Due to lack of posting, I will now offend all Tolkien fans with The Silmarillion in 1000 words

THE ENTIRE SILMARILLION OF J. R. R. TOLKIEN IN ONE THOUSAND WORDS.


AINULINDALE:

ILUVATAR: Ahem.
AINUR: Wow! Existence!
ILUVATAR: *blows pitch pipe* LA!
AINUR: LA LA LA!
ILUVATAR: LA LA!
AINUR: LA LA!
MELKOR: This sucks. BUM BUM BA DUM!
AINUR: Um. . . la?
ILUVATAR: Ahem. LA!
MELKOR: Boop bop-a-doo-bop!
ILUVATAR: LA, dammit.
MELKOR: Bwam bardle ningle boom.
AINUR: . . .
ILUVATAR: Right, you're out of the band.
MELKOR: Fine, I was leaving anyway.
AINUR: . . .
ILUVATAR: What are you waiting for?
AINUR: Oh. Right. Newly created world. Sorry. Great jam session, big guy!
ILUVATAR: Yeesh.



VALAQUENTA:

MANWE: I'm in charge!
VARDA: I'm Manwe's spouse. And queen of the stars!
NAMO: I do death and fate. They call me Mandos.
VAIRE: I'm Namo's spouse. I weave things.
IRMO: I have gardens. They call me Lorien.
ESTE: I'm Irmo's spouse. I take care of the gardens.
YAVANNA: I make things grow.
NIENNA: I'm sad.
ULMO: I live in the ocean.
AULE: I'm Yavanna's spouse. I've got a great big hammer! I made dwarves.
NESSA: I dance.
OROME: I hunt!
VANA: I'm Orome's spouse. I make living things happy.
TULKAS: I'm strong. I'm Nessa's spouse. I got here last.
MELKOR: I'm bad, momma, I'm ONE BAD MUTHA-
TULKAS: Grar.
MELKOR: Um. Yeah. Hiding now.



QUENTA SILMARILLION:

VALAR: Hey! Ilmaren! Party on the island, everyone!
MELKOR: Bah. Too bright. *builds fortress, kicks over lamps*
VALAR: AUGH! *flee to west*
MELKOR: Hu hu hu.
VALAR: Oooooh SHINY TREES! Yavanna made shiny trees!
YAVANNA: Yep! Aren't they pretty?
MELKOR: Want shiny.
VALAR: Nope.
MELKOR: Why not?
VALAR: Because you're a jerk.
ELVES: Oh hey, stars. Shiny!
MELKOR: Oh hey, breeding stock.
ELVES: AUGH!
UNGOLIANT: Want shiny.
MELKOR: Let's go get shiny.
FEANOR: I've made more shiny!
VALAR: Good, 'cos Melkor took ours. Can we have yours?
FEANOR: No! MY SHINIES! MINE!
VALAR: Aw, dammit.
MELKOR: Got the shinies!
UNGOLIANT: Not enough shiny. Want more shiny!
MELKOR: You can't have 'em.
UNGOLIANT: Grar.
MELKOR: Eeek! *runs*
FEANOR AND SONS: We're gettin' our shinies back. And YOU CAN'T HAVE 'EM, Valar!
MELKOR/MORGOTH: No you're not. *stabbity fiery burny death*
BEREN: Ooo! Pretty elf lady!
THINGOL: You can have her if you ... BRING ME A SHINY!
BEREN: Worth a shot.
LUTHIEN: La la la
MORGOTH: Ooo baby... *zzz*
BEREN: Got your shiny!
MORGOTH: you BASTARD! I stole those fair and square!
CARCHAROTH: Grar.
BEREN: Ow!
THINGOL: Got the shiny?
BEREN: 's in my hand.
THINGOL: And?
BEREN: Hand's not here.
THINGOL: ****, I really wanted that shiny.
CARCHAROTH: GRAR!!!!
BEREN: *dies*
LUTHIEN: *dies* La la la.
MANDOS: ... oh all right.
LUTHIEN: *returns to life*
BEREN: *returns to life*
LUTHIEN: Beren! Look! The shiny! In a necklace!
FEANOR'S SONS: *mutter*
LUTHIEN: *dies again*
BEREN: *dies again*
DIOR: Oo, Mom's shiny!
FEANOR'S SONS: WANT SHINY!
DIOR: *dies*
ELWING: Eek! *grabs shiny, runs*
FEANOR'S SONS: Dammit.
EARENDIL: Hey. Nice shiny. Yo! Valar!
VALAR: Well FINALLY. *stomp stomp stomp*
EARENDIL: Wow, planetary orbit!
MORGOTH: Eek!
VALAR: Got your shinies!
MAGLOR AND MAEDHROS: You mean OUR shinies!
VALAR: Oh dammit.
MAGLOR AND MAEDHROS: Ow! Burny shinies!
MAEDHROS: Fine. This sucks. *jumps into chasm*
MAGLOR: Um... not really looking forward to meeting Dad again... *chucks shiny into sea* Bye. *wanders off*
VALAR: Well... um... okay.



