Lit Join Me and Achieve Perfection: A Reread of The Glove of Darth Vader

I believe the two elements that combine to make these things so bad in such an enjoyable way is the combination of incomprehensibly bad prose (I can honestly say that I wrote better when I was six years old, and that is no boast) and unrelenting preachiness that truly seems to be an effort to elevate idiocy into an art form. They are enjoyable because the diction is so wrong and the situations so absurd and the "messages" so violently hurled at you that you feel compelled to keep reading.

The lesson here is that we're lucky R2 got to be the one who recounts the Star Wars saga. Had it been whoever told these tales in-universe (Leia per the Polyhedron article, I believe), Troll 2 would definitely lose the title of Best Worst Movie.

Much like the Davidses, Artoo cannot speak in words. But he has Threepio to translate for us. Alas, we have no Rosetta stone for the curious form of communication that the Davidses use. We are forced to interpret their scribblings entirely on our own.

That's subtle. Where's the ivory stump? And, of course, Leviathor is white.

I think the Davidses were extrapolating from another source. At least it proves they can count.

Why go to the trouble of developing personalities for your characters when you can simply come up with physical traits and let them make a character who they are? "Laser pistol earrings = lean & crafty." Done.

That is the new face of literature. It's so avant-garde it won't be accepted for fantastillions of years, but make no mistake, it's there, and the Davidses introduced it.

Actually, isn't that as good a description of Mon Mothma as is possible? Sure, there has been some character development over the years, but I don't believe there really is much more to her.

 

The "Great War", huh? Is that the name of his personal crusade against Leviathor, or an odd way of speaking of the GCW? Or maybe even a local war on Calamari? This needs a retcon/explanation stat...

 

Actually this doesn't even need to be a contradiction. Remember that Darth Vader, the epitome of the Dark Side at this point, was basically a cyborg -- so it's not much of a stretch to assume that maybe "mastering the dark side" necessarily involves the use of evil technological gadgets. Maybe when Vader pleaded with Luke to join him on the Dark Side, he was actually suggesting he should have more of his limbs replaced, put on electrocution gloves and have deoxygenators implanted in his wrists.
So IMO the conclusion that the Dark Side is something purely metaphysical and moral (the way we see it now) is in no way self-evident from the films (after all, we luckily don't know what Palps looked like under those robes)... and identifying "use of bionics and malevolent technology" with the Dark Side does not sound too far-fetched. (I'm also thinking of Shadowrun here, where you lose Mana points the more bionic enhancements you install.)

Oh and by all means, do go on.

 

Do tell me this is another one of those "Chewbacca is two hundred years old in ANH, so he must be exactly 205 years old five years later" calculations the EU is so fond of.

 

I'm glad the summary of Triolculus cleared up that one of his three eyes is an evil eye.

I might not have realised he was the villain otherwise. Thank you summary page!

 

So does that mean that two of his eyes are good? Shouldn't that make him 2/3 good person? It could be that eyes are usually neutral. Lawful neutral or chaotic neutral? Since his evil eye is stoned, I say it's chaotic evil.

Thank you summary page, for making me think about alignments of eyes! And I have pronounced his name wrong all this time!

 

So when all is said and done can we hand that instantdeath guy a medal and a one-way ticket to the rehab center?

 

That's something that I meant to touch on, but didn't because I had to bang out that post in about 15 minutes; the fact that the book just feels so genuine. If I decide that I'm going to write the worst book ever written, I can practically guarantee I won't be able to hide the fact that that's my intent. My troll face will bleed through the text. When you watch Birdemic, it's painfully obvious within the first 30 seconds of the film that this guy is trying, and failing miserably. That's what I get from this book. When I read The Glove of Darth Vader, I'm left with the impression that they are really trying to both entertain me and educate me (and for the nonbelievers, this is confirmed by Paul Davids, who defends the book on his website). It's that sense of very real passion and effort, mixed with a lack of technical skills, that makes the book what it is.

Actually, that was conclusively proven near the beginning of the book, in the chapter "The Seven Words of Trioculus".

Who say's I'm not writing this from a mental institution?

Anyway, I should be starting The Lost City of the Jedi later today, or early tonight.

