Saga Will to Live - RotS AU Padme/Anakin/Vader/Obi-Wan etc. (updated 12/19/12)

11/30/12 (and my last post was how many years ago )
wow, its been a really, really long time, but I found the rest of this buried on my computer so I might as well finish it

~*~*~*~
“Our time is soon”
He told me as I left for Naboo.
We are the same, he and I.
Politics! How he despised such things.
And yet…
And yet…
Let our time not be done,
I whisper to my sleeping children.
Let my will be strong.

My husband arrives today.
He is furious.
“What were you thinking!?”
His temper, I have never seen it such…
No, that is a lie
“How did you hide from me?”
When his mother,
“What if something had gone wrong? I wouldn’t have been there!”
When his mother…
“You could have been killed and I wouldn’t have been there!”
“I am not going to die,”
His wording is troubling,
Does he think?
“They could have killed you!”
He does.
How can he blame them?
I hide my pain, but not well enough
He sees and stutters
“I could not bear it. Angel, I…”
I know… I murmur platitudes I do not feel
And then I cannot do it anymore.
“No! I do not understand! How can you accuse them-?”
“I accuse them of nothing”
“That is a lie, Ani! You lie about much, but do not, do not ever lie about this.”
I can see it,
The mask,
Rising,
Settling,
Hiding him from me.
How I hate that mask.
I lash out.
“You are a coward Ani! You cannot bring yourself to admit you made a mistake, that you gave up everything, that you sold your soul, for nothing.”
“Not everything.”
The mask falls, ever so slightly it falls.
His eyes beg me to confirm this.
To make him right.
“Everything. I loved a man with honor and integrity and loyalty. What do you have of those things?”
Sweet Force, why do I say such awful things?
I am no better than he.

~*~*~*~

 

Awesome stuff. I too like the format and Padme's POV throughout. Her reflections on dreams and her newly arrived children as well as literal and figurative masks - excellent. Tag me please when you update.

 

Thank you, I'm glad you like it.

~*~*~*~

It is all falling apart.
Obi-wan tells me my Ani is gone.
But sometimes, sometimes there is a hint,
A shadow.
And I cannot do it.
I cannot run away
I never could,
A fatal flaw, I suppose.
Obi-wan is waiting
They are all waiting on my decision.

I sing to my son as he nurses,
I hold the fate and future happiness of the galaxy in my arms.
I hold my happiness in my arms.
I want to cry at the unfairness of it all
And then I want to laugh at the absurdity.
Ani will hardly look at me, but he will not leave either.
He has packed to return to Imperial Center three times in as many days.
It is almost endearing.
“The Emperor has demanded my return.”
And then I remember, he is the dark lord.
Of the Sith.
If I do not laugh I will cry.

~*~*~*~

 

Oh what a jumble tumble of emotions

 

I have mixed feeling about this section, especially Padme's teasing in the beginning, but anyways, here it is:

~*~*~*~

My husband has not spoken a full sentence to me in four days.
“We could make millions writing holodramas.”
I cannot believe I said that,
How desperate I must seem,
But still
He does not laugh.
He never laughs.
I miss it.
“Or soap operas. Do you think the Emperor enjoys soap operas?”
Still no laugh, not even a smile.
“We have plenty of raw material.”
My voice is wry
“We could call it something horribly romantic like ‘Across the Stars’ or-”
I waggle my eyebrows suggestively and say with Great Drama:
“The Queen’s Lover”
He stares at me dully and I cannot maintain my levity
“Blast it Ani, you could at least say something. I am trying to apologize.”
His expression is grim.
Such an expression on his face is never a good sign.
He always was a stubborn one.
“There is nothing to apologize for, I cannot go back Padme.”
Guilt? Now he feels guilt?
Why now?
Why not weeks ago?
Why does he hear my words now?
Does he know?
Can he feel my resolve?
“I love you, I will always love you, even as you are now, because I do not, I cannot, believe you could have changed so much.”
“I have done too much. Angel, I killed… I killed”
“I know.”
If I ask him again, will he break my heart?
“Run away with me.”
“I will not.”
It is a whisper.
And my heart shatters.
Again.
Why must he have discovered his honor now?
His loyalty.
Why must it be to the wrong man?
He has grown, in these past weeks.
He always was a contradiction.
So childish some days and yet aged beyond his years
Honed by terrible experience and grand adventure.
But now,
Now in this moment he is ancient.

~*~*~*~

 

Wow! The teasing works for me because I sense her desperate search for something to bring back normalness and he the way he was. Sad to think that he cannot feel an overriding loyalty to his family coupled with a sense of betrayal - "I was duped!!!!" The guilt seems to reflect some sense of that knowing, or at least that Anakin himself betrayed his own values, besides anyone else.