AKALLABETH:

VALAR: Thanks for helping with Morgoth, Edain! Have an island! Elros is in charge!
EDAIN: Cool!
VALAR: Don't come looking for us.
EDAIN: Okay.
ELVES OF TOL ERESSEA: Have our stuff!
NUMENOREANS: Neat! Ooo, Middle-Earth!
GIL-GALAD: Dudes. Good to see you.
NUMENOREANS: Yeah, same here. What's going on?
GIL-GALAD: War with Sauron mostly.
MEN OF MIDDLE-EARTH: Shiny tall wonderful wise sea-king dudes! Yay!
NUMENOREANS: Here, have some stuff and wisdom.
MEN OF MIDDLE-EARTH:
NUMENOREANS: Life is cool. Why do we have to die?
ELVES: You're human?
NUMENOREANS: Can the Valar fix that?
VALAR: No.
NUMENOREANS: That sucks

 

All of this would probably be funny to me if a didn't go to sleep after reading 10 pages of Silmarillion.

 

It did that to me as well at first

 

Hmm... not surprised. I probably will never ever try to read it again. The damn thing is boring beyond everything on this pitiful world.

 

*Waits for Amon, Noldor and Raja to see that*

 

*ignores viciously*

 

Well, it's true.

LOTR was a good read, but this... this should be used for torturing people. Read it to any POW and he'll betray his own mother...

 

*Reads first post*

I've read Silmarillion two or three times it's not because, I couldn't sleep I wanted to know everything about Middlearth, and I was expecting, that it would be a 'little' bit different than Lords of the Rings.
Sillmarilion is like a.. um... book of legends. It makes LotR, and hobbit more depeer and more wonderfull It's pity, that Tolkien haven't wrote a whole book about Beren and Luthien, or about the First Ring War...

 

Cobra, you bloody BLASPHEMER!!!! How dare you do this to a book as brilliant as Silmarillion?!?!

You're braking my Tolkien-fan's heart!

I have to admit that it is funny, though.

 

Your heart must be repairable then, or have you got several? Because you said that when I wrote A/P as well

To appease you, another spoof

Monty Python style.

Act I

Ornate Terry Gilliam title card, decorated with half-naked Valar cavorting with fruit and feathers:

"AINULINDALE"



Scene opens with black-and-white stock footage of knights fighting ? lots of grunts and yells. Abrupt shift to close-up color footage of Michael Palin, in "Knights of Ni" garb, being attacked by the other five Pythons. Terry Jones and Terry Gilliam, both in drag, are biting his ankles. John Cleese and Eric Idle, in flowing fake beard and robes, arm hanging onto his arms. Graham Chapman, in King Arthur gear, has him in a headlock. Zoom in on Chapman. Caption reads, "Manwe: the good one." Zoom in on Palin. Caption reads, "Melkor, the bad one." Melkor breaks free, and the scene shifts to the same B&W footage as before. Finally we see Melkor tied to a spit and being slowly turned over a fire.

Melkor: It?s a fair cop.

