Amph ASOIAF: "A Clash of Kings" Chapter-by-Chapter: Chapter Thirty-Two: Sansa

I thought he was older?


Unless you're joan of arc, I'd agree that 15's a tad young

 

Joffrey was only involved in one fight during his reign, which we'll come to at the end of this book. As far as I can remember, all he did during that battle was operate the catapults to attack Stannis' troops. He wanted to do more, but Cersei was too protective of him to let him endanger himself any further.

 

Chapter 8: Tyrion (2)

Summary: Tyrion is manipulated by Varys to get rid of Janos Slynt.

Some Thoughts: Tyrion is not thinking about it.

Where Have I Seen This Before? Dept: The cooking obsession? ?Memory?

Fantasy Tropes: The Chessmaster

The Awesome Scene Syndrome Dept: It?s a minor awesome scene, but Bronn?s answer to Tyrion?s question at the end.

Is this a Fantasy Novel or Project Runway? Minute details of what people of minimal importance of the plot are wearing.

Is this a Fantasy Novel or The Food Network: ??supped on an oxtail soup, summer greens tossed with pecans, grapes, red fennel and crumbled cheese, hot crab pie, spiced squash, and quails drowned in butter.? If Tyrion really ate like this, he?d be a perfect sphere.

Speaking Forsoothly: ?I mislike the tone of your voice??

Bad dialogue: ?Doing for a babe, and her still on the tit, that takes a certain sort.? Doing for?

Purple Prose: ?I hear the grapes singing on my tongue.?

As You Know, Captain: The bit where Janos Slynt and Tyrion tell each other who they are, just in case the other was unsure about it.

The Department of Silly Names: Allar Deem

Unfortunate Mental Image Dept: ??wearing flowing lavender robes that matched his smell.? Martin lets no evil eunuch cliché go by him.

Characterization: Tyrion, as usual, isn?t as smart as he thinks.

What we learn: Cersei had Robert?s illegitimate daughter killed, and tried to do the same with Gendry.

What we don?t learn: Why Varys would bother to save Gendry.

Not thinking it out: If Tyrion gets that he is replacing Littlefinger?s man with Varys? why is he doing it?

What I liked: Not a lot.

What I didn?t (in particular): Bronn saying he?d kill the infant, and his only question would be how much. Bronn?s character wouldn?t make him answer the question that honestly. He?s too shrewd for it.

Criminal Record: One poisoning, one thrashing, two murders,

POVs to date: 6

Tyrion's character arc to date: Slaps nephew/Talks too much/Duels with crab forks/rhymes ?craven? with ?raven?/Confesses his sins to a breast-feeder and breast-feedee/steals goat/Acquires a hairy entourage/Loses half the hairy entourage in battle/Appointed Hand of inbred psychotic/Accepts the job instead of running for the hills/Recruits for the Black Watch/

Rating: 1/5

 

Chapter Nine: Arya (3)

Summary: Arya going north

Some Thoughts: Short, not very enlivening chapter

For ye Fanboys: impaled corpses and raped women

Truer Words Were Never Spoken Dept: ?a clever man, he?d go by ship,?

Too Much Information: I?m not sure I really want to know the details of Arya?s bodily functions

Fantasy Tropes: The Journey

The Awesome Scene Syndrome Dept: The burnt stockade

Metaphors for Dummies: Gendry?s helm

Le Mot injuste: ?quorks??

What we learn: The Night?s Watch is without honour in the North, and anywhere else; and civil order is breaking down.

Not thinking it out: Yoren might be wiser to cut the throats of the psychos, and ditch the wagons.

What I liked: Hot Pie saying he?s scared, and Arya admitting the same;

What I didn?t (in particular): Little plot progress is made.

Criminal Record: one poisoning, one thrashing, two murders, one pillage,

POVs to date: 8

Arya's character arc to date: Is given razor-sharp dangerous sword/Is allowed to keep razor-sharp dangerous sword/Goes cat-catching so that she can help out with Bad Exposition/Uses razor-sharp sword to commit her first murder at age nine/Witnesses Dad?s decapitation/beats up thug until he soils himself/beats on a hissing psychopath/Meets a wolf while relieving herself/

Rating: 1.5/5

 

Chapter Ten: Davos (1)

Summary: We spend some time with Davos Seaworth, the Onion Knight; Stannis Baratheon?s stooge and sidekick.

Some Thoughts: Davos is a new POV. He is also the first non-aristocratic one, another version of Janos Slynt, but far more likable.

The Edward Bulwer-Lytton Memorial Award: ?The morning air was dark with the smoke of burning gods.?

Fantasy Tropes: Instant Messenger Pigeon

Is this a Fantasy Novel or A Gay Pride Parade? ?Today he wore flashing cloth-of-silver, with dagged sleeves so long the ends of them pooled on the floor. His buttons were carved jade monkeys, and atop his wispy white curls perches a jaunty green cap decorated with a fan of peacock feathers.? Am I surprised that his ship is called ?Bird of a Thousand Colors?? No.

Speaking Forsoothly: ??he must suffer me in silk and samite.?

Bad dialogue: ?A swift strike, like a hawk plummeting at a hare, and the great city will be ours.?

Purple Prose: ?Then he was retreating, the sword held high, jade-green flames swirling around cherry-red steel.?

The Department of Silly Names: Ser Hubard Rambton, Guncer Sunglass, Lord Bar Emmon, Nissa Nissa,

Unfortunate Mental Image Dept: ??covered his wrinkled face with a linen square embroidered in red crabs?? ??roasted gull stuffed with mushrooms??

Characterization: As well as being a **** politically, Stannis has a Messiah Complex. Great. Absolutely typical that he would judge religion on its utility--to him. Also typical that he doesn?t get why fiddling with religion would make him unpopular.

What we learn: The legend of Azor Ahai.

