Story [Multi-Fandom] The Count's Drabbles (12/30: "Ancillary Intervention Services" (Community))

I've never seen Monopoly fanfic.

 

All the more reason for me to have done one.

Title: Like a Sore Thumb
Fandom: James Bond


Bond glanced casually around the gallery, immediately noticing where the other two agents had taken up positions. "You're supposed to be visitors, not security guards," he hissed. "At least try to look like you're looking at the paintings. And Granston, stop putting your hand up to your ear!"

"I can't help it, Bond. I think it's infected. It's all red and puffy, and there's some kind of yellow pus seeping out through the skin. That can't be good, can it?"

"Well, leave it alone," Bond ordered. "And that goes for your nose, too."

"Why, what's the matter with my nose?"

 

Title: The Cutest Thing Ever
Fandom: Angel


Fred turned the computer monitor around so the others could see the kitten video she was watching. "Isn't this the cutest thing you ever saw?"

Angel shrugged. "Not really. Have you ever seen a baby Vregos demon? Now that's just about the cutest thing ever."

"I'm surprised," Wesley said, "that you didn't say a Paande spawnling."

"Don't get me wrong. Paande spawnlings are pretty cute, but they're overrated. They release pheromones that make them seem much cuter than they really are, trust me. For raw, unenhanced cuteness, it has to be the Vregos."

Fred muttered, "Well, I like the kittens."

 

Title: Of Mace and Men
Fandom: How I Met Your Mother


"That is so cool!" Marshall gushed. "Can I try it out? You gotta let me try it out!"

In unison, Barney and Lily shouted, "No!"

Lily added, "Barney, why do you keep a mace in your bathroom, anyway?"

"Not enough space in the kitchen."

"Why can't I?" Marshall moaned.

"Because you'll break something," Barney explained. "The only thing worse than you breaking something of mine would be you breaking something of yours."

"I didn't know you cared," Marshall said.

Barney continued, "Because if you broke anything of yours, then your wife would break several things of mine."

Lily nodded. "Yep."

 

Title: Puppy Power
Fandom: Firefly


Mal watched the tiny cartoon dog dance across the screen and winced. "Yes, Kaylee, I'm sure it's all very nice, but I have to wonder if you've forgotten that we aren't exactly operating within the strict letter of the law here or even a loose one. We're smugglers and thieves and sometimes even worse, on top of which we're harboring fugitives. That means we gotta keep a low profile.

"And that means," he explained, "that you have to stop posting these photos of all of us to your JiffyPic corepage, no matter how many fake online puppies they offer you."

 

I can see Kaylee doing that

 

Thanks.

Title: Stainless Steel
Fandom: Sapphire & Steel


"I think we should be safe now," Sapphire called out. The others all stopped and turned around to look back as the cabin writhed in the time eddy. Seconds later, it shattered and exploded, showering the area with debris and thick mud.

Sapphire and Steel quietly sidestepped half a second out of phase with reality, just enough for the mud to pass harmlessly through them. The humans, though, weren't so lucky; most were covered from head to toe. And then they noticed.

"What?" someone gasped.

"How?" another uttered.

Steel glared. "It was merely a stroke of good luck," he snapped.

 

Title: Supermarket Creep
Fandom: Talespin


"What," Baloo wondered, "is he doing here?"

Kit followed his gaze up the aisle to where Don Karnage loitered beside an overflowing cart. "Pirates need to eat too, you know. Let's just leave it, Papa Bear. If we don't get everything on Rebecca's list, she'll have our-"

Baloo was already approaching Karnage. "Hey, Don, fancy seein' you here," he said.

"Ah, hello! What an unbelievable coinciding! I am just shopping and not at all stealing! And you? You are feeling good, yesno?"

Baloo looked at Karnage's groceries and asked, "So which of your pirates is needing the feminine hygiene products?"

 

Title: One for the Chipper
Fandom: James Bond


"What part of 'We need Mr. Childs alive at all costs,' did you not understand, 007?" yelled M.

Bond shrugged. "I did try, sir."

"Yes, I'm sure you did. And I'd be eager to learn just where it fit into your strategy to feed Mr. Childs through a wood chipper."

"I was busy trying to avoid getting pushed into it myself," Bond said.

"Perhaps next time," M suggested, "you should do the decent thing and let him kill you."

As Bond left M's office, Miss Moneypenny asked, "James, do you know why M has requisitioned a wood chipper?"

"No idea."

 

Title: Homeland Insecurity
Fandom: Office Space


Heads popped up from cubicles as the two Homeland Security agents stepped into the office and removed their sunglasses. One announced, "We're here to speak to Samir Nagheenanajar."