 

Will you post a link to the lost city thread, please?

 

It will be in this thread. Very unforeseen circumstances came up, preventing me from doing it last night. I'll start fresh tomorrow after my exams are finally finished.

 

I have disposed of my cute lil kitten avatar in favor of something with real merit.

 

Pfft. Just tell your professors that you are too busy reading an artwork of great cultural value to bother with their silly "finals" and "grades" and "passing".

 

They will understand, if they still have a heart.

 

As much as I find this series hilarious, I do get nostalgic about it, mostly for the Struzan art and because it was my first introduction to the EU as a kid, along with SOTE soon after.

I think it would be great if Dark Horse gave us the real version of events that happened in this series. They could fit it better in the EU with Isard's Empire around and tie-ins to Plagueis and Palpatine's life experiments, rework the characterizations, and maybe trim down the story (and environmental messages) to devote only one issue per book (with nice Struzan cover art). Then at the end they can tie up the whole marriage problem.

Dark Horse did a decent job adapting Splinter of the Mind's Eye and the Thrawn Trilogy years ago, so I'd be fascinated to see their more grounded take on this storyline. That is if they get to keep the license.

 

I'm going to flat-out admit that, yes, I do own every book in this series. They're buried away somewhere but I do have them. And I read them, too. I was kind of the age for it but I had actually read "Heir to the Empire" first so this was kind of a let down to young teenage me.

 

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There actually isn't a marriage problem. Paul Davids announced his original intentions of writing a seventh Jedi Prince book. The book would have opened with Han and Leia's wedding being trolled by TIE Fighters in an Imperial attack. I'm not sure who the Big Bad would have been. Presumably, somewhere along the way the two, or at least Leia would have realized that they can't afford to get married at such a dangerous time. Alas, it was not to be. ​

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Anyway, spent today completing three exams, spent about six hours lugging crap out of my dorm, in addition to lots of sweeping/mopping/other stuff I suck at, and had to drive two hours. I'm exhausted. Needless to say, I will be starting The Lost City of the Jedi right away. Give me an hour or two

 

whoah i thought i was the only one!

 

Fair enough, though intentions are just that - they aren't definitive. It's like the loose ends left by TCW and TFUII. We know where they probably will end up and can work around them, but it would be nice if they were actually addressed in some finished media.

I also must admit I wouldn't mind seeing Hasbro take on some of those humanoid droid designs in their Build-a-Droid line.

Also I laugh out loud every time I see that imperial with the blaster earrings...

 

I often wonder how the conversations went down between the Davids and illustrator Karl Kesel.

"You want me to draw what on his ears?!?"

Edit: Also, belated, but I wish your former self of this past day good luck on those exams, instantdeath!

 

And we're back, ready to embark on our next great adventure and learn all sorts of new ways to protect our environment.

Before I begin, I'd like to wax nostalgic for a second. This thought had actually slipped my mind before, but hit me like the Lightning Power of the Dark Side today, and felt I had to share. Y'see, this thread is, in many ways, an anniversary for me. It's completing the circle. I say this, because my first ever post, and my first ever thread, on this forum was in reference to the Jedi Prince series. The EU was a big, scary place, and I just couldn't figure out these strange books with whales and cyclops' on the cover. Were they supposed to be canon? Did Han Solo really do the Space Pirate Boogie somewhere in a galaxy far, far away? Does this Trioculus guy really have a heart? These questions were gnawing at my mind, to the point where they all but forced me to sign up for this forum and seek the answers. Now, three years later, I'm delighted to report that I have not evolved in the slightest bit. I'm still talking about the damn Jedi Prince books. Only this time, rather than discovering it all for the first time, I'm slowly peeling back the layers, grasping at hidden meanings.

Now, it is my mission to bring that same sense of joy I received to others.

But that's enough time spent in the past. As is the spirit of these books, the only direction to go is forward, to make a brighter tomorrow.


The Lost City of the Jedi



Another Jedi Prince book, another pretty cover. Note: that's a serious compliment. I'm aware it can be difficult to tell in this thread sometimes. This isn't one of the better ones, but it does catch the eye. Of course, it does also have Ken Palpatine up front and center...