Not thinking it out: I?m not sure why Selyse would encourage this notion, given Nissa Nissa?s fate.

What I liked: Davos? loyalty to Stannis doesn?t blind him to Stannis? basic failures.

What I didn?t (in particular): Patchface is singularly irritating.

Criminal Record: one poisoning, one thrashing, two murders, one pillage, one religious crusade,

POVs to date: 7

Davos' character arc to date: Reflects on the finger bone/knight status trade-off/

Rating: 2.5/5

 

Chapter Eleven: Theon

Summary: Somewhat to his chagrin, Theon discovers that he hasn?t been missed by la famille.

Some Thoughts: This chapter is a painful illustration of the problems and the limitations of the POV. It meanders on forever, and the point that Theon is a ****head is belaboured endlessly. Yeah, George, we got it. A narrative voice could establish this in a page or two; this chapter is over twenty pages long?very, very long.

For ye Fanboys: A boring sex scene, complete with boring oral sex.

For ye Fangirls: A boring sex scene, complete with boring breast-pinching.

Truer Words Were Never Spoken Dept: ?But it seems we?re both windy.?

Where Have I Seen This Before? Dept: Cthulhu Mythos.

Fantasy Tropes: Smug Snake (Theon)

Is this a Fantasy Novel or the ?It?s Not My Vault!? Thread? The long, long physical descriptions of Pyke and Lordsport.

Speaking Forsoothly: ??a shameless lickspittle??

Bad dialogue: Pick anything.

Purple Prose: Pick anything.

The Department of Silly Names: Sylas Sourmouth, Dagmer Cleftjaw

Characterization: Theon is ye jerk. Theon?s uncle is ye religious nutbar. Theon?s dad is not possessed of a nurturing disposition.

What we learn: Theon?s dad wants to be a King.

Not thinking it out: As Theon points out, the winner of the war will just bust his chops, but Balon is not persuaded. That he?s even stupider than Theon is not promising.

What I liked: I?m still trying to think of something.

What I didn?t (in particular): If we are going to spend this much time with an unsympathetic character, we need a reason. Something. Anything. I suspect the captain?s daughter may pop up again, given Theon?s eventual fate, but even so, her initiation into various sexual practices at his hands is not enlivening reading. Martin has no gift for sex scenes and ought to stop trying. If Theon were stuffing her with sautéed mushrooms and fennel, on the other hand, the author would undoubtedly make it vivid. Alas, Theon is stuffing her with Theon, which makes it doubly boring.

Criminal Record: one poisoning, one thrashing, two murders, one pillage, one deflowering

POVs to date: 7

Theon's character arc to date: Theon returns to the bosom of his family, and finds it chilly, smelly and salty/

Rating: 1/5

 

The first time reading this series, I had no idea who Theon actually was, so these scenes were confusing to me. I had forgotten his character from the first novel, so the depth of his betrayal of the Starks wasn't apparent to me until my re-read.

Thankfully, the HBO show has made Theon's character more prominent.

 

Chapter Twelve: Daenerys (1)

Summary: Daenerys follows the comet and gets lost in the desert.

Some Thoughts: Daenerys decides the comet is ?a herald of her coming.? Not gonna touch *that* one with a ten-foot barge pole.

For ye Fangirls: Ser Jorah?s crush on her Highness

Non Sequitur Dept: ?And what man could hope to equal Drogo, who had died with his hair uncut?? Yeah, that?s a lot to live up to.

Fantasy Tropes: Our Dragons are Different

Metaphors for Dummies: Eat the peach

Bad dialogue: ?I am Pyatt Pree, the great warlock.?

Purple Prose: ?driving thousands of captives before them to sell in the flesh marts that festered like open sores on the shores of Slaver?s Bay.?

It's So Good I have to repeat it: We can?t have a Dany chapter without ?I am the blood of the dragon? and sure enough?

The Department of Silly Names: Pyatt Pree, Xaro Xhoan Daxos, Quaithe of the Shadow

Characterization: Like Stannis Baratheon, Dany has a Messiah Complex.

What we learn: Dany traipses around in a lion skin.

Not thinking it out: Fur in the desert?

What I liked: Some forward momentum

What I didn?t (in particular): The ?blame-the-bitch? story Ser Jorah tells Dany; like Jaime and Robert, when he behaves badly, it?s his wife/sister?s fault. This is a real theme in the books, and it?s getting tired, already.

Criminal Record: one poisoning, one thrashing, two murders, one pillage, one deflowering

POVs to date: 9

Daenerys' character arc to date: tit-twist by bro/deflowered by Conan the Barbarian/Weans Conan from doggie-style/Sleeps with a dragon?s egg/Eats horse?s heart and watches brother tortured to death as a chaser/Drags chained naked guy behind her horse and fries some dragon eggs/Engages a midwife from a pillaged village/Is stoned/Smothers spouse when he won?t have sex with her/Fries dragon?s eggs on his corpse/Wears lion skin in severe heat/

Rating: 2.5/5

 

Theon's betrayal is about as compelling and carefully-made as something that is neither of those things. It's a pity that he goes from vaguely interesting to completely annoying the minute he gets a few real scenes. To me it feels like Martin needed to lose Winterfell and Theon was easily shoehorned into it.

 

Chapter Thirteen: Jon (2)

Summary: The Night Watch?s expedition finds nothing but empty wilding villages

Some Thoughts: The Jon chapters are often very short, which is rather frustrating, since his storyline is the most interesting.

Truer Words Were Never Spoken Dept: ?Why should death make a man truthful, or even clever??

Where Have I Seen This Before? Dept: Deserted villages are a familiar trope.

Fantasy Tropes: The Fair Folk

The Department of Silly Names: Eddison Tollet, Mallador Locke, Ser Ottyn Wythers

Unfortunate Mental Image Dept: Chett and his inflamed boils.

