Story [Multi-Fandom] The Count's Drabbles (12/30: "Ancillary Intervention Services" (Community))

Title: Thaw and Order
Fandom: Judge Dredd / Get Smart


Dredd had bristled when first told he would be assisting another Judge on the investigation, but this was apparently the Megacity's greatest expert on these terrorists and had voluntarily entered suspended animation in case the group ever resurfaced.

"Why," Dredd asked, staring at the pod, "does he look like he tripped and fell in?"

The attended explained, "We think he tripped and fell in. The story about voluntary suspension was probably an excuse not to thaw him back out."

The bristling returned. Dredd needed to be out hunting down KAOS himself, not babysitting some anachronistic incompetent like this Judge Smart.

 

Title: A Nighttime Swim
Fandom: The Avengers


Tara raised her head above the waterline just long enough to regain her bearings in the tunnel, then dove once more into the inky gloom. She knew she was getting closer when the flow became faster and stronger. Swimming against the current, she slowly pushed herself toward the Duke's underground dock.

She pulled herself up a ladder and scanned the dock for guards. It appeared deserted, but then she noticed the sprawled bodies. Steed stepped out from behind a stack of crates and doffed his bowler. "It turns out, Miss King, there was an easier way down here after all."

 

Title: We Did Start the Fire
Fandom: 30 Rock


The fire investigator stepped out of the ashen remains of the Writers' Room carrying a wastebasket. "Ms. Lemon, Mr. Hornberger, this is where the fire began. Someone threw what appears to have been a Hot Pocket into this basket overflowing with paper, which burst into flame. The damage would likely have been less severe, except that when the fire reached your substandard table, it exploded with the force of three sticks of dynamite."

"Wow," Liz gasped, "that is just shocking."

"I know. One of our writers threw away a Hot Pocket," Pete said.

Liz nodded. "While it was still warm!"

 

Title: Tosh 2.0
Fandom: Torchwood


Jack yanked cables from one computer as Gwen and Ianto disconnected others. "We have to stop this thing before it gets out of Torchwood's system to the Internet!"

"Why are you trying to kill me again?" Tosh's voice called out.

"You're not Tosh!" Gwen cried. "You're just some alien computer virus!"

"I don't feel like a virus," the voice said uncertainly. "I have all of Tosh's memories, at least up to the point I - well, she - uploaded them. Like that time I... That is not my memory. It's Owen's! Where's Owen? I could murder him for messing with my programme!"

 

Title: The Anthropomorphism Dichotomy
Fandom: The Big Bang Theory


While Howard was in the bathroom, Bernadette sat on his bed and absently flipped through one of his Star Wars comics. A few pages in, something caught her eye, and she smiled. "Oh, how cute!"

"What?" Howard called out from the bathroom.

"I didn't know Star Wars had a giant green rabbit guy," she said.

The disgust was evident as he replied, "Oh, him. That's Jaxxon."

"What's wrong with him?" she asked.

"Uh, he's a giant green rabbit."

"Says the man who went on for half an hour tonight about his Pandaren monk," she retorted.

He yelled, "That's totally different!"

 

Title: Physical Psych
Fandom: Community


"I hate you so much right now," Garrett screamed, phlegm flying. "I hate you so much, I'm like a swirling vortex of pure hate!"

Abed's head tilted. "I don't see any swirling. You're vibrating a little, but not in a swirly or vortexy way."

Garrett's voice rose an octave. "It's just a metaphor!" Somewhere, a dog howled.

"It's a simile, actually," Abed corrected. "And now you're hopping up and down."

Garrett made a strangled cry and ran from the room. "Still not swirling!" Abed yelled after him.

"It's cool," Troy said, "the way you were messing with Garrett."

"Right, messing."

 

Title: A Run in the Car Park
Fandom: Doctor Who


The Doctor alternately ran, slid, stumbled, and rolled down the wet, grassy slope, clutching his Panama in one hand and his umbrella in the other. Ace briefly considered following, but she decided to run down the stairs instead. They reached the car park just in time to see the Zygon climb into a car on the far side.

