Jedi Council Forums - The Laboratory

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Author	Topic: The Laboratory
Mistress_Renata Title: Manager Emeritus Registered: Sep '00	Date Posted: 4/25/03 5:47pm Subject: The Laboratory
	Hi, all! This started after a discussion in the Cliche Elements thread, where we tried to envision how to write cliche elements in ways that weren't cliched. At some point, I mentioned how I wished there was a thread where writers could try things like this out, without having to commit to a whole story. Much to my surprise, everyone clamored for it, and a few started asking me when I'd post it. So this is the Laboratory (with the blessings of Kit'and the insights of Melyanna). Here, you can post a scene, a paragraph, a page. Ask for help or constructive feedback. Do something you've never done and don't want to do a whole story about, just as an experiment and a way to sharpen your writing skills. THIS IS NOT A PROMOTIONAL FORUM! Do NOT post scenes from your fabulous new story and oh by the way here's the link. There are other places for that. This is to try writing about... ...how to get the hero out of a sealed room WITHOUT going through the airducts... ...child characters who aren't adorable or precocious... ...writing an action scene when you usually write romance... ...writing a mush scene when you usually write action... ...writing dialogue between two characters when you want one of them to sound like he's from another planet... ...writing first-person when you've always done third... Get the idea? This is for testing the waters and trying something new. People may post ideas (like challenges) but this is not a challenge thread, and you don't need to "do the homework" to post here. Any challenges or exercises are simply to help stimulate the creative juices. Jump write in! -----signature----- "For over a thousand generations, the Jedi Knights were the Guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic. Before the dark times." Denizen of the Crotchety Old Mods' Home... approach with caution...
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Kit' Title: Manager Emeritus Registered: Oct '99	Date Posted: 4/25/03 6:04pm Subject: RE: The Laboratory
	Yay!!!! I have a short scene, but I don't know if it is going to fit anymore. I'll post it up later and see what people think. Kithera -----signature----- Some people are like slinkies; Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile as you push them down the stairs * Writers wanted.... http://boards.theforce.net/the_saga/b10476/27996678
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Chocos_Ramabotti Registered: May '01	Date Posted: 4/25/03 6:05pm Subject: RE: The Laboratory
	claps Congrats, Ranata, and thanks for this cool thread! I'll hope to participate in the future, as well as I hope for many participations of others . But as it seems, they are very willing . A question: We surely can post non-SW-related stuff here, eh? Mata ne, Val ^_^
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Kit' Title: Manager Emeritus Registered: Oct '99	Date Posted: 4/25/03 6:10pm Subject: RE: The Laboratory
	I'd, personally, rather that you didn't post non related SW stuff here. This is still a Star Wars forum and we really don't allow it anywhere else. If you stuff doesn't reference Star Wars specifically that's okay - but I'd like it to still be noticeabley set in the GFFA. That's just my view. If you disagree then PM me and we'll chat about it. Kithera -----signature----- Some people are like slinkies; Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile as you push them down the stairs * Writers wanted.... http://boards.theforce.net/the_saga/b10476/27996678
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Chocos_Ramabotti Registered: May '01	Date Posted: 4/25/03 6:12pm Subject: RE: The Laboratory
	Okay . I guess it was good that I asked .
