Story [Multi-Fandom] Salacious' Drabbles (12/31: "Supplemental Interpersonal Relations" (Community))

I've been mostly gone for a while, and all the threads under my old username are locked and buried. Rather than dig them up and figure out where I left off, I'm just going to put the past behind me and start over with the drabbles I've written in recent months.


As of 30 December, 2011, I've posted drabbles here in the following fandoms:
[Warning: List may contain spoilers for individual drabbles.]

*Ace Ventura, Pet Detective
*The Addams Family
*Alias
*American Dad!
*Andy Barker, P.I.
*Animalympics
*Animaniacs
*Arrested Development
*The Avengers
*Babylon 5
*Back to the Future
*Batman
*Battlestar Galactica (1978)
*Battlestar Galactica (2003)
*Better Off Ted
*The Big Bang Theory
*Blake's 7
*Buffy the Vampire Slayer
*Burn Notice
*Castle
*Chuck
*The Closer
*Cluedo
*Columbo
*Community
*The Cosby Show
*Danger Mouse
*Daria
*The Dark Knight
*Desperate Housewives
*Doctor Who
*Doogie Howser, M.D.
*Dragon's Lair
*Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog
*Dudley Do-Right
*Elf
*Eureka
*Farscape
*Firefly
*Flight of the Conchords
*Fraggle Rock
*Frasier
*Freakazoid!
*Friday the 13th
*The Fugitive
*Get Smart
*Ghostbusters
*G.I. Joe
*Gilligan's Island
*The Green Hornet
*Gremlins
*The Guild
*Harry Potter
*Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
*Heroes
*Home Improvement
*Hong Kong Phooey
*House
*How I Met Your Mother
*Inception
*The Incredibles
*Indiana Jones
*I Spy
*The IT Crowd
*James Bond
*Kim Possible
*Knight Rider
*Las Vegas
*Law & Order
*Life on Mars (US)
*Lost
*MacGyver
*Madame Fatal
*Manimal
*Mathnet
*Matlock
*Maverick
*Men in Black
*The Mentalist
*The Middleman
*Modern Family
*Monk
*The Muppet Show
*My Name Is Earl
*Mystery Science Theater 3000
*Nero Wolfe
*Night Court
*A Nightmare on Elm Street
*Outsourced
*Peanuts
*The Perils of Penelope Pitstop
*Phineas and Ferb
*Pinky and the Brain
*Police Squad!
*The Producers
*Profit
*Psych
*Pushing Daisies
*Q.E.D.
*Quantum Leap
*Quark
*Reaper
*The Red Green Show
*Remington Steele
*Rugrats
*Sapphire & Steel
*The Sarah Jane Adventures
*Saw
*SCTV
*Seinfeld
*Sesame Street
*Sherlock
*Sherlock Holmes
*The Silence of the Lambs
*The Simpsons
*Sledge Hammer!
*Sliders
*Smallville
*Snagglepuss
*South Park
*Spaced
*Star Trek
*Star Trek: The Next Generation
*Steptoe and Son
*Street Fighter
*Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
*The Third Man
*30 Rock
*Thor
*Thundarr the Barbarian
*The Tick
*Torchwood
*Transformers
*24
*Two and a Half Men
*UHF
*Up
*Vancouver 2010 mascots
*Wallace & Gromit
*Warehouse 13
*Watchmen
*Will & Grace
*Wonderfalls
*Wonder Woman
*World of Warcraft
*Xena: Warrior Princess
*X-Men
*Yogi Bear
*Yvon of the Yukon
*Z Cars



* * * * * * * * * *

Title: And a Smile Upon His Face
Fandom: Desperate Housewives / The Dark Knight
Originally Posted: 7 June, 2009

Susan suspected her new boyfriend was hiding a secret.

"Have you been using my makeup?" She set the compact down on the dresser as he turned to look up at her; his face was slathered in white, and lipstick was smeared from ear to ear.

"This," Susan said, "I did not expect."

He pointed at the scars on either side of his mouth. "Ah, Susan. Did I ever tell you how I got these?" he asked, his tongue darting out briefly.