Before Samir could respond, Mike yelled, "Why do you want to see Samir? This is illegal racial profiling!"

"It's okay, Mike," Samir said.

"No, it's not okay! They can't keep-"

"Mike?" the second agent interrupted. "That wouldn't happen to be Mike Bolton, would it?"

"Uh, maybe." Mike started sinking back into his cubicle.

The agent consulted his notes. "You also worked at Initech with Milton Waddams. We'll be speaking with you next."

 

Title: The Clap
Fandom: Seinfeld


"George, you idiot, why would you break up with Dina?" Jerry yelled. "She seemed perfect, definitely too good for you."

George leaned across the table. "It was the way she clapped, Jerry! It was like a seal begging for a fish!"

"You dumped her for that?" Jerry scoffed.

"Like a seal, Jerry!" He demonstrated, holding his hands flat, fingers pointing upward. As Elaine entered Monk's, he asked her, "Would you date a guy who clapped like this?"

She shuddered. "Ick, no. But to be fair, George, everyone knows it's much worse when a man does it."

"Much worse," Jerry agreed.

 

Title: The Forgotten Forgotten
Fandom: Danger Mouse


Even as the rocket left the Earth's atmosphere, Penfold continued to fret. "Oh crumbs."

"What is it this time?" Danger Mouse asked.

"That's the problem," Penfold explained. "I'm sure I've forgotten to do something, but I can't remember what it was."

"Perhaps that's just it. You forgot about forgetting what you think you forgot."

Penfold shook his head. "Did I leave the kettle on?"

Danger glanced back at the planet receding farther and farther into the distance. "I'm sure it'll be fine, Penfold," he said.

Just then, the Earth exploded. "I'm sure that had nothing to do with your kettle."

 

Title: A Little Light Cannibalism
Fandom: Better Off Ted


"Sometimes you just have to stick by your principles and take a stand."

* * *

"Veronica," Ted explained, "we can't hold a lunch meeting at Le Ravin Rouge, not after what happened the last time."

"Please, it was just a little light cannibalism," she scoffed.

He said, "There's no such thing as light cannibalism."

"Of course there is. Everybody does it all the time. Did you know that, by law, chocolate is allowed to be up to ten percent human body parts? That's a fact."

"I'm almost positive you just made that up," he insisted. "Well, I'm definitely pretty sure. I think."

 

When I wrote this back in December, I'd either forgotten (or just completely missed hearing) that Psych was doing one of these this season. I've no idea if the real one will be anything like this or not.


Title: Hello, Shawny!
Fandom: Psych


"We can't take this case!" Gus insisted.

Shawn asked, "Didn't you hear what Didi said?"

"That's just it. She didn't say anything. She sang it to us, and we sang back."

"Awesomely."

"You know that's right," Gus agreed. "But we're fantastic singers. This thing was full Broadway musical. What if we take this case, and it keeps happening?"

"Not seeing the problem," Shawn said. "Again, awesome."

"And if it's not just us? If everyone around us starts singing? You know some of them couldn't carry a tune if it came with handles."

Shawn grinned. "Then we're definitely taking the case!"

 

Title: The Cougar's Claws
Fandom: 24


Kim Bauer tried not to look back at the corpse as she explained again what had happened. "When I told her to leave my boyfriend alone, she became psychotic. She tried to scratch my eyes out."

"And you had to defend yourself." The officer glanced through his notes. "Is he often sexually harassed by older women?"

"Not like this," she answered. "What are you implying?"

"Nothing, Miss Bauer, just curious if you've ever had to fight off cougars before."

She considered. "Once, up in the mountains, I- oh. Sorry, I thought you were talking about something else for a second."

 

Title: The Future of Music
Fandom: Sapphire & Steel


"What," Steel demanded, "is that noise?"

Sapphire tutted gently. "That's music, Steel."

"I'll take your word for that. Whatever it is," he said, taking in their surroundings, "it's an anachronism, isn't it?"

She nodded. "Definitely. This neighbourhood's in the post-war boom of the late 1940s, but the music's from much later. Except..."

"Except what?"

"I'm not sensing anything anomalous," she explained.

They followed the sound to a nearby garage; as they approached, the sound stopped. "Sorry," a man said. "I was playing around with my new electric drill. The noise didn't bother you, did it?"

Steel turned to Sapphire. "Music?"

 

Title: Assembling the Avengers
Fandom: Castle


"Oh, come on," Beckett scoffed, "I'm totally the Steed of this relationship."

"How do you figure?" Castle asked.

"For starters, he was the one with official standing," she explained. "Peel was only ever the talented amateur. Sound familiar?"

"But you're forgetting the most important part: the catsuit."

"That's what this is really all about, isn't it?" Beckett wondered.

"Of course."