What we learn: The wildings have cleared out.

Not thinking it out: Mormont should take ye hint

What I liked: Sam is becoming less fearful as the rest of the expedition becomes more so.

What I didn?t (in particular): Short, and not much happens

Criminal Record: one poisoning, one thrashing, two murders, one pillage, one deflowering

POVs to date: 8
Jon's character arc to date: Gets drunk/Has shindy with his stepmother/Gets an attitude adjustment/Passes the attitude adjustment on/Intervenes in recruitment/Pouts when he is sorted into Hufflepuff/Fights off zombies storming da castle/Suffers a chorus of raven, but does *not* rhyme it with ?craven?/His desertion is foiled by his pals and his dilatory direwolf/Jon needs to sample life beyond the Wall, so his commanding officer sacrifices himself to the PLOT/Jon discovers that the people living beyond the Wall have fled/

Rating: 1/5

 

Chapter Fourteen: Arya (3)

Summary: A deus ex machina shows up to help with the PLOT.

Some Thoughts: Oh, noes, not this again.

The Edward Bulwer-Lytton Memorial Award: ?The river was a blue-green ribbon shining in the morning sun.?

For ye Fanboys: Gore and violence

For ye Fangirls: Arya saves a lot of undeserving people

Truer Words Were Never Spoken Dept:

Where Have I Seen This Before? Dept:

Fantasy Tropes: Action Girl

The Awesome Scene Syndrome Dept: It?s coming, and will probably involve the psychos, because there is no other reason for saving them.

Improbability Dept.: Arya still nine-years-old, so her actions border on the impossible.

Too Much Information: ??a school of tiny silver fishes were nibbling at his face??

Purple Prose: ??the green water was as warm as tears?? ?flames licking at the belly of the night with hot orange tongues??

The Department of Silly Names: Ser Amory Lorch, Urreg, Qyle, Woth

Unfortunate Mental Image Dept: ?I told you there was bodies?I could taste them in that water.?

Not thinking it out: A psychopath is a psychopath. If they burn to death, count yourself lucky.

What I liked: Nada

What I didn?t (in particular): The PLOT rears its ugly head again. Martin could work harder to integrate PLOT and characterization, but he?s too damn busy describing food, armour and sigils. The assault on the holdfast makes no damn sense (for the assaultees?there?s no money, no ransom and no reason) and we have to believe Gendry and Arya would actually risk their lives to save the three psychos. This reaches close to the stupidity of the Eddard scenes in Book One. But Arya has to be detached from Yoren, and a burst of violence always wakes the audience up. And the psychos are needed for an obviously upcoming Awesome Scene, so we can?t have them burning to death just yet.

Criminal Record: one poisoning, one thrashing, two murders, two pillages, one deflowering, a sack

POVs to date: 8

Arya's character arc to date: Is given razor-sharp dangerous sword/Is allowed to keep razor-sharp dangerous sword/Goes cat-catching so that she can help out with Bad Exposition/Uses razor-sharp sword to commit her first murder at age nine/Witnesses Dad?s decapitation/beats up thug until he soils himself/beats on a hissing psychopath/Meets a wolf while relieving herself/Risks life to save 3 psychopaths with a grudge against her/

Rating: .1/5

 

Chapter Fifteen: Tyrion

Summary: Stannis is letting the cat out of the bag; and Cersei and the council decide to reciprocate, though stupidly.

Some Thoughts: It starts well, but then it collapses into Martinese.

For ye Fanboys: Detailed description of child prostitutes

Fantasy Tropes: Xanatos Speed Chess

Is this a Fantasy Novel or The Food Network? ?Their mothers were copper and honey, chestnut and butter?? Martin?s food obsession is getting pretty damn tedious.

Grammatical Errors: one

Speaking Forsoothly: ?winesink?

Purple Prose: ?Her voice was flowing amber, liquid with the accents of the distant Summer Isles.?

Le Mot injuste: ?The freckled one wore a chain of blue flowers in her honeyed hair.? He means honey-coloured. Otherwise her hair would be pretty sticky.

The Department of Silly Names: Alayaya, Maester Frenken

Unfortunate Mental Image Dept: Tyrion aroused.

Not thinking it out: Letting both Littlefinger and Varys know what you think of them.

What I liked: A genuinely witty joke: when Cersei complains about being slandered by Stannis as a whore, Tyrion reflects that Stannis never said Jaime *paid* her. And he reflects it, and does not *say* it.

What I didn?t (in particular): This discretion is short-lived. He and Varys have a very indiscreet conversation in which they both make admissions they would not likely make in real life, especially Varys. The more of these admissions Varys makes, the less likely it is that Tyrion doesn?t realize Varys will sell him off in a heartbeat. And once he does, he should conclude that he has to get rid of him. However, the PLOT has other ideas. And of course, Martin being Martin, he has to balance the witty joke with an utterly lame one, in this case involving Patchface the Fool.

Criminal Record: one poisoning, one thrashing, two murders, two pillages, one deflowering, a sack

POVs to date: 8

Tyrion's character arc to date: Slaps nephew/Talks too much/Duels with crab forks/rhymes ?craven? with ?raven?/Confesses his sins to a breast-feeder and breast-feedee/steals goat/Acquires a hairy entourage/Loses half the hairy entourage in battle/Appointed Hand of inbred psychotic/Accepts the job instead of running for the hills/Recruits for the Night?s Watch/Hangs about leering at child prostitutes/

Rating: 2/5

 

Chapter Sixteen: Brandon II (2)

Summary: Brandon sits around while people tell him things he probably already knows.

Some Thoughts: Brandon chapters can be summed up as follows: Bran Will Have Yet Another Prophetic Dream Plus A Lot of Boring Exposition. Brandon Will Experience Angst. Hodor Will Say: ?Hodor? Osha Will Make A Brief Appearance, So We Don?t Forget About Her. (It?s Easier Than Making Her Unforgettable.)

