Beyond - Legends Black, White, Grey and Red - Ben Skywalker [DDC 2013] - Updated Aug 1st

Title: Black, White, Grey and Red
Author: Briannakin
Timeframe: Between LOTF and FOTJ
Characters: Ben, Luke with appearances from H/L, Kam, Tionne and others
Notes: Written for the 2013 Dear Diary Challenge. Originally this was going to be a lot lighter than what it turned into, but I don't believe the EU shows realistic mental reactions to horrific events. Don't fret, there will be some snark.

Each entry will start with a quote, some from me, some from other people.



“When you're not okay, you will do anything to convince the world you are, and the ‘world’ includes yourself.”

Data-pad: On.
Entry 1

Aunt Leia told me to start a ‘journal.’ She told me it would help me ‘figure out stuff.’ I honestly don’t know what I am supposed to figure out though. Everything seems pretty black and white to me:

1. A year ago a war started. It was originally between the Five Worlds of Corellia and the Galactic Alliances.

2. My cousin, Jacen, helped start said war and by the end of it was conducting it singlehandedly for his own gain.

3. I killed people in this war.

4. Four months ago my mother was killed.

5. Jacen killed my mother.

6. Jacen turned into Darth Caedus.

7. A week ago, my other cousin, Jaina, killed Caedus.

8. A week ago, the war ended.

9. Today we burned Caedus’ body.

The adults in my life worry about me. I honestly don’t know why. Whenever they ask me, “How are you?” I reply that I’m fine. As long as they think I’m fine and I think I’m fine, then I will be fine. I think they were just unnerved by the fact that I was the only person that didn’t cry at Jacen’s/Darth Caedus’ funeral pyre. Why should I have cried? The guy killed my mother, sacrificed my innocence, tortured me both physically and mentally, and turned me into a murderer. I don’t care that he’s now damned for eternity. I just don’t give a shavit anymore.

I hear my aunt talking to my dad now. I know it’s not right to eavesdrop, but it’s hard not to. My aunt just told my dad that I should see a psychiatrist and my dad agreed with her. I know they mean well, but I don’t need some shrink. I am not some broken thing that needs ‘fixing.’

Frankly, I’m tired of being asked “How are you?” It’s like they want me to break down and cry into their arms or something. Maybe I am FINE. Is that so hard to comprehend?

What’s not fine is the current state of the government. Who in the galaxy thought it would be a good idea to let Daala be Chief of State? I have a bad feeling about her. I think my dad and aunt are the ones that need their heads checked by a shrink.

Entry Saved
Data-pad: Off.

 

SO TRUE!! Come on, Daala? Really? That would be like President of the United States Charles Manson. Poor Ben...it is hard losing a parent, but losing one violently by your cousin's hand would be tough. I don't blame him for not crying at the funeral. He should have been peeing on the Funeral Pyre and then later dancing on the ashes. And I am more irritated with the profic authors for taking the hero of the Vong War and making him a nutcase Sith.

Sorry for the rant. I look forward to reading this diary.

 

Did anyone really expect Ben to cry? Great beginning.

 

I second JL's rant. Like, hello? Who would actually elect Daala? And turning Jacen into a nutcase -- and yes, Ben's tone is absolutely right on the mark. Feels like he "felt" in Echoes of Always. Not only is your world shattered but there has to be a bit of you that thinks: Couldn't the wise, been-there, done just about it all adults who are incidentally Jedi to boot, have seen some of this and prevented it? Or at least tried? Then, to have taken lives himself -- that is definitely something to have therapy over, even in our place and time, those who are in law enforcement or a war need counseling behind that sort of thing, much less someone Ben's age.

Very taken in by the title.

 

Ben does need to work some stuff out. I'm glad you're helping him, Bri.

Great start!

 

Aunt Leia told me to start a ‘journal.’ She told me it would help me ‘figure out stuff.’ I honestly don’t know what I am supposed to figure out though.

That's something he'll figure out as he goes along... as maddening as that might be. Wonderful start.