Let's move on, shall we? Gotta start somewhere, and it wouldn't be Star Wars without the opening crawl.

The Adventure Continues...
It was an era of darkness, a time when the evil Empire ruled the galaxy. Fear and terror spread across every planet and moon as the Empire tried to crush all who resisted-but still the Rebel Alliance survived.

The Rebel Alliance was formed by heroic men, women, and aliens, united against the Empire in their valiant fight to restore freedom and justice to the galaxy.

Luke Skywalker joined the Alliance after his uncle purchased a pair ofdroids known as See-Threepio (C-3P0) and Artoo-Detoo (R2-D2). The droids were on a mission to save the beautiful Princess Leia. Leia, an Alliance leader, was a captive of the Empire.

In his quest to save Princess Leia, Luke was assisted by Han Solo, the dashing pilot of the spaceship Millennium Falcon, and Han’s copilot, Chewbacca, a hairy alien known as a Wookiee.

Han and Luke eventually succeeded in rescuing the Rebel Princess, but their struggle against the Empire did not end there. Luke and his ragtag group of Rebel freedom fighters battled armor-clad stormtroopers and mile-long star destroyers. Finally they destroyed two of the Empire’s mightiest weapons: the Imperial Death Stars, which were as big as moons, and powerful enough to explode entire planets.

In the course of his adventures Luke sought out the wise old hermit, Obi-Wan Kenobi, who became one of Luke’s teachers in the ways of the Jedi Knights.

The Jedi Knights, an ancient society of brave and noble warriors, were the protectors of the Old Republic in the days before the Empire was formed. The Jedi believed that victory comes not just from physical strength but from a mysterious power called the Force.

The Force lies hidden deep within all things. It has two sides: one side that can be used for good, the other the Dark Side, a power of absolute evil.

After the deaths of the two evil Imperial leaders-Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine-a three-eyed tyrant who claimed to be the Emperor’s son rose to lead the Empire. However, he was a liar and an impostor. His name was Trioculus. Trioculus was aided in his rise to power by the Central Committee of Grand Moffs, a group of sinister Imperial governors who spread terror, misery, and fear on many planets. Grand Moff Hissa had masterminded the secret plot to put Trioculus on the throne, as part of an even darker plot that would give the grand moffs more authority.

However, Kadann, the Supreme Prophet of the Dark Side, foretold that the rightful heir to the Emperor’s command would wear the glove of Darth Vader, a powerful and indestructible symbol of evil. To strengthen his claim to be Emperor, and to unite the Imperial warlords who had been feuding among themselves, Trioculus embarked on a search for the glove.

Despite Luke Skywalker’s efforts to prevent Trioculus from ever finding the glove of Darth Vader, Trioculus recovered the prize on a mission to the ocean world of Calamari. There the Imperials and the Rebels survived a deadly undersea explosion, leaving their fates unknown to one another.
Trioculus is now on a journey to see Kadann, to seek the Supreme Prophet’s dark blessing and acceptance of his claim to be the rightful ruler of the Empire.

Meanwhile, Luke has arrived in Cloud City on Rebel Alliance business, and he is now on his way to visit Han Solo before he returns to Alliance headquarters on the fourth moon of Yavin.
Unknown to Luke, a strange dream is about to lead him on a mysterious quest-a search to find the legendary Lost City of the Jedi!

I have no idea how much of that was recycled from the crawl to The Glove of Darth Vader. I'm not checking either. I'm already running on caffeinated zoochberry juice alone. And just great... in addition to referencing the movies to hell and back, we'll also be getting the same treatment for the first book in the series. Huzzah's are in order.


Chapter 1: The Bomb and the Dream

The novel opens with Luke Skywalker knocking on his old buddy Han's warehouse. A metal lens (like that one in ROTJ, remember?!) pops out and examines Luke's face, having ample time to stop make an annoying noise.

BJEE-DITZZZ!BJEE-DITZZZ!

Sorry, two annoying noises. It apparently was purely indulging itself, though, because a moment later it demonstrates its ability to speak Basic by requesting Luke show him his ID card and to submit for a fingerprint check.