For ye Fanboys: ?She would never tell Bran why his gaunt brother Hother was called Whoresbane.?

Fantasy Tropes: Arranged Marriage

Is this a Fantasy Novel or the Royal Heraldry Society ? The minutely detailed descriptions of the Walders? quarterings. If this is important in the plot, I?d be surprised. And Lady Hornwood?s men have a ?moosehead badge on their dusty orange livery.?

[image=http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/4/46/Moosehead.jpg]

Speaking Forsoothly: ?You will talk of naught.?

Purple Prose: ?Long before the first pale fingers of light pried apart Bran?s shutters, his eyes were open.?

Le Mot injuste: King Robb sounds innately absurd; it?s like King Craig, or King Trevor

It's So Good I have to repeat it: A Brandon chapter always has the phrase ?a man grown? in it somewhere (despite the fact he?s ******* eight). And sure enough?this one does, too. Surprise! If Martin eliminated his catch-phrases, he might have written one less book by now, which would be all to the good.

The Department of Silly Names: Wendel Manderly, Mors Crowfood, Galbert Glover, Larence Snow, Leobald Tallhart, Benfred Tallhart, Cley Cerwyn

Unfortunate Mental Image Dept: Osha naked.

Characterization: Brandon is ******* eight. He is not an interesting ******* eight, alas.

What we learn: Some information about the Boltons which needed a paragraph or two, not a chapter; and oh, yeah, Brandon remembers his accident. Whoops!

What I liked: Lady Hornwood?s dilemma is poignant.

What I didn?t (in particular): A great lot of padding and trivia.

Criminal Record: One poisoning, one thrashing, two murders, two pillages, one deflowering, a sack

POVs to date: 8

Bran's character arc to date: watches execution of poor working-class slob/has career as a high-level voyeur truncated/gets flying lessons from mutated wildfowl/is bored by a superannuated peasant/watches execution of working class outlaws who just threatened his boyhood/Is carted around by a dim-wit semi-giant/Talks to his father?s ghost/Howls at the moon/Dreams of a three-eyed crow blinding him and performing an avian lobotomy on him/

Rating: 1/5

 

I'm quoting this because it deserves to be quoted. Unbearably hilarious.

 

Chapter Seventeen: Tyrion (4)

Summary: Tyrion tries to offset Joffrey?s failing fortunes by alliances

Some Thoughts: Pycelle has a full supply of poisons. Tyrion should beware.

For ye Fanboys: Gregor Clegane rapes Elia Martell with her son?s blood & brains on his hands.

Truer Words Were Never Spoken Dept: ??nothing was simple, and little was true.?

Fantasy Tropes: The Chessmaster

Is this a Fantasy Novel or Hell?s Kitchen? Tyrion critiques Pycelle's entire menu: The eggs need salt; the plums are overcooked and watery; and the porridge is too thick and needs butter and honey. He?s the fantasy version of Gordon Ramsay.

She Blinded Me with Non-Science: Cersei goes out riding wearing a crown. Crowns are fricking *heavy*, guys; they are also awkward and slippery, and having one on your head while you bounce up and down on ye horse is not in the cards, George.

Speaking Forsoothly: ?Tallad, he names himself.?

Bad dialogue: ?What avails statecraft against the love of a mother for the sweet fruit of her womb?? Who talks like that? Does losing a body part affect your brain?

Purple Prose: ?Pycelle?s curiosity was so ripe, Tyrion could almost taste it.?

Le Mot injuste: ??while Pycelle served the pontifications.? Huh?

It's So Good I have to repeat it: Tyrion?s mismatched eyes make their usual per chapter appearance. In fact, they are mentioned twice.

The Department of Silly Names: Hallyne the Pyromancer, Qohorik

Unfortunate Mental Image Dept: ??there?s the roach in your pudding??

Characterization: Tyrion imprisons Alliser Thorne for no reason. Smart move, shorty.

What we learn: Tyrion imagines he can play with the big boys.

Not thinking it out: Tyrion steals one of Pycelle?s potions. With ?an orderly mind? he imagines Pycelle won?t notice? Also: Bronn. When Tyrion asks him why he?s watching sword fighting instead of *****, the answer is both a warning and a criticism (of Tyrion). Not that Tyrion is a convincing horndog; he isn?t. Though Martin tries and tries.

What I liked: Tyrion overestimates his own intelligence and underestimates his opponents.

What I didn?t (in particular): Bad codpiece jokes.

Criminal Record: One poisoning, one thrashing, two murders, two pillages, one deflowering, a sack

POVs to date: 8

Tyrion's character arc to date: Slaps nephew/Talks too much/Duels with crab forks/rhymes ?craven? with ?raven?/Confesses his sins to a breast-feeder and breast-feedee/steals goat/Acquires a hairy entourage/Loses half the hairy entourage in battle/Appointed Hand of inbred psychotic/Accepts the job instead of running for the hills/Recruits for the Night?s Watch/Swims with the sharks after smearing himself with fish guts/

Rating: 2/5

 

Chapter Eighteen: Sansa

Summary: Sansa acquires a white knight. Unfortunately, he?s also a Fool, figuratively, and literally. Martin is deconstructing the Trope, which should make it interesting, but doesn?t, mainly because he doesn?t really have much of a sense of humour. (I?m not talking about cracking wise.)

Some Thoughts: One of the worst things about a chapter-by-chapter thread is not being able to skim stuff like this. I had to read everything last bit of it. Torture.

Truer Words Were Never Spoken Dept: ?They?re all liars here?and every one better than you.?

Fantasy Tropes: Knight in Shining Armour (deconstructed)

It's So Good I have to repeat it: ?Come to the godswood tonight, if you want to go home.? Four times. This is known as Bad Style, or Bastardized Steven King.