"So far, you've blamed your father, your Little League coach, and Bob Barker in a really rough pricing game."

 

Yes, this one was written the same day as the above, somewhat as a follow-up.



Title: Parallel Lines
Fandom: Back to the Future / Silence of the Lambs
Originally Posted: 7 June, 2009


Emmett tried to turn his head, but it was held tight. "It's impossible!" he shouted. "When history's changed, the other timeline's erased completely!"

"And yet, Doctor Brown, I remember that day I killed you in the corridor. Foolish of the guards, really, to have us both out at the same time. What could they have been thinking?"

"Biff!" Emmett yelled. "He must have arranged it! Doctor Lecter, you were being used by Biff Tannen!"

"I suspected something of the kind, but with all your temporal meddling, I didn't know whom to blame. Still, I do hate leaving things feeling... incomplete."

 

Title: The Racket
Fandom: Seinfeld
Originally Posted: August 30, 2009


"George?" Jerry yelled over the din across the hall. "Come on up!"

The noise became much louder when he opened the door. "What is going on over there?" George asked.

Jerry quickly closed it behind him and went back to his cereal. "Kramer's building something or other," he explained between bites. "Don't remember what he said it-"

An explosion shook the apartment and blasted the door off its hinges, launching it into the room, followed by a charred corpse recognizable only by its height and shock of hair.

"Oh, right," Jerry said, eating another spoonful. "That microwave dryer thing. Huh."

 

Title: Neural Clusters
Fandom: Farscape
Rated: PG
Originally Posted: 2 January, 2010


"You liking this, Harvey?" Crichton asked.

The neural clone stepped carefully through the crowd. "If you're trying to shock me, John, it won't work." He paused. "Though I wouldn't have thought you would know so many... variations."

"Well, what can I say? When a mommy and a daddy love each other very much, sometimes they want to record it for others to watch. And sometimes they invite-"

"Yes," Harvey said, "I am familiar with the concept of pornography. Not as much as you are, it seems."

Crichton shrugged. "Back on Earth, I was a single man with an internet connection."

 

Title: Loose Ends
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: G
Originally Posted: 3 January, 2010
Spoilers: "The End of Time"



The Doctor could feel that every cell in his body was breaking down; the end was coming, slowly but inexorably. Through willpower alone, he could hold it off for a little while at least. Maybe, just maybe, he would be able to accomplish some final tasks, those precious few duties that truly mattered.

* * *

"Ah, there you are!" he said. He grabbed it, held it close. Soon, he thought, all would be revealed. Clutching the box to his chest, he rushed to the cashier.

"Ooh," she said, "Lost. Did you like at the end where-"

"Haven't seen it! Don't tell me!"

 

Title: Order for Two
Fandom: Phineas and Ferb
Originally Posted: 4 January, 2010


"Perry the Platypus!" Dr. Doofenshmirtz said. "Tell me, did you think you were the only mammal that laid eggs?"

Perry chirped in response.

"I know you're male. I meant your species! Anyway, you aren't! Perry the Platypus, meet my monotreme mauler, Edna the Echidna!"

A spiny ball rolled into the room and unfolded in the form of an anteater with a small bow. "You're going to get it now!" Doofenshmirtz chortled.

Edna whistled and lunged for Perry, landing in his arms and licking his cheek.

"No! I didn't mean it like that!" Doofenshmirtz paled as both stared at him. "Oops."

 

Title: Recruit of All Evil
Fandom: Better Off Ted / Doctor Who
Originally Posted: 5 January, 2010


"Ted," Veronica said, "the company really wants us to recruit this guy. They say he's the top man in his field in the universe. In the universe, Ted. That's big."

"Did they happen to mention what field that is?" Ted asked.

"No, they did not. I don't think they know."

"The last scientist they were this eager to recruit stole Veridian resources to work on his pet project."

"We made a lot of money selling that death ray to the Belgians, you know," Veronica said. "Anyway, that won't happen this time, Ted. See here? Davros. The name just screams 'trustworthiness.'"

 

Title: The Soul of Discretion
Fandom: Doctor Who / Z Cars
Originally Posted: 7 January, 2010


"It's the TARDIS!" Donna shouted. "We're going in circles!"

