Spring, MO Random Humor... If it's funny, put it here.

R.I.P. Salacious Crumb.

 

I read that at another forum I go to... Did you watch the video? That dog is so weird lookin... And sounding!

 

UNANSWERED PRAYER?

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that
her father always paused and bowed his head, for a
moment, before starting his sermon.
One day, she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter
was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the

Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> > >
BEING THANKFUL

A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So
your mother says your prayers for you each night?

Very commendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >
EXPRESS PRAYER

Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at
Thanksgiving, Easter, and other special occasions;

when he, typically, said a long prayer over the food.

One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip,

grandfather (to our son's surprise) asked a very brief

blessing on the food. With a gleam in his eye,

our son grinned at his Grandfather and said,
"You don't pray so long when you're hungry, do you Grandpa?"


:>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >
UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER

During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there
was a loud whistle from one of the back pews.
Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into
silence and, after church, asked, "Gary, whatever made
you do such a thing?"
Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach
me to whistle and He just then did!"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >
TIME TO PRAY

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
"Yes sir," the boy replied.
"And, do you always say them in the morning,
too?" the pastor asked.
"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
BEWARE OF TRASH

One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our 'trash

baskets' as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS?

When my daughter, Kelli, was 3, she and my son,
Cody, would say their nightly prayers, together.
As most children do, we have to bless every
family member, every friend, and every animal
(current and past).
For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer,
Kelli would say, "And all girls."
As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to
include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and
I asked her,
"Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"

Her response, "Because we always finish our
prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >
SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday
dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was
seated around the table as the food was being served.
When little Johnny received his plate, he started
eating right away.

"Johnny wait until we say our prayer."
"I don't have to," The boy replied.
"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say
a prayer, before eating, at our house."

"That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is
Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!

 

You have got to love the honesty of children... to an extent... *cough*

OMG I HAVE A JOKE!

This old lady was sitting outside on her patio with her pet cat Puff. Then this fairy appears out of nowhere.

"I'm here to grant you three wishes," the fairy said.

The old lady was delighted and said, "I wish that I was 21 and beautiful again." POOF! Instantly, the old lady is transformed into a beautiful, 21 -year-old woman.

"Wow! Now I wish that I had a million dollars and that this house was a mansion." POW! It's done.

"Now, I wish that Puff here was the handsomest man in the world and deeply in love with me." BANG! Suddenly, the woman is in the arms of the handsomest man in the world.

He kisses her and says, "Darling, aren't you sorry you had me fixed?"

 

Good one

 

why thank you so much

 

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the
appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

***********************************************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

 

Very nice DG!

 

Awesome!

 

Pfft, it takes Randy twice as long as it does me at the ATM. I pull in right the first time

 

Heh, there's a comment for that. JK

 

Thanks everyone. A friend of mine and one of my Aunts send me stuff like that all the time. I just have to be careful chosing the ones I use here. I either have to pick the cleans ones, which is hard to do, or clean them up so I don't violate the TOS. They send me some really dirty ones quite often.

 

I have one for the moms out there...

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed."

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches. Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.

She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose bu! tton She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer.

She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field tri p, and pulled a text book out from hiding under the chair.

She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.

Mom then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night solution & age fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and filed her nails.

Dad called out, "I thought! you were going to bed."
"I'm on my way," she said.

She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked and the patio light was on

She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and TV's, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.

In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list. She said her prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals.
About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular. "I'm going to bed."

And he did...without another thought.
Anything extraordinary here? Wonder why women live longer...?

CAUSE WE ARE MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL..... (and we can't die sooner, we still have things to do!!!!)

 

Cute! And the damn truth too.

 

*Cough* bull **** *cough*

Good one.

 

Women are built to last! w00t!

 

COME ON PEOPLE! PUT STUFF IN HERE!!! *begs*

 

*puts stuff in here*

 

*sarcastically* thank you very much...

 

The year in review ~ from a Blonde

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February- Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
labels.....
"duh"..... bottles won't fit in typewriter ! ! !
March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6months.....
box/said "2-4 years !"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out ! ! !
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into
those little packets ! ! !
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a
slope.
July - Lost breast-stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
other swimmers cheated, they used their arms ! ! !
August - Got locked out of car in rainstorm.....car swamped,
because top was down.
September - Lost a TV quiz show. The capital of California is
"C".....isn't it ? ? ?
October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4-1/2 days.....instructions said 1
hour Per pound and I weigh 108 ! ! !
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven"
button on the phone ! ! !

WHEW... WHAT A YEAR !!!!!

 

ROFLMAO!
Good one.
Leash

 

good one

 

Revenge:

How did Revlon come up with their brunette hair color treatment?


By studying what oil spills do to seaweed




What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette?

A hostage

 

Thank you Amy! I have a couple more!

What does a brunette look for all her life and then just dies when she finds one?
A gray hair.

And, my personal favorite! (From having to hear those @$#%@$ blonde jokes my whole life! )

What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

 

HEY!!!! We brunettes are the SMART hair color! w00t w00t for brunettes!!! Come together, all brunettes! Blondes may blind the world with their highlights, but we blind the world with brains!!!