| Author |
Topic:
Short Attention Span Theater Presents...
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BlindMan
Registered:
Nov '01
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Date Posted:
1/26/02 1:13pm
Subject:
Short Attention Span Theater Presents...
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Welcome to "Short Attention Span Theater"! Here you'll find various "one-shot", "stand-alone" stories--whatever pops into my head. These will all be humor--or feeble attempts at such. No angst. No romance. No monkeys. (Okay, maybe there'll be monkeys. Monkeys are cool.)
Please extinguish all smoking materials, and turn off all cell phones. Refreshments are available in the lobby. Enjoy the show...
 Blind Man
-----signature-----
Hey! Visit my webpage, "The Rabid Bantha Bar and Grille"! Or don't! : http://www.geocities.com/sightless2/rabidbantha.html -- Check my profile for more stories... "You still got that bag I gave you?"--R2-D2/Cleveland, "Family Guy"
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BlindMan
Registered:
Nov '01
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Date Posted:
1/26/02 1:19pm
Subject:
RE: Short Attention Span Theater Presents...
- Date Edited:
12/13/06 9:33pm (1 edits total)
Edited By:
DVeditor
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Short Attention Span Theater Presents...
BEHIND THE HELMETS: A COUNSELLING SESSION
(The setting: a plush, wood-panelled office. Several chairs sit in a circle in the center of the room, occupied by various figures. One of these people, a bespectacled man with a clipboard, speaks.)
MAN: Hello. Welcome to The Clinic, and your first group therapy session. For those of you who don't know me yet, I'm Mitch. Are we all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this fine morning?
(No one answers.)
MITCH: I know some of you would much rather be off doing other things, but just try to remember: we're here to help. I see some new faces here, so let's start off by introducing ourselves.
(MITCH looks toward the person on his left.)
BOBA FETT: Uh...I'm Boba Fett. (he waves his hand slightly at the others) Hey.
(To FETT's left is...)
DARTH VADER: I'm Darth Vader. Dark Lord of the Sith, right-hand man to the Emperor, and Grand Champion Bungee-Jumper of Coruscant thirteen years running.
(MITCH frowns as he checks the papers on his clipboard.)
MITCH: I'm sorry, but...my paperwork lists you as "Anakin Skywalker".
VADER: I was Anakin Skywalker. Now, I'm somebody else.
MITCH: I see. (he nods, scribbles at his clipboard) Identity issues. Very interesting...
FETT: (nudging VADER in the shoulder.) Oooooooh! Busted...
VADER: (to FETT) Don't ever touch me.
MITCH: Let's continue, shall we?
(In the seat next to VADER, the bounty hunter BOUSHH rattles something off. The protocol droid standing behind his chair interprets):
DROID: The esteemed bounty hunter, Boushh, demands to be released from this facility, or else--
--(BOUSHH pulls something from a pocket.)--
DROID:--or else he will activate this thermal detonator!
FETT: Um, that's not a thermal detonator, that's--
MITCH: (nodding) A tennis ball. Yes, you're right. Boushh here has an irrational fixation on thermal detonators, perhaps symptomatic of some deeper disorder; we've been trying to wean him off of them. (He leans forward, pats BOUSHH on the knee.) It's very frightening, Boushh. (He looks to the seat next to BOUSHH.) And you are?
KOSH: Kosh.
MITCH: Kosh? (He flips through his paperwork.) Well, you're not on my list at all. What part of the galaxy are you from?
KOSH: Babylon 5.
MITCH: I'm not familiar with the Babylon system. Is that near Sullust?
KOSH: The end points to the beginning. An unexpected door has been opened.
(Everyone stares at him.)
FETT: Oh, man. Is he some kind of beat poet, or something? 'Cause if I have to sit here and listen to a bunch of pretentious crap, I am so out of here...
MITCH: Wait. I think I understand. Those rascals down the hall in the Quantum Mechanics department have been playing around with dimensional portals again, haven't they?
KOSH: Yes. The avalanche has begun; it is too late for the pebbles to vote.
