Full Series The 'Stuff-We'll-Never-See' Thread

Captain Rex meets Captain Rex.

Rex: How long until we reach our destination?
Clone1: Who cares, so long as we have a decent pilot this time.
REX: Hi There! This is Captain Rex from the cockpit
Rex: A Clanker Pilot?
Clone2: And with your name? Is this one of General Skywalker's jokes, sir?
Rex: If it is, I don't think it is funny.
REX: We will be flying into Separatist Detention Facility 35 in just a few minutes, as soon as I get the astrogation coordinates from the navigator G2-T3
Clone1: well, I think that answers that question
Rex: Burn down that hatch. Ion Grenades stand by.
REX: Stand By. LIIIIIIIIIIGHT SPEEEEEEEEEEEEEED.
clones fall tumbling backward
Clone2: when was the last time this crate's hyperdrive was serviced?
Rex: that's the least of our worries.
REX: wow, hey guys. Guess what? We just picked up an escort of Vulture droids. Let's have some fun.
shuttle starts playing dodgem with the towers and bunkers. Vultures smash into obstacles.
clones start to lose stomach contents
smiley clone in the back waves his hands in the air like he's on a roller coaster
REX: Hey, wow. Looks like a Republic strikeforce has just arrived.
clone2: uh. Think they're here to rescue us, sir?
Rex: or to rescue this clanker from the scrapheap.
Admiral Yulaaran shows up on the comscreen
Yulaaran: Shuttle, you will land onboard immediately or be fired upon.
REX: This is Captain REX from the shuttle. Um Sure, whatever you say.
Ship lands in the bay under escort. Clones burn down the door just as the ship avoids crashing into a feul tanker.
Sudden deceleration knocks everyone off their feet. Smiley Clone in the back is excitedly pumping his arms in the air.
REX: Well, I hope you enjoyed your trip. It was my first time. I don't think I did too badly... What do you think?
Rex picks up his blaster and shoots REX.
Rex: That's what I think of Clanker Pilots.

 

Nice work, Fistofan!

Sorry for my absences, people. I've been weaning myself off the main PC and, being a slacker, am not on TFN very much on my private laptop. But as always, time for more holiday cheer as only this thread can provide!

(to the tune of Feliz Navidad)
May the Force be with you
May the Force be with you
May the Force be with you, and all you scoundrels and you Mandos too!

The Force will be with you always (Wookiee roar)
The Force will be with you always (Vader breath)
The Force will be with you always, though we don't know where it's froooom! (Wilhelm scream)

And of course, providing our favourite characters settings which are completely ridiculous!

Presents the cast of TCW received for Life Day
Savage Opress: This Life Day, I wish I had a brother...
Mother Talzin: Peeeerrrhaps I could arrange that, chiiiild.

Palpatine: (in Santa garb) Hohoho! Meeeeerry Life Day! (Padme approaches) And what would you like, my dear?
Padme: Peace between the Republic and the Confederacy, and an end to corporate greed!
Palpatine: (strokes fake beard) Yes, we'll get to that as soon as we are able. Please hold.

Plo Koon: What...what is this? Another datapacket from that newscaster at HNN? Kuun Fan was it? What, is this like the fifth one today?
Sinker: Well, you have another one from Master Filoni.
Wolffe: Quiet, sergeant.
Boost: (listening to the odes of Kuun Fan) You have to admit, writing a haiku that rhymes is pretty hard.

Jesse: What is this? Season tickets to Boloball?
Kix: Thought you'd like it!
Jesse: Kix, I don't even watch Boloball.
Kix: Oh. Well, I thought since it's what I would have liked-
Jesse: Kix, it doesn't work that way just because we share the same face.
Kix: Hey, you're one to talk, you gave me one of those stupid Arcona masks!
Jesse: (laughs) Oh yes, those are hilarious! (pause) Trade?
Kix: Deal.

Twi'lek: It's food and medical supplies from the Republic!
Naboo: And SOAP AND WATER! My kids haven't bathed in days!
Darts D'nar: And a new Con'vori!
Ackbar: (unwraps the Ravenous Ravenous Rancor Trap boardgame) It's a trap!

