlindMan...
I can just see it now, Anakin, Vader, and Suzie together forever...and ever...and ever...
Oh, the possibilities...
Loved it, Blind Man, and I can't wait for the spin-off...
Congrats, again!
-----signature-----
"For my ally is the Force. And a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. It's energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you." -Yoda See bio for fics
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Ascal_Elessar
Registered:
Feb '04
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Date Posted:
11/19/07 12:03pm
Subject:
RE: The Vader Monologues (humor)
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Fantastic as always, gutted it's now come to an end. Cant wait to see what you've got planned next.
-----signature-----
"HELLO THERE!" Member of the Obi-Wan Kenobi Fan Club
“People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to
effect, but actually, from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint,
its more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff.”
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