The Doctor looked up from his scanner. "We're in 1963; that's an actual police box. Now if this is correct, the Hoix went that way, toward that police station. Remember, we must be subtle, avoid panicking everyone."

* * *

"Has anyone seen a Hoix," the Doctor shouted, "about so tall, really ugly?"

Donna moaned. "What happened to subtlety?"

"What's all this then?" a constable asked.

The Doctor grinned broadly. "Fancy Smith! Fancy meeting you here!"

"Like I haven't heard that one before. Have we met, Mister...?"

"Doctor, actually, and no. Wow, Fancy Smith!"

 

Title: Making Korpis
Fandom: Star Trek
Originally Posted: 10 January, 2010


"Captain," Spock said, "Nievan refuses to back down from his price of ten thousand korpis."

"Where are we going to get that much local currency?" Kirk asked.

Spock gestured to a nearby poster. "One idea does present itself."

* * *

Kirk looked around at his officers. "Are we ready?"

"Yes, Captain," Spock said.

Uhura admitted, "My stomach is full of butterflies."

"You'll do fine. What about you, Mr. Chekov? Bones?"

"Jim, I'm a doctor, not a tambourine player!"

From the other side of the curtain, a voice announced, "Up next, for the first time anywhere, it's James T. and the Away Team!"

 

I wrote this one on the 11th, to be part of Week 3 for UDC 4, but then I changed my mind and held off posting until I'd replaced it the next day with a Big Bang Theory drabble instead, for a couple reasons. First, the set only had one fandom I'd used before, and second there is a language issue. The version below is edited accordingly.




Title: Questions Galore
Fandom: Castle
Rating: PG
Originally Posted: 12 January, 2010
Notes: The challenge theme was "Honor."


"What makes you so sure?" Esposito asked.

"You can just tell," Ryan said. "Well, maybe you can't, but most people can tell."

Beckett looked up from her desk as they walked by. "Can tell what?"

"That Miss Galore was a lesbian."

"But she slept with Bond," Esposito said. "What do you think, Beckett?"

"I think I should have kept my mouth shut. Bother Castle."

Castle poked his head out from the captain's office. "Did I hear my name?"

"Miss Galore," Esposito said. "Lesbian or not?"

"Explicitly in the book, ambiguously in the film."

"Wait, there was a book?" Ryan quipped.

 

Title: Venetian Blind
Fandom: The Mentalist
Originally Posted: 14 January, 2010


"Are you sure you can't see a thing?"

"I'm quite sure, Agent Rigsby. But you don't have to tie it so tight, you know," Jane added. "It's supposed to be a blindfold, not a tourniquet."

There was a smattering of laughter, and Jane said, "Either you're a particularly bright group of kindergarteners, or Agent Rigsby made a face just now. I bet he made the face, didn't he?"

At the back of the room, Bosco leaned close to Lisbon. "Guess I was wrong. Jane's actually useful for something. Who knew?"

"Careful," Lisbon warned. "We are doing this for your nephew."

 

Title: Plea-Bitten
Fandom: Law & Order / Pinky and the Brain
Originally Posted: 15 January, 2010


Jack McCoy stared across the table. "We know you were involved up to your eyeballs."

"Well, I wouldn't say my eyeballs."

"Then what would you say?" Jack asked. "Tell us who your accomplice is, and we won't have to bring up you and a certain horse."

"Blackmail? My client's relationship is immaterial and prejudicial," the defense attorney said.

"And she doesn't know anything! Leave her out of this!"

"I want a name!" McCoy yelled.

"Forget it! Poit! I'm a mouse, not a rat! I'll never betray the Brain! Oops!" Pinky turned to his lawyer. "Sorry, Brain! Egad! Sorry again, Brain!"

 

Title: The Adventure of the Treaty of Westfall
Fandom: World of Warcraft
Originally Posted: 17 January, 2010


"I know the orcs stole them!" Varian Wrynn shouted. "Just tell me how they got in here!"

Holmes turned away from his investigations. "Mrlwylglwr!"

