The Vader Monologues (humor)

A few favorite moments from the last two monologues:

V: *gasp*! Obidala! The rumors were true!

A: Foot! I said foot!
Gotta love the voice of reason there
A: There! You see? That synchronization was beautiful! You two should be working *together*, not against each other! It's almost like someone choreographed this entire thing!
Who woulda thunk it?! You know what? This whole thing works together so well someone ought to make a movie out of it!!! oh wait...nah, the dialogue can be a little too cheesy...it'd never make it in hollywood
A: Yes, but that was a *dry* heat. This is more of a melt the flesh from your bones kind of thing...
Yes, well, I suppose that might make a slight difference
V: What's life without a little risk, eh?

A: Longer! Definitely longer!

V: It's tucked into my left boot.

A: Oh, bitter, bitter irony...
Well, you are the master of irony, BM
A: So... when's he building the other one?
Bad image! bad image!!

Loved them both, BM. PM me for the next?

 

Yeah, what everybody else said.

Excellent job!

 

my goodness, you are so funny! espiecally the lightsaber fight!! that was just gold!!
Obidala! The rumors are true!!
I just might put that in my sig, if it's alright with you...oh Master BlindMan

 

I just read this thing in one shot, and I haven't laughed that hard in.....well, forever. Put me on the PM list, man.

This has been difficult, reading it in the college library. I keep trying to suppress this laughter, and it's not working...

Raptor517

 

(After yet another too-long absence, Blind Man slouches into the room, having returned again from toiling in the vast wastelands of Real Life.)

Hello, all!

A quick welcome to the new readers; and another "thanks for putting up with me disappearing again" for the veteran readers.

Glad you enjoyed the last monologue! As penance for my absence, I was hoping to post a "double feature" with two monologues for the price (?) of one--but I ran out of time. So you only get one.




ON MUSTAFAR (3):


(Having slaughtered the Separatist leaders, Vader stands on a balcony overlooking the flowing lava rivers of Mustafar. A tear courses down his cheek.)

ANAKIN: Are you...crying?

VADER: What of it?

A: I don't know, it's just...I didn't think Sith Lords were allowed to cry. Or, y'know...real men.

V: Hey, I'm a tragically fallen hero. I'm emoting.

A: Yeah--like an eight-year-old girl.

V: You calling me a sissy?

A: If the frilly little dress fits...

V: I only wore that dress the one time! And I didn't have a choice--it was Padawan Hazing Week at the Temple. The older Knights made me do it, or they wouldn't let me become a Knight, too.

A: Yeah, just keep telling yourself that...

V: It was either wear the dress or endure a barrage of Force Wedgies. Not a tough choice. They say Yoda chose the Wedgies--and that's why he walks with a cane.

A: Uh-huh, uh-huh...doesn't explain why you kept the dress, though.

V: That's...I, uh...shut up!

A: Hey, good comeback.

V: Stop trying to ruin my moment, here! This is supposed to be a heartbreaking moment of reflection on choices made and paths not taken.

A: Wow. Deep.

V: Exactly. I'm a man of many layers, you know.

A: Right. And some of those layers have no problem wearing nylons and high heels.

V: They matched the dress, all right?



Blind Man

 

Great monologue! Hilarious as always!

Thanks for the PM. It made me happy. Thanks for taking the time to send it.

 

One word: Onions...

Great stuff Blindman. I'm so glad I'd already swallowed my fool when I read that otherwise it'd have been sprayed. Hopefully not so lonmg between now and the next Please?

fanficfan

 

A man of many layers....right.

Raptor517

 

They say Yoda chose the Wedgies--and that's why he walks with a cane.

Awesome, hysterical as always. Great job.

 

Oh Anakin! You da man!

Somehow... the whole Yoda-wedgie thing *Waves hands about* That MAKES SENCE!

Regular Pm's would be great!

Cheers_Cazza

 

Laine_Snowtrekker : Thanks for taking the time to read! Glad you enjoyed it...

Fanficfan: Thanks! Hopefully not so long until the next. Hopefully...

Raptor517 : Thank you!

Ascal_Elessar : Thanks!

Jedi_Master_Cazz : Thank you! Will do, on the PM request...

(And if anyone else wants me to PM them when I've posted new monologues, just let me know... )


Blind Man

 

Healer_Leona : Sure thing! Thanks for reading!


Blind Man

 

Please PM me when the next one is published!
Hilarious as usual...I thought onions = Shrek.

 

A: Right. And some of those layers have no problem wearing nylons and high heels.

V: They matched the dress, all right?

It really is all about the accessories.

Great post, can't wait for the next one!

 

Thanks for the PM!!!

All I can say is that Suzy's been around quite a while....

 

justicejedi : Will do! Thanks!

Stargazer-19 : Thanks!

piratedreamer: You're welcome! She has indeed...


Well, everyone, looks like we're heading into the home stretch on this; unless my memory's horribly faulty, there are only a few more scenes left to do. Next one should be up within the week. Thanks for reading!


Blind Man

 

NONONONONONO!!!

Sorry - just no. Sorry BM - the monologues are too deeply ingrained in our collective to ever really end -

HOWEVER there's nothing wrong with a sequel you know - Obi-Wan verses Old Ben....