They'd made it barely halfway across when the car pulled out onto the road and sped away. "We'll never catch him now," Ace panted.

The Doctor held up a spark plug and frowned. "I may have stolen this from the wrong car."

 

Title: Immune Response
Fandom: Judge Dredd


"Ha, Judge!" the punk taunted, sneering. "You can't touch me!"

Dredd gently tapped the side of the guy's head, just enough to make him stagger. "I just did."

"You're in trouble now, drokkface! You're gonna pay for that! I have diplomatic imm-" Dredd punched him again, breaking his nose. "Ow!"

"What's diplomatic immow?" Dredd asked.

The perp's response was rendered incomprehensible by pain, blood, and tears. "If you meant diplomatic immunity, your father revoked that an hour ago." He drew his Lawgiver and pointed it right between the guy's eyes.

The punk's next word came out loud and clear: "Drokk."

 

Title: Future Asok
Fandom: Dilbert


"If you're really from the future," Dilbert asked, "what are next week's lottery numbers?"

"If you're really from the present, what are last week's numbers?" the older Asok shot back.

Wally wondered, "What happens to us in the future?"

Asok nodded toward Dilbert, Wally, and Alice. "You three are among the first to die in the coming apocalypse, unless I can prevent it."

"What about me?" their boss asked.

"You're history's greatest monster! You're the cause of the apocalypse," Asok explained. "Afterward, you become a brutal and sadistic despot."

The boss grinned. "Ha! I do survive! In your face, losers!"

 

Title: A God's Obligation
Fandom: Superman


"Do not make this any harder than it has to be, Kryptonian," Darkseid said. Superman held back his retort as he realized that he had heard in Darkseid's tone something he'd never expected to hear from the New God: uncertainty. No, he thought, that wasn't quite right. Was it possible? Was Darkseid actually embarrassed about what he had to do?

"Make what harder?" Superman asked tentatively, in case this was a trap.

Darkseid looked around as if he wanted to make sure they were alone on the planetoid. "I promised Granny that I would help her Female Furies sell cookies."

 

Title: Standard Deviation
Fandom: Star Trek


"I assure you," Spock explained to the young ensign, "that the captain's reputation in this regard is somewhat exaggerated. His number of sexual liaisons with other members of the crew is only one standard deviation above the median for human officers aboard the Enterprise."

"So you're saying that shipboard dalliances are common?"

"That depends what you mean by common," Spock said.

"Well, if I may ask, sir, how many women on the Enterprise have you slept with?"

"Not counting times I was some form of mind control," Spock answered, "four."

The ensign smiled. "I knew I'd picked the right assignment."

 

Title: A Final Request
Fandom: The Thin Man


Nick reluctantly dropped his gun and kicked it away, just as his new captors demanded. "Now reach for the sky," the lead thug demanded, gesturing unnecessarily with the barrel of his Tommy gun.

Nick raised his hands. "Aren't you even going to give a condemned man a final request?"

The men looked from one to another and shrugged. Finally, one asked, "What do you want?"

"Just something to drink. I'm guessing a martini's out of the question, but do you have any scotch or bourbon?"

"We ain't got no booze," the leader grumbled.

"That's fine," Nick said. "I can wait."

 

Title: A Rising Gale
Fandom: The Avengers


Cathy slowly sat up in the bed. The blur in the distance started to grow larger, and Cathy realised it was someone walking across the room toward her. She couldn't make out details, but thought she recognized the vague shape of a bowler hat. "Steed?" she croaked.

"Mrs. Gale, you're awake at last," the man said, and now Cathy could see that he was much older than her friend.

"Sorry, you looked like someone," she said.

He frowned and asked, "What's the last thing you remember?"

"We were investigating the Parminster disappearance."

"That," he explained, "was nearly thirty years ago!"

 

Title: Relative Discomfort
Fandom: Gilmore Girls


Rory and her mother had spent the better part of the evening on the phone comparing notes about Richard and Emily's winter in the Caribbean. "This is so unfair," Lorelai groused. "Why do they only share the most salacious details with you?"

"Because you say, 'Ew!' every three seconds when they try," Rory said.

"So?" Somewhere behind her, a door slammed closed.