"Please, sire," the detective's assistant whispered, "he must be allowed to work undisturbed."

The king harrumphed but sat down. For the next hour, Holmes rushed around the chamber, racing from one corner to another, often stopping to carefully examine apparently bare floors or walls.

Finally, he walked slowly over to the others. "Wrflgrglmrgl. Grlrmwrlr?"

"He says that there were no orcs in here," the assistant said, "and he asks when you last saw the Gnomish ambassador."

 

Title: Lost Schnoz
Fandom: Farscape
Originally Posted: 18 January, 2010


"Listen up, Sparky," John said. "I don't care why you took it. Just cough it up now, and nobody gets hurt."

Rygel hovered up to John's eye level. "I don't know what the frell you're talking about."

"Give it back now!"

"What's all the yelling?" D'Argo asked as he entered the room. "I could hear you from two tiers down, Crichton. Is there something wrong with your voice?" John turned to face him. "You look different," D'Argo added.

"Sluggo stole my nose!"

"Frankly," Rygel said, "it's an improvement."

"Oh no, and now I gotta sneeze."

* * *

Three arns later, Rygel awoke.

 

Remember way back when I finished UDC 1 and promised a series of bonus drabbles, but I only did one and forgot? Well, here's a second, based on the Week 15 theme. This brings my count for that challenge to 116 fandoms.



Title: Investor Relations
Fandom: UHF
Rating: G
Originally Posted: 19 January, 2010
Notes: The challenge theme was "Change?"


George looked up at the clock. "Time to go see the boss."

"So where is he today?" Bob asked.

"Downtown office, by the old Channel Eight building. Want me to stop at Burger World on the way back?"

"We've had Burger World every day this week," Bob said. "How about Taco Villa?"

"Nah. Pizza Baron?"

"Clucker Doodle?"

"Lutefisk Land?"

Bob stared at him for a moment, not speaking. "Yeah, okay."

* * *

The small, hunched man rose from the bench and shambled forward. "Change, mister?"

"Have I ever let you down?" George started counting out quarters.

"Ooh, shiny! I like them shiny!"

 

Title: Little Lion Lost
Fandom: Xena: Warrior Princess / Ace Ventura, Pet Detective
Originally Posted: 24 January, 2010


Xena relaxed when she recognized the figure emerging from the undergrowth. "Xena," Aphrodite asked, "have you seen a lion, so big, answers to 'Fluffy'?"

"You lost Artemis's pet?"

"Not lost, misplaced," Aphrodite said. "I need to find him before she finds out."

"And you came to me for help?" Xena asked.

"No, I pulled history's greatest tracker back for that."

A second, bizarrely dressed and coiffed figure burst from the brush. "Excuse me," he yelled, "have you two ladies seen a Panthera leo europaea, or- oh, it's you. Alrighty then."

"Xena," Aphrodite said, "meet Ace Ventura."

"Pet detective," he added.

 

Title: Joie de Vivre
Fandom: Doctor Who
Originally Posted: 25 January, 2010


The Doctor ducked into the first open doorway he could find, then yanked Martha through after him. Once he'd closed the door behind them, they were in complete darkness. Even so, Martha was sure he was grinning like a schoolboy.

"Stop that," she said.

"What?" he asked, and she could definitely tell; he was so enjoying this.

"Smiling. You act like it's all some kind of game."

"No, of course it's not," he agreed. "Come on, though, you have to admit nothing gets the blood flowing like a little excitement."

"My blood was flowing just fine already," Martha said.

"Spoilsport."

 

Like the UHF example above, this is part of my UDC1 bonus, bringing that now to 117 fandoms. This also became my 250th fandom overall.


Title: So Cool
Fandom: Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog
Rating: PG
Originally Posted: 27 January, 2010
Notes: The challenge theme was "Let's Play Doctor!"


"Wow, this is so cool!"

"I said no talking!" Dr. Horrible shouted. He stalked across the bank. "Did you say this was cool? What's your name?"

"Maggie, Dr. Horrible, sir," she stammered, not looking up.

"So, Maggie," he said, "you think it's cool that you might die here today?"