The Department of Silly Names: Ryam Redwyne

Characterization: Since Ser Dontos is as dumb as a bag of hammers, and a toss-pot to boot, Sansa ought to be suspicious.

What we learn: Ser Dontos says he wants to repay Sansa for saving his life. However?this is a guy who tried to joust bottomless. Idiots are best avoided.

Not thinking it out: Sansa goes along with Ser Dontos instead waiting for (or making) a better chance at escape which does not rely on him.

What I liked: Sansa is a bit more cautious; she burned the note, and she is aware that her maids spy on her.

What I didn?t (in particular): You know what?s coming. Here?s where Martin?s labour in the horror and the TV vineyards bears bitter fruit (as he would put it): he can?t resist a gory or disgusting scene that doesn?t really advance the plot but does pander to the audience?s taste for such things. This Awesome Scene Syndrome is also known as Melodrama. Melodrama is a Bad Thing, especially when it is the norm instead of the exception, as it is here.

Damn that POV: The POV is driving the author to giant improbabilities?for a *second* time, Gregor Clegane lets slip information to Sansa while drunk. Try harder, George, for heaven?s sake. This is just lame.

Criminal Record: One poisoning, one thrashing, two murders, two pillages, one deflowering, a sack


POVs to date: 10

Sansa?s character arc to date: Dimwittedly watches fiancee humiliated/Stupidly watches tourney while villains expose their innermost thoughts/Idiotically protests the prospective breaking of her engagement to an inbred psychotic/Moronically betrays her entire gene pool/Dazedly pleads for Dad after betraying him completely/Foolishly tells her flaming nutbar fiancee that her brother will give her his head/Oddly prefers a polite beating/Dopily equates Ser Dontos with some twee twit named Florian/

Rating: .0001/5

 

Chapter Nineteen: Arya (4)

Summary: Arya and Gendry are in trouble.

Some Thoughts: A not very interesting chapter, despite the ending, which is designed as a semi-Awesome Scene.

For ye Fanboys: Random gore. Oh, and decomposing bodies and bug-eating, which are always crowd-pleasers.

Fantasy Tropes: Names to Run Away From Really Fast: ?A standard of the series. The Hound, the Mad King, the Kingslayer, the Mountain That Rides, the Bloody Mummers, the Crow's Eye, the Red Viper, the Titan's Bastard, and so on...?

The Awesome Scene Syndrome Dept: Lommy?s demise.

Is this a Fantasy Novel or The Food Network? Descriptions of eating bugs and worms.

Le Mot injuste: ?To the East, God?s Eye was a sheet of sun-hammered blue that filled half the world.? The sun uses tools? News to me.

Damn that POV: Here we go again; the PLOT takes over.

Unfortunate Mental Image Dept: Hot Pie retching up a beetle.

Characterization: Gendry is a bit simple.

What we learn: Gendry is captured, because the PLOT demands it.

Not thinking it out: Gendry wants to abandon Lommy and Weasel, which is frankly sensible. Arya should abandon *him* after he's captured, but alas, she doesn?t.

What I liked: Arya?s impulse to kick Yoren?s corpse for failing her.

What I didn?t (in particular): The endless padding. The chapter was twice as long as it needed to be.

Criminal Record: : One poisoning, one thrashing, two murders, two pillages, one deflowering, a sack, one murder

POVs to date: 10

Arya's character arc to date: Is given razor-sharp dangerous sword/Is allowed to keep razor-sharp dangerous sword/Goes cat-catching so that she can help out with Bad Exposition/Uses razor-sharp sword to commit her first murder at age nine/Witnesses Dad?s decapitation/beats up thug until he soils himself/beats on a hissing psychopath/Meets a wolf while relieving herself/Risks life to save 3 psychopaths with a grudge against her/Practices worm-swallowing and beetle-eating/

Rating: .001/5

 

Chapter Twenty: Tyrion (5)

Summary: We meet the pyromancers, who obviously will become important when the Others become a problem later on.

Some Thoughts: 16 pages of padding and two nuggets of plot

Truer Words Were Never Spoken Dept: ?A wise man did not pour wildfire upon a brazier.?

Fantasy Tropes: Feed the Mole

The Awesome Scene Syndrome Dept: Obviously a giant Guy Falkes Day is on the way.

Speaking Forsoothly: : ??a master to see to their hurts?? That?s wounds. ??the fool?s jape?? That?s joke.


Bad dialogue: ?You look gaunt and haggard.? People don?t talk like that; they say ?You look exhausted.?

As You Know, Captain: Tyrion tells Cersei how old her daughter is. Thanks, bro!

Damn that POV: We don?t get much here.

It's So Good I have to repeat it: My God, no mis-matched eyes this time! We do, however, get Cersei slapping the hell out of Tyrion. Again and again.

The Department of Silly Names: Wisdom Munciter

What we learn: Rob doesn?t want peace and Catelyn does.

Not thinking it out: The Lannister don?t seem to consider that there may be an uprising in King?s Landing.

What I liked: Tyrion is somewhat more discreet

What I didn?t (in particular): Cersei is a character that Martin has a lot of trouble writing. She?s not particularly interesting, either, though she could have been.

Criminal Record: One poisoning, one thrashing, two murders, two pillages, one deflowering, a sack, one murder

POVs to date: 10

Tyrion's character arc to date: Slaps nephew/Talks too much/Duels with crab forks/rhymes ?craven? with ?raven?/Confesses his sins to a breast-feeder and breast-feedee/steals goat/Acquires a hairy entourage/Loses half the hairy entourage in battle/Appointed Hand of inbred psychotic/Accepts the job instead of running for the hills/Recruits for the Night?s Watch/Swims with the sharks after smearing himself with fish guts/Inspects defective fireworks/

Rating: 1/5

 

Chapter Twenty-One: Brandon II (3)

Summary: Ye Standard Boring Bran Chapter. These chapters are all alike and basically, they are just marking time. Someone will tell Bran that he did well; and then the usual suspects get trotted out.