 

i can't wait to read more!

 

Oh, a Ben diary! Fun! But poor guy. He's in a rough place, but he's resilient. And I agree. That whole Daala thing calls for a whole bunch of people to have their heads examined. Great start and looking forward to more.

 

Loved this!

Please check out mine if you have time!

 

Saw a Shrink once to see about something and I hated the guy. I didn't say as much as I might have said because I didn't want to be mocked for my views.

But I am with everyone else with the Daala thing.

I suggest we conduct a raid on Del Rey and give those idiots a piece of our minds.


I tried to get Seven to help me hack their files so I could find the name of the Sleemo that suggested Daala,, Sith Jacen, Ben keeping his parents at arms length and Mara's death. She said that it was a foolish waste of my time and hers and that there was nothing I could do about it that would be constructive. I told her that it would be a good way to let my displeasure be known and let them know what a mess they have made of things. She hasn't gotten back to me yet.

But I would like to get tagged when you update.

 

I can give you the number of a good shrink. She's worked some wonders with a certain schizophrenic Gand...

Add me to the update tag.

 

I really enjoyed this as well, Briannakin. Ben definitely has a defensive denial going on here. And the fact that his Aunt and Uncle are the ones who need therapy is was a nice touch at the end.

I look forward to seeing how Ben 'figures stuff out'.

 

Love this!!
As much as he doesn't want to believe it, Ben is not fine... probably far from it. Hopefully this journal will help him work though it all, though.

I look forward to reading this! Would you mind tagging me when you update?

Great start!

 

Thank you all for reading I agree, electing Daala made no sense in-universe and it was a poorly constructed plot device for Lotf/Fotj. Ben does have some things to work through. I'm going to try to update this every second Saturday or Sunday.


Tag list: @Lady_Misty TrakNar mavjade


~ ~ ~ ~ ~


“The main problem with teenagers is that they're just like their parents were at their age.” - Unknown

Data-pad: On.
Entry 2

Kriff! I can’t stand my dad sometime. I know he loves me but sometimes I feel as if he’d prefer it if I was only alive when it was convenient for him.

When my mom died, my dad and I forged a relationship out of necessity. Now that the war is over and we each have our own things going on, that relationship is getting strained. It’s as much my fault as it is his. I don’t want to lose him like I did my mother but I find it hard to talk to him, especially now. The war distracted my dad from my mom’s death. Now I think he’s dwelling on it again. Some people might say we need a mushy heart-to-heart talk, but that just isn’t me or my dad.

It has been a month since the end of the war and things in my life have sort have fallen into a routine. My dad figured I should have a break from all things Jedi, so he forced me to work on my regular school work. Since he’s the Grand Master and my father, I have to do what he says. But I have been so focused on perils of life, death and the Force over the past year, it is nice to have a break from all that. I am getting a regular Coruscanti high school diploma via correspondence – I’ve been working on it in my spare time all throughout the war and before then I worked on it in-between missions. I get the work package for each required course, I work through it at my own pace, and then I go do the final exam at the headquarters for the school.

I’ve been working pretty hard on my school work over the past month, and I was already almost finished it when the war broke out. I’m actually not all good looks and Jedi charm, I do have a head on my shoulders. Plus working at my own pace means I can get the courses done much quicker than I would in a normal school. So, I’ve been doing my FINAL final exams over the past few days, which is exciting because learning algebra is the last thing I want to do all day.

Today I did my last exam I will ever have to do (that is, if I passed them all) and I told my dad when he dropped me off that I would be done at 1630 hours and that I would need I ride home. He said that it was fine.

So I was done right at 1630 (when the headquarters closes) and I waited outside in the freezing cold for him, and of course I forgot my coat, and I was wearing typical civilian clothing. When my dad didn’t show up by 1700, I tried his comm.

He didn’t answer.

Then I realized my comm had a low battery. I could make one call. So I called Uncle Han, only to remember that he, Aunt Leia and Allana (who is Ameila in public), are off planet.