Satine: (opens her packet) ("Discoid Inferno" single) (good naturedly) Oh, very funny, guys. Very funny.
Police Sergeant: And you can burn that holo onto another disc!
Guard: I see what you did there! Sick burn, man!
Satine: (flatly) Alright, that's enough.

Threepio: What's this, Artoo? (Artoo beeps and hands him a coupon) Oh! A droid SPA! An oil bath is going to feel SO GOOD!
Anakin: Blablabla, here's a REAL present! (gives Threepio a DC-17 blaster pistol)
Threepio: Master Annie?
Anakin: Saw a protocol droid use one of these in the outer rim! It was badass!

Ki-Adi Mundi: (opens present, reads card) "Master Mundi, you seemed a little bummed when all you got for that kill count was my undying respect. So here's something with a little more spirit behind it." (gasps) An entire episode dedicated to me! (reads fine print) In a future season. Good enough for me!
Shaak Ti: I have to admit, that Skywalker gets some good ideas sometimes.
Saesee Tiin: (sulking) Stupid Admiral, not letting me name the new cruiser "Life Day Spirit"...
Mace Windu: (puts on an afro) I gotta admit, it's snug.
Yoda: See? Doubt my presents, you should not! Eeheehee!

((Apologies in advance to actual Fandalorians for my So-Not-Mando'ade XD))
Pre Viszla: SO, my minions! What tribute have you brought me this time?
Bo Katan: None other than the legendary Mando'aremal'orkei'zarimur'eviss!
Pre Viszla: (opens packet) (pulls out a mug with "Galaxy's Best Revolutionary" on it) It's a mug.
Bo Katan: A mug proclaiming your BRILLIANCE!
Pre Viszla: I love it!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

 

I died laughing!

Ahsoka: Here's your present, Master!
Anakin: Oh... a mug that says #1 Master... another one... yay!
Ahsoka: I knew you'd love it!

5 minutes later

Obi-Wan: Hey, #1 Master! I love it, Anakin!

 

I know I'm hardly ever around, but I'm always there to have fun and laugh, both with and at the show.

SLAVES OF THE REPUBLIC
Anakin: Dooku!
Dooku: Skywalker.
Queen: (gag)
Anakin: My powers have doubled since the last time we met!
Dooku: I accounted for that, which is why I made my powers double of what double your powers were!
Anakin: Well, little did you know, I actually TRIPLED my powers!
Dooku: Well, I've quintupled them, Jedi!
Queen: 'scuse me...crushed throat here...
Dooku: Quiet, woman.
Anakin: We're in the middle of something here!

Anakin: That facility is locked in tight...if only we had military hardware at our disposal, and some means to contact them, as well as contacts in possession of said hardware!
Ahsoka: What about the Jedi Council?
Anakin: What about the who now?

Mace Windu: Skywalker's sent out a call for help!
Ki-Adi: Finally! A chance to show our moves!
Kit Fisto: We've been trapped here far too long, mon!
Yoda: Hmm. As grandmaster, priority I declare, for this mission.
Mace Windu: But I've got a purple lightsaber!
Kit Fisto: I-
Ki-Adi: Had a three parter in the season's start! Let me go!
Plo Koon: Look, let's just draw straws and see who gets to go...

Roshti: Thank you, Jedi. Your heroism and Dooku's ambition have shown me the light. In this war, I must protect my people's freedom, and better with the Republic than the Separatists!
-Enter the Galactic Empire...-
Roshti: In hindsight, perhaps that wasn't my wisest decision.

A FRIEND IN NEED
Marth Gaul: How's that headline looking, guys?
Ku-Al-An: "Padawan and exile ruin peace talks."
Kapi Cino: Hmm, sounds a little harsh. How about 'disrupt'?
Kuun Fan: Well, it's better than the last peace talk that got spoiled by that Devaronian streaker.