MITCH: Well, it's good to have you here, Kosh. Good to see that you're willing to improve yourself, no matter where you're from. (He faces everyone) Let me start off by asking you all one simple question: Why do *you* think you wear these helmets? These masks, that hide your true selves...?
FETT: (shrugging) It was a hand-me-down from my dad. Plus, the chicks kind of dig a mystery man.
VADER: Mine's a life-support system.
(BOUSHH speaks quickly and fervently.)
DROID: The esteemed Boushh says he wears the mask to--and I quote--"pick up the hot honeys for a little bang bang." I'm afraid I have no idea *what* he means, sir. He also adds that if you don't let him leave within five minutes, he'll use that detonator...
MITCH: Of course, he will. And you, Kosh?
KOSH: Because I would be recognized without it.
MITCH: By who?
KOSH: Everyone.
MITCH (nodding) I see. Well, you know what I think? I think you all wear these helmets to hide yourselves from the rest of the world. I think you're ashamed of who and what you are, and are afraid to face up to your deeds; you're seeking refuge within these disguises in an effort to evade any responsbility for your actions. What do you all think of that?
FETT: I think you'd better be careful driving home tonight, buddy. You might just have an "accident".
MITCH: Anger is a perfectly natural response when faced with a harsh truth.
KOSH: The truth is a three-edged sword.
(silence)
FETT: He is really starting to creep me out.
MITCH: You seem to have a lot of hostility, Boba. Would you like to explore that?
FETT: No.
MITCH: I really think you should...
FETT: You know what I want to explore? I want to explore this whole "Aurra Sing" business. Can somebody explain this to me? Because I'm just not getting it.
MITCH: What do you mean?
VADER: (to MITCH) Don't get him started...
FETT: I mean, how has this pasty-faced ***** gotten so popular? I've seen the holovids of that Boonta Eve podrace, just like everyone else. And she appears for about two seconds--says nothing, does nothing--and suddenly there's this cult that's sprung up around her. Some people are even daring to compare her to me! ME!
MITCH: So, you're jealous of her fame.
FETT: Jealous? No. Pissed off? Yeah! C'mon, I actually did something! I caught Han Solo, for crying out loud! I led Vader to Cloud City, which allowed him to confront his son!
MITCH: Funny you should mention that, because I wanted to explore that with you, Vader. (he turns to face VADER.)
FETT: Maybe I should've just--
MITCH: Boba--
FETT: --lounged around in my ship and--
MITCH: Boba!
(FETT looks at him.)
MITCH: (to FETT) It's quiet time, now. Okay?
(FETT crosses his arms and leans back in his seat, sulking. MITCH turns back to VADER.)
MITCH: Let's explore this whole thing with you attacking your son, shall we? Do you think you might have been transposing your own insecurities and failures onto him, and using *him* as a target for your rage--rage that you truly, deep down, felt towards *yourself*?
VADER: That...is the biggest load of crap I've ever--
MITCH: Okay, let's try this: did your father treat you in a similar fashion?
VADER: I didn't have a father.
MITCH: (scribbling a note on his clipboard) Now we're getting somewhere. So, he left your mother when you were young?
VADER: No, I mean I didn't have a father at all. Ever.
MITCH: (raising a skeptical eyebrow) What? You're saying it was some kind of...immaculate conception?
FETT: That ain't what I heard.
VADER: (to FETT) What's *that* supposed to mean?
FETT: Just that your momma's phone number is written on more bathroom walls than--
(VADER lunges at FETT. FETT's chair topples backward, spilling both of them onto the floor, where they begin to tussle.)
MITCH: Gentlemen, please!
(They ignore him.)
KOSH: ENOUGH!!!!!!!
(KOSH unleashes a bolt of energy against the two fighters, flinging them apart. FETT and VADER stagger back up, slowly take their seats.)
KOSH: Stupidity. Idiocy.
MITCH: (laying a hand on KOSH's encounter suit) Thank you, Kosh.