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ThatJediGirl Registered: Mar '01	Date Posted: 4/25/03 6:55pm Subject: RE: The Laboratory
	I love the idea of this! I can assure you that I will be participating here
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Aunecah_Skywalker Registered: Mar '02	Date Posted: 4/25/03 7:00pm Subject: RE: The Laboratory
	Here it is. I usually have trouble writing children, so you can tell me if this is good or bad. Run, son, run. by Aunecah_Skywalker -------------------- Han ran. He didn't know why he was running, only that he knew he had to run. He had to run so fast. He had to run very, very fast. The street was dark, and he almost turned around and ran back to Papa many times, but Mama told him not to. Mama. Han's eyes filled with tears. "Stop them, Papa. Stop them." His brown eyes wide and overwhelmed with tears, Han clutched Papa's leg and shook it. Mama screamed again as one of those men hit her in the leg. Papa, Mama, and Han had been eating dinner when somebody had knocked loudly on their door. Before Papa, who was already in a bad mood from having another argument with Mara, could open the door, it was blasted open and a lot of people entered it. Han hadn't been sure, and he still wasn't sure, whether they were people, exactly. They were dressed in white and they had helmets. "They're hurting her, Papa. Stop them, Papa." "They're doing nothing more than what she deserves," Papa said gruffly. "Mama do nothing wrong!" "She's a traitor." "She help people who has no food," Han said tearfully, shocked that Papa would say such a thing. "Nobody help them. She help them." Papa scowled in disgust. He took Han's little arm in his big hand and jerked Han away from him, toward those men. Han cowered in fear. He tried to sink back toward the safety of Papa's leg. He clutched Papa's hand tightly as the helmet men looked at them. "Take him away, too, I don't want him." "Papa?" Han whispered, looking up at his blurred face through tearful eyes. One of the white man just shook his head. Though Han couldn't see the helmet man's face, he felt as though the man thought Han was too worthless to even consider it. "Put him in that Imperial school of yours. And give me the credits." Han's eyes filled with tears again. Mama and Papa were always arguing about it. Papa wanted money so he could go to the bars and drink; he didn't work. Mama usually gave him half her salary, but as of late, she started to get more and more angry – and very, very sad, too. She didn't know it (because she thought Han was sleeping), but Han had seen her one night, sitting in an armchair in the living room, weeping. Han didn't like it when Mama weeped. He didn't like it when Mama and Papa fought. "He's not old enough." "I'm three," Han said petulantly. Papa's jerked Han back, his grip on Han's arm so very tight and painful. His eyes were hard as he glared at Han, who quickly shut his mouth, looked at Mama, who was crying silently on the ground, and then looked down at the ground. Mama's legs were bloody. The helmet men had hit her with batons. "You can sell him as a slave to the Hutts." Han shuddered. He heard Mama talking about them. He had gone with Mama many times to that place where there were many poor people; Mama and some others gave them food and water for free. Many of those people were slaves; they told Han that slaves were … that slaves had no … "A generous offer, but the Hutts would not want him." Papa smirked. "Unless you tell that about his aptitude with machines." "Yes?" The helmet man looked at Han. "How do you fix a broken droid?" "What's a droid?" Han asked with a frown. He looked up at Papa, who was scowling fiercely, and then at the helmet man again. He gulped. "Me no have no apitude with machines," he blurted out quickly. "Me no know nothing." "He's lying!" "He's telling the truth!" Mama said weakly. "Han doesn't know anything about machines." "She's lying," Papa shouted. "Mama no lie, Papa," Han cried. "It doesn't matter," said the helmet man firmly. "We aren't interested in him." He looked down at Mama and then at his men. "Let's move." Two of them men dragged Mama up by her arms. Mama cried out in pain. "No!" Han shot forward. He ran to the helmet man and grabbed his leg. "Leave Mama, please. Mama, come with me!" Mama grabbed Han's hand. She was crying. "Run, Han. Run." "I don't think so!" Papa took Han's arm roughly and dragged him back as the helmet men walked away, dragging Mama behind them. "Mama! Papa, let me go – Mama!" "Run, Han," Mama cried. "Leave – !" One of the helmet men hit her in the mouth with his baton and she fell silent. "Mama!" Han cried, lurching forward. He stumbled out of Papa's grasp and ran toward Mama. "Run, Han, run … run … " "I'm running, Mama," Han whispered as he ran down the corner into another dark street of Corellia. "I'm running." --------------------
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TheBiggerFish Registered: Mar '01	Date Posted: 4/25/03 7:23pm Subject: RE: The Laboratory