"It's just that you're Dr. Horrible! I'm your biggest fan!"

"Congratulations. You get to live. Pick someone else to die instead."

"What? I can't do that!" Maggie protested.

"See?" Dr. Horrible said. "Not so cool now, is it?"

Maggie pointed. "Him! He's old! He probably won't live long anyway!"

"I'm forty-five!"

 

Awesome! I Dr. Horrible.

 

Thanks. I was just getting used to the idea that nobody was reading anything I posted. Anyway...


Title: Same Old, Same Old
Fandom: Farscape
Originally Posted: 28 January, 2010


"How many times," Crichton asked, looking back over his shoulder, "does this make now?"

"I lost count somewhere around a cycle ago," D'Argo answered. He tested the bonds again, but the two men were held tight. Across the chamber, Aeryn and Chiana were tied to another strut.

Crichton laughed. "We really need to get Moya a better home security system."

"We need," D'Argo said, "to stop letting people with weapons aboard."

"Their ship was damaged," Aeryn protested, "and they were children."

"Sebacean children," D'Argo added.

"Yeah, well," Crichton said, "who'd have thunk we'd be overpowered by the Peacekeeper Junior League?"

 

Title: Kissing Cuisines
Fandom: Farscape
Originally Posted: 29 January, 2010
Setting: During "Terra Firma"


Rygel paused, sniffing the air. "What is that wonderful aroma?"

"Do you mean Chinese restaurant over there or the Mexican place across from it?" his bodyguard asked.

"Chinese? Mexican?" Rygel wondered. "I don't recognize these terms."

"China and Mexico are two of our planet's nations. That restaurant serves Chinese food, and-"

Rygel harrumphed. "Are your people so fanatically insular they keep even their food segregated?"

"It's not like that," the guard stammered. "It's just that we, uh... Anyway, would you like to try one of the restaurants?"

Rygel looked from one to the other. "I would like to try... both."

 

Title: Age Before Movies
Fandom: Phineas and Ferb
Originally Posted: 30 January, 2010


"So," Isabella asked, "whatcha doin'?"

"Oh, hi there," Phineas said. "We're making ourselves older so we can get into movies we're not supposed to see."

"What movies would those be?"

Phineas shrugged. "Wanna join us? Ferb's already done it."

Ferb, now twenty years old, winked at Isabella. "Hubba hubba," she whispered.

"My turn!" Phineas shouted.

* * *

"Aren't you two a little young for this movie?" the box office attendant asked.

"No," Ferb said, glancing at Isabella, "no, we are not. Two adult and one senior ticket, please."

Behind them, Phineas leaned heavily on his cane with both wrinkly hands and glowered.

 

Title: The Some Number of Doctors
Fandom: Doctor Who / Sesame Street
Originally Posted: 31 January, 2010


Somewhere beyond the stone walls, thunder boomed. "Doctor, are we back in the Death Zone on Gallifrey?" Turlough asked.

"No, I do believe we're on Earth," the Doctor told him. "Why do you ask?"

"I just saw one of your past selves."

"I've seen two so far. Future selves, too, as it happens," the Doctor said. "If you see my tenth incarnation, run the other way."

"Why are you all gathered here?"

"I suspect the reason's rather benign this time, Turlough."

A short figure in a black cape swooped toward them. "Eleven!" he shouted. "Eleven Doctors wandering my castle! Mwahahahahaha!"

 

Title: Blonde Bombshell
Fandom: How I Met Your Mother
Originally Posted: 1 February, 2010


"I'm going in," Barney said. He left the table and strode toward a blonde at the bar.

The gang turned to watch him. "Does she look familiar?" Robin asked.

"Maybe someone he's hit on before?" Marshall suggested.

"No," Ted said. "She hasn't slapped him yet."

Lily stared thoughtfully. "You're right, Robin. She reminds me of someone, but who?"

"I see it too now," Ted agreed. "In the face, she kinda looks like... oh no. She's like Barney in a wig."

"She totally does!" Lily laughed.

Ted stood up. "I gotta warn-"

"Don't you dare," Robin hissed.

"But-"

"Don't. You. Dare."

 

That would be awesome