(Kosh looks at MITCH's hand for several moments. MITCH doesn't take the hint.)
KOSH: (to MITCH) Impudence!
(KOSH unleashes a blast of energy against the counsellor, sending him reeling back in his seat.)
FETT: Right on!
(FETT raises his hand in a "high-five" gesture. KOSH simply stares at him. After a few moments, FETT sheepishly lowers his hand.)
MITCH: (coughing a bit, straightening his glasses) Kosh, I'm afraid that's going to have to go in your permanent record... (he begins to jot a note down on his paperwork.)
(BOUSHH speaks again.)
DROID: The esteemed Boushh says that your time is up, and that you should make peace with whatever gods you worship.
VADER: Oh, for the love of--
(BOUSHH tosses his tennis ball out into the middle of the floor. It bounces once, twice...and explodes.)
(They all awaken to find themselves in a misty netherworld. VADER, FETT, BOUSHH, MITCH, and even the DROID are all there, looking around--but nothing can be seen except for the swirling mists all around them. Where KOSH should be standing, however, is man with a salt-and-pepper beard, wearing a flannel shirt. When everyone stares at him, he shrugs.)
KOSH/LUCAS: I told you everyone would recognize me...
(He wanders away into the mists.)
DROID: Is this...deactivation? Death?
VADER: (nods) It is. You'd think Ben and Yoda could've come to see me, but noooooooooo!
MITCH: So, if we're dead...(he pulls out a ghostly clipboard)...How does that make you all feel? Let's explore this...
(Everyone groans...)
Blind Man
-----signature-----
Hey! Visit my webpage, "The Rabid Bantha Bar and Grille"! Or don't! : http://www.geocities.com/sightless2/rabidbantha.html -- Check my profile for more stories... "You still got that bag I gave you?"--R2-D2/Cleveland, "Family Guy"
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Marawannabe
Registered:
Dec '01
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Date Posted:
1/26/02 1:43pm
Subject:
RE: Short Attention Span Theater Presents...
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ROFLOL!!! Vader... In... Therapy... Need... Air!!!!  LOLOLOLOLOLOL AHAHAHAHAHA!
breathe, I need to breathe!
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Jaded Skywalker
Registered:
Nov '99
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Date Posted:
1/27/02 12:25am
Subject:
RE: Short Attention Span Theater Presents...
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OMG... LOL! Speechless. Absolutly speechless... 
-----signature-----
Frodo: What are we holding on to, Sam?
Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for.
~ The Two Towers ~
Wacky wench of pirate excalibur2358!
Jalqué, Handmaiden of the Crest
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Amidala_Skywalker
Title: Manager Emeritus
Registered:
Jul '01
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Date Posted:
1/27/02 1:11am
Subject:
RE: Short Attention Span Theater Presents...
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VADER: (nods) It is. You'd think Ben and Yoda could've come to see me, but noooooooooo!
Christ, I need fresh air!! This is too good, how in the Universe do you come up with these? I need more! You write Vader humor so well...oh god, I need air.
Am 
-----signature-----
Amsié, Crest of Handmaidens . ___ TF.N Archive Reviewer ___ Battlestar Galactica is the new way.
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JediClare
Registered:
Oct '01
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Date Posted:
1/27/02 1:33am
Subject:
RE: Short Attention Span Theater Presents...
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BlindMan, yousa nutsen!
This is totally hilarious! Wish I had your talent for writing humour!
= Clare =
-----signature-----
"Obi-Wan has forgotten ever being a child."
"Qui-Gon would have disagreed."
"Qui-Gon! Now there was a child, all his life a child, and wiser than most!"
- Thracia Cho Leem and Obi-Wan Kenobi
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HaiGan
Registered:
Nov '00
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Date Posted:
1/27/02 1:52am
Subject:
RE: Short Attention Span Theater Presents...
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Who needs therapy when you have humour? Hee! That was better than a morning cuppa. And I LIKE my morning cuppa!
