It's times like these that you wish you'd taken the time to post it before you left

*sigh*

Well, I guess this is it. I'm feeling pretty much screwed right now. I don't know where to start. I'm pretty much speechless.

What gets me most is the fact that the people nominated right now are the people that are out to make this house less boring. I originaly was going to play it safe, to be cool with it. Then I was reading the BB thread in the JC, and they called us boring. I did a double take, and then realized that I could change that. I could make this compitition a little more interesting.

To start, I've got 18.5 alternate personalities. You've seen two. I have realized that that first night, the personalities you saw were the punk and the idiot. Two reasons to nominate me. And what outsiders see is the n00b. A reason to get rid of me. I don't know what to do to stop what's coming, so I've decided to just let everything out. I'm gonna try my hardest to be myself. To just write what I feel. Because in reality, the best stuff comes when you're just sayin' what you're feelin'. And I'm feelin' a lot.

I still don't know where to start. Have I started yet? Why are we born? Why do we die? Why do we kill? Why do we act like fools? Why do we hate? Why must everything be so complex? Because in reality, I just keep wishing Pandora hadn't opened that box. Adam and Eve hadn't taken that fateful bite. That was the day we lost our innocence. Now we have a vicious world. Over half the people in the world don't have a house with more than a dirt floor. And I'm sitting here typing about my troubles at a computer.

You see, what gets me the most, is I don't fit in anywhere. I'm not really a punk, idiot, nerd, prep, athlete, or genius. I'm just me. And 'just me' is having trouble finding out who 'just me' really is.

So who am I? Just another fish in the sea? Am I just me? Am I doomed to stay just me forever? Because just me needs some help. Dunno from who, just I need somebody.

One favorite alternate personality of mine is the demon. You see, the demon is not an internal personality. It is an external personality that can still control me and the world around it. It is something greater, it is immortal. It is manipulative. Not me. It is manipulative of me. It messes with my head. Screws me around. Makes me wonder which way is where the what in who. Huh?

I guess you can say life works like this: We're born, we live, we die. But the earth is greater than that. It extends outside of America and Europe and the West. Is a computer really such casual equipment when most people lack a decent house?

Because life is screwed up. Nobody knows how it really works. Is there a god? Does god really care? Is there something preventing god from being 'god'? Dunno.

I've realized at this point I've been asking a lot of questions. Questions without answers. So let's move on.

I'm somewhat annoyed because the people nominated are all interesting people. There are other people that could be eliminated instead in favor of keeping this all more interesting. But what gets me the most is that I didn't have a chance. I had one day before nominations. One day. Only a couple days while voting goes on. And to top it all off, I'm the n00b. Can I come back next year, maybe when I'm not a newbie? 'Cuz I feel screwed. But I said that already. So let's move on.

But can I move on? Can 13-year old just me move on? Life pisses me off. I wanna kill it. But how do you kill life? Life is so big... But you can kill some life. But that's destructive, and I'm a nice person!!! So that's out of the question. In the end, it all comes down to venting my rage on the keyboard. And a note to you all, I'm trying my best not to cuss. Because quite frankly, life's getting on my nerves. It's manipulative. People are manipulative. Immortals are manipulative. Everything's manipulative. All sorts of things do their best to screw you up and laugh in your face when they're done. And it's times like these that I wish I had a gun. So I could kill things. But I don't have a gun. So I can't kill things. On top of that, I'm a good person, so I can't do th

 

Well hello Ornen. It's good to hear from the 'real' you.

As for all your questions, I could probably give you answers until I was blue in the face. But some things you have to just discover for yourself. I'm sure you've heard that just being who you are is good enough. You don't have to be classfied. Life is not always going to be like a schoolyard caste system. I know it's cheesy, but it's the truth. Be who you want to be. As long as your not hurting anyone else, where's the harm?

For me, personally, I used to set up nights and wonder about the same things you're saying now. And I may never know. But, for me, I'm opting to enjoy life, not worrying about this kind of stuff, and let questions like this drift in the back of my my mind. A lot of others put their faith in religion, the answers you seek are certainly in there. The choice is yours.

Also, what's with the personality thing? You name your moods?

 

Not really, it just makes things more simple when talking to others. And the demon isn't really a mood, it's... Dunno. Really creepy how it works. Really freaky.

 

For me, the Big Brother experience is one of getting to know your fellow Housemates. If you keep showing us 5 or 10 different "personalities", how are we ever going to know the real you?

As for your questions, I really have no idea. *shrug* I don't have the answers to any of those questions myself. You'll sort things out soon enough. As you get older, you'll get to know more about yourself.

 

Even I don't know the real me...

 

You're 13, of course you don't. I don't even fully know me yet, and I'm almost 20 years old. But maybe instead of relying on those multiple personalities, concentrate on one. Get involved in things at school to figure out what you enjoy. It'll help shape who you become.

