Edmonton The ***Official*** Edmontooine Joke thread... come on in for a laugh!!!!

Loved the CIA one, I am that evil...

 

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.

Boy oh boy, did we go around!

Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end..so I just hung up and I haven't heard back. Guess I won that stupid argument!

 

Homer, a handsome dude, walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sits down next to a blonde lady at the bar and stares up at the TV.

The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a
man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looks at Homer and says, " Do you think he will jump?"
Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Homer placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a
swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to Homer and
said, "Here is your money."

Homer replies, " I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the
5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

 

Scientific reserch has recently revealed evidence that female hormones are present in beer. A group of men were given six pints of beer each, 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making any sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong.

 

FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of
yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at
the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes
out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the
answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for tails. Within half an hour she is
all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the
last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and
sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."

 

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

 

LMAO!!!!!

 

THE HORMONE WARNING:

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man
has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the
wallet of every husband!


DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate


DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate


DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my pay check.
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate


DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of pepsi with that?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate


DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Have some more chocolate.



And remember: Money talks.... But Chocolate sings

 

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new
>wives straight on their duties.
>
>The first man had married a woman from Pennsylvania.
>He bragged that he had told his wife to do all the dishes and clean the
>house. He said that it took her a couple of days, but on the third day he
>came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
>
>
>The second man had married a woman from Kentucky. He bragged that he had
>given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the
>cooking. He told the men that the first day he didn't see any results, but
>by the next day it was better, and on the third day, his house was clean,
>the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
>
>
>The third man had married a Canadian girl. He boasted that he told her his
>house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry
>folded. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he
>didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the
>third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out
>of his left eye!
>
>
>
>
>* Got to love us Canadian girls!
>

 

Heh!!!

 

LOL

 

LOL

 

i love it that's what my gran did she was the one who was the boss you have to keep your men in line hahahaha

 

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking,
sensitive man?

A: A rumor

 

Boo!

That's a lie and you know it.. I'm living proof!

 

LOL...that's awesome

 

rotfl at last two jokes.

...

 

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver,
"Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope,
"they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I can't let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be a little something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel, and quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, Dear God, I'm gonna lose my licence!", moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches,but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think you want to do that, he's really important and I mean really important!", says the cop.
The chief then asked, "Who ya got there... the Mayor?"
"Bigger."
"The Governor?"
"Bigger!"
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it???"
"I think it's GOD!" says the cop.
"What makes you think it's GOD?"
"He's got the Pope for a limo driver!!!"

 

A blonde, brunette and a redhead are about to go swimming, the brunette says "hey are there any alligators in these waters ?"
-the blonde wades in and says "no, I read about it last week when we were planning this trip, the aligator population around here was killed off by sharks!"

 

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband
stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

 

Two books are for sale. Which to buy?

"Titanic" or "My Life" by Bill Clinton?

Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist
Clinton: Bill is a bull**** artist

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar
Clinton: Ditto for Bill

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
Clinton: Ditto for Monica

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit
Clinton: Let's not go there

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack....

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary... basically the same thing

 

A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine-"la maison." "Pencil", however, is masculine-"le crayon."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. no one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. the native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. as soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(No chuckling guys... this gets better!!!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (le computer"), because:
1. in order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. they have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. they are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. as soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

 

I absolutely love that last one, great one ! Totally agree with the women.

 

I represent that... I mean resent

 

For those with No children - this is totally hysterical!
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.


The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...

Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq.ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with Roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all Four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh",; it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in La Mesa, CA has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.