"Gracious," exclaimed See-Threepio, Luke’s golden droid. "Han has certainly become strict about security!"


Artoo-Detoo whistled timidly in agreement.


"Maybe that’s because Han’s warehouse is in Port Town," replied Luke. "This happens to be one of the most dangerous neighborhoods in Cloud City-a hangout for all types of alien hoods and sleazy, small-time gamblers."

Well, that's no place to build a skyhouse.

Luke sticks his left thumb into the ID slot- it's specifically noted that he can't do the same with his right, because that's an artificial hand, which he "lost in a duel with the evil Darth Vader" (love how they routinely ignore the fact that Vader was redeemed).

ZHOOOOM!

As everyone who has a garage can attest, that's exactly the noise it makes when the door lifts up.

Chewbacca, the Wookiee, greets Luke and the droids. Afterwards, Chewbacca, the Wookiee, gives Luke a big hug, and gives him a "Rooow-rowf". Luke asks Chewbacca, the Wookiee, to take it easy, he's got a bruised shoulder (how did that happen?! Damn those authors, keeping us in the dark). After these pleasantries, we are clued in on the specifics of the mission.

Luke, Threepio, and Artoo had come to the planet Bespin on a mission for SPIN-the Senate Planetary Intelligence Network. Lando Calrissian, the governor of Cloud City, had requested their help because food pirates had invaded all of the big hotels and food storage companies. In the raids stolen food was shipped off to a secret Imperial base for the Empire, who needed food for its army of stormtroopers.

Artoo-Detoo had helped design a Warning and Detection Device-a WADD-to protect the food warehouses. It was an infinitely more sophisticated security system than the old, somewhat primitive device that protected Han’s rented warehouse. Luke and his droids had just finished installing a network of delicate WADD units, and since they were in the neighborhood, they decided to drop in on Han.

Well, I suppose I can appreciate the direct approach. As usual, Artoo has something on his mind, and doesn't care who hears it or what they think about him.

"ChNOOOOg-bzeeep," tooted Artoo to Chewbacca. "KROOOpch shbeeek znooob pvOOOM!"

"Artoo would like to point out," Threepio translated, "that Master Luke’s shoulder was bruised when we helped the Cloud Police capture a gang of Imperial food pirates-all of them on Cloud City’s Most Wanted List. One of those nasty rogues kicked Master Luke in the shoulder, causing the skin tissue to turn blue and black."

"We usually refer to it as black and blue," Luke put in, as he rubbed his sore shoulder. "Hey, you ol’ Wookiee," he said, turning to Chewbacca, "are you taking good care of my friend Han?"

"Graaawrrr," roared Chewbacca, indicating that Han was being well cared for.

Ladies and gentlemen, I believe I may have just conclusively proven that it is indeed possible for bad dialogue to give a person cancer. Also, I think Chewbacca is flirting.

We now get a visit from Han himself, as we find out just what it is we are working. All I can say is, you should brace yourself. If you can, strap yourself down to something.

"Hey, kiddo," said Han, peeking out from underneath his unfinished house, his hands filled with tools. The house was floating in the air, about three feet above the warehouse floor. Han dusted himself off and stepped out to greet his friend. "How’s Her Royal Highness, Princess Leia?"

"She misses you," Luke said.

"She does?" Han asked with a hint of excitement in his voice. "I thought she was so mad at me for going off to build my sky house, that she’d have forgotten me by now."

Luke shook his head. "She misses you quite a lot, in fact. When you said good-bye to leave for the Kessel mission, she. . ." Luke stopped himself in midsentence, glancing around in sudden amazement. "Wow! I didn’t know that you were building a mansion, Han."

"A floating mansion," Han said, laughing.

Is it just me, or is this book already even better than the last one?

Han took Luke on a little walk around the outside of the house, pointing out all of its special features.

"I’ve been from one end of this galaxy to the other," said Han, his voice swelling with pride, "and I’ve never seen another house like this one. It’s a new concept of mine-houses that float in the sky. If you don’t like the cloud you’re living on, you just drift off to another one."

"Rowww-Roofff!" growled Chewbacca. The Wookiee turned a repulsorlift control knob, causing the house to lower smoothly and gently to the floor.