 

~*~*~*~
It is time to make a decision.
And I cannot back down now.
So I tell him
“I am taking the children to Obi-wan and the Republic.”
Or what remains of it anyways…
I wait for the fury
The eruption
None comes, and I wonder
Have we done it?
He will not run away with me, but will he...?
“Yes.”
Is that all?
Is that all he will say?
“You are not angry?”
“No.”
I raise a skeptical brow and for the first time in weeks, his lips twitch and then curve in a wry, self-deprecating smile I have grown far too familiar with.
“I probably would have been, before-“
“Before when?”
“…I’m not sure.”
His expression is sad, full of regret and all the things he wants to say to me but can’t.
All the things he wants to apologize to Obi-wan for and never will.
It will never be the same between us as before.
But somehow we are at peace.
For the first time in weeks we are at peace.
“They will be safe with Obi-wan, safer than here, but, my Angel-”
“Yes?”
“You will go with them.”
I am utterly without words
He is giving me up.
He is ‘letting go.'
“My children will have a mother, a mother to love them, promise me-“
“What?”
Is that my voice?
It is far too raw,
Too unsteady
I am never so unsteady
“Tell them about me. All of me, all of this,”
“Ani-“
“Promise me!”
“I promise.”
He has changed.
Neither of us is sure when.
But he will never be the same.
Nor will I.

~*~*~*~

“I am going to kill him, Angel.”
I know this.
Our time is soon, he told me
Before,
Before the twins birth
Before the change
Before, he would kill Palpatine to take his power, but now…
“Will you take his place?” I ask.
“No.”
I allow myself to hope.
“I would not know what to do with it all.”
He is so sad, in this moment
“Once upon a time I thought I would. I knew exactly how I would wield such power.”
I remember the picnic
The first picnic before the war
Before everything fell apart.
Back when he teased me mercilessly,
Back when he laughed at the idea of being a dictator.
“And then I was given it… I chose it.”
I can see his regret clearly,
There had been little love lost between him and Master Windu,
but he had not wished him dead,
and the younglings…
Sometimes I could not look at my husband.
“And all of my plans, all of my dreams… I have done nothing. My mother would be ashamed of me. I know you are and you should be. I’m ashamed of me.”
What has changed in him?
Everything and nothing, I suppose.
“Did you know?”
I ask because I must. I have to know, those weeks when the Empire was born and we danced around each other, played the most dangerous of games,
Did he know?
Did he know about the ‘rebellion’ such as it is?
Did he know about Obi-wan?
Did he know how I lied?
He looks at me for a long time, his gaze steady and full of sorrow,
He knows what I ask.
“You were fading. I was trying so hard to save you, I did everything that was asked of me, every awful thing and you were still dying.”
“I was perfectly healthy”
I tried to lighten his mood.
I failed.
But he smiled anyway
An empty expression.
“When you… disappeared, when you shielded and your presence faded, I thought… I thought ‘please force you can’t, you can’t make it all for nothing’ except it could- It almost did.”

“I would not have left.”

“You are stronger than I am. I could not do it Angel. I could not stand your hate- ”

“I didn't- I don’t…”

“Your disappointment or worse, your indifference.”

“You are still a good man.”

“Only with you here. I do not like myself when you are gone. I am a coward, Padme- ”

“No- ”

“I am Padme, my fear has driven me for too long, but today, today it is time for this coward to be brave. Its time I truly was the Hero-with-no-fear.”

I gave him the information Obi-wan and I stole. The proof of Palpatine’s betrayal for all the galaxy to see.
“Use it.”
“Aggressive negotiations, Senator?”
I laugh, oh it has been so long since I really laughed.
And Ani smiled, a real smile.
We will win.

~*~*~*~

Another section of which I have mixed feelings about, I think I'm mostly happy with it. There is no one moment when Darth Vader ceases to be, his is a slow death that began the moment his children were born and Padme lived, but I am never sure if I am clear enough about the progression of it.

 

You show the dichotomy and the shift excellently And the poignant sense of loss and not being able to go back

 

~*~*~*~

My worry knows no bounds.
It is not an unfamiliar feeling; we have been separated before,
But never have I felt with such certainty that I would not see him again.
He would succeed.
He must.
I take comfort in my children
And my fellow survivors of the Republic.
Obi-wan and Bail hover constantly, I am sure the two of them were mother hens in another life.
We all dare not even breathe for fear of discovery as we wait for news of Anakin and Palpatine.
Let us hope we do not all suffocate.

~*~*~*~

 

~*~*~*~

On Coruscant-
There is outrage.
It started with rumors
Whispers.
Palpatine is corrupt
All this time…
All this time…
A Separatist
A Traitor
And then there was the footage.
The manipulation
The secret meetings
And so many deaths
Revealed.
Replayed and passed along in secret,
aired in brief spurts by the braver media houses.
Spreading, as all good gossip does, like wildfire through dry grass.
The depth of our Chancellor’s betrayal
Brought to light.
I remember my words from long ago,
I move for a vote of no confidence…
No confidence.
I smile, it has come full circle.
My Ani has done it.
My heart is full of pride,
and grief.
The people of the Republic are furious,
And these weeks of celebration have turned to riots and yet more acts of violence.
This is not over yet,
Our Republic will not die quietly,
We are strong,
And this war will yet rage on.

~*~*~*~