Full Series The 'Stuff-We'll-Never-See' Thread

Stuff we'll never see?

This thread not getting derailed periodically with the same predictable jabs for the nth time since its OP.

 

"This. Thread. Is. UNSINKABLE!!!"

*crowd cheers*

A while later...

*Collides unexpectedly with a LACWAC iceberg, and is sent to the bottom of the forum.*

"Many members were banned, never to be seen again, the thread was sunk, and the survivors blame the whole thing on not being enough Mod boats on board. We are sorry for this incident and we will never make an unsinkable thread ever again."

 

I just realized Revival came and went and still no mention as to how Savage Opress produced Darth Maul's old lightsaber in Revenge. Wasn't there some word that was coming? Or was that just a rumor?

 

I don't recall hearing anything about it. I watched TPM last night and I think Maul had a death grip on the saber as he fell down the shaft. I'll go rewatch that part real quick..

EDIT: Nevermind, he did lose the lightsaber.

 

You mean retroactively near-death grip.

 

Fueled by his singular hatred for Obi Wan.

 

This is not the first time I've had people attempting (ahem) topical commentary on this thread. It probably won't be the last. Nevertheless, it's their right to post their opinions, even if they are short, brusque, and in a comedy topic. Oh, by the way, my laptop's back from being fixed and cleaned, with one episode aired and another on its way.

Kuun Fan: Okay, time for my caricature of the latest skirmish on Florrum...ah...um...hmmm...
Hondo: Admit it. You'll never be able to come up with anything funnier than the stuff I've said that day!
Kuun Fan: I...that... (resigned) Yeah. (suddenly aware) And where did YOU come from?
Hondo: Ha! No security can match a monkey lizard! (looks out) By the way, nice view.
Kuun Fan: Oh, sithspit, I hope he's not going to touch my holo collections.

Savage: Brother, we do not have to fight. Let us share our strength!
Maul: Teamwork? (patronisingly places a hand on Savage) Good for you, Savage! You had an idea! Now let's just respectfully file that away for future use, I'm sure we'll make use of it later down the line...
Savage:
Maul: Now, we're going to need a blowtorch and some peanut butter...

Maul: Join us, and we shall reward you richly!
Pirate 1: I'm in!
Pirate 2: Me too!
Pirate 3: I dunno. I heard from a friend, a colleague, a bounty, and a waitress about how these guys tend to 'reward' their employees...

Anakin: We'll need a catchy name for your movement, Steela. The Onderonians will have an easier time following it if they can proudly shout its name. Some kind of, uh, resistance, an insurrection, a-
Steela: Rebellion? Alliance?
Anakin: ...Naaah. Don't like the sound of them.

 

It's been awhile, but I'm back for more!

Obi-Wan: It's important that you elect a leader. Someone who can take command and provide strong direction.
Anakin: Yeah, without unit cohesion, you'll fall apart. Like my mom used to say, too many cooks spoil the bantha broth. Just look at the Jedi Council. (Obi-Wan shoots him a withering glare) Whaaaaat? ...Oh. Right.

King Ranjay: King Dendup, you treacherous nerf! Admit that you are coordinating with the rebels!
King Dendup: I have been isolated in my cell all this while! HOW could I coordinate an insurrection?
Ranjay: This entire palace has wifi!
Dendup: I don't even have a terminal!
Ranjay: You might be carrying an iDroid! Everyone has them these days, and some of them carry their own connection!
Dendup: If you'd just checked my Spacebook and social media pages, you'd see that I was inactive all this while!
Ranjay: (scoffs) Like I'm supposed to believe that?

Teela: Saw, we're supposed to work together! You can't go charging off!
Lux: You have to listen to Steela, the vote was fair.
Saw: (grumbling as he runs off) If we'd just had a singing contest like I wanted, I know I woulda been made leader. But noooooo, we had to be 'democratic'.

Kalani: I am Super Tactical Droid Kalani. My strategic algorithms and combat matrices shall calculate the most efficient path to crushing this rebellion.
King Ranjay: ...That is an unfortunate acronym.
Dooku: (threateningly) Beg pardon?
King Ranjay: Nothing! Nothing!