Fade to black



Act II

Fade in on a cartoon stage. The curtains open, revealing a cartoon chorus line of high-kicking gods, goddesses, elves, orcs, humans and balrogs, pulling behind them a banner that reads:

QUENTA SILMARILLION"



Once the chorus line is gone, the curtain draws back out of sight, leading into?

Scene 1:

A group of gods and elves are sitting around underneath two trees, one decorated with white Christmas lights, the other with gold lights.

Manwe: Well, my friends, how do you like Valinor so far?

As the elves are about to answer, Melkor sneaks up behind the group and throws a convenient switch. The trees ? and the screen ? go dark.

Feanor: Er, just lovely, Lord. So?.when can we leave?

Fade to black, then fade in again on?

Scene 2:

Zoom in on Feanor(Eric Idle in a black wig), standing proudly at the head of an elven ship, wig streaming out behind him and threatening to blow away. He crams it down with one hand.

Narrator: And so bold Feanor set out from Valinor in search of freedom ? and those most precious of Christmas tree ornaments, the Silmarils, which had been stolen by Melkor in the confusion of the Great Party Crashing. With Feanor came his seven sons: Maedros (close-up of Idle again, but this time he?s wearing a false mustache), Maglor (Idle again, with a false beard), Celegorm (Idle with glasses), Caranthir (Idle, quickly slipping on a set of false teeth), Curufin (Idle, slightly desperate now, adjusting a Groucho Marx nose & glasses), Amrod (Idle, even more desperate, cramming on a cowboy hat), and Amras (Idle, franticly shaving his head), the lady Galadriel (Terry Jones in drag, simpering prettily) ? and a bunch of other people whose names you won?t remember anyway. Feanor died shortly after his arrival in Middle-earth ?

Amras, interrupting: Can I have his wig?

Narrator (continuing, somewhat testily): ?leaving his sons to continue the quest for the Silmarils.

Fade out

Scene 2:

Fade in once again on the B&W stock footage of knights fighting

Narrator: And so it went, for years untold (in this fifteen-minute version, at least): battle and death, death and doom, doomed romance and death, and the occasional romantic doomed battle to the death?. Thus we come to the tragic tale of Beren and Luthien.

Beren (Chapman) stands arm-in-arm with Luthien (Jones) before the throne of King Thingol (Idle)

Beren: Even now, a silmaril is in my hand! (He pulls him arm out of his cloak, showing that his hand is missing.)

Thingol: Oh, right, very impressive. And you lost that stealing a silmaril from the Dark Lord, did you? Well, I call that convenient!

Beren (less confidently): Truly, lord: even now a silmaril is in my hand!

Thingol: Yes, yes, you said that a moment ago. I suppose you were just standing there holding the stone when some big bad wolf just came along and bit your hand off!

Beren: Er, actually?.

Thingol: Honestly, just how stupid do you think I am? You expect to just waltz into my throne room o

 

I didn't. A&P suck, they deserve to be laughed at. But Silmarillion and palaeontology are another matter.

Funny rewrite, but again - a blasphemy.

 

Actually, I broke your Mathematicians Heart. So there

 

Cobra... You'll burn in Angband... very slowly....

 

Meh, I'd prefer planetary orbit like Earendil

 

I like the parodies, and I don't find them as a blasphemy, as they're usually written by people being fans themselves. But what Orion said about torturing people with Silmarillion was a

 

I still think it can do bigger damage than physical torture.

It makes me wanna do this => http://www.inet.hr/~hpodobni/smajliji/seppuku.gif

edit: and yeah...

 

Yep, reading Kafka or Dostoevsky can cause psychical damage too... to certain people.

 

What? have you already done it?

*Preparing place for Orion in Angband too*

 

What? Seppuku?

 

Yup

 

I still think it can do bigger damage than physical torture.

LOL, Orion, you will really burn in Angband. By burning I mean that you will have to sit and listent to Morgoth reading chapters of Silmarillion to you.

 

Well, I keep trying. Practice makes perfect. But my seppuku instructor says that i'm a hopeless cause.

Personally I think Morgoth would fall asleep also.

 

That explains everything

 

Excellent parody. Though I like the book.