jokes

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail
with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, and
extremely sexy middle-aged man entered.

He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes
off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare
and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring,
he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition."

(There are always conditions!) Flabbergasted, the woman asked
what the condition was.

The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do
in just three words." (controlling huh?)

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly
removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's
hand along with her address.

She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said....









"Clean my house."

 

Two sausages were cooking in a frying pan.

One rolled over and said "Holy crap, it's really hot in here."

The other rolled over and said " HOLY CRAP!!! A TALKING SAUSAGE."



I love that one.

 

Ok, so the math is a bit skewed on this...


Why Math is taught in School
(Written By A Very Wise Man)

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out of his window and "flipped" the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I
figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass
every day. Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as
dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females
have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off? ....... I think not

 

hmmmm........ ?

(Shakes head)

That's it........ no more dating for me.

 

you date?

You know I'm kidding, okay stop looking at me like that.

 

Mary, that is so awesome!! I'm printing that up and sticking it in my thoughts book

 

girl, what are you doing up that early? ?

 

A note on the lead a cow upstairs, but impossible to lead it down:

In 1997, the senior class of Lexington Christian Academy (Where I graduated from in 1999) decided that, for their senior prank, they were going to steal a cow from the nearby Wilson Farms and place it somewhere in the school. SOme brilliant person thought it would be good to put it in the upstairs hallway. So, we came in to school, headed up for science or Spanish classes, and there was this very distraught cow using the hallway as its own litterbox and blocking all traffic into or out of the science, language, and library rooms. Those were moved into the gym while the school tried to figure out what to do with the cow, because it would not go downstairs and it didn't fit in the elevator. Finally, they had to get a guy from Wilson Farms to come and blindfold the cow, then tricked the cow into coming downstairs.

My one brush with agriculture.

 

Okay. Gather 'round the fire and lend me your ears. Stop me if you've heard this one. I'm going to make this one a bit epic:

There was a once a commander, a captain who sailed the seven seas and legend had it that he feared no man and he feared no army.

One day while standing on the bow of his ship admiring the sunset, a sailor on the crow's nest yelled, "pirates!". Quickly approaching the captain's mighty vessel, the pirates sneered in anticipation of their potential conquest. The captain boldly stepped to the aft section of his ship and with a sparkle in his eye and a sneer on his lips he yelled, "Man your stations! Prepare for battle! Leftenant, bring me my red shirt!"

The battle was fierce and the sailors were outnumbered 2 to 1 but the crew, ennobled by their brave captain pressed on in defense of their ship. The captain, with both swords drawn pressed deeper into the thick of the battle cleaving arm after arm of pirates and would-be pillagers. Finally the pirates had retreated in defeat. "Horray!" exclaimed the sailors and below, while they dined, one sailor, who was new, asked why the captain wore a red shirt to battle. "Because the captain does not want his men to see him bleed from wounds inflicted, thus appearing strong and invincible. It boosts morale to the crew and dread to the attackers.

The next day while the crew made repairs to the ship, the lookout on the crow's nest yelled, "Pirates!" This time their numbers were tripled and vengeance was in their eyes. The captain with a smile on his face yelled, "Man your stations, prepare for battle, Leftenant, bring me my red shirt!" The fray ensued and pirates lives were lost and the pirates fled once again in terror. The captain with both swords drawn laughed and spat in their direction. The sailors, weary, still cheered their captain for saving them from what seemed an inevitable defeat.

The next day while the crew continued repairs to the ship, the lookout on the crow's nest yelled in sheer terror. "Pirates! Pirates all around!" The captain stepped up to the bow and surveyed the area. This time on the horizon were a hundred ships. With steel eyes he glared and stood unflinching. The sailors, in anticipation, awaited orders. The Leftenant, breaking the silenced asked, "Captain, shall I bring you your red shirt?"

Without batting an eyelash the captain replied, "Bring me my brown pants!"

 

LOL!

Here's one:

A priest died and was ushered into heaven to receive his eternal reward. St. Peter took him down the street to a small shack with dirt floors and no grass in the front yard. The priest, being the humble guy that he was, surmised that this was the reward for the Lord's work and accepted it.

That is, until he walked St. Peter to the door and saw a cab driver being shown a three-story mansion with an outdoor swimming pool and tennis courts. Puzzled and a little dismayed, he turned to St. Peter and asked, "I don't understand. I devoted my whole life to God's work and I got a shack and this cab driver got a mansion?"

St. Peter just grinned and said, "WHile you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed."

 

Ishtar, that is the very same reason why I'm getting a mansion when I get to heaven....I make corners fun!!

 

I love jokes.

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

''Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated.''

''Great,'' says the man. ''But what's the gun for?''

''In case I fall down instead of the gorilla ? shoot the dog.''

_______________________________________________________

Two guys were walking their dogs and came across a bar. Since they were hot and tired from walking the dogs they decided to go in and have a drink. Unfortunately, the bar didn't allow dogs. There was no place to safely secure the dogs, so they started thinking of ideas to get in the bar. Then one of the guys had an idea.

"Just watch me and follow my lead," he said.

He walked into the bar with his dog and the bartender stopped and said to him, "I'm sorry but I can't let you in here."

The guy looked at the bartender and asked, "Why not?"

The bartender replied, "Well, we don't allow dogs into the bar."

"But this is my seeing eye dog," the guy said.

"Oh, I'm sorry sir come on in, and by the way, nice golden retriever."

The guy went into the bar and the second guy walked in with his dog. The bartender stopped him and told him he can't let him in. When asked why not the bartender replied that you cannot have dogs in his bar.

"But this is my seeing eye dog," said the second guy.

The bartender looked at the man and then looked at the dog. After a while he said, "Sir, ah? um? a Chihuahua?"

The man looked a little puzzled and then said, "What? They gave me a Chihuahua?"

_____________________________________________________

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.

"You know," Mom said, "it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie, still crying, said, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

 

LMAO ^^^

What would God want with a dead dog...oh, that is classic.

ok, here is a joke for you:

Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend.

 

Funniest Joke ever: Riley. Hahahaha!

A man who can't poke fun of himself is....well, he's not me.