General Tandin: You can't calculate any other solution! You haven't even factored in the will of the people!
Kalani: Combat is a matter of numbers, deception, and calculating odds. The so-called will you speak of is mere chemistry which can be altered with the right science.The notion that 'respect' or 'love' could drastically affect either is a biproduct of your pitiful organic sentiments, reinforced by centuries of overly idealistic holos and literature. You inhabit the age of cold, machine precision.
General Tandin: (muttering) I'll show you cold, machine precision.

Tandin: (hands Saw a drink) Here. It'll give you strength.
Saw: (wary) How do I know it's not poison?
Tandin: Your distrust is understandable-
Saw: (belligerently) You sell-out, has-been, fatty macfat-fat!
Tandin: (blank stare) (drinks the drink himself) There, see? No poison.

Ranjay: (demonstrates his disruption-field beheading device) Notice the even char on both sides. But wait! There's more! The first hundred rebel scum who give themselves up get their heads preserved in carbonite and paraded in a free round trip in Separatist space! And did I mention, FREE ROUND TRIP? (greeted by silence) Fine, be that way. It's a steal at this price.

Kuun Fan: (reporting on Coruscant) So, could it be that the Republic Army is arming these rebels?
Ki-Adi Mundi: I can confirm that we are not ARMING the rebels.
Kuun Fan: Why are you whistling?

 

Jedi Master Bayts from the comics.

 

koonfan

All I have to say is, LOL, oh lord...

 

That's a rather unfortunate name for a Jedi Master.

 

koonfan -- EPIC!

Oh, and this one....

...oh geez. So true.

 

I've mostly done dialogue-based spoofs, but this time, I'll be doing something a little...different.

Holonet Programs We'll Never See

Game of Drones
It is a time of fusion welders and etiquette. A new battle droid sits the Iron Drone, but war is never far from the surface. The honourable House Astromech must contend with the proud, golden House Protocol, as patriarch ED-4D attempts to solve the mystery of the late Plonk ARN's dismantling.
But the intrigue goes beyond those high grade droids. The outcast of House Protocol, the dimunitive mouse droid TR-10N, accompanies the incorrectly manufactured progeny of Lord ED-4D, an R7 droid built with the chassis of an R2 unit (so you see why he's an outcast, it's a glaring continuity error), where they venture through Wild Space and beyond to reach The Great Heap, where discarded, outdated, and premium automatons alike band together to ward the realm from threats in the Outer Rim and Beyond.
For the night is dark, and full of Anchorites and Vong...

The Walking Mandead
A plague has hit the proud culture of the Mandalorians. Husks of their former glory roam the lands, dismantling everything into a barren wasteland of clean, boxlike efficiency, leaving a scrappy and surprisingly diverse band of survivors to fight for their lives and somehow solve the mystery of this mysterious and stagnant new utopia of silence and spooky peace. They face threats from their former brethren, from mysterious forces and old foes alike, yet perhaps the greatest danger lies within.
For their party is nothing short of a cruiser wreck. Their most qualified warrior doesn't actually help, their female does nothing but whine, their youngest keeps getting captured, half of them have hidden agendas, and their handsome leader is absolutely clueless. Otherwise, the whole series would have ended within the first five episodes.
Worse still: their medic seems to be going mad as he takes stims to deal with the situation, removing himself further from reality. He keeps insisting that nothing is wrong, that perhaps they're the lost ones, that maybe they should begin rethinking their lives. Maybe their brothers have the right idea after all...but for one side to have the right idea, does that not necessitate that the other is wrong?

The Ohnakas
Notorious pirate and wild space wild card Hondo Ohnaka stars in an adaptation of his underground hit autobiography "Drive a Big Tank". From his humble beginnings as a scrappy urchin sold by his parents, rising through the ranks of piracy to eventually become the scourge of Florrum, witness his life, his loves, and his lackeys. Directed, produced, and starring both Hondo and his faithful monkey lizard Pilf Mukmuk, this feel-good-drama-comedy-autobiography-adaptation-loosely-based-on-a-story-loosely-based-on-the-truth miniseries has it all!
Now with special guest appearances from Shahan Alama (who was recently acquitted for his role in holding the Senate hostage), and featuring Koff Eet and Olar Kage as "Those two pointy headed maniacs"!