"Is that Luke?" Rory asked.

Lorelai explained, "He's trying to get closer to April by being equipment manager for her trock band."

"Must be rough for him."

"He still can't call Doctor Who anything but 'that show.'"

 

That was the last fanfic drabble I'd written before the challenge started up. Since then, I've usually written one drabble a day, the five weekday ones being the challenge responses and the weekend ones being original. Most of the time, the ones I've been writing on Saturdays are responses to io9's Concept Art Writing Prompt. And then, one week, the challenge themes were posted a day late. So my Monday drabble that week was original, and I wrote two on Friday so I could post on time. This meant that when I saw that week's Writing Prompt and immediately got a fanfic idea, I was free to indulge. [When it happened again later, I just wrote another original drabble on Saturday.]

Title: Moving House
Fandom: The Addams Family
Originally Posted: April 13, 2013


"Kids!" Morticia called out. "Uncle Fester! We're leaving for Cousin Cacophonia's wedding soon! Are you ready to go?"

Wednesday and Pugsley came out of their rooms. "Yes, father."

Gomez donned his leather pilot's helmet. "Perfect! Let's go!" He pulled a giant lever in the wall; a captain's wheel rose from the floor, and the entire house rose from its foundations on giant segmented legs. "And we're off! Tish, why do I feel like I've just forgotten something?"

They'd barely taken two steps when they heard a giant crash upstairs. Fester staggered out of his room. "Hey, I wasn't ready yet!"

 

Title: All My Exes
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Eleventh
Spoilers: "The Name of the Doctor"


"I knew there'd been others before me," Clara said, "but I never realized just how many. I bet you don't keep in touch with all of them."

"How many of your exes are you in contact with?" the Doctor countered.

"All of them. Well, both of them." She shrugged. "Only have two."

"Fine, quiz me," he suggested.

"The Ice Warrior?" she asked.

"Married the blonde."

Clara smiled. "Good for them. The giant penguin?"

The Doctor briefly looked blank. "Frobisher? I'd completely forgotten about him."

"How could you forget a talking penguin?" she challenged.

He tutted. "That's such a speciesist question."

 

A couple weeks back, Steam offered a free-play weekend for a game I'd heard great things about but never tried myself, Saint's Row: The Third. Anyway, that inspired this.

Title: Hearing Voices
Fandom: Saint's Row


That familiar voice came over the radio. "His all-American good looks gaze out over Steelport from banners a hundred feet tall. But is this really the face of the leader of the Saints? One professor says maybe not."

A male voice said, "Based on eyewitness accounts and audio recordings, I've identified at least six suspected 'leaders,' both male and female, of the gang. They're not even all American. I think one may be a Russian lesbian."

"Sadly, Professor Oliver Duncaster of Steelport Community College was gunned down moments after that interview. This is Jane Valderamma with your Steelport Education Report."

 

Title: Out of the Blue
Fandom: Doctor Who


Consciousness returned suddenly. "What happened?" demanded Strax. "Did anyone note the registration of the battle cruiser that struck me?"

As he climbed to his feet, he noticed Jenny was covering her eyes, while Madame Vastra was grinning with wry amusement. "Why would a battle cruiser steal your clothes?"

"What? Talk sense, you reptilian female!"

She explained, "Strax, you're naked."

"Ha, impossible!" he bellowed. "A Sontaran Warrior is never without his battle armour!"

She gestured toward the mirror. "Really?"

He stared at his reflection for several minutes, turning this way and that. "I'd always wondered," he admitted, "what genitalia looked like."

 

Title: In the Zone
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Eighth


The Doctor turned to Charley and C'rizz and flashed a reassuring grin. So far, this latest zone to which they'd been led seemed nice enough; the weather was perfect, and the vegetation lush but not overwhelming. Best of all, there was a settlement a short stroll away.

"I hope they have food," Charlie said. "I'm starving."

A few minutes later, as they entered the clearing around the village, the first question they were asked was, "What have you eaten today?"

"Excuse me?" said C'rizz.

The man explained, "It's all about the ratio of calories from carbs and fats and proteins!"

 

From one Big Finish squad to another.

