SWC How Star Wars Could've Ended in 1 minute

Threepio stands in a hallway, somewhat bewildered. Artoo is nowhere in sight. The pitiful screams of the doomed Rebel soldiers can be heard in the distance.

THREEPIO: "Artoo! Artoo-Detoo, where are you?"

====

Artoo-Deetoo, meanwhile, is moving down a hallway, when suddely, he finds himself in front of Princess Leia Organa, who is sneaking about the ship, trying to avoid the Imperial Stormtroopers.

PRINCESS LEIA: "Are you scared, little fella? (ARTOO beeps furtively) Me, too, but I guess A droid can't be that scared... Anyway, come here, I have a mission for you."

She program's the coordinates for Obi-Wan Kenobi's hut on the desert world of Tatooine, inserts a memory card, containing the plans for the Empire's Ultimate Weapon - the Death Star, into a slot in the droid's body, activates the little droid's holorecorder and speaks quickly and precisely:

PRINCESS LEIA: "General Kenobi, years ago you served my father in the Clone
Wars. Now he begs you to help him in his struggle against the Empire.
I regret that I am unable to present my father's request to you in
person, but my ship has fallen under attack and I'm afraid my mission
to bring you to Alderaan has failed. I have placed information vital
to the survival of the Rebellion into the memory systems of this R2
unit. My father will know how to retrieve it. You must see this droid
safely delivered to him on Alderaan. This is our most desperate hour.
Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope."

"All well, and good." Princess Liea thinks to herself "...Even if I don't make it out of this alive, this brave droid will contact General Keno-"

Suddenly there's a readout on one of Artoo's logic function displays: "ERROR - INSUFFICIENT MEMORY!!"

PRINCESS LEIA: (Highyl annoyed) "What?!"

She, looks around sheepishly, hoping the Imperial troops didn't hear her outburst, and smacks Artoo's dome, trying in vain to fix this unexpected turn of events, as the little astromech wails in surprise.

PRINCESS LEIA:"Sorry, little fella, I didn't mean to... Now, let's see what's really going on here."

Artoo beeps softly.

She Searches through the data-bank and sees a large block of memory.

Upon playing a small portion of the holographic recordings, she is sickened to realize that the memory block in question must consist of over 200 hours of Captain Antilles engaged in the most of vile carnal acts with a pair of Twi'leks.

Artoo quakes nervously, as Princess Leia stifles a strong urge to vomit and attempts to delete the block of excess memory.

The readout flashes an unwelcome display: "ERROR - DUST CONTAMINATION ON MAIN MEMORY DRIVE!!"

PRINCESS LEIA: (screaming, crying) "Oh, damn you, Antilles! You've doomed us all!"

====

A familiar clanking sound attacks Threepio's attention and he spots little Artoo at the end of the hallway in a smoke-filled alcove. A beautiful young girl stands in front of Artoo. Surreal and out of place, dreamlike and half hidden in the smoke, she finishes adjusting something on Artoo's computer face, then screams and scurries away, sobbing, her hopes utterly dahed, and the little robot joins his companion.

THREEPIO: "At last! Where have you been? Who was that?"

Artoo beeps.

THREEPIO: "Yes, humans are quite odd, aren't they? Quite odd..."

Stormtroopers can be heard battling in the distance.

 

Sitting cornered on a window ledge, Palpatine blasts Mace with Force lightning, which he deflects with his lightsaber. Anakin watches Mace resist the Force lightning with all his might.

Palpatine: He's a traitor!
Mace: He is the traitor!
Palpatine: I have the power to save the one you love. You must choose!
Mace: Don't listen to him, Anakin.
Palpatine: Don't let him kill me. (faltering) I can't hold it any longer. I'm too weak... Anakin help me...
Anakin: Wait a second. (to Palpatine) I'm having trouble figuring something out, Chancellor.
Palpatine: Anakin, I'm starting to get tired here. Look, my face is getting all disfigured! Uggghhhh
Anakin: Would you just wait a second!? Before you told me that Darth Plagueis could even prevent the ones he cared about from dying, and that his apprentice learned all that he knew before he killed him.
Palpatine (in pain): Ughh! Yes! Uggh! That's right!
Anakin: So were you the apprentice?
Palpatine: Help me... Help me... I can't hold out any longer.

Palpatine stops holding off Mace with Force lightning.

Mace: I'm going to end this once and for all!
Anakin: You can't! You need to give me five minutes, maybe ten! I have to figure out whether Palpatine can save Padme or not.
Mace: He's too dangerous to be left alive!
Anakin: Chancellor, can't you blast him with some more Force lightning while I think this through?
Palpatine: But I'm too weak... too weak.
Anakin: No, you're not! You weren't even trying.