And then to top off my wonderful situation, I looked in my backsack to find that I forgot my wallet. I couldn’t even get a shuttle bus across 12 sectors of Coruscant to get home.

I used some pretty colourful language at that point.

By 1800, I was considering trying a mind trick on the next shuttle bus that came by. Yeah, it wouldn’t have been a very good use of my powers, but I was getting desperate. Then my dad finally decided to show up. I was not impressed and I let him know by throwing my backsack in the back seat and slamming the door when I got into the passenger’s seat.

“Nice of you to show up,” I muttered, putting on my crash-webbing.

He sighed. “I’m sorry Ben. A meeting I had ran late and I honestly forgot about you.”

“How in kriff can you forget your only son?” I blurted.

“Look, Ben, I’m sorry. You don’t need to swear at me.” He was completely calm as he rebuked me while driving. “I’m still not used to this whole single parent thing. Somewhere at the back of my mind I thought you were getting picked up by your mother.”

If I wasn’t angry before, I was then. “Don’t use that as an excuse. For half of my life you were gone on some mission or another. Mom was the single parent and she never forgot about me.”

I couldn’t listen to him anymore, so I stuck my earphones in and turned my jAmBot on, turning my music up so loud that I couldn’t even think.

We were almost home and I was just about calm when my dad pulled out one of my earphones. That just got me annoyed, but what he said made me mad. “I think you need to talk to someone Ben,” he said. “You aren’t the same kid you once were.”

No shavit I’m not the kid I once was. Do I need to list all the things Darth Caedus did to me?

“Dad, I’m fine.”

“I know that, but I booked you an appointment to see Dr. Maalanra tomorrow. He specializes in post-traumatic stress disorder. Just talk to him for an hour.”

I was so glad we were parked by then, because I just snapped. “I don’t need to talk to some kriffing shrink! I need my father to start remembering that he has a son!” I got out of the speeder, and slammed the door. He sat there and stared at me. When I got to the turbolift, I closed the doors, not waiting for him. I spent the rest of the night in my room.

After I heard him go to bed, I packed my things and left. I left him a note on the kitchen counter. It said: Gone to Ossus. Needed space to think.

Entry Saved
Data-pad: Off.

 

sorry double post

 

Teenage runaways... Never a good sign.

 

You have Ben's voice down again You describe and portray their stuckness and his I'm outa here attitude Like that ever solved a thing If the problem's in your own head, it'll still be dogging you no matter how or where you run off. Luke is gonna go I'm so over this note thing. No kidding. Knowing him, he'll wonder what is it about me that they think a note is enough? This reminds me of Lane's great Downward Spiral. Much stuff to slog through before healing can even begin.

 

Ouch, that must really hurt, seeing how it ended the last time a family member left Luke with only a note.Why is it that these two simply can't talk to each other? Luke should try just beeing Dad for a while, and Ben shouldn't run away every time he needs to work out "stuff".

Great start! Could you tag me, please?

 

Ben is so dead when his father catches up with him.

Talking is good for the soul.

 

You certainly got the teenager-acting-up part down pat. It's easy to forget how young Ben is with all he's been through. Luke is going to need extra Jedi patience.

Also, i forgot to ask for tags, so tag me please.

 

I don't generally like diary writing.. but this captured my attention.
You've captured Ben beautifully.
The confusion, bluntness, anger and angst is well blended.
Look forward to more..
S_M

 

Oh no...
I feel so sorry for them both, it must be so hard!

And for Ben to run away leaving a note...

I look forward to more!

 

Luke could have handled that better...like saying "I made an appointment for FAMILY counseling." By setting up an individual appointment it is giving Ben the signal that it is all his problem, which it isn't.

My sons were upset when I didn't pick them up on time from school once. They didn't tell me their after school robotics club meeting was canceled. I am not a mind reader.

Nice update.

 

Luke is going to flip out, getting a note like that. It must be the Jade way. This is breaking my heart. I want happy Luke and Ben again!!

 

Luke is gonna flip...I feel so bad for both of them right now.

Please tag me!