Title: The Ruler of the Game
Fandom: Doctor Who
Doctor: Fifth


"This is absurd!" Erimem spat. "In my kingdom, my royal guards would find the guilty party and force him to confess!"

"They'd find a party, I'm sure," Peri moaned.

Before Erimem could respond, the Doctor interjected, "Please remember that we're no longer in your kingdom. And just at the moment, you're not Erimemushinteperem, deposed ruler of Egypt, but Mrs. Peacock, who definitely doesn't have any royal guards."

"My apologies, Doctor." Erimem stared thoughtfully at the Cluedo board for a moment. "I should have played as Colonel Mustard. As a military officer, he would have soldiers to carry out his orders."

 

Yes, this is based on the Atari game. Well, based on the Saturday morning cartoon based on the Atari game. But since nothing in the cartoon contradicts the game series canon (unlike, say, Space Ace), that's good enough.

Title:Say Uncle
Fandom: Pitfall


Rhonda pulled against her chains, but she was held tight to the ancient stone. "How are we going to get out of this one, Uncle Pitfall?"

Their captor paused in the cell's doorway and looked back at his prisoners. "Excuse me, little girl," he said, "but I must have misheard. Did you just call your uncle by his nickname?"

"I say 'Uncle Harry' sometimes."

"I see," he lied. "For a moment, I wondered if Pitfall were your actual given name and Harry your last name."

Harry explained, "No, it's just my nom de guerre. My real name is Harry Rabinowitz."

 

Title: Long Time Gone
Fandom: Sapphire & Steel


Steel felt his physical form coalesce into the real world. He didn't need to turn around to recognize the familiar presence he felt behind him. "Hello, Sapphire," he said. "It's been a long time."

"Fifteen days," she replied.

"Pardon?"

She explained, "It's only been fifteen days since we last worked together."

"Are you certain?" he asked. "It feels longer."

"I'm sure it does, but it isn't. It would have to," she agreed, "for anyone who spent sixty years stuck inside a single hour last Tuesday."

He nodded. "You heard about that?"

"I can sense it. And also Gold told me."

 

Title: As the Grave
Fandom: Doctor Who
Spoilers: "The Wedding of River Song"


"Doctor who?" yelled Dorium's head. "Doctor who? Doctor who?" Even as he heard the TARDIS grinding its way through dematerialisation, he kept shouting those two words.

"Oi!" The voice was muffled, but the tone was clear. A couple seconds later, he heard the front panel of another box falling open. The voice asked, "Would you please put a sock in it, you moron?"

"Give me one good reason why I should," Dorium demanded.

A different voice interjected, "Because this is a designated Quiet Crypt. No cell phones, no loud music, and no shouting."

Dorium snorted derisively but stayed otherwise silent.

 

Title: Bow Ties Are Cool
Fandom: Doctor Who / Buckaroo Banzai
Doctor: Eleventh


The Doctor dismissed Amy's criticism as he typically did. "Bow ties are cool."

"I've always thought so." Another skinny bloke in a grey suit and bow tie came up from behind Amy.

The Doctor nodded. "Buckaroo."

"Doctor."

"Buckaroo Banzai?" gasped Rory. "Doctor, you know the Buckaroo Banzai?"

The Doctor grinned. "Blue Blaze Irregular Number Eleven."

"Wow. I'm more like eleven thousand," Rory said.

“Eleven thousand?” Banzai whispered.

"Perfect," Amy moaned, rolling her eyes. "Now my husband's geeking out. Listen, Buckaroo, if that is your real name, I have just one question."

"Shoot."

"What," she wondered, "is your opinion of fezzes?"

 

Title: The Power of the Fourth
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer


Mayor Richard Wilkins stood on the dais and looked out at the gathered crowd. It sometimes astonished him that on this day, even in a town like Sunnydale, hundreds of people - many of them families with small children - were happy to stand around in some park past sundown staring up at the sky.

He started his speech with, "I remember the first Independence Day celebration; it was- no, I'm kidding, of course. I'm not that old." He looked for the undead predators he was sure were hunting in the crowd and wondered if any of them really were that old.