Mace lifts his lightsaber, getting ready to strike.

Palpatine: Okay fine, well, if you're not going to stop him, I guess I have to keep blasting him. I hope you know I was very cleverly just pretending to play weak, and now you've totally ruined that, you know that?

Palpatine starts holding off Mace with Force lightning again.

Palpatine: Now can we hurry up with this?
Mace: Don't listen to him! He's a traitor!
Anakin: Would you shut up, Mace!? You already said that! (to Palpatine) Now, were you Plagueis's apprentice or not?
Palpatine: Okay, yes, fine, I was. I thought that was pretty clearly implied.
Anakin: So, can you keep Padme from dying?
Palpatine: Well...
Anakin: You can't even save her!?
Palpatine: Uh, no, I... Well, no, not really...
Anakin: But I thought you learned everything he knew!
Palpatine: Well, I got bored. This cheating death stuff is really tough to master, but listen, if we work together I know we can discover its secret.
Anakin: Now we have to try to learn it together!? What the heck! Padme's like 8 months pregnant! Now I'm really going to have to take some time to think this through...
Palpatine: Anakin, even I can't hold off Mace forever...
Anakin: Well, how long do you think it will take us to learn the ability to cheat death?
Palpatine: Oh, jeez, Anakin would you just intervene already.
Anakin: What's the big deal? Just zap him a little harder. You've already made it clear you're holding back.
Palpatine: All right, fine, but you're totally screwing everything up!

Palpatine zaps Mace with a really powerful bolt of Force lighting, Mace's lightsaber flies from his hand, and then Palpatine Force pushes Mace to his death.

Palpatine (while rising to his feet): Now look what you made me do! I had to kill Mace without any help from you whatsoever!
Anakin: So what? You didn't need my help. I don't even understand why you were faking weakness.
Palpatine: You are so dense! I was trying to get you to intervene so that you'd have to join me and turn to the dark side.
Anakin: You were! What the heck!? I just wanted to learn how to save Padme.
Palpatine: Yes, of course I was. Duh. I mean an hour ago I suggest that you can't trust the Jedi, and then you just happen to show up at the moment when Mace appears as if he's committing an act of treason.
Anakin: I thought you had been sitting there in that corner for like 15 minutes.
Palpatine: No, it was all a setup! I flopped down there 5 seconds before you arrived, and you were going to see me helpless and help me kill Mace because you wanted to save me. Then you'd realize that you couldn't turn back because you've betrayed a Jedi master and teamed up with a Sith, so you'd have to become a Sith yourself. That would have allowed me to totally thwart the Chosen One prophecy because everyone knows once you turn to the dark side forever will it dominate your destiny. It was one my best evil plans ever. I would've made the Chosen One into my own apprentice and thwarted fate. Now what the heck am I going to do?
Anakin: Whoa, you really put a lot of thought into that. (After pausing to think.) Well, what do we do now?
Palpatine: I don't know! I'm not good a improvising! I like everything that transpires to do so according to my own design.
Anakin: Well, can we still try to learn the ability to cheat death?
Palpatine: Look, I'm already behind schedule. I have a busy day. I think Yoda's going to show up and try to kill me, and before that, I have to call in Order 66 so that the rest of the Jedi are slaughtered.
Anakin: Shouldn't I stop that? I'm still a Jedi, you know.
Palpatine: I don't know! You've screwed everything up! I don't know what any of us are supposed to do now! Just let me think...
(Palpatine thinks for a moment.)
Okay, how about you agree to turn to the dark side in return for me teaching you how to cheat death?
Anakin: No, I can't do that. I don't think Padme would really approve of me turning to the dark side. In fact, I think she'd rather die than have me become a Sith, so thanks for the offer, but that's just not even a possiblity.
Palpatine: Well, your turning to dark side is ironically what was going to cause Padme to give up the will to live, so you're really making the right choice.
Anakin: Wow, I now really have no motivation to turn to the dark side at all, do I?
Palpatine (dejected): No, I suppose not...
Anakin: Look, I think I'm just going to join up with Yoda when he comes to kill you. Probably Obi-Wan will show up too. I'm pretty sure the three of us can take you.
Palpatine: Yeah, that makes sense. Well, I guess I'll get to rule for a few hours before you guys kill me. To be honest, running an empire would probably mostly be a headache anyway. What can I really do once I'm the Emperor -- institute evil infrastructure projects? It's all probably for the best.
Anakin: Okay, I'll see you later.
Palpatine: Later.
Anakin: Oh, and again, that was a really primo plan you had to turn me to the dark side. Sorry I screwed things up.
Palpatine: Well, you were probably destined to screw up my life at some point anyway.
Anakin: Thanks again! I'm going to go right over to Padme's apartment and let her know she's not going to die!
Palpatine: Give her my congratulations about the twins.
Anakin: Twins! I don't know how this day could get any better! And to think all the Jedi thought there would be great danger in my future! I guess all along I've been the Jedi I should be!

