Lord of the Rings FF Sweden style

LORD OF THE RINGS: FF SWEDEN STYLE


Book 1 - The Fellowship of the Ring


Many years passed in Outer Rim and Lynxo spent his time as all hobbits do: eating and drinking and sleeping. One late afternoon, Lynxo was raised from his bed by a rap at the door. It was an unusually harsh rap by Eminem so Lynxo hurried to see who it was making such a noise.

Lynxo opened the door to a grizzled figure in a tall felt hat. It was Zaphod the wizard.

"Zaphod, is it really you?" cried Lynxo in delight, bordering on disgust.

"Do not put on the ring!" warned Zaphod.
"I was not going to", replied Lynxo.

Zaphod appeared pale and wan.
"You are carrying the One Ring. It comes from the land of Ewok Village and was created by the hideous evil nerf herder, the Dark Lord Vader. It will kill you and suck out your soul."

"AIIEE!" said Lynxo, "I shall give it to you."

"Yes, thanks a bunch. But rather you should take it to those who dwell in that magical place, Alderaan. They will know what to do with it", lied Zaphod.
Turning to the window with lightning reflexes Zaphod thrust his body through it and grasped the arm of a small hobbit.

"Aha!" cried Zaphod as he tried to pull the small creature through the now broken window, "How much have you heard?"

"Nothing at all Mister Zaphod, except all those things you said."

"Obi Anne", laughed Lynxo as Zaphod mangled Obi Anne's arm, "What are you doing?"

"Begging your pardon Mr. Lynxo sir, I didn't mean any harm by it", whimpered Obi Anne, "I haven't told anyone else and I would dearly love to see Alderaan."

Zaphod gave Obi Anne's arm one last tickle and said "Then you at least shall accompany Lynxo, as shall emilsson and Queengoddess who are also outside."

"You complete nerf herderhead, Obi Anne!" laughed emilsson and Queengoddess unmerrily.

Lynxo, Obi Anne, Queengoddess and emilsson began the journey to Alderaan. Zaphod had to go and speak to the boss wizard, Lars_Muul and so would meet the hobbits later. He left them with a cautionary warning.
"Avoid using the road and do not, whatever you do, go anywhere near the barrow downs."

On the barrow downs, the hobbits were looking for shelter from the dark.
"Let's go in this tomb", said Queengoddess.
They all agreed that this was a good idea and got attacked by barrow wights.

Just as the hobbits were about to have their arms removed by the undead fiends, a door of light opened out of nowhere and out popped a gaily-dressed man. He began to sing:

I am Tom Bombanerf herdero
You naughty barrow wights
I'll cordwangle-o your nadgers-o
On a cold and frosty night
Twangdillo gorillo brillo padillo

The hobbits all lost consciousness at hearing this glorious song that spoke of the eternal power of nature. They awoke next day in the sunshine. The barrow wights were nowhere to be seen and neither was Tom Bombanerf herdero. Fortunately.
"Let's get on the road where it's safe", said Queengoddess.

Zaphod arrived at the tower of Lars_Muul the White, the boss wizard.
"There is evil afoot!" said Zaphod, "There are tidings of badness and stirrings from Ewok Village that cause my arm to stand on end."

"So I see", said Lars_Muul. "But enough of such things. I have become evil. Where is the ring?"
Lars_Muul parted his robes.
"For I have become Lars_Muul OF MANY COLOURS!"

"What is this?" cried Zaphod, aghast at the naked form of Lars_Muul beneath his robes.

"Oh what a nerf herder, I forgot to put my many-coloured robes on", said Lars_Muul, quickly replacing his cloak. "Now get to your room on top of my tower, and don't come out until you decide to tell me where the ring is."

I hope the hobbits are alright thought Zaphod. Just as long as they've avoided the road.

On the road, the hobbits were hiding from a dark rider. It was one of the dark Trekkies from Ewok Village.
"Do not put on the ring", warned emilsson.
"I was not going to", said Lynxo and the black rider buggered off.

Soon the hobbits arrived at The Tickleing Nerf Herder, an Inn for

 

Jag har hittat en annan kul:


The Fellowship of the Ring in two minutes


Frodo: Hi, Gandalf!
Gandalf: Bilbo, give him your ring.
Bilbo: Okay. Bye!
Gandalf: See you at the pub, Frodo.

Frodo: Doo-de-do.
Nazgul: Boo!
Frodo: Eeeek!
Merry: (pops up out of nowhere) Eeeek!
Pippin: (ditto) Eeeek!
Sam: Ha ha, can't catch us now!