-----signature-----
"You Can Run But You Can't Hide" A tale of friendship, healing, and Corellian fast food http://boards.theforce.net/message.asp?topic=17272301
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Delight
Registered:
Mar '01
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Date Posted:
1/27/02 2:00am
Subject:
RE: Short Attention Span Theater Presents...
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Osh-KOSH-my-god! Funny short story.
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At the Edge
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Owe-me-one Perogi
Registered:
Jun '00
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Date Posted:
1/27/02 10:23am
Subject:
RE: Short Attention Span Theater Presents...
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OMG! This is great!
I liked this part:
****************************************
MITCH: You seem to have a lot of hostility, Boba. Would you like to explore that?
FETT: No.
*****************************************
LOL
-----signature-----
-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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TheDarth
Registered:
Sep '01
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Date Posted:
1/27/02 1:10pm
Subject:
RE: Short Attention Span Theater Presents...
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You sir, are the most talented comedy writer EVER (on the jc )
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BlindMan
Registered:
Nov '01
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Date Posted:
1/27/02 10:44pm
Subject:
RE: Short Attention Span Theater Presents...
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Thanks for the kind words, all!
COMING ATTRACTIONS:
Three Hot Chicks and a Gungan
Three Dead Guys Chillin'
Blind Man
-----signature-----
Hey! Visit my webpage, "The Rabid Bantha Bar and Grille"! Or don't! : http://www.geocities.com/sightless2/rabidbantha.html -- Check my profile for more stories... "You still got that bag I gave you?"--R2-D2/Cleveland, "Family Guy"
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TheDarth
Registered:
Sep '01
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Date Posted:
1/28/02 9:38am
Subject:
RE: Short Attention Span Theater Presents...
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lol or should i say roflmaowtime
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BlindMan
Registered:
Nov '01
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Date Posted:
2/1/02 3:53pm
Subject:
RE: Short Attention Span Theater Presents...
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Short Attention Span Theater Presents...
THREE HOT CHICKS AND A GUNGAN
From the journals of Rabe, Handmaiden to Queen Amidala:
Day 1:
The Trade Federation has invaded. This sucks, big time. I mean, sure, lots of people are dying, and stuff, but the worst part of it? The communications blackout. How's a girl supposed to keep up with her soaps if the broadcast can't get through?
Day 2:
After making my journal entry yesterday, the Queen, myself, and the rest of the entourage were rescued by a couple of hunky Jedi and a Gungan. We've escaped Naboo and are en route to a planet called Tatooine.
Day 3:
Still en route to Tatooine, and the novelty of the road trip is wearing thin. I'm having to share a room with the other handmaidens--not fun. Eirtae snores like a buzzsaw, and if I have to watch Sabe chewing her toenails one more time, I swear I'll stuff her out the airlock. On the plus side, though, I think I've caught that younger Jedi, Obi-Wan, checking me out a couple of times. Maybe I'll invite him to the room so he can show me his lightsaber. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
Day 4:
Crash landing! Something went wrong when we entered Tatooine's atmosphere. We came down hard. Everyone's dead except for me, Eirtae, Sabe, Jar Jar and the droid, R2-D2. It figures--just when I meet a nice boy...
Day 5:
After much debate, we decided to scrounge what equipment we could from the ship and sell it at a nearby settlement, Mos Espa. Surprisingly, Jar Jar took command of this operation. He seems to have undergone a radical personality shift. Eirtae thinks he may have suffered some sort of head injury in the crash; whatever the reason, I must say that I've never seen such a keenly analytical mind at work. Plus, he's got those big floppy ears that are just so cute!
We sold the parts to a junk dealer named Watto. Goofy-looking little guy. While he and Jar Jar were dickering, the other girls and I had to listen to Watto's young slave, Anakin, hitting on us. "Are you angels?" he said--like I haven't heard *that* one before....After twenty minutes of listening to this crap, I told him that I *was* an angel: the angel of death, and I was here to claim him and his entire family. He ran away, crying. The other girls glared at me.