	Ok, before I reply, let me stop crying for a minute wipes eyes On the whole, well done! Niggly details from pedantic little me "Me no have no apitude with machines," he blurted out quickly. "Me no know nothing." It sounds like Jar-Jar to me. Three years olds wouldn't be able to pronounce aptitude I don't think. One of the hardest things to do with kids is decide how much they'll be able to say. Personally, I think Han would only say a few words in this situation because he's only three, he wouldn't have a lot of time to think about what he was going to say and how he would go about saying the words and on top of that, he's petrified. I think it would work better if Han said less, or only said a few words, or just sat there screaming at Dad to make them let Mama go, or yelling at the stormtroopers he didn't know anything about what they were talking about. The last part though "I'm runnning Mama" That was good. I think it's OK to call his mother Mama, but calling the dad (who's obviously evil, well done with that part BTW) Papa went a little far. Calling the father Dad conveys less cutesiness and less familiarity with the dad from Han. Overall, it was a great scene, the mood of it was done really well! -----signature----- She of the Chameleonic Icon Sisters of the Flame - Book 2 - Entwine - stewing around in my brain. Latest Post: Study into Han and Luke's relationship in ANH and ESB http://boards.theforce.net/the_saga/b10476/23139893 13th Feb 2006
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Knight-Ander Registered: Jul '02	Date Posted: 4/26/03 5:25am Subject: RE: The Laboratory
	I pretty much agree with TBF. covertly kicks tissues under desk However, "Dad" still seems too... nice for Han's father in this case. Probably having Han refering to him by his first name (whatever it may be) would work best. It also gives Han that aura of being a bastard-child that his loner-personality later in life seems to exude. Another point on Han, when he says big words such as "aptitude" have him try to say the word but not be able to pronounce the unfamiliar word, finally giving up and saying something like, "I don't know anything about that." Just a couple of ideas to think over. -----signature----- The Part He's Looking For - A pre-ANH Luke vignette http://boards.theforce.net/the_saga/b10476/30044606/p1/
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bobilll Registered: Aug '02	Date Posted: 4/26/03 6:49am Subject: RE: The Laboratory
	I agree w/ TBF that Han probably wouldn't have even said that much. He might bawl and cry Mama a lot, and I think that that itself will drive his father over the edge. The things that he say might run through his head, but I doubt much of it would come from his mouth. -----signature----- You'll have to buy him a sweater.
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JediNemesis Registered: Mar '03	Date Posted: 4/26/03 9:10am Subject: RE: The Laboratory
	shoves tissues out of sight Yeah, I agree with the others - I think I got here a bit late. Three-year-old Han! I have to admit I'm surprised - usually reading about little kids makes me want to throw up. Great writing! I'll definitely be using this thread. Nemesis -----signature----- BeTS Best Author '08 NEW Bad Dreams - http://boards.theforce.net/a/b1/29893091 Eleven Summers - http://boards.theforce.net/a/b1/29657584 Into The Shining Day - http://boards.theforce.net/a/b1/29224914
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Jane Jinn Registered: Jan '00	Date Posted: 4/26/03 1:25pm Subject: RE: The Laboratory
	Great idea, Mistress_Renata! I've been looking forward to this, and I'll be participating as soon as I have time to actually write out the scene. And, uh, decide which challenge I want to tackle first. -----signature----- Mostly retired now Just making the occasional guest appearance
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AlrikFassbauer Registered: Apr '03	Date Posted: 4/26/03 2:56pm Subject: RE: The Laboratory
	Interesting ... most impressive ... I like the dialogue part. I had opened a thread once, but I think I could learn here, too. -----signature----- "May the Enya equivalent of the Force be with you." (Uncle Darthvyd)
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drippyzeo Registered: Jun '02	Date Posted: 4/27/03 1:50am Subject: RE: The Laboratory
	Ok, taking a shot at the non-air duct thing. This is my first "creative" post around here, so be gentle. Sorry it's so long. BTW, I'm looking for beta readers, if anyone's interested. ***** The room was small, empty, and brightly lit. Too bright. The light reflecting off of the smooth featureless white walls reminded Anakin of the glare Mos Espa gave off at high noon. He kept his eyes on the ground as he paced back and forth, assessing his situation. No windows. One door, with no apparent controls on the inside. No evidence of an access panel on the walls, either. He walked to a wall and knocked. The dull rap told him that they were thick and resilient--he wouldn't have been able to penetrate them with his lightsaber, even if he had it. Anakin felt an uncomfortable tingle at the back of his neck. He felt like he was being watched. No. He was certain he was being watched, assessed, tested. Anakin turned slowly, deliberately, walked to a corner and sat down. Best not to give away what he was thinking, he decided. He slumped into the corner, bringing his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. He tilted his head back, closing his eyes. An observer may think he had already given up, but his mind was working rapidly, running through his options. He couldn't think of any. His training had not prepared him for this: here he had to wholly rely on himself. And the Force. He slowly opened his eyes. The ceiling. It's uniform white plane was broken by two aberrations: the