Ben: Mos Eisly Space Port... You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villiany!

Obi-Wan: Oh give me a break! You just don't want to risk running into Madam Sleebaggo and your souvenir - sorry, I mean - "Love child"...

 

DarthBreezy, I think I speak for all of BlindMan's loyal readers when I say...

BEST IDEA EVER!!!!

If you do decide to do Old Ben/Obi-Wan, BlindMan, rest assured I will be reading from page 1!!!

In the meantime, great job on the latest monologue and post again soon...

Please?

 

BM, I hate to see the Monologues coming to an end, but as long as you continue to give an outlet to your creative [and quite hilarious] genius here at the Boards, I'll be first in line to read anything new!!!

 

OK, not to steal BlindMan?s thunder, but I couldn?t resist...

ON THE DUNE SEA

Obi-Wan takes one last lingering look at the baby Luke in Beru?s arms, then, with a deep sigh, turns towards the dusty sands of Tatooine.

When he wakes up the next morning, he spends several long minutes staring at the beige ceiling above him...

Ben: What are you doing?

Obi-Wan: Who?s that?

B: Name?s Ben...what?s up?

OW: ...not much...except that I apparently have gone mad...

B: Not at all...I?m just here to bring you out of this...mood you?re in...

OW: Mood? I?ve just lost my apprentice, my best friend...not to mention the entire Jedi Ord-

B: Yeah, yeah, yeah, no use crying over spilled blue milk, ?kay there, Obi? What you?ve got to do now is start planning for the future...

OW: And exactly what future would that be?

B: *sigh* So dramatic...listen, buddy, you?re not getting any younger...retirement, college for Luke, those aren?t going to pay for themselves, OK?

OW: Could I maybe get dressed before I start thinking about long-term financial goals, here?

B: If you must....

OW: I have a bad feeling about this.....


OK, OK, so I'm no BlindMan, but hey, if it gets the ball rolling, I don't mind taking a few proverbial tomatoes to the face...

*dons protective helmet*

OK, fire when ready!

 

DarthBreezy : A sequel, eh? That's a definite possibility. Must ponder...

astroanna : Thank you! And no tomatoes from me!

piratedreamer : No worries, I'll be sticking around the boards.


And here's the latest!


ON CORUSCANT (2):


(After finishing his business at the Jedi Temple, Vader arrives at Padme's apartment, docking his ship at the landing pad.)

ANAKIN: You sure this is the best idea, coming here? She's not going to approve.

VADER: I have to make sure she's all right. I'm doing all this for her, after all.

A: And what do you plan to tell her? "That smoke? Oh, somebody just burned a casserole in the Temple cafeteria. Don't worry about it." Or maybe, "Hey, honey! I just slaughtered the Jedi, and I'm starved. What's for dinner?"

V: Don't be ridiculous. Although now that you mention it, I am rather hungry...

A: Hungry enough to eat Padme's cooking?

V: Hey, her food's not that bad. Besides, I didn't marry her for her cooking.

A: I know. You married her because she's freakin' hot.

V: No, I married her because she's a smart, strong, capable, independent woman.

(pause)

V and A: (in unison) BAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

A: Dude, stop it. You're killing me!

V: Oh, I knew I wouldn't get through that with a straight face...

A: I mean, she *is* all of those things, don't get me wrong...

V: I know, I know. But so freakin' hot...

A: Oh, man...We are complete and total pigs.

V: Oink. Wait, here she comes.

(Vader and Padme embrace. Padme asks what's happening; Vader tells her the Jedi are revolting, and that he saw Master Windu try to assasinate the Chancellor.)

PADME: Oh, Anakin. What are you going to do?

(Vader turns away.)

A: Abandon your ideals, betray everyone you know, and become the most heinous evil the galaxy has ever seen?

V: It sounds so bad when you say it like that.

A: How would it *not* sound bad?

V: It's all in how you spin it. Watch and learn.

A: Oh, please. She is *so* going to give you a swift kick in the power coupling and walk away.

V: Just watch...

(Vader turns back to Padme.)

VADER: (aloud) I will not betray the Republic. My loyalties lie with the Chancellor. And with the Senate. And with you.

V: Damn, I'm smooth.

A: Don't go patting yourself on the back just yet, sport.

(Vader goes on to tell her about his mission for the Chancellor, and asks her to wait for him. They kiss.)

VADER: (aloud) Please, wait for me.

(Vader boards his ship and flies away.)

A: Okay, I've got to admit I'm a bit impressed. You didn't even have to use the Jedi Mind Trick on her.

V: Nah, it wouldn't have worked anyway.

A: Because she's so strong-minded?

V: That...and because chicks are masters of messing with people's minds--I wouldn't have stood a chance!

A: Oink!


Blind Man (donning his asbestos and ducking for cover! )

 

V: Hey, her food's not that bad. Besides, I didn't marry her for her cooking.

A: I know. You married her because she's freakin' hot.

V: No, I married her because she's a smart, strong, capable, independent woman.

(pause)

V and A: (in unison) BAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!


Love it, love it, love it!!!! You truly have mastered the art of humor. Can't wait for whatever is next!

~piratedreamer

 

I didn't believe him for a second! Thanks for the PM, and a sequel would ROCK!!