Anakin whistles a happy tune as he walks jauntily out of Palpatine's office. Palpatine prepares to go on a major league bender.

 

Daultay Dofine: This scheme of yours has failed, Lord Sidious. The blockade is finished! We dare not go against these Jedi.

Darth Sidious: Viceroy, I don't want that stunted slime in my sight again. This turns of events is unfortunate. We must accelerate our plans, Viceroy. Begin landing your troops.

Nute Gunray: Ahh, My Lord, is that, Legal?

Darth Sidious: I will make it legal.

Nute: And the, Jedi??

Darth Sidious: The Chancellor should never have brought them into this. Kill them, immediately.

Nute Gunray: Ye..Yes, My Lord. As you wish... but how are we supposed to do that, really? I mean, I'm sure you can tell, without even having to use the Force, that we're pretty incompetant when it comes this all of this fighting stuff...

Darth Sidious: Good point. You're right. I'll have to find some other group, which isn't entirely composed of nimrods, to do my dirty work.

Nute Gunray and Rune Haako (in unison): Thank you. Lord Sidious.

Darth Sidious: No problem.

Darth Sideous'hologram fades out.

Nute Gunray: Thank Goodness! I thought we were all dead...

Rune Haako: Yes, block that Sith guy's transmissions, in case he tries to contact us again!

Daultay Dofine: How dare he call me a stunted slime like that!

Nute and Rune look at echother nervously.

Nute Gunray and Rune Haako (in unison): We think you should leave, bro...

Daultay Dofine looks shocked, then begins to walk away, dejected.

Daultay Dofine: Oh, ok...

Suddenly, Daultay, Nute, and Rune start choking and grasping at thier throats, victims of a long distance Force choke. They die.

 

PADME: Anakin, before we leave the ship to search for Obi-Wan, I have to take my series of anti-Nexu injections. I'm highly allergic to their claw slashes. Don't ask me how I know that, long story.
ANAKIN: C'mon, Padme, we gotta find Obi-Wan, what are the odds you're going to get slashed by a Nexu in the next few hours on this planet of all places?
PADME: Hurm, good point.
*Later in the Geonosian arena, Padme is slashed in the back by the Nexu.*
PADME: Oh, dammit Skywalker!
ANAKIN: Sorry!

 

As a group of Imperial Stormtroopers and a group of Rebel soldiers shoot at each other from either side of a long corridor on the Tanvive IV, Artoo-Deetoo and See-Threepio attempt to pass through the narrow hallway, avoiding the random blaster fire from both directions. They fail, and explode into bits of leftover scrap metal.

 

Chewie strangles and successfully murders Lando.

The End

 

I laughed so, so hard at this one.

 

THREEPIO: "Artoo Deetoo, where are you? Artoo! ... Where are you I don't see you anywhere. Oh, to hell with this, I'm going to surrender to the Imperials."

 

Kl-ADI-MUNDI: (holo) Palpatine thinks General Grievous is on Utapau. We have had no reports of this from our agents.

ANAKIN: A partial message was intercepted in a diplomatic packet from the Chairman of Utapau.

YODA: Act on this, we must. The capture of General Grievous will end this war. Quickly and decisively we should proceed.

OBI-WAN: Does everyone agree?

All the JEDI concur.

ANAKIN: The Chancellor has requested that I lead the campaign.

They all look at ANAKIN a bit disturbed.

MACE: (a little peeved) The Council will make up its own mind who is to go, not the Chancellor.

Kl-ADI-MUNDI: Yes, this decision is ours to make.

ANAKIN is embarrassed and becomes sullen.

YODA: A Master is needed, with more experience. So... Make you a Master, the Council does.

MACE: (smiling broadly) Congratulations, young Skywalker. We'll see you when you get back from destroying General Grievous for all the ceremonies, and whatnot...

ANAKIN: Yipeee!

