Jokes? Anybody?

these are all so hilarious!!

 

A blonde calls 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cries.

The dispatcher responds, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in.

"Disregard," he says. "She got in the back seat by mistake".

 

LoL! Always love a blond...er...blonde...whatever...joke!

 

New flash spoof!!

enjoy

 

George Carlin Strikes Again

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:
NAIVE

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a
peeing section in a swimming pool?

OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the
Tennessee Titans?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that
one enjoys it?

There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at
Hooters

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several
times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two
cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just
stale bread to begin with?

10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
person who drives a race car not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
depressed?

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
men?

20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . .
they're cramming for their final exam.

21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny
little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers
use? Toothpicks?

22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just
put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look
for them while they deliver the mail?

23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?

24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is
winning.

26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?

27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next
door went nuts.

28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

 

Did you know that some drive-through bank machines have brail on them?

Also, in Texas, they have drive-through liquor stores. For the drink driver on the go. "I can't go into the store! I've got places to go, people to hit." "Christmas time, up on the sidewalk.." *bump* *bump* *bump* (the last one came from Drew Carry)

 

The newlyweds entered the elevator of their Miami Beach hotel.
The operator, a magnificent blonde, looked at them in surprise and
said, "Why, hello, Teddy, how are you?"
A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room, when
the bride demanded: "Who was that woman?!"
"Take it easy, honey," said the groom, "I'm going to have trouble
enough explaining you to her."

 

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael, the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God released a deep sigh of
satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look, Michael, look what I've made."Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said,
"What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it.
I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern
Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.
Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there
is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to different countries.

"This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and
covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and
said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's New Hampshire, the most glorious place on Earth.

There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, sunrises and beaches.
The people from New Hampshire are going to be modest, intelligent, and
humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be
extremely sociable, hardworking, and high-achieving, and they will be known
throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about
balance, God? You said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the crazy bunch of wackos I'm
putting next to them in Massachusetts."

 

George Carlin.

 

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the
fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men
started talking and bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so
successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line
dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully
loaded."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker,
and he's doing so well that he gave a friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of
business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How
is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar."
The other three men grew silent as he continued,

"I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing, but he must be doing well. His
last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock
portfolio."

 

these are great, guys!

 

hungry?

 

keep em comin!

 

What's the definition of eternity?
4 blondes at a 4-way stop intersection.

*********************************************

What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
Popeye almost killed him!

 

MOM'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a
wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point, she said, "Mommy, look at this," and stuck out two of her
fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my
mouth and said, "Mommy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them
before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers
with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

 

Gross!

 

Star Trek and Iraq

The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech,
and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands
and as they walk the Iraqi says, "You know, I have just one question about
what I have seen in America."
President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I
will."

The Iraqi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are
Russians, Blacks, Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset.
He doesn't understand why there are never any Arab characters?"

President Bush laughs and leans toward the Iraqi , and whispers back, "It's
because it takes place in the future."

---

Someone sent me an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things you've started. It is definitely working for me. I am now making a point of always finishing what I start,and I think I am well on my way toward finding inner peace. Because I care for you, I am passing this wisdom on to you.

Here are the things that I have finished today:

Two bags of potato chips,
A strawberry cheesecake,
A package of Oreos,
A bag of jelly beans,
And a large box of chocolates.

I think this really works because I feel better already

 

For Non-Morning People:

I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still.
When suddenly a tiny bird,
Perch on my window sill.

He sang a song so lovely,
So carefree and so gay.
That slowly all my troubles,
Began to slip away.

He sang of far off places,
Of laughter and of fun.
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers,
Crept slowly out of bed.
And gently lowered the window,
And crushed his freakin' head.

 

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to
be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and
calls emergency services.


He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in
calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure
he's dead."


There is a silence, then a shot is heard.


Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"

 

That sounds like a few people I know....

 

That last joke was recently determined to be one of the funniest jokes in the world.

 

While amusing, I don't think it should be one of the funniest

 

Hitler: I have a dog with no nose...

Nazis: How does he smell?

Hitler: Awful!