Tom Bombadil: Hello little friends!
Frodo: No time for you, weirdo.
Tom Bombadil: (disappears)

Saruman: See, all I had to do was cross out "Good" on my business cards and write "Bad," and I'm all set.
Gandalf: I never saw /that/ coming.
Saruman: Excuse me while I tend to my vast army of evil orcs and war machinery which were in plain sight.
Gandalf: Alas, if only he had imprisoned me at the top of a high tower without walls or ceiling so that he could not prevent a giant eagle from rescuing me, instead of in the canonical dungeon deep underground. Oh, wait.

Frodo: (whispering) Keep a low profile.
Pippin: (loudly) And don't mention your real name, right?
Merry: (loudly) Or the ring either, right?
Strider: Right. Don't mention the ring. (laughs) It's okay, I'll save you.

Pippin: (whining) Are we there yet?
Nazgul: Bwa ha ha ha. Give us the ring, little worm.
Frodo: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names-
Sam: Hmm, looks like swords work too.
Strider: Go away, bad men!
Nazgul: The five of us must flee, for we are outnumbered by this one Ranger!

Frodo: Wow, we're in Rivendell!
Merry: That was easy.
Pippin: Don't knock it.
Sam: Elves are cool!
Elrond: Get the hell out of my place, I don't need trouble.
Gimli: You can't throw them out while I'm here!
Legolas: Same for me!
Elrond: Right, all of you bugger off now.
Gandalf: But I just got here.
Boromir: I'll just invite myself along. No real reason. Certainly not because I have larceny on my mind. Nope.
Strider: Look, they fixed my sword! (swish) Wheeeee!

Frodo: Such beautiful scenery. The green grass and leaves are so-
[THUD]
Pippin: Where the hell did all this snow come from?
Gandalf: Don't blame me. Who knew that mountains could be cold on top?
Gimli: Told you we should go through the mines.
Strider: Let the dwarf have his way.
Legolas: Fine, whatever, just open the door.
Gimli: Ummm, I have no idea how to get inside.
Boromir: What a bunch of dicks.
Gandalf: Of course! (applies C4 to the problem) [POOF]
Sam: Such magic.

Merry: Ooooo, dead dwarf over here!
Gimli: Boo hoo.
Pippin: HEY MONSTERS, COME AND GET US!!
Gandalf: Twit.
Orcs: Oh good, we were getting hungry. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to keep an army fed in these abandonded mines?
Boromir: (Slash)
Legolas: (Pfft)
Gimli: (Whack)
Orcs: This is definitely putting a damper on our relationship.
Frodo: Ouch!
Strider: Alas, the Ring-bearer has perished! Our quest has failed!
Frodo: Just kidding. I did the slide-blade-between-arm-and-chest trick while I was standing in profile to y'all. Pretty funny, eh?
Balrog: Dammit, I was sound asleep. That really ticks me off.
Gandalf: We are so doomed.
Strider: Not if we run away! (does so)
Boromir: First good idea you've had. (follows)
hobbits: (already in the lead)
Gandalf: (trailing) It matters not! You cannot outrun the demon!
Legolas: We don't have to . . .
Gimli: . . . we just have to outrun *you*.
Balrog: Your *** is mine, wizard. (drags Gandalf down with him)
Strider: Woe is upon our company, that Gandalf has fallen!
Frodo: I'm over it.
Sam: Yeah, let's go, there's no food here.

Legolas: Wondrous are these woods!
Gimli: And full of cutthroat elves.
Celeborn: We were told of your coming. Well, "warned" is more accurate.
Galadriel: I know you better than you know yourselves.
Sam: You've got nothing better to do with your time?
Galadriel: Wake up, Frodo, and look in the mirror.
Frodo: Geez, can't a guy get some sleep around here? What mirror are you babbling about, there's just this birdbath full of water.
Galadriel: But it shows magic pictures of things

 

Lol.

The noble end of Zaphod the Grey!

 

Jag tycker om Lynx engagemang! Det livar liksom upp stämningen!

 

Snyggt jobbat

Så du har så pass mycket tid över att du hinner med att skriva ihop det roligaste jag läst på länge ???
Började tro att det var en myt att du hade tid över efter ditt hårda pluggande

 

Och jag är fortfarande en värdelös skit

Jag borde vara Frodo eller Bilbo, jag fyller faktiskt år samma dag som dom...

 

De är riktigt fina och QQ borde vara glad för att hon äntligen får vara Galadriel.

 

känner mig ganska hemma i rollen som Gimli..och så värst lång är jag ju inte heller...

 

Jag vill bara påpeka för näsvisa personer, att det var Lynx som först castade mig som Galadriel.
Jag hade inte sagt så mycket som 'magisk spegel' i frågan innan det.

Nu måste jag ju leva upp till detta förtroende!