 

What Kasey said about knowing yourself.
It took me 19 years to find myself.

You'll find yourself in given time; trying to find yourself is the worst thing you can do. That's like trying to find love; you can't. It finds you. Just be yourself. If you don't know who a hint of that is, do what you enjoy. Find others who enjoy it. Continue searching for things to do that you like to do. You'll eventually be found by life and in time, you'll realize who you are.

As for Big Brother...

1) Don't take this game so seriously. It's the internet; websites come and go with time. People do, too. I've been on this forum for a bit over a year and almost all of my friends are gone. We're here to have fun; can you say that you've had fun here? I've cetainly enjoyed talking to you. And if you go, yes, you will be missed.

2) You can still talk to us. We're here via PM, email, some on chat programs and the like. I'm sure almost any of us would love to talk to you still if you go.

3) Don't worry so much. Hey, there were 2 other people nominated. You have a 33.33333333... chance of being voted off. Just take things easy and relax, man.

That's all I really have to say right now.


~ James

 

Because you don't know yourself doesn't mean you have to try and be someone you're not. Does that make sense? Because it barely makes sense to me. Sometimes it's hard to get a point like this across. Words are such clumsy things.

 

Thanks for being supportive.

And most of those questions were just random things that popped into my head. I just kinda said everything that I thought.

 

What gets me most is the fact that the people nominated right now are the people that are out to make this house less boring.

Well, Ornen, I think all of us are out to make the BB House less "boring". It's unfortunate that there will be evictions every week, but that's part of the game.

I'm somewhat annoyed because the people nominated are all interesting people. There are other people that could be eliminated instead in favor of keeping this all more interesting. But what gets me the most is that I didn't have a chance. I had one day before nominations. One day.

Honestly, we all had pretty much until Thursday to "make our cases" as it were. I'd probably have preferred to wait until the 2nd week to evict the first person just because it's hard to get to know people in one week, but, hey that's the breaks. Maybe you can come back in the next game.

You see, what gets me the most, is I don't fit in anywhere. I'm not really a punk, idiot, nerd, prep, athlete, or genius. I'm just me. And 'just me' is having trouble finding out who 'just me' really is.

Ornen, I'm 34 years old and am still figuring that out. I've never really fit in anywhere either, but you know, at some point you let that go. "Just you" is what you enjoy doing in your spare time, what you love and who you love to be with. At 13, there's a lot of pressure to be someone you're not and, honestly, pressure won't lessen for most people until you get into college or beyond. Don't worry about how others see you, be content in who you want to be.

It sounds like you've got a lot of things happening in your life right now. Maybe the BB House isn't the best place for you right now. Maybe it's better for you to be posting with others and getting to know other people on the JC to develop some friendships and relationships. Being in here will be especially difficult in the coming weeks when we're pretty isolated.

Best of luck however it turns out, though, really.

 

You see, what gets me the most, is I don't fit in anywhere. I'm not really a punk, idiot, nerd, prep, athlete, or genius. I'm just me. And 'just me' is having trouble finding out who 'just me' really is.

Read some of the bios posted, and I think you'll see a lot of the same thing.

 

Ornen, I know you have lots of conflicting feelings because everyone has those. What I have to add to the advice already given is this: despite the fact that, for whatever reason, we or others in the JC may vote you out first, that doesn't mean we hate you. Personally, I don't hate anyone. It just means we/they saw you as the most reasonable choice to go first. If it happens, don't worry! Anyway, all of us but one is going to get voted out at some time. It's just a game

 

I know, nobody hates me, it's just that I feel that things might not go well because I'm the newbie.

 

I totally agree with B'omarr on learning things yourself. Life is such a journey and you're not going to know everything at 13. Heck, at 15 I was discovering that sometimes there was more to a guy than just the surface stuff. I learned, over the next few years as I watched my friends go through the same thing, that everyone has developmental stages they go through.

I've also learned that you can't get to sleep from thinking about it. Whenever I'm harping on my tossing and turning, I never end up getting any sleep. The same thing goes for living. Thinking so much about living all the time means you're probably not doing enough of it. In order to get to sleep or to live you need to let go and just relax.

As for the personalities, I've been Stevie the devil child, Batgirl, a cigarette smoking 60-year-old, a ninja warrior, a cat, an arse demon, and a couple of cute little creatures that eep a lot. People don't mind if you try on personas, as long as they know you're just being funny.

But don't get yourself down. The teenage years happen, and it's sometimes rough, but I have faith that you'll start to figure things out.

As for Big Brother, look on the bright side: You're not chained to the forum anymore. You get to post where you want. I know I'm going to be happy when that moment comes, because I do miss the outside and all my pals. And my freedom. Walls closing in. . .

It's all about making the best out of the moments you've got.

Jae Angel