Ahsoka: Lux! These Death Watch are bloodthirsty zealots!
Lux: Nonsense, they seem like a fine lot of warriors to me.
Ahsoka: You got entranced by the jetpacks, didn't you?
Lux: What? That...I... (ashamed) ...Yeah.

Pre Vizsla: WELCOME TO DEATH WATCH! Have a gift basket!
Bo-Katan: Hang on, boss, I think the creator of this topic used that gag already. Twice.
Pre Vizsla: Really? So what're we gonna do with all these hampers now?
Village Chief: Did someone say GIFT BASKETS?

Pre Vizsla: Your FIRST TEST, recruits...is to look upon my fearsome twin-antenna helmet and resist the urge to point out how it looks like the ears of a domestic farm animal!
That one recruit: (sniggers) It's true. (cold silence) Oh.
Pre Vizsla: (coldly) Failure. (shoots the recruit)

Lux: I want to know I can trust you, Vizsla.
Pre Vizsla: You doubt my sincerity, boy? (pointing at face) Look at this. A little souvenir from Count Dooku when we last crossed paths.
Lux: I see. He could have taken your eye.
Pre Vizsla: (confused) What? The eye scar? No, I got that when I was teaching the recruits how to handle our gauntlet blades. (points to his now bald head) THIS is the souvenir the count gave. Kriffin' murglak plucked me like a fried nuna on Life Day.

Lux: (standing by the repaired droids) Thought you could use some back up!
Artoo: (irately) <Oh, sure, take credit when you didn't do ANYTHING useful except LEAD us into this mess. Kriffin' teenagers.>

 

Koonfan- you're awesome!

 

koonfan!!!! You're alive!

That was hilarious, as always.

 

I was about to ask where you went Koonfan

 

Very funny, koonfan! I was wondering where you'd been.

(my contribution to this always great thread)
[image=http://i1120.photobucket.com/albums/l485/clonewarspics/ahsokabonteri3.jpg]

 

When I learned the live-action series was about the pimps of Coruscant (Yes, the pimps. Yes, that is the most godawful idea for Star Wars ever, and that includes the holiday special, Ewoks, Jar Jar, and Greedo shooting first), I wrote up this:

Ackbar: Hello, little Missy. Can you tell me how to get to 500 Republica?
Random girl (in a deep voice): Hello there, Sailor. Interested in a good time?
Ackbar: It's a trap!

 

Who'd be the first guy because it would be just plain creepy if it was Anaking

 

^ ...not sure if sarcastic.

edit: oh dear, we're using the same icon!

 

Aayla: Can you believe all these things people say about me?
Fisto: Sweet Ja, dat's nutting compared to...just cause my name...
Obi-Wan: Well, look what they say about me and Anakin.
Ahsoka: Well, this Mary Sue seems like a nice girl, and I'm glad they see similarities betwen me and her...I'm 12 and what is this?

Mace: HoloNet?
Yoda: Just installed it, I did.

 

Nope no sarcasm

 

And here we stand at the dawn of a new, ambitious 4-parter. So, naturally, Koonfan is on hand to both mock and praise it.

Obi-Wan: So how was my funeral? Did the girls cry?
Yoda: Hmph. A better performance, your corpse gave.
-EPILOGUE-
HNN Newsreel: Jedi Corpse wins Nebula award for Best Supporting Actor!

Mace Windu: This pneumatic suction device will work on even your beard, Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: How can you tell?
Mace Windu: Because we configured it to have the pull of a tractor beam.

(Ahh, three and a half seasons mocking the beard and they shave it off in fifteen seconds XD)

Mace Windu: We've someone we'd like you to meet.
Hargin: And who'd that be?
'Hargin': (walks out of darkness) Me.
Hargin: WHOA! This is like that movie I watched with the dreams and the limbo and the anti-gravity! MIND BLOW! (faints)
Mace Windu: Well, that's convenient. Didn't even have to use a mind trick.
Yoda: The deal with this 'Inception' I do not get. Hmph.