Vilket (fråga inte) fick mig att tänka på enter. Vilket gjorde mig glad!

 

Mitt minne sviker mig och jag orkar inte omläsa det hela, Vem blev Arwen?

 

Ingen! Hon är, begripligt nog, inte med i några av versionerna...

Men vi kommer ju alla ihåg vem som var den något slak-vristade Legolas...!

 

Jag har hittat ytterligare bevis för att Wolvie verkligen är Legolas... Följande är ett utdrag ur "The very secret diary of Peregrin Took":

DAY 14
Gandalf dead. Everyone morose. In attempt to cheer up Fellowship, Legolas performed scenes from Silmarillion: The Musical. Everyone still morose. Legolas ponced off to have 3,000-year-old elf prince sulk.

[face_shocked]

Told you so!!!

 

Visst var det någon här som ville ha länken till LEGO versionen av LOTR? Here you go: LEGO LOTR

 

Jag vill ju också vara med i storyn.
Vad vill du ha LYNX för att skriva in elaka mig i rollen som Saruman eller Sauron ???
En muffins kanske ???

 

Perfekt! Här har vi en lämplig kandidat till Arwen!

 

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

 

"The very secret diary of Peregrin Took." vad är det?? ?

 

"The very secret diaries" är en fan-fic skrivet av en tjej som heter Cassandra Claire. Det är helt enkelt utdrag ur olika LOTR karaktärers hemliga dagböcker under resan. Lite kinky på sina ställen, men mycket roligt.

 

På allmän begäran: The very secret diaries!!!
(den lite censurerade versionen så att det är ok på JC...)


**********


The Very Secret Diary of ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN


DAY 1
Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good.
Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it.
Still not King.

DAY 4
Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying.
Not King yet.

DAY 6
Orcs killed: none. Disappointing.
Stubble update: I look rugged and manly. Yes!
Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back.
Still not King.

DAY 10
Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria. Big Balrog.
Not King today either.

DAY 11
Orcs killed: 7. V. good.
Stubble update: Looking mangy.
Legolas may be hotter than me. I wonder if he would like me if I was King?

DAY 28
Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I make a move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off.
Still not King.

DAY 30
In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench.
Nice chat with Boromir. He?s not so bad. Took a shower. Yay!
But still not King.

DAY 32
Orcs killed: none.
Stubble update: subtly hairy.
Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind.
Nope, not King.

DAY 33
Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V. good.
Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. RIP Boromir.
Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. Might however have been blood loss.

DAY 34
Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him. Why?
Still not King, goddammit.


**********


The Very Secret Diary of LEGOLAS SON OF WEENUS
*dedicated to Emily for her fearless defense of Elijah*


DAY 1
Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there. Agreed to follow some tiny little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano. Very important mission - gold ring so tacky.

DAY 4
Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner plate all the time? Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy humans who cannot walk on snow insisted we climb back down.
Am definitely prettiest member of the Fellowship. Go me!

DAY 6
Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly. Am very afraid I am developing a tangle.
Orcs so silly.
Still the prettiest.

DAY 10
Gandalf fell into shadow. In other news, I think I am developing a spot on my nose. V. serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last for 500 years or more.
Still prettiest, despite blasted spot.

DAY 11
In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than me. Also, am quite sure she copied my hairstyle. I was wearing that same look at least 1,000 years ago. Silly bint. She was most annoyed that I used her mirrored fountain to take a nice bubble bath. I choose to ignore her claim that my hair clogged her drain. Not one strand of my hair has fallen out in 800 years, why would it start now?
Still prettiest by far.

DAY 30
All this paddling about in boats is hell on my complexion.
Aragorn obviously starting to find Frodo strangely attractive. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Still the prettiest.

DAY 33
Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as I already have everything I want i.e. perfect hair.
Have been getting very strange letters from someone calling herself "Stacey". Fortunately have super-duper elf vision so can run away if I see her coming.

DAY 35
Boromir dead. Very messy death, most uncessesary. Did get kissed by Aragorn as he expired. Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows around here to get any action? Boromir definitely not prettier than me. Cannot understand it. Am feeling a pout coming on.
Frodo off to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men caring about each other, rather cute really.
Am quite sure Gimli fancies me. So unfair. He is waist height, so can see advantages there, but chunky braids and big helmet most of

 

Sam will kill him if he tries anything! ...

 

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOL!!

 

Orkade inte läsa riktigt alla. Men jag måste säga att Boromir och Aragorn vvar det roligaste jag läst på länge.

 

Rätta mig om jag har fel, men LOTR har väl som tema hurusom alla oemotståndligen dras till Ringen, och drabbas av en lust att bli onda värlshärskare...

Inte hur alla drabbas av en lust till varandra...!