"Chewie wants to show off the floor plan, so step right inside," Han said.

I'm running out of ways to break the up the chunks of dialogue. It's a ******* Sky House! And we're invited for a virtual tour!

Luke couldn’t believe his eyes. Han’s house had outdoor observation decks, a big kitchen under a transparent dome, lots of bedrooms with floating beds, a circular living room that could be turned to face any direction, a workroom for building everything from blasters to airspeeders, a two-cloud-car garage, and --

"Impressed?" Han asked with a wide grin.

Luke smiled and nodded.

"Very impressive," said Threepio. "What do you think, Artoo?"

"Chziiiich!" Artoo tooted enthusiastically, indicating that he was very impressed indeed.

Even Artoo is impressed. It doesn't take long, though, for Han's bachelorhood to be threatened.

"I was just wondering, Han," said Luke, "is there any special reason why you made the house with so many bedrooms?"

"Why do you ask?" Han replied suspiciously.

Luke gave a shy smile. "Well, I guess I was just wondering if you ever intend to get married and fill this house with kids."

Han laughed. "Who, me? Give up my bachelor ways and settle down? That’s a real long shot, if ever I heard one." Han scratched his chin, giving Luke’s question a little thought. "Of course," he went on, "I suppose I’d have to admit that there’s always one chance in a hundred that it could happen."

Luke looked his old friend straight in the eye. "Come on, Han," he said, "you can tell me. Were you thinking about marrying my sister Leia when you built this huge place?"

Han just laughed. "If I ever do decide to get married, which is highly improbable, Leia is at the top of my list. But this is all just wild speculation."

"Very wild speculation, I’m sure," Luke said, nodding. But the truth was, he wasn’t so sure.


That Han sure is a sly devil. One can hardly blame him though; what good is a Sky House if you don't have any room to put your groovy java lamps and shag rugs?


Han changed the subject by putting on a chef’s apron and cooking them a spicy Corellian meal on his new nanowave stove. The hot and saucy dish was a favorite back on Han’s home planet. Chewie then demonstrated his newfound cooking abilities by serving up one of his zoochberry pies for dessert.

"Congratulations, Chewie," Luke said, patting his full belly when they were done eating. "That was about the best zoochberry pie I’ve ever had! I wish we could stay longer, but we’ve got to return to Yavin Four now and get back to SPIN headquarters."



Also: wookiee fur in my zoochberry pie. Ick. Also, in my mind, Han's wearing an unreasonably tall chef's hat to go with that apron. And Chewie's wearing a Kiss the Cook apron.

But we're not done yet: Han's Sky House is so amazing it has its own hangar bay, where Luke's Y-Wing (Y-Wing, not X-Wing) is parked. Luke is happy for Han, but asks him if he's sure he doesn't want to come to Yavin 4 with him, as SPIN could really use his help.

"I’ll pass," Han replied. "All I want to do now is complete my mission-which is finishing my sky house."

I can respect a man with a mission.

"The buddies say their goodbyes" (I'm picturing a broslap, with Han still wearing his apron and hat), and Luke gets into his Y-Wing. It's specifically noted that Luke waits for Han and Chewie to get out of the way, as if that was in doubt (does Luke perhaps sometimes fantasize about frying them? ). However, there is a problem: he tries to take off, only to be greeted with a KLIK KLIK KLIK noise (is there some reason it has to be KLIK instead of CLICK?)

The clicking sound kept growing louder and louder. Luke leaned forward to check the switch.
"Careful, Master Luke," Threepio said, "that sound might mean that-"

But before Threepio could finish his sentence, a sudden explosion hurled Luke back in his chair, so hard that his safety straps tore loose.

BROOOOMMPF!

It's a bomb! Luke is described as "flipping over backward, knocking his head against the floor" (is it just me or is that a damn big Y-Wing?), as the thruster is hurled into his right arm, tearing open his mechanical hand. Within seconds, Han and Chewie, presumably still in their chef wear, burst inside to help. Chewie and Threepio put out the fire, as Han lifts the thruster and gets Luke out of the wreckage.

"You seem to be in pretty bad shape, kiddo," Han said. "We’d better get you some medical attention."