intolerably bright light and a duct that quietly pumped air into the room. Anakin considered the air duct out of the corner of his eye, trying not to show the attention he was giving it. It certainly was wide enough to fit him, but it was covered by a metal grille. The ceiling was very high, though, too high for him to reach the duct. Not too far for a Force jump. If he didn't want his jailers to catch on, he'd have to wrench the grille out of the duct with the Force and jump immediately. It would take an incredible amount of concentration, and Anakin doubted that he was adept enough at manipulating the Force to pull it off. But he didn't see any other options. He began reaching out with the Force... And stopped short, inhaling sharply. There was something there, on the other side of the grille. Some sort of sensor mechanism. Perhaps it simply monitored the air flow. But it could also be an intruder detection system. Or worse, a security trigger. Anakin shuddered at the thought of being criss-crossed by defensive lasers. No, the air duct was too easy. A trap, for sure. He turned his attention to the light. It was too bright, too powerful. Anakin felt exposed in its beams, as if it could pierce even his own thoughts. No doubt a useful element for interrogations. Controlling the lighting would certainly be a valuable asset for his jailers. Anakin's eyes widened. Of course! Without any controls inside the room, an interrogator would need some sort of remote access. The light was likely connected to some sort of circuitry running through the ceiling. Perhaps it could lead him to something controlling the door mechanism. It was a longshot, Anaking admitted to himself, but he had no other options. He had fiddled with basic electronics when he'd built his pod racer back on Tatooine, but that seemed like a lifetime ago. His cell's circuitry no doubt was far more sophisticated, but hopefully if he tinkered a little, he'd find something. Again, he reached out with the Force, focusing his gaze on the light, even though it hurt his eyes. He tried to feel his way around the light's circuitry, run through it, as if he himself were an electron running through it's subatomic pathways... The lights flickered. Anakin blinked. He was in! He closed his eyes, imagining himself traveling along a path, looking for the door mechanism. He had the sense that he was moving, faster than light, to a destination. He was coming up on a node of some sort, a big bright sphere of light. Maybe this was the door lock. Furrowing his brow in concentration, he reached out with the Force to put out that light, squeezing it smaller and smaller. And then, it was no more. Anakin heard the door hiss open. He opened his eyes and rose, pleased with himself, though somewhat flabbergasted that his plan actually worked. It was raining outside his cell. He frowned. That was odd. In fact, it wasn't right at all. And now Obi-Wan was at the doorway, dripping wet, his arms wrapped tightly around his chest. Anakin winced at the expression on Obi-Wan's face. "Anakin!" his master began furiously, "What have you done?!" Anakin walked to Obi-Wan and stepped out of the cell, looking around. He'd never seen it raining in the Jedi Temple before. Very odd. He turned to answer his master. "I used the Force to trigger the door mechanism, master. I passed the test." Obi-Wan's was incredulous. "I opened the door, Anakin," he shouted. "You short-circuited the fire-control system for this whole section of the Temple! You certainly did not past the test!" Anakin tried very hard to suppress a grin. "Well, I still got out, didn't I?" Obi-Wan stared at Anakin for a moment, his face going through a half dozen different emotions. He threw his hands up in exasperation and, spun around, beginning to storm away. Anakin couldn't help grinning widely as a trickle of water ran down his nose. He liked rain. Obi-Wan stopped suddenly. "Anakin." His voice was harsh. Anakin stopped smiling. "Yes, master?" he said, meekly. Obi-Wan turned his head, and Anakin thought he could make out a grin through the sheets of falling water. "Next time, use the air duct." -----signature----- "Less Darth Maul, more Darth Vader." http://www.thethousand.net
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Jane Jinn Registered: Jan '00	Date Posted: 4/27/03 6:40am Subject: RE: The Laboratory
	HA HA HA! That was good! I loved the way Anakin stepped out of the cell only to discover that it was raining because he'd short-circuited the fire-control system. I also liked the way Obi-Wan informed him that he didn't pass the test -- but otherwise it would have been an ingenious way to get out of the cell. Funny, too, the way Obi-Wan told him to use the air duct next time. Complaints? The occasional mis-use of "it's" where it should have been "its", and a sort of a question, just out of curiosity. Was the air duct really a trap? -----signature----- Mostly retired now Just making the occasional guest appearance
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DarthBreezy Title: Retired Mos Everett Cantina Founder & JMPR Registered: Jun '02	Date Posted: 4/27/03 9:29am Subject: RE: The Laboratory
	Chuckle chuckle chuckle! Very cool.... -----signature----- Jedi_Reject_Jesse On Sara Palin: 2012? So she's the disaster the Mayans were warning us about? "It's hard, being a Jedi..." - Pem Skywalker Anywhere Is Possible
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