Grudge Match 27 Jul 05 Stormtroopers VS Red Shirted Ensigns

Well, I suppose it's rather obvious that Harry Potter "witch slaps" Anakin Skywalker (yes I know, bad joke).

Well, onto a new grudge match...I have been soooo saving this one! Again all of these are stolen from www.grudge-match.com

The Setting

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It's just past midnight in the industrial section of Los Angeles. The sounds of a window being shattered roll across the mostly empty streets, adding a burglar alarm to the several car alarms already going off. Steam rises from a manhole cover as Ensign Jackson, Ensign Johnson, and Ensign Smith walk down a dark alleyway. A cat scurries away from them, momentarily masking an eerie humming noise coming from behind them. Ensign Jackson turns to stare directly into a hovercraft full of stormtroopers!! "Monochromes!" The others turn, but it's too late for Ensign Johnson, who takes a laser shot right in the chest. Ensign Smith gets one in the leg but is O.K. They dive behind some garbage cans (which guard them from the laser fire) and fire back. After one stormtrooper is wounded, they drive off, considering their drive-by shooting a success. But it's only the beginning...`
An all out turf war between the "Reds" and the "Monochromes" breaks out. Considering their propensity for dying, not to mention their bad aim, who comes out on top in this gang war to end all gang wars? (No back up from the Empire or the Federation is allowed.)


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Red-Shirted Ensigns
vs.
Stormtroopers

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The Commentary

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STEVE: This is a difficult one to call, Brian. After all, neither of these expendable gang members ever lasts more than a few moments before being killed. However, I'm going to have to say that the Stormtroopers are going to win this one (with heavy losses of course). There are a few resaons for this. First of all, the stormtroopers are always killed by the rebels. Against Wookies, Jedis and smugglers, who wouldn't lose? The bad guys always lose. However, the "Reds" are good guys, and they STILL get killed. Pathetic.
Second, look at all the motivation in their lives: if they screw up, Vader is right there to punish them (we're not talkin 'bout no wimpy caning here, either!). They also spend all day on the dreary Death Star, which as far as I can tell, doesn't even have any women on it -- therefore they have projected all of their built-up sexual tension into rage. Stand back, ensigns!

Finally, there's the all-important coolness factor. Everyone knows that the being in a gang is all about being cool. The troopers have armor (who cares if it never works), helmets, and real blaster guns. They just look cool. The ensigns have tacky 70's skin-tight polyester shirts. Their phasers look like toys. Boy, are they cool. NOT!

BRIAN: Steve, you are so far off on so many levels, I don't know where to begin. I guess I'll just take it one at a time:

1.) The "Good Guy"/"Bad Guy" is pure "Ewok Bung" (I refer you and our readers to my scintillating discourse on the subject on Grudge Match IV: Vader v. Kenobi).

2.) When you're worried about dying, you ain't worried about Vader. Also, the Ensigns will be even more sexually uptight because they are constantly surrounded by women but can't touch them (because Kirk has downs on all of 'em). The Stormtroopers don't have the constant temptations, so they won't be as stressed. In fact, I think a lot of them are gay. Did you ever see one of them even check out the Princess?

3.) Stormtroopers may look impressive in that armor, but it's all a facade. The armor (as you mentioned) does no good. The Ensigns, long ago accepting their fragile state, shed any armor and donned the polyester outfits that are good enough for Kirk (and look how he scored). The Stormtroopers are living in denial, something that will only hur

 

StormTroopers have thermal detonators, nuff said

 

They are both so inept that they end up killing each other (and themselves) off...and it's a draw.

 

Sheer numbers here... how many Ensigns do you see in any Star Trek movie?... now how many Starmtroopers do you see? The inept troopers take it but at heavy losses.

Lod-Reh SaJon ~
"If you seek knowledge and understanding look to the Force.
If you seek pain and suffering look no further than me."