"Oh, I do hope you’ll be okay, Master Luke," said Threepio. "One of the food pirates obviously sent us a nasty farewell present."

"Grrooooof!" moaned Chewbacca, holding up a tiny, charred mechanism he found on the floor.







"Dweeeep dzeeen-boop!" Artoo tooted.

"Yes, yes, Artoo, I know," Threepio replied. "That’s a miniature bomb detonator. Manufactured by the Empire!"

I can easily see frequent conversations between Artoo and Chewbacca driving me irreparably insane. Just a warning.

Thanks to Lando Calrissian's influence, Luke is transferred to a hospital. He's got some bruises and a few cracked ribs, but overall he's in fairly good shape for a guy that apparently took a bomb to the face. However, his mechanical hand is completely smashed. Unfortunately, it seems that there are no spare parts anywhere on Bespin, so they'll have to get back to Yavin 4 in order to fix his hand.


It was obvious to Han that Luke was going to need a pilot and a spaceship to get him back to Yavin’s fourth moon. It might take weeks to repair Luke’s Y-wing starfighter, and besides, Luke was in no condition to pilot. Han resigned himself that his sky house was going to have to wait. Friendship came first.

You really have to respect Han. Not many could turn their back on their newly finished Sky House, even for a longtime friend.

They set off for Yavin 4, with Han apparently making record time. There, they are met by Princess Leia.

"Don’t worry, your Highness," Han said in a reassuring voice, as Leia led them toward the Senate building. "Luke had a little run-in with an exploding bomb, but fortunately your brother’s like a Kowakian lizard-monkey that has nine lives."

"Thanks for bringing him home," Leia said.

"Hey, what are friends for?" Han said, putting an arm around her. He stared deeply into her bright, brown eyes. "Luke said you missed me," he said. "Sorry I’ve been such a hermit, Princess. I’ll make it up to you. I promise."

Han stopped Leia to give her a very long kiss. And against the Princess’s better judgment, she didn’t try to make it any shorter.

How romantic. Is there any kind of tone Paul and Hollace Davids can't perfectly capture? And I'm glad that Han felt the need to point out that Luke was hit by an exploding bomb, as opposed to a non-exploding bomb.

While Luke recovers in the medical bay, Leia asks permission to send Threepio and Artoo to the nearby town of Vornez.

"I want them to examine and help upgrade a new group of protocol droids that arrived from the planet Tatooine," she explained. "The new droids can’t speak as many languages as Threepio, and they’ve never been programmed to translate the beeps of an Artoo unit, either."

Don't do it! The other droids will pick up Artoo's filthy habits!

A few days later, when Luke had almost completely recovered, he went home from the Central Clinic to his private hideaway on Yavin Four-a white stone tower, built long ago by a vanished alien race called the Massasi. On this foliage-covered moon, many of the ancient archaeological wonders of the Massasi still stood, reminders of these ancient people and their society.

*Blinks*

Was that a continuity nod? In the Jedi Prince series? Well.

Luke has a room at the top of the tower, one that gives a great view of the stars. There, Luke begins to drift off to sleep.

Soon Luke’s sleep became fitful.

In his dream, Luke saw himself on a secret mission, zooming along on his airspeeder. He was close above the treetops of the rain forest-and then suddenly the forest burst into flames, with smoke rising all around him. Luke was coughing, choking, losing control of his airspeeder.

It tumbled down into the burning foliage. Luke fell off, plunging through the vines and thick leaves. He landed with a thud on the forest floor. When he looked up, he saw a circular wall made of blocks of green marble. In the center of the circle was a tubular transport for descending underground.

Luke dreamed that he could see his Jedi Master, Obi-Wan Kenobi, standing at the wall, beckoning him, signaling Luke with a wave of his hand to come closer and enter.

"Luke," said Obi-Wan, "this is the entrance that leads underground to the Lost City of the Jedi. The entire history of the galaxy and all its worlds is recorded there, protected by the caretaker droids of the city. Your destiny is linked to one who lives down there.

"Memorize this code, Luke," Obi-Wan continued. "Its importance shall soon become clear to you: JE-99-DI-88-FOR-00-CE." Then he began to fade away.