 

This sounds like something right out of Robot Chicken SW specials

 

[Captain Typho is trying to talk Padme out of leaving Coruscant without protection]
Captain Typho: My Lady, let me come with you.
Padmé: There is no danger. The fighting is over, and... this is personal.
[Typho bows]
Captain Typho: As you wish, My Lady... but I strongly disagree.
Padmé: I'll be all right, Captain. This is something I must do myself. Besides, Threepio will look after me.
C-3PO: Oh, dear.
[Typho leaves; Padme and C-3PO board the Naboo skiff; Obi-Wan sneaks on board]
[Typho looks back, meekly, just in time to see a smoking, out of control speeder smash into the Naboo skiff, causing both crafts to explode horrifically.]
Captain Typho: Nooooo!!!!

 

Luke: "But I was going into Tosche Station to pick up some power converters!"

Owen: "What did I say about back talking, boy?! Beru, fetch me the cattleprod."

 

Luke and Leia attempt to swing across the chasm on the Death Star, the rope breaks under their combined weight, they plummet to their deaths,

 

"Sigh... Kathy? I hate to say it but... That table read with had with the cast was just... AWFUL! Let's not make Episode 7."
"Agreed, JJ. I'm going to go join the merchant marines, wanna come with?"
"Yippie!"

 

Four heavily-armed stormtroopers move menacingly along a narrow slum alleyway crowed with darkly clad creatures hawking exotic goods in the dingy little stalls. Men, monsters, and robots crouch in the waste-filled doorways, whispering and hiding from the hot winds.

THREEPIO: Lock the door, Artoo.

One of the troopers checks a tightly locked door and moves on down the alleyway. The door slides open a crack and Threepio peeks out. Artoo is barely visible in the background.

TROOPER #1: All right, check that side of the street. It's secure. Move on to the next door. I'll blast this one open while you check the others.

The trooper blasts the door and it flies open with one shot.

TROOPER #1: We have droids over here!

The other troopers run over, blasters drawn.

TROOPER #2: Um... what were we supposed to do if we found them?

TROOPER #1: I don't know... I don't remember Lord Vader mentioning anything specific about that, really...

TROOPER #3: Um...

TROOPER #1: Blast 'em!

The stormtroopers open fire and the droids explode into worthless scrap.

 

*Interrogator droid enters Leia's cell*
VADER: And now, your highness, we will discuss the location of your hidden Rebel base.
LEIA: No, you won't!
*Leia breaks off the cyanide capsule hidden in her tooth, bites down, and dies a Rebel hero.*

 

WILLARD: The princess instructed me to reward you, but I'm afraid the destruction of Alderaan has left our finances in disarray. This bank draft will become valid within the day.

SOLO: Can you believe these people, Chewie? Trying to save the universe on credit! (Takes the document.) Let's not do this again. Come on.

(Later, Vader kills Luke and R2, and the Death Star destroys the rebel base.)

 

INT. SUB COCKPIT - UNDERWATER

Sparks are flying, and water is leaking into the cabin. The sound of the
power drive drops.

OBI-WAN : .....we're losing power.

OBI-WAN is working with the sparking wires. JAR JAR panics.

QUI-GON : Stay calm. We're not in trouble yet.

JAR JAR : What yet? Monstairs out dare! Leak'n in here, all'n sink'n, and
nooooo power! You WHEN YOUSA TINKIN' WESA IN TROUBLE?!!!?

OBI-WAN : Power's back.

The lights flicker on, revealing an ugly COLO CLAW FISH right in front of
them.

JAR JAR : Monstairs back!

The large COLO CLAW FISH is surprised and rears back. The sub turns around
and speeds away from the COLO CLAW FISH and into the waiting jaws of the SANDO AQUA MONSTER.

 

PALPATINE: Your arrogance blinds you, Master Yoda. Now you will experience the full powah of th-
*Blam! Blam! Palpatine is shot in both kneecaps and falls to the ground*
PALPATINE: Arrrgghhh!
*Yoda looks befuddled. In runs JACK BAUER, yelling into his comm, lugging a sniper rifle.*
JACK BAUER: Okay, Chole. I got him. Set me a sat-link to our extraction point.
*Jack grabs Palpatine*
JACK BAUER: Dammit, you're coming with me.
PALPATINE: What, huh? I--
JACK BAUER: Stop stalling! TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW!!!
*Jack lugs a protesting Palpatine off of the senate floor. Yoda shrugs and walks away.*

 

Christopher Walken is cast as Han Solo and everyone hates SW. TESB never gets made

 

HAN: "It's alright, I can see a lot better."
LANDO: "Just a little higher! Just a little higher!"
*Han fires, shoots Lando right in between the eyes*