Anakin: (to 'Hargin') The only reason you're still alive is that the man you killed would want to see you in prison!
'Hargin': (sniffs) You really do care!
Anakin: Wha?
'Hargin': Uh, I mean GAH, expelling bodily fluids in terror! (pause) So, ah, this friend, tell me about him. Just so that you can rub it in my face.
Anakin: (snarling) With pleasure! I never told him to his face, but his wit served as an excellent foil to my direct, sarcastic manner!
'Hargin': Wow, that's a really well thought out observation.
Anakin: (still snarling) Of course, I wasn't about to let him know any of this!

Morallo: This guy killed a Jedi, Bane. He could be useful.
Bane: Battle droids kill Jedi, why don't we just buy some off de Federation?

Bane: (the prison riot occurs) All part of mah plan.
'Hargin': (pointing) What about that guy over there? (sees a Rodian dancing over unconscious clone troopers, doing a poll dance with the electrostaff)
Bane: Yes, even dat guy.

 

Bane must have trouble with Basic grammar. Jedi kill droids. Clones kill Jedi. A battle droid coudln't kill a Gungan tadpole.

 

Vizsla: "Well, what do we have here? I think we've got ourselves a Jedi..."

*quadruple decapitation*

Bo-Katan: "That's no Jedi... IT'S A SPACE STATION!"

 

I'm sure there are all sorts of things I could do with the latest episode, but instead, I'll be content with a small bit.

What if The Box was twenty minutes shorter?
Dooku: Alright, Mister Neutrol-
Morallo Eval: That's Eval, sir.
Dooku: -what bounty hunting scum have you found for me?
Eval: Oh, I only take the best! (Cad Bane blasts the Ithorian for his hat)
Dooku: So I see. (they approach the group) Attention, socially, economically, administrative and otherwise challenged individuals! We are cogitating a stratagem with which to secure tactical superiority in the ongoing military struggle! WHO WILL JOIN US? (awkward silence)
Embo: Brrisketowan?
Dooku: (sighs) Yes, you'll be paid. Unfortunately, we're running on a tight schedule, so there is but one logical option.
Cad Bane: Gladiator combat?
Dooku: Don't be barbaric. There's a more civilised process of elimination. (points) Those of you who are appearing in their second episode or beyond, step forth. (Cad Bane, Embo and Hardeen take a step forward) Congratulations. You're on the team. Now, the rest of you... (Dooku walks by examining the candidates) Ooo, new model and species, one that floats. Very nice. Hmm. Another Rodian? And a Weequay, to boot. I see. (straightens up) Very well. Those of you with an uncommon character model, step forward! (all bounty hunters step forward) It appears I'll have to get personal. (to Derrown) You're in. (to Rodian) You're out.
Rodian: (sounding like Onaconda Farr) Aww, maaaan.
Weequay: But my character model is sharper and-
Dooku: No. (to Twazzi) A Frenk? Been awhile since we've had one of those on the show.
Selkath: You haven't had any Selkath either, sir!
Dooku: Last I checked, your kind couldn't even take down the senator from Naboo. You're out. Frenk, you're in. Ithorian, out. Bad enough that your twin brother emphasises your similarities-
Onca: <My brother is dead, sir!>
Cad Bane: And he had a nice hat.
Dooku: Enough of this chicanery! (to Sinrich and Sixtat) Oh, what now?
Sinrich: I'm an inventor, and I've got more of that obvious name stuff!
Dooku: Pig people, only fit as prey for Trandoshans. And between Cad Bane and Morallo Eval, our obvious name quota is reaching its limit.
Sixtat: I am a Sakiyan! It grants me enhanced hunter instincts-
Dooku: You look pretty human to me.
Sixtat: I! Uh. Well. Yeah, I guess I do, but my ears are pointy, and-
Dooku: Nobody would be able to tell that you're a Sick-ly-an. You're out too. (faces the remaining five) Well, then, gentlemen and lady! (to Derrown) Unless you're a lady too, I don't know if your spacies is particularly homogenous or not. Anyhoo, you five are our bounty hunting crew. Congratulations! (malevolently) Send the others to the streets of Coruscant as background fillers.
Ithorian: <No! No! We can be unique!>
Weequay: Just give us some awesome armour and we'll be the next Jango Fetts!
Rodian: Oh, shut up, guys, even I don't buy that.