Gasping, Luke suddenly awoke from his dream. Beads of sweat dripped from his forehead. He still felt some pain from his ribs.

There you have it. This is so important Obi-Wan feels the need to do some meddling. We get a brief explanation of Obi-Wan's role in the movies, and then, we get the closest thing to a solemn, thoughtful scene that this series has had so far. Which is still about as solemn and thoughtful as an episode of Dora the Explorer, but hey, it's something.

Obi-Wan Kenobi was a Master of the Force, but now Luke could feel the Force inside himself.

He dressed quickly, walked down the tower stairs, and climbed into his airspeeder.

Soon he was soaring above the rain forest, just like in his dream, thinking about Obi-Wan Kenobi’s mysterious words.

Luke flew the airspeeder faster and faster.

He didn’t understand why. He didn’t know where he was headed.

He just trusted the Force-and kept going.

Commentary: Wow. That was exactly what I needed. No, I'm not kidding. I mentioned I had a busy day. That was such a great way to relax. That was the cheesiest, least pretentious thing I've been exposed to in months, and I loved every moment of it. If you didn't have the same reaction, you may as well drive a stake through the left side of your chest, because you ceased having a heart a long, long time ago.

I mean, the Sky House. Everything about it is glorious, and it only gets better from here. It's obvious, right from the getgo, that the authors took careful note of what worked in the first book, and are going to considerable lengths to amp it up. Sound effects? Already there are more of them. Artoo speaking? Now he's got Chewie to join him. Han acting more like a carebear than a scoundrel? Let's go ahead and turn that one up to 11. Luke failing at everything he attempts? You better believe it. We just need a good environmental theme, and we'll be set.

On that note, can we declare Luke the official Butt Monkey of the series? He really, really hasn't made a great case for himself, or the Jedi, so far. I mean, you got your ass kicked by Food Pirates? C'mon.

One thing I can't help but notice: is Leia the only female character we've seen so far? Well, we saw Mon Mothma earlier... I'd love to see a diversity ratio for these books. Any takers?

There's not much to say about this chapter, beyond it being the cheesiest thing I'm ever likely to read, until I read the next chapter. A truly great opening, and what I can only hope is a trensetter (I've blocked so much of these books from my memory).

Until next time, where we meet... Ken Palpatine. Also his pet mooka Zeebo. Don't miss it.

 

FOOD PIRATES! They must be led by the feared Captain Crunch.

EDIT: Han cooking reminded me of this: http://lukecompany.ytmnd.com/

 

My only regret: that Han didn't say "more like a sky mansion" like I thought he did when I stuck the csi/The Who reference in there. Eh, this still works.

 

STAR​

WARS​

Episode VIII​

THE LOST CITY OF THE JEDI​

The Adventure Continues...​

It was an era of darkness, a time when the evil Empire ​

ruled the galaxy. Fear and terror spread across every ​

planet and moon as the Empire tried to crush all ​

who resisted-but still the Rebel Alliance survived.​

​

The Rebel Alliance was formed by heroic men, women, ​

and aliens, united against the Empire in their valiant​

fight to restore freedom and justice to the galaxy.​

​

Luke Skywalker joined the Alliance after his uncle purchased a pair of droids​

known as See-Threepio (C-3P0) and Artoo-Detoo (R2-D2). The droids were on ​

a mission to save the beautiful Princess Leia. Leia, an Alliance leader, was ​

a captive of the Empire.​

​

In his quest to save Princess Leia, Luke was assisted by Han Solo, the dashing​

pilot of the spaceship Millennium Falcon, and Han’s copilot, Chewbacca, a hairy​

alien known as a Wookiee.​

​

Han and Luke eventually succeeded in rescuing the Rebel Princess, but their struggle against ​

the Empire did not end there. Luke and his ragtag group of Rebel freedom fighters battled armor-clad ​

stormtroopers and mile-long star destroyers. Finally they destroyed two of the Empire’s mightiest weapons: ​

the Imperial Death Stars, which were as big as moons, and powerful enough to explode entire planets.​

​

In the course of his adventures Luke sought out the wise old hermit, Obi-Wan Kenobi, who became one of ​

