FF:VIC Super man, Its not Easy

Question: Why should you always comb your hair before you go to bed?

Answer: To make a good impression on your pillow.

Boss: Jones, how long have you been working here?

Jones: Ever since I heard you coming down the hall.

Did you hear about the 2 peanuts walking down a dark alley? One was a salted.

 

How do you mend a jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch.

How do you know when the moon is going broke?
When it's down to its last quarter.

What do you call a white, poofy space alien?
Martianmallow.

 

Q:What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?
A:A receding hare-line.

Q:How do librarians file melted marshmallows?
A:According to the Gooey Decimal System.

Q:Why did the librarian slip and fall on the library floor?
A:Because she was in the non-friction section.

 

A guy walked into a bar with his giraffe. He ordered a drink, and the giraffe lay down beside him. The bartender barked angrily, "Excuse me, but you can't leave that lying there!"

"Err," the man said, "It's not a lion. It's a giraffe."

Q:What lives in the sea and yells?
A clam shouter

 

Q:Why was the teacher cross-eyed?
A:He couldn't control his pupils.

Q:What's the difference between one yard and two yards?
A:A fence.

 

Why did the girl spray her clock?
It was full of ticks.

Why was the cat afraid of the tree?
Because of its bark.

Where do baby cows go to eat lunch?
At the calf-eteria.

 

Q:Where do ghosts live?
A:At the dead end.

Q:What did the tie say to the neck?
A:I think I'll just hang around.

Q:When is an outlaw neither left-handed nor right-handed?
A:When he's red-handed.

 

Why are fishmongers so mean?
Their job makes them selfish.


Bloke one : I`m getting fed up of my dog, it`ll chase anyone on a bike.
Bloke Two : What are you gonna do? Give it away? have it put down?
Bloke one : Nah - I`ll just get rid of his bike!


Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
So they don't get mistaken for feminists

 

Can we rename this "Mixo's dodgy spammy joke thread"?

 

I love to tell jokes

Q:What do you get if you dial 010 11 238 640397 239865 1207988?
A:A sore finger.


Q:Why did the indian call the cowboy pale-face?
A:Because he had a bucket shaped head!


Q:What do you call a septic cat?
Auss.

 

Q:What's pink and stands in the corner?
A:A naughty pig.

Bloke goes into the pub and says to the barman: 'i'll have a pint of bitter please' Barman replies: 'sorry we don't sell bitter here' Bloke says: 'well ok, i'll have a pint of guinness then' Barman answers: 'sorry we don't sell any ales, we've only got this new stuff called "rat"' Bloke says: 'ok i'll have a half of rat please' Barman takes a rat out from under the counter, chops it in half, puts the tail end in a glass and gives it to the bloke. Bloke says: 'i can't drink that!' Barman asks: 'why not?' Bloke replies: 'it's got no head on it.'

 

Q: Whats the difference between a camera and a sock?
A: You can only take photos with a camera.

Q: Do you know about the Company Director who got himself in to serious trouble for sacking all of his employees who had beards?
A: He got done for facial discrimination.

 

*groan*...

A man walks into a bar.

Then another man walks into a bar...which is odd, because you'd think he would have seen the first guy and ducked.

- Rani

 

I stole a futon from a shop. I think the police are after me, so I have been lying low.

I came home the other day to find my girlfriend dipping twenty dollar bills in batter and frying them. I said, "There you go again, frittering our money away!"

 

Q: What do you call a HUGGARD with a car?
A: A thief!

 

Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of Muesli?
He got sucked down by a strong currant.

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a goldfish?
A: Swimming trunks!

 

Q: What the difference between a Student and a Shopping Trolley?
A: A Shopping Trolley has a mind of it's own.

 

Q: If a vodka and orange juice is known as a screwdriver, what do you call vodka and prune juice?

A: A piledriver.

 

Q: What is the difference between a truck load of babies and a truck load of sand?

A: You can't unload sand with a pitchfork!

 

Q: What is green, small and sings "Rainbow Connection" at the bottom of your toilet bowl?

A: Kermit the BOG

 

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me...
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then ..........." he sighed, "let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

 

lol...

Mixo, I'm so proud...that last one was almost approaching humour.

 

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts. Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then west to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each day.

For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged. There was no sign of the missing men.

They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists, because they feared an international incident. They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach and, sure enough, found the remains of the Russian.

One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"

"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male."

 

OMG....that is sooooooooo bad it's almost funny.

 

Q: What's Irish and lies around in the sun all day?
A: Patty O'Furniture.