Some Thoughts: Does Brandon say ?I want to be a knight?? Check. Does Hodor say ?Hodor?? Check. Does Osha make a cameo appearance? You bet your life she does. And how do we know this? Because the same things happened in the last two Brandon chapters.

For ye Fanboys: A dull sex scene

For ye Fangirls: Meera Reed

Fantasy Tropes: Action Girl

Is this a Fantasy Novel or The Food Network? Minute descriptions of the food served at a banquet

Is this a Fantasy Novel or Fashion Week? Detailed descriptions of Bran?s banqueting outfit, including jewelry (See ?How Not to Write a Novel?, Chapter 4)

Is this a Fantasy Novel or a Horror Flick? : ?He could feel its hot snaky fingers wriggling through his chest as he swallowed.? This about wine, of all things.

Damn that POV: Because of the rotating POV, each POV chapter repeats everything that occurred in the last POV chapter of that character, and then adds something.

It's So Good I have to repeat it: ?I want to be a knight.? ?Hodor.?

The Department of Silly Names: Jojen Reed

What I liked: Nothing

What I didn?t (in particular): The endless padding with a nugget at the centre; it this case, the Reeds.

Criminal Recordne poisoning, one thrashing, two murders, two pillages, one deflowering, a sack, one murder


POVs to date: 10

Bran's character arc to date: watches execution of poor working-class slob/has career as a high-level voyeur truncated/gets flying lessons from mutated wildfowl/is bored by a superannuated peasant/watches execution of working class outlaws who just threatened his boyhood/Is carted around by a dim-wit semi-giant/Talks to his father?s ghost/Howls at the moon/Dreams of a three-eyed crow blinding him and performing an avian lobotomy on him/Flirts with a frog-eater/

Rating: .001/5

 

Chapter Twenty-Two: Catelyn (2)

Summary: Catelyn goes to see Renly

Some Thoughts: You know I hate Catelyn chapters, right? But at least there?s some plot movement here, and the last time that happened in this book was three hundred pages ago.


For ye Fanboys: The joust

For ye Fangirls: The winner of the joust

Truer Words Were Never Spoken Dept: ?This is madness,? Catelyn thought. ?Real enemies on every side, and half the realm in flames, and Renly sits here playing at war like a boy with his first wooden sword.?

Where Have I Seen This Before? Dept: ?Ivanhoe? and ?Le Morte d?Arthur?

Fantasy Tropes: Jeanne d?Archetype (Brienne of Tarth)

Is this a Fantasy Novel or The Food Network? Yup, we get another feast! Just like the other feast in the last chapter, in case we?ve forgotten it in ten pages. Detailed descriptions of the food consumed, which is nearly exactly the same description of the same food eaten in the last feast. Martin?s obsessions are becoming more and more tedious, as they are repeated over and over.

Is this a Fantasy Novel or Fashion Week? ?Led by a greybeard of a knight with bluejays on his surcoat.? He must be from Toronto. [image=http://fc02.deviantart.net/fs47/f/2009/203/9/c/Vintage_Toronto_Blue_Jays_by_bizklimkit.jpg]

Then there?s the Mullendores, that have surcoats with butterflies on them; wow, that?s really designed to cow the enemy, innit? And the Fossaways, who wear apples. I don?t know which is scarier: the red or the green variety. And green-on-green sea turtles really put the fear of God into you.

Factual Errors: Renly is described as green-eyed in ?A Game of Thrones? and blue-eyed in this chapter.

Speaking Forsoothly: ?So rather than look craven, you will dance to Lord Tywin?s pipes?? That is, cowardly.

Purple Prose: ?The black horse and the white one wheeled like lovers at a harvest dance, the riders throwing steel instead of kisses.?

Le Mot injuste: ?Dawn came cruel?? Plonk, plonk.

Damn that POV: Robb sent a crow to the Lannisters; why is he sending his mother to Renly? Because the POV demands it, that?s why.

It's So Good I have to repeat it: ?Winter is coming.?

The Department of Silly Names: Ser Colen of Greenpools

Unfortunate Mental Image Dept: ?Guyard the Green, who fancied himself a singer, diddled a harp and gave them a verse.?

Characterization: If Stannis is Nixon, in Renly we meet JFK.

What we learn: Renly has plenty of support?so far.

Not thinking it out: Eddard Stark promised to protect Robert?s children; a category which doesn?t really include Joffrey, Myrcella or Tommen.

What I liked: Some plot progress!

What I didn?t (in particular): The feast, the fashions, the fatuousness.

Criminal Record: One poisoning, one thrashing, two murders, two pillages, one deflowering, a sack, one murder

POVs to date: 10

Complains about husband's bastard/Complains about husband's bastard/Foils assassination attempt on her son/Is told the assassin's name by her ex-boyfriend and an eunuch/Arrests Tyrion for attempted murder, bad puns and trying to steal her hotel room/Climbs a mountain in the dark with bastard/Watches younger sister behave in an even stupider way that her own/Decides to abandon her younger sons at Winterfall/Makes a deal with a superannuated weasel/Sits around watching a battle because Martin needs a POV/Remembers prepubescent sex scene/Annoys the hell out of her son, her brother, her uncle and the surrounding host/Visits Renly because Martin needs a POV/

Rating: 2/5

 

Chapter Twenty-Three: Jon (3)

Summary: A Jon chapter will feature a crow saying: ?Corn?, bad weather, Dolorous Edd gassing on about nothing in particular, and gnomic sayings by his elders.

Some Thoughts: Just as the Renly chapter was getting interesting, we are beyond the Wall. But still, it?s not a Bran chapter, so I guess I shouldn?t complain.

Where Have I Seen This Before? ?Ride the High Country?

