JCC The Fecal Force

aw shucks, poopin' is just so fine!

 

It was gritty. Looked like it contained sand. Also, my anal o-ring isn't perfectly round, so the stringy mushy turd had a bit of a "ribbon" look to it.

I haven't crapped yet today, but my farts feel hot and they are creeping out on their own.

 

Today I dropped four almost perfectly spherical dense turds. Two of them floated and two of them sank. Not sure what to make of that.

 

The meaning depends on which order they came out in.

Evil.

 

Well how am I supposed to determine that?

 

Well I can normally tell if it's going to sink or float by the way it feels coming out.

Evil.

 

Last night I was sitting on my couch watching something crappy on TV, when I heard my wife shouting my name in a panic from the bathroom. So I got up, ran down the hall, opened the door, and saw my wife sitting on the toilet with a painful, grimaced look on her face. Tears began streaming down her cheeks, and she was crying but also trying not to laugh. She needed me to carefully help her off the seat and wipe her butt. I was happy to do so (nothing unusual about her feces or anus, unfortunately), then I flushed the toilet and we went into the living room to sit down so she could tell me what had happened.

Apparently she was taking a regular dump, and right before she lifted her butt cheek to wipe, she felt an urge to fart, so she pushed. This combination somehow pulled a large muscle on her back, giving her sharp pain all the way from her neck down to her pelvis, completely immobilizing her on the toilet. That's when she called for help.

She fell asleep fine last night after a back massage, but she woke up this morning in a lot of pain. She made an appointment to see her doctor today because it's not normal to throw your back out just by farting on the toilet. So after some X-rays, the doctor found that my wife actually had a broken bone in her neck! It was the same bone she broke around 15 years ago, but when she was taking a dump last night she strained her farting muscles hard enough to fracture (and actually break off) that piece of her spine.

I didn't think it was possible to squeeze so hard you break your neck. But now I know better.

 

That may be the most beautiful thing I've ever read.

 

Nice.

I drank my first eggnog and rum of the season the other night. The next morning I was on the toilet as soon as I woke up unloading about 3-4lbs of semi-hard feces into the toilet bowl. About an hour later when I was at work I unloaded what felt like another four pounds of soft serve.

Now that my eggnog cherry has been broken for the year, I doubt that I'll have any other irregular bowl movements from drinking this sweet nectar.

Evil.

 

I've taken 3 dumps today.

 

Most amazing dump ever just now. I ate an entire bag of corn yesterday for dinner (yes it was cooked). Just a few minutes ago I had the worst intestinal pains and decided to pop into the bathroom for a dump. It was like an explosion of corn out of my cornhole! Literally. Like my butthole turned into a microwave and was popping popcorn in my colon. It was so ridiculous. Oooh, I feel a second wave of popcorn butthole coming. Report back soon.

 

You should eat some nuts also

 

Well today's dump was soft, floating, and looked like a big rotting snake carcass. Kinda smelled like one too.

 

Today I woke up to piss blood.

 

You new you were gonna piss blood?

I barely got home from lunch with a huge turtlehead licking my ankle.

 

AIDS...or Kidney Stones...or a small tear in the urethra. The good news is that the body's own urine is sterile and won't exacerbate the situation. The bad news is that...well...you're pissing blood and that's probably bad.

 

I have discovered that Bud Light facilitates very loose bowel movements no matter what the food.

This past week and weekend I have had to drive 152 miles each day to and from Orlando to support projects. No big deal, I get paid extra for it. Trouble is I HATE all the other drivers on the road so badly. What do I want when I get back home? BEER! LOTS OF IT!

Then there is the following morning. Ugh. George Carlin was right. There are farts that can end a marriage. In my case I never got that far, I would let one go and she would puke and leave never to be seen again. I can't say I blame her(s) I would have left as well if it had not been my own place.

 

I took a dump at Barnes and Noble and Books a Million today.

 

Hey kids.

So I was challenged to describe the last dump I took using a movie title. I said, "True Grit" as my last dump was a scattering of shot-like pellets that left a brief but intense sting. I've been ill for the past week with a wicked cold/flu...not sure which.

So...

I pass this challenge on to you. Describe your last dump using a movie title.

 

The Green Mile

 

swamp thing

 

black snake moan

 

Ha ha! Excellent!

Today's dump was both preceeded and followed by some rather magnificent farts, so I'll describe it with the title "A Mighty Wind."