Spring, MO Random Humor... If it's funny, put it here.

Wow, its amazing how true this is.

 

No kidding!

 

11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men
and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so
they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were
all going to fall.
They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very
touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the
rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for
her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always
making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping
their hands.......

 

!

 

Grandma's Birth Control Pills

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night"
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.
"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks................................. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."


The year in review ~ from a Blonde

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February- Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
"duh"..... bottles won't fit in typewriter ! ! !

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
box/said "2-4 years !"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out ! ! !

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those
little packets ! ! !

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast-stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other
swimmers cheated, they used their arms ! ! !

August - Got locked out of car in rainstorm.....car swamped, because
top was down.

September - Lost a TV quiz show. The capital of California is
"C".....isn't it ? ? ?

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4-1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour Per
pound and I weigh 108 ! ! !

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button
on the phone ! ! !

WHEW... WHAT A YEAR !!!!!



The Accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
Morning; it's a bad one Both of their cars are totally demolished but
Amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So .... You're a
Man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God
That we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the
Rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this
Must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car
Is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. "Then
She hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
And then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and
Immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think
I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are evil.
Don't mess with them.

 

Missouri drivers

A Missouri State Trooper pulled a car over on I-55 about 2 miles
north of the MO/AR State line. When the Trooper asked the driver why
he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a
juggler and he was on his way to Sikeston to do a show that night
for a birthday party and didn't want to be late. The Trooper told
the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do
a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The
driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on
ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that
he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he
could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper
got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the
man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol
car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then
went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The
Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car,
opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause
there's no way I can pass that test."

 

Would you just SHUT IT!! That was LOW!

 

Like I said in the OTT last night, some things DO never change, eh Katy?

 

no kidding!

OKAY!!! I DO NOT WANT ANY HUMOR IN HERE THAT DIRECTLY INSULTS A PARTICULAR MEMBER OF THE BOARDS!!! If I find any cracks like this again, I'll tell an administrator!

 

We know.

Most of the "jokes" in here are "low" anyways.

 

I don't want any jokes that insult roughly 50% of the species. Particularly my half.

 

There's a big difference between jokes which are meant in good fun about men and or women, such as what has been posted in here before, and malicious attacks on a fellow poster just for you to get giggles. Learn that.

 

Heck, I don't even like the "jokes" against the women.

Here's a comic I thought appropriate for this...

[image=http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v202/ScottsPics/babyblues.jpg]

Sad.

"Good fun" is a point of view, btw... A few people have proven that here.

 

""Good fun" is a point of view, btw... A few people have proven that here."

Seems "good fun" and posts that are done in "good taste" is a matter of ones point of view.

BTW-Mods already new about that post..that day.

 

HA. . . Oh wait, why am I laughing. These aren't funny. Please let the world laugh again. Stupid serious stuff.

These funny faces might help.

 

AHHHHHHHHHHHH - I love the smell of drama in the morning!


But seriouly, a duck walks into a bar & orders two beers - and says "bartender, put this on my bill"


*rimshot*


Thanks - I'll be here all week. Try the veal.

 

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

Hugely embarrassed by now, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and was still unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

 

now that was funny!!

I actually saw a girl on a recent plane trip do that---yell at a nice guy...not unzip ....whatever. She was about to open the over head bin. This guy tapped her and said.."be careful everything is jamed in there and you will get a suitcase on your head if you open that one." She turned around and yelled at him for "hitting" her. Sometimes it doesn't pay to be a nice guy.

 

That was funny!

 

A GUY GOES TO A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICES A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE WAVE AT HIM AND SAYS HELLO.

HE'S RATHER TAKEN BACK, BECAUSE HE CAN'T PLACE WHERE HE KNOWS HER
FROM, SO HE SAYS, "DO YOU KNOW ME?" TO WHICH SHE REPLIES, "I
THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS."

NOW HE THINKS BACK TO THE ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL TO HIS
WIFE AND SAYS, "MY GOD, ARE YOU THE STRIPPER FROM MY BACHELOR
PARTY THAT I HAD SEX ON THE POOL TABLE WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING, WHILE
YOUR PARTNER WHIPPED ME WITH WET CELERY AND THEN PUT A DIAPER ON ME?"







SHE SAID, "NO, I'M YOUR SON'S MATH TEACHER".

 

Nice

 

well... so much for sleeping tonight... ^^;

 

::::This one is from my dad:::

The Guys' Rules

We always hear"the rules"from the female point of
view...
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!

1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't
hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
3. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
4. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
5. Crying is blackmail.
6. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say
it!
7. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
8. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
9. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
11. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us
to act like soap opera guys.
12. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
13. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
14. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
15. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
16. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
17. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.
18. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.
19. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.
20. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
21. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is
fine...Really.
22. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
23. You have enough clothes.
24. You have too many shoes.
25. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!