Esposito came over. "What what's all about?"

"Dressing as the Avengers for Halloween," Castle explained.

"I want to be Thor."

"Wrong Avengers," Beckett said.

"Actually," Castle considered, "same catsuit, add a wig. I could definitely see you as a redhead."

 

Those guys as the Avengers would be AMAZING

 

Thanks.

Title: Sorry, Charlie
Fandom: Burn Notice


There are two things you need to remember about making tuna casserole. The first is that, generally speaking, it's not the sort of thing people will kill each other over. So if you're making a casserole, and someone tries to take your life, it's probably about something completely unrelated.

The second is that, every once in a great while, it really is all about the tuna casserole.

* * *

"Michael," his mother said, "don't treat me like I'm an idiot. These men weren't shooting up my kitchen because of some casserole. What nonsense are you getting me mixed up in this time?"

 

Title: The Tonsorial Teleporter
Fandom: Star Trek: The Next Generation


Seconds after Chief O'Brien had reported that the Away Team had beamed down to the planet, Commander Riker's voice announced, "Away Team to Bridge."

"Is everything all right down there, Number One?" Captain Picard asked.

"Not exactly, Captain," Riker said. "It's nothing critical, but you may want to have the Chief check the transporter systems before we return."

"What's the matter?"

"Commander Worf and I no longer have our beards," Riker explained.

Picard nodded. "I can see how that might be disconcerting."

"Not half as disconcerting," Riker continued, "as for Doctor Crusher and Counselor Troi, who now have them instead."

 

Title: UNIT Dating
Fandom: The Sarah Jane Adventures
Set during (or after) "Death of the Doctor"


Jo sipped at her tea. "You know what I miss most about my UNIT days? So many hot young men!"

"You dated Mike Yates, didn't you?" Sarah Jane wondered.

"On and off over a couple years." She asked, "Did you and he ever?"

"Me and Mike? No."

Jo leaned over the table and whispered, "Can I let you in on a little secret? I once slept with Bill Filer."

Sarah Jane nearly choked on her coffee. "As in CIA director William Filer? Do any of your anti-establishment friends know about that one?"

"Are you kidding? I never even told Cliff!"

 

Title: Gotta Have a Gimmick
Fandom: Green Arrow


"Hey, Archer!" the thug yelled from behind his cover. "Got a question for ya!"

Ollie, safely behind his own cover, held off firing his next arrow. "What?"

"Why do you do it, man? I mean, with the arrow thing! Ya know that everybody says you're just a gimmicky version of Batman, right?"

"That's funny. I always thought," Ollie said, "that Batman was the gimmicky version of Batman."

The thug laughed. "Ya got a point there! But doesn't it rankle you?"

Ollie fired into the ceiling above the thug's hiding spot. Seconds later, the section fell, knocking the man unconscious. "Kinda."

 

Title: Boxtop Rocket
Fandom: ALF


"Lost?" Willie yelled. "Lost? What do you mean, we're lost? "How can we be lost?" As his panic grew, his whole body began trembling. "How lost are we? Are we like 'Hold on a second while I get my bearings' lost, or 'We're going to die in the cold depths of space in a cheap plastic rocket built by a cereal company!' lost?"

ALF slapped him across the face. "William Ezekiel Tanner! Pull yourself together, man!" he snapped. Pointing out the viewport, he added, "Look, we're somewhere over Madagascar."

Willie rubbed his face and muttered, "My middle name's not Ezekiel."

 

Title: All at Sea
Fandom: The Avengers

The pirate captain caught Steed's sword in his hook and twisted, pulling it out of Steed's grasp. "Arr, lubber," he hissed. "Now you die."

He raised his own cutlass and lunged, but Steed stepped back, raised his umbrella and used the same trick himself, hooking the pirate's blade and yanking it away. "Arr, yourself." He flipped the umbrella around and brought the end he'd been holding down on the pirate's head.

Emma, having just defeated the other seven pirates, climbed up to the poop deck to find Steed standing over the unconscious captain. "Having fun, Steed?"

"Aye aye, Mrs. Peel."

 

As you might be able to tell, I wrote this one back in December.

Title: The Gold Mayan
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer


Buffy rolled under the giant's sword and slammed the ceremonial dagger into his chest. Suddenly, he froze. From the wound outward, his whole body slowly turned back into solid gold. After a moment, the statue toppled forward.

"You've done it," Xander said. "Another apocalypse averted."

Buffy paused, confused. "Xander, something feels wrong. Wasn't the Mayan Apocalypse supposed to be next Friday?"

"Are you complaining that we stopped it too early?" Xander asked. "Because if you want, we can just go back and pull the dagger out and just tell the guy to come back in a week and a half."