For ye Fanboys: Incest.

For ye Fangirls: Incest.

Did any of the author?s boring obsessions get ye workout? Incest.

Truer Words Were Never Spoken: ?His wives must have different prayers.?

Fantasy Tropes: Arranged Marriage

Too Much Information: Urination habits of the Black Watch

Le Mot injuste: Quorked

Damn that POV: What I wouldn?t give for some narration, plain and simple.

It's So Good I have to repeat it: ?Corn?

The Department of Silly Names: Ser Ottyn Wythers, Lark the Sisterman, Frostfangs

Unfortunate Mental Image Dept: ?The woman?s mouth hung open, a wet pink cave??

What we learn: Craster?s a bad dude, in case you missed it.

Not thinking it out: Jon says that Eddard told him that a bannerman who is unjust dishonours his liege lord as well as himself. Note: the Boltons are Stark bannermen.

What I liked: Jon feeling angry about feeling guilty about not being able to help Gilly

What I didn?t (in particular): 22 pages with next to no plot development, a boring, dreary situation, and a lot of boring, dreary people.

Criminal Record: One poisoning, one thrashing, two murders, two pillages, one deflowering, a sack, one murder, 19 cases of incest,

POVs to date: 10

Jon's character arc to date: Jon's character arc to date: Gets drunk/Has shindy with his stepmother/Gets an attitude adjustment/Passes the attitude adjustment on/Intervenes in recruitment/Pouts when he is sorted into Hufflepuff/Fights off zombies storming da castle/Suffers a chorus of raven, but does *not* rhyme it with ?craven?/His desertion is foiled by his pals and his dilatory direwolf/Jon needs to sample life beyond the Wall, so his commanding officer sacrifices himself to the PLOT/Jon discovers that the people living beyond the Wall have fled/Except an incestuous baby-sacrificin? villain/

Rating: .0000001/5

 

Chapter Twenty-Four: Theon (2)

Summary: Theon chapters are rapidly becoming my least favorite of all.

Some Thoughts: Here we have another example of Martin?s unfortunate tendency toward sacrificing innocent trees for effect, and not much else. A long boring chapter, with very little plot progression and a lot of Theonese.

For ye Fanboys: Incest

For ye Fangirls: Theon is humiliated?once in private and once in public?by his sister.

Did any of the author?s boring obsessions get ye workout? Incest.

Where Have I Seen This Before? Dept: In a documentary, Todd Fisher (Carrie?s brother) once told a supremely embarrassing story about flirting with a very pretty girl, not realizing she was his own half-sister, as an example of how awkward things can get in the fractured families of Hollywood.

Fantasy Tropes: Action Girl; Brother/Sister Incest.

The Awesome Scene Syndrome Dept: the flirting with Asha is just there because Martin wants to have the scene in which Theon discovers he?s put the moves on his own sister.

Is this a Fantasy Novel or Fashion Week? Striped goat?s-hair sashes? Seriously?

Bad dialogue: The ?flirting? dialogue between Theon and Asha is terribly leaden and awkward, even before the truth is revealed.

Damn that POV: Twenty of pages of mostly fodder.

The Department of Silly Names: Lord Goodbrother of Great Wyk; Otter Gimpknee; Rymolf Stormdrunk (that?s got to be a joke);

Unfortunate Mental Image Dept: ??your teats hang past your belly?? Yes, very enticing flirting, that.

Characterization: Theon is an unpleasant moron, but this family could scarcely produce anything else. He finds Asha?s uncharming behavior enticing, but he must be the only person alive who would.

What we learn: Seats in the Martinverse are unusually lurid?the Iron Throne and the Seastone Chair, for two.

Not thinking it out: Never make a pass unless you?re sure who you are feeling up. Especially don?t tell a person you don?t know indiscreet things about your own family. In fact, it?s doubtful even Theon would have done so unless the POV had required it. In Asha's case: it's not wise to antagonize Theon (or anyone) for no reason.

What I liked: Nothing.

What I didn?t (in particular): Siblings indulging in cock and breast squeezing, and twenty pages with next to no plot development. As usual.

Criminal Record: One poisoning, one thrashing, two murders, two pillages, one deflowering, a sack, one murder, 19 cases of incest, one attempted incest,

POVs to date: 10

Theon's character arc to date: Theon returns to the bosom of his family, and finds it chilly, sour & salty/Theon puts the moves on his sister/

Rating: .00000000000000000000000000000000000000001/5

 

Chapter Twenty-Five: Tyrion (6)

Summary: The Brothers Baratheon are fighting each other, instead of with Robb, Joffrey and/or Balon.

Some Thoughts: Better than usual

For ye Fanboys: The lucky Ser Lancel

For ye Fangirls: The lucky Ser Lancel

Truer Words Were Never Spoken Dept: ?I love you as much as I ever have, my lord?

Fantasy Tropes: The Chessmaster

Metaphors for Dummies: ?Shall we raise a cup to brotherly love?? Tyrion says to his sister, who certainly believes in it, if not with him. He is supposedly referring to Stannis and Renley, but don?t bet on it. Not surprisingly, he drugs the cup, though Martin refers to it as ?poisoning? which it isn?t, really.

Speaking Forsoothly: Privily. Which means ?soon?.

Le Mot injuste: ?You can speak to servants or hold your silence.? That?s wrong, I think. It should be ?hold your gob?, or reasonable equivalent therein.

The Department of Silly Names: ?snarks and grumkins?

Unfortunate Mental Image Dept: Pycelle wets the bed when Shagga seeks to dismember him (literally).

What we learn: Cersei likes swimming in her own gene pool, and among the tadpoles, at that.

Not thinking it out: If Cersei is without protection, so are you. And you *should* kill Littlefinger and Varys and no explanation is given why you don?t.