Day 8:
We're staying in a small flat, while Jar Jar takes some of our money and bets it on the pod races. This is kind of a rough town, so the girls and I have been honing our fighting skills. And working on our tans.
Day 20:
Jar Jar is a GENIUS! He's already managed to parley the small amount we got from Watto into a fortune, betting on the races. He's purchased a fortified manor house just a few minutes outside the city. Huge, ornate place. Love it.
Day 35:
Jabba the Hutt has sent a couple of his goons to attempt an assassination on Jar Jar. Seems old J.J. beat the Hutt in a game of Sabacc--and Jabba was none too pleased. Sabe, Eirtae and I took care of the would-be assassins pretty easily, though. If they're the best Jabba has to offer, we should have no troubles.
Day 64:
Jar Jar has begun to make his move against the ganglords. Breaking them financially, or, when more violent methods are needed, sending in me and the girls. We're getting a LOT of work, these days...
Day 72:
The last of the ganglords has fallen. Jar Jar, for all intents and purposes, is now the ruler of Tatooine.
Day 90:
Jar Jar unveiled the next step of his plan to us, today. It caught us all by surprise. It's bold, I'll give him that much. But if anyone can do it...
Day 100:
We're on our way to Coruscant. Jar Jar's contacts have led him to the conclusion that Supreme Chancellor Palpatine is in fact the Sith Lord Darth Sidious. That complicates matters, but Jar Jar is determined...
Day 101:
We've arrived on Coruscant. With R2-D2's help we broke through the security measures of Chancellor Palpatine's residence--only to find him ready and waiting. Jar Jar went after Palpatine, or Sidious, or whatever you want to call him. That left Sabe, Eirtae and I to face Palpatine's apprentice, Darth Maul.
What a pansy. "Ooooh! Look at me with my scary tattoos and my double-bladed lightsaber!" We had him down on the floor in five minutes. When we went to look for Jar Jar, we found him--looking rather satisfied--in another room, next to a broken window. There was no sign of Palpatine, and we were hundreds of stories above the ground. We didn't ask any questions.
Day 102:
Jar Jar has been in a good mood all day. I haven't seen him this happy since he fed Jabba to the Sarlacc. The girls and I were given the day off, to go see the sights. Kind of boring, really; if you've seen one towering skyscraper, you've seen 'em all.
Day 103:
Jar Jar has begun to turn his attention to the other members of the Senate.
Day 105:
The rest of the Republic Senate has been...dealt with. Jar Jar has now become the undisputed Emperor of the galaxy. Sabe, Eirtae and I are now the Emperor's Hands. I love my job. The Jedi have started to make some noise about the whole thing, but I think we'll be able to handle them...
LONG LIVE EMPEROR BINKS!
Blind Man
(Yeah, I know the handmaidens are supposed to have that little mark above the "e" in their names, but I don't know how to do that. So there! )
-----signature-----
Hey! Visit my webpage, "The Rabid Bantha Bar and Grille"! Or don't! : http://www.geocities.com/sightless2/rabidbantha.html -- Check my profile for more stories... "You still got that bag I gave you?"--R2-D2/Cleveland, "Family Guy"
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Marawannabe
Registered:
Dec '01
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Date Posted:
2/1/02 4:25pm
Subject:
RE: Short Attention Span Theater Presents...
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NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not Jar Jar as Emperor!!! I'll do anything!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Aralna
Registered:
Nov '00
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Date Posted:
2/1/02 9:10pm
Subject:
RE: Short Attention Span Theater Presents...
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ROTFLMHO
-----signature-----
I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.
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Kitt327
Title: FanForce CR
North Island NZ
Registered:
Dec '00
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Date Posted:
2/1/02 10:08pm
Subject:
RE: Short Attention Span Theater Presents...
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Woo-hoo! Go Jar Jar!
-----signature-----
When it's dark enough, you can see the stars.
"Compassion, which I would define as
unconditional love, is central to a Jedi's life."
Visit FF New Zealand -
http://boards.theforce.net/New_Zealand/b10035/
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