Kuun Fan: (with anticipation) So what do you think?
Marth Gaul: (briefly regards his proposals, then slides them back) ...Yeeeeaaaaaah, no.
Kuun Fan: Aw. :<

 

Dude! We're totally going to need a thread like this someday in the Sequel forums!

 

Then don't forget to make one.

 

I was thinking about The Gathering today and I realized something: Yoda and Ahsoka were standing outside the cave together for a really long time! The conversations they had must have been pretty awkward:

Ahsoka: So.....
Yoda: Soooooo.....
Ahsoka: So, what species are you exactly?
Yoda: Me? Uh... a Lannik, Ithorian, Schnauser mix I am.
Ahsoka: Oh... that's interesting.
Yoda: Yes... so, met any nice boys lately, have you?
Ahsoka: Well, with that whole attatchment thing...
Yoda: Right, right... Do some crossword puzzles I will, but mean I do not want to talk to you, it does not.

 

Lol, I see some good came out of my post in the other thread about Gungi

 

Yoda: Attached to you your master is?
Ahsoka: Uhh.....
Yoda: Awkward this is..

 

Thanks a lot for tuning in, people! I may not be on as often, but invading...ah...gracing the Sequels with this brand of humour is definitely worth consideration!

Having seen The Gathering, I can't help but wonder how the other Jedi Masters discovered their crystals and what signs accompanied them. Some sense them in a cave with hundreds, others hear a whistling, a few face their fears. It's a semi-mystical event, and a rite which shows the intense spiritual bond between Jedi, lightsaber, and Force.

Naturally, I shall be lampooning this!

The Jedi Council's Crystals, and what they got from the whole lesson
Yoda: Crystal stuck at the bottom of the ice lake, recovered with the Force. Learned size doesn't matter, and that amphibious or not, falling into the ice lake is a bad idea.

Mace Windu: Trapped in an ice cavern, had enough of these mutha-stangin' caverns and their mutha-stangin' ice walls. Broke them with his bare hands until he accidentally struck a shatterpoint and freed his crystal. Learned precision. And how to solve problems with his fists.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Used a stalagmite as a foothold to reach his crystal. Learned the importance of the high ground in his endeavours.

Plo Koon: Picked up his crystal fairly easily and would have gone back much earlier, but Master Tyvokka (overseeing the expedition at the time) threw it back in and forced him to endure the trial properly. Learned the importance of patience, and that suffering builds character. Lots of character.

Kit Fisto: None too happy about being sent to an icy planet, a stray beam of light bounced off his desperate smile and freed his crystal from the roof of the cave. Ever since then, he's learned that it pays to keep a smile on your face.

Ki-Adi-Mundi: Goes in believing there's no such thing as luck. A campfire he starts reveals a secret passage and his crystal by sheer luck. Realises he's learned something, doesn't know what it is.

Eeth Koth: Much like Petro, picked up what he thought was his crystal, but which turned out to be the wrong one. Interestingly, Agen Kolar would wind up picking that original crystal years later...

Adi Gallia: ^Same deal!

Oppo Rancicis: Shaggy coat of hair stuck to ice. Had to master a precise application of Force push to free himself, and happened to stumble upon his own crystal. Learned to respect Jedi traditions, including those about keeping your hair at regulation length.

Even Piell: First crystal fell from a great height and was shattered. Second fell down a great abyss to the planet's core, where it was incinerated. Piell's perseverence was rewarded with his third crystal, but he couldn't shake the feeling that the whole event was prophetic somehow...

Shaak Ti: Fended off fifty magnaguards, five gundarks, two acklays and an ornery nerf in the process of retrieving her crystal. All just to reclaim her akul-toth ornament.

Saesee Tiin: Took a flying leap to get his crystal. Got it, and dislocated his shoulder, broke his ankle, and shattered half his ribs in the landing. Learned that fortune favours the bold, and flying works better with a starfighter.

 

We'll never see Ackbar fall into a trap and get eaten.
http://media.beta.photobucket.com/u...=images&_suid=1352439724245016440903980976568

 

That looks sooooo delicious!

His opponent Tikkes would love that...

 

I didn't know that Ackbar was made out of Ham

 

Looks like Admiral Ackbar cereal wasn't working out for him.