It?s So Good I have to Repeat it: The ?cut-off-his-manhood and feed it to the goats? trope.

What I liked: Theon wasn?t in this chapter.

What I didn?t (in particular): Why does Tyrion wait until night to confront Pycelle? The resulting scene isn?t as interesting as it could have been, given Martin?s non-talent for sex scenes of any description.

Criminal Record: Three poisonings, one thrashing, two murders, two pillages, one deflowering, a sack, one murder, 19 cases of incest, one attempted incest,

POVs to date: 10

Tyrion's character arc to date: Slaps nephew/Talks too much/Duels with crab forks/rhymes ?craven? with ?raven?/Confesses his sins to a breast-feeder and breast-feedee/steals goat/Acquires a hairy entourage/Loses half the hairy entourage in battle/Appointed Hand of inbred psychotic/Accepts the job instead of running for the hills/Recruits for the Night?s Watch/Swims with the sharks after smearing himself with fish guts/Inspects defective fireworks/Dances a jig with the evil queen/Threatens Ser Alliser with a crab fork/Instructs sidekick to dismember a maester/

Rating: 2.5/5

 

Chapter Twenty-Six: Arya

Summary: Torture porn, rape and murder.

Some Thoughts: A short boring chapter while Martin services the fanboys.

For ye Fanboys: Torture porn, rape and murder.

Where Have I Seen This Before? Dept: Any horror movie in the last ten to twenty years.

Fantasy Tropes: Nobody Poops (subverted). There?s a reason nobody poops in fantasy. Scatology is of limited popular appeal unless you are a male ten-year-old. Not that Eddie Murphy hasn?t built a career on that element, because he has.

Too Much Information: Choose anything.

Speaking Forsoothly: ?Lord Beric did us no hurt? ?King Aerys, gods grace him.? Etc, etc.

Bad dialogue: ?Come join the ghosts, or be one.? ?I catch a whiff of any such stinks, you?ll answer for it.? Etc, etc.

Purple Prose: ??they looked like some old man?s gnarled and knuckly fingers groping after a passing cloud.?

Le Mot injuste: knuckly

The Department of Silly Names: Raff the Sweetling

Unfortunate Mental Image Dept: Choose anything.

Not thinking it out: If you kill a lot of people, then you can?t make them into serfs.

What I liked: Arya?s mantra, and the shortness of the chapter

What I didn?t (in particular): Choose anything else.

Criminal Record: Three poisonings, one thrashing, twenty-two murders, twenty-five rapes, two pillages, one deflowering, a sack, 19 cases of incest, one attempted incest, one theft

POVs to date: 10

Arya's character arc to date: Is given razor-sharp dangerous sword/Is allowed to keep razor-sharp dangerous sword/Goes cat-catching so that she can help out with Bad Exposition/Uses razor-sharp sword to commit her first murder at age nine/Witnesses Dad?s decapitation/beats up thug until he soils himself/beats on a hissing psychopath/Meets a wolf while relieving herself/Risks life to save 3 psychopaths with a grudge against her/Practices worm-swallowing and beetle-eating/Urinates in public.

Rating: .00000000000001/5

 

Chapter Twenty-Seven: Daenerys

Summary: Dany is still ******* about in the East. Surprise. She learns Robert Baratheon is dead.

Some Thoughts: A Dany chapter. Which means the purplest prose this side of lilac time, numerous mentions of the blood of the dragon, and lots of overblown absurdity. But if we avoid Theon and Asha Greatjoy?s foreplay, Gregor Clegane?s notions of social interaction, and Hodor, one can assume that it is not as bad as it might be.

The Edward Bulwer-Lytton Memorial Award: ?On the walls of Qarth, men beat gongs to herald her coming, while others blew curious horns that encircled their bodies like great bronze snakes.? Fancy that.

For ye Fanboys: The local habit of bearing one womanly breast (this is common in fantasy, for some reason)

For ye Fangirls: Nibbling fish.

Does any of the author?s boring obsessions get a workout? Description diarrhea (of Quarth), complete with copulating snake decorations.

Fantasy Tropes: Childe Harold to the Dark Tower came.

Grammatical Errors: One

Speaking Forsoothly: ?I mislike the very smell of this place.?

Bad dialogue: ?If you see anything you would desire, O most beautiful of women, you have only to speak and it is yours.? And so forth. The Quartheen have all studied Bad Fantasy Dialogue diligently.

Purple Prose: The Quarth descriptions are endlessly overwritten.

Le Mot injuste: Camelry? (yes, I know it?s a real word, it?s just a stupid real word)

The Department of Silly Names: zorses (zebras); Xaro Xhaon Daxos; Quhuru Mo;

Unfortunate Mental Image Dept: ?a languid elegant man with a bald head and a great beak of a nose encrusted with rubies, opals and flakes of jade.?

Characterization: Dany is trying hard to be smarter, but she?s still barely sentient

What we learn: Robert?s dead, Joffrey?s on the throne.

Not thinking it out: Dany discloses her plans to a stranger

What I liked: Theon?s not in this chapter.

What I didn?t (in particular): The padding with a nugget, yet again.

Criminal Record: One poisoning, one thrashing, two murders, two pillages, one deflowering, a sack, one murder, 19 cases of incest, one attempted incest, one attempted dismemberment, 159 violations of the English language;

POVs to date: 10

Daenerys' character arc to date: tit-twist by bro/deflowered by Conan the Barbarian/Weans Conan from doggie-style/Sleeps with a dragon?s egg/Eats horse?s heart and watches brother tortured to death as a chaser/Drags chained naked guy behind her horse and fries some dragon eggs/Engages a midwife from a pillaged village/Is stoned/Smothers spouse when he won?t have sex with her/Fries dragon?s eggs on his corpse/Wears lion skin in severe heat/Meets people with jewel-encrusted noses, blue lips and purple dialogue/

Rating: .001/5