Saga The Frost on Hell's Door (Obi vignette)

Title ? The Frost on Hell's Door
Author ? Aunecah_Skywalker
Timeframe ? Right after RotJ.
Characters ? Obi-Wan Kenobi
Genre ? Angst
Keywords ? Death, hell, life, vignette.
Summary ? You should be happy when you are in the Force, so why isn't Obi-Wan Kenobi happy?
Notes ? I just wrote this because I'm sadistic to poor Obi-Wan. Thank the Force I'm not the Force or else life for my little Knight would be terrible indeed. And yes, for the first time, I'm writing something that is NOT AU. [face_shocked]

Feedback? ? Yes please!
Archive? ? Ask me first please.
Disclaimer ? I don't own Obi-Wan Kenobi or Star Wars ? ? but I do own my writing. Don't sue me, because I'm NOT making any money off this little piece.

Aunecah

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There is nothing but the Force in death. There is nothing but death in the Force. You weren't supposed to feel anything in the Force, or should I say that you were supposed to be feeling only the Light in the Force? Happiness, love, joy, ecstasy, dare I say more? So why am I not feeling any of those emotions?

I am feeling only the predominant emotions that had chased me around in my life and nightmares: fear, desperation, frustration, definitely not those worthy of a Jedi. I never dreamed in my life, you know. Only nightmares, occasionally night terrors. I can still remember waking up suddenly in the middle of the night, my heart pounding like a gigantic spring inside my chest, sweat running in rivers down my face, my eyes with horror as I tried to separate the dimension of my nightmares from that of reality. I lived more in nightmares than I lived in reality; with everything that has happened in my life, where else would I live? In LaLa land where everything is bright and sunny?

There is a blurred division between heaven and hell, a vague division to be sure but one that existed nevertheless. It isn't anything as simple as looking at two doors that were clearly marked as "heaven" and "hell" and going into the right one. You could be slipping into hell even though you are destined to go to the heaven, and you would never know until it is too late.

I will never know until it is too late because I don't know what heaven. Can you imagine, walking down a long road that is immersed in shadows and sorrow, only to be told that you aren't worthy enough to reach the light at the end of the tunnel by the person who is supposed to love you the most? That is pain. Can you imagine, watching him die and be told that a little boy who had come into his life less than a month ago is more important than you? That is torture. Can you imagine, slaving your life over to keep your promise to your master, and then realizing that you will be breaking that promise? That is guilt. Can you imagine, learning to love an apprentice you never wanted, and then have the apprentice slap you in the face? That is grief.

Where is happiness; there where I should have kneeled in the middle of the Council chamber, with my Master standing behind me, his eyes filled with proud tears as the Council promoted me to the ranks of a Jedi Knight? Where is love; there where my Master's warm hands should have draped a fluttering blanket over my shivering form as I contracted (inevitably) another deadly virus that would have been completely harmless in others? Where is joy; there where I should have stood beside my apprentice in the very same chamber as the Council pronounced that I am indeed a Master in not only name but in essence as well.

So you see, the Light is something I can only imagine. The Dark I know very well. It is hard to choose Light from the Dark when you don't know what is Light and what is Dark. It is even harder to choose Light from the Dark when you are living in the Dark and don't know what is Light.

I never deserved to live, truth to be told. After all the suffering I caused the galaxy, and who would dare argue with me on that point, it is only fitting t

 

Ooh I like...

poor Obi...

this isn't a one -shot is it?

I like all the dispair and the darkness...kinda like me and my calc. class

 

terribly terribly depressing. such a good look into sadness

 

Can you imagine, slaving your life over to keep your promise to your master, and then realizing that you will be breaking that promise? That is guilt. Can you imagine, learning to love an apprentice you never wanted, and then have the apprentice slap you in the face? That is grief.

Great style there, Aunecah. I loved it, though the unrelieved depression in every word was heartbreaking. That seems the way he must have felt, at some time, reflecting on a life of so much pain and disappointment.

Loved the title too.

Wonderful job!

 

"my master was right to throw me away for anakin."

poor obi!