Luke’s teachers in the ways of the Jedi Knights.​

​

The Jedi Knights, an ancient society of brave and noble warriors, were the protectors of the Old Republic in the ​

days before the Empire was formed. The Jedi believed that victory comes not just from physical strength but ​

from a mysterious power called the Force.​

​

The Force lies hidden deep within all things. It has two sides: one side that can be used for good, the other the​

Dark Side, a power of absolute evil.​

​

​

After the deaths of the two evil Imperial leaders-Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine-a three-eyed tyrant ​

who claimed to be the Emperor’s son rose to lead the Empire. However, he was a liar and an impostor. ​

His name was Trioculus. Trioculus was aided in his rise to power by the Central Committee of Grand Moffs, ​

a group of sinister Imperial governors who spread terror, misery, and fear on many planets. Grand Moff Hissa ​

had masterminded the secret plot to put Trioculus on the throne, as part of an even darker plot that would give ​

the grand moffs more authority.​

​

However, Kadann, the Supreme Prophet of the Dark Side, foretold that the rightful heir to the Emperor’s command would​

wear THE GLOVE OF DARTH VADER, a powerful and indestructible symbol of evil. To strengthen his claim to be Emperor, ​

and to unite the Imperial warlords who had been feuding among themselves, Trioculus embarked on a search for the glove.​

​

Despite Luke Skywalker’s efforts to prevent Trioculus from ever finding the glove of Darth Vader, Trioculus recovered the prize
on a mission to the ocean world of Calamari. There the Imperials and the Rebels survived a deadly undersea explosion, leaving
their fates unknown to one another.

Trioculus is now on a journey to see Kadann, to seek the Supreme Prophet’s dark blessing and acceptance of his claim to be the
rightful ruler of the Empire.

Meanwhile, Luke has arrived in Cloud City on Rebel Alliance business, and he is now on his way to visit Han Solo before he returns to
Alliance headquarters on the fourth moon of Yavin.
Unknown to Luke, a strange dream is about to lead him on a mysterious quest-a search to find the legendary Lost City of the Jedi!....



Yeah I guess it could be shortened. But this way we would get a 10-minute version of the Main Theme.

 

Oooh... awesome.

Some things I loved:

* Triocolus journeying to Kadann to seek his dark blessing (seriously, they should print everything with "dark" in it in boldface: "...as part of an even darker plot that would give the grand moffs more authority", ...)

* Apparently every decent person in the Davisverse has a "galactic ID card". How wizard is that?

* The Empire stealing food from hotels (!) on Cloud City and shipping it off "to a secret Imperial base for the Empire, who needed food for its army of stormtroopers". (Notice the "who" in there.)

* WADD?

* Luke teaching Threepio correct phrasing ("We usually refer to it as black and blue").

* Luke saying "Hey, you ol' Wookiee".

* "If you don't like the cloud you're living on, you just drift off to another one." I don't know about you folks, but I smell drugs.

* "Han’s house had outdoor observation decks, a big kitchen under a transparent dome, lots of bedrooms with floating beds, a circular living room that could be turned to face any direction, a workroom for building everything from blasters to airspeeders, a two-cloud-car garage, and --"
...oh, did you think there was something coming after that cliffhanger "and --"? Because there's not. Which kind of makes me think. Is this just an unusual way of saying "and lots of other stuff", or is there something hidden behind this dash that the authors don't want to tell us? Something that Han thinks Luke should be impressed with, that makes Artoo say "Chziiich!" and Luke change the subject as quickly as possible?

* The implication that they have better hospitals on Yavin IV than they have on Cloud City. Somehow the jungle moon seems like a very civilized place in this book, what with the Central Clinic and "the neighboring city of Vornez" and all that.

* Also, Tatooine is now exporting protocol droids.

* JE-99-DI-88-FOR-00-CE. Seriously.

Awesome. Just plain awesome.

Not reading ahead this time. Every chapter of this deserves its own time. To be read and re-read, digested and cryptoquoted. After this treat, I think I really need a break before dealing with Ken Palpatine.

 

JE-99-DI-88-FOR-00-CE

That's the code on my luggage!