 

You never fail to impress, Koonfan!

Ain't that the truth!

 

I was thinking today about the reactions characters would have when they learned Obi-Wan was alive. Here's what I came up with:

Anakin: Hey Padme, I have something to show you.
Padme: What is it?
Anakin: Just open this door.
Padme opens the door as Obi-Wan jumps out.
Obi-Wan: OOGABOOGABOOGA!
Padme screms and passes out.
Obi-Wan: Do you think we overdid it?
Anakin: Anything to get her to be quiet for a while...

Dear Satine,
This message is to inform you of several gifts that Obi-Wan Kenobi has arranged for you in the event of his death. First, he instructed us to create a sculpture of you and him that will be placed where the two of you first met.
Satine: Awwwww!
In addtion, he left funds for the Kenobi/Kryze Missionry Project to help underprivilaged Gungan orphans on Naboo.
Satine: Awwwwwwwww!
He also left orders for a thousand beautiful flowers to be planted outside your palace on Mandalore. They will bloom every year on your birthday.
Satine: Oh, Obi-Wan!
Finally, he wants you to know that he is still alive and therefore did not do any of this. In fact, this is him writing the message. PSYCH! By the way, can you send me some cash? I just found out my health insurance isn't going to cover getting my face back to normal...

Jar Jar: Oh, moi moi Obey! Meesa was so sad that yousa was dead! Meesa never gonna leave yousa side. From now on, yousa and meesa are besto palos!
Obi-Wan: Ummmmmm... This is a dream, Jar Jar! I am not really alive!
Jar Jar: Oh, that's moi sad! Meesa was gonna do everything with yousa.
Yoda: Told Representative Binks you are alive you have, hmmmm?
Obi-Wan: Shhhhhhhhhhh!


Asajj Ventress is in her bedroom on Dathomir, crying over a picture of Obi-Wan.
Asajj: Oh, Obi-Wan! Why did you have to die before I told you how much I love you?!
Obi-Wan: Guess who didn't really die?
Asajj: I WILL KILL YOU! I WILL RIP OUT THAT SILVER TONGUE OF YOURS AND KILL YOU!

 

I especially like the Padme one

 

This probably isn't funny. But after watching Anakin and Obiwan fight Dooku...again in the last episode, it got be wondering, how all the encounters between episode 2 and 3, would work with the dialogue in their episode 3 encounter.

-----------------------------------------

Obiwan: You WON'T get away this time Dooku

Dooku: What time did i get away? Are you referring to the original intent of that sentence, which was originally a reference to my escape in Episode 2? Or is it just one of the many encounters we have had...was it yesterday? A week ago? Maybe a month?

Anakin: My powers have DOUBLED since the last time we met count.

Dooku: Good twice the pride...double the fall. Im actually referencing our duel on geonosis...in which your pride caused your downfall. Though i don't know why im picking that duel...since we have had SO MANY duels since then. And when was the last time we met, before your powers doubled?

Anakin: Now that you mention it...i can't exactly remember.

Dooku: It would make sense to say that line about your power being doubled...if the last time we met was a few years back when i chopped your hand off.

Anakin: Then why did i have the urge to say it, even though it didn't make sense?

Dooku: Becauce Anakin...there is something far greater then even my master...something known as the powers that be. This creator...originally had our last encounter be on that planet with the creepy bugs a few years back. But this creator....has a tendency to change its mind, reality has been altered, and now...i can't even remember how many times we have fought.

Anakin: It's all starting to make sense now...

 

I've read this from somewhere other then here

 

Ahsoka: So these are my new bodyguards, Live and Journal.
Anakin: I see you're naming them after Google searches.
Ahsoka: Why do you say that?
Anakin: No reason.
*a clone comes up*
Ahsoka: Cloud, how did your flight training with Sephiroth and Yaoi go?

 

I posted it, in the last episode topic, though it didn't really belong there, because that is about episode discussion, so i put it here.