The Vader Monologues (humor)

LOL! So what's up next? You gotta do the scene where he chokes Ozzel and promotes Piett. And the scene on the balcony at Endor. And the scene . .

well, you get the idea.

 

Gadzooks! This thing's already hit two pages' worth of responses! Thanks, all!

More to come...

Blind Man

 

WHEEE! i like it!

 

<Insert helpless laughter here.>



Hmmm ... you remind me somewhat of an acquaintance of mine who, it was said, could make a blank wall laugh. Funny! More!

 

INSIDE THE TIE FIGHTER:

(Just as Vader is about to fire on Luke's X-Wing in the Death Star trench, the Millenium Falcon comes screaming in from out of nowhere, guns blazing. One of Vader's wingmen clips Vader's TIE fighter in the confusion, sending his ship swirling off into space...)

ANAKIN: I think I'm going to hurl. Too much spinning...

VADER: Get a grip. It's not that bad.

A: I'm serious, man! I'm gonna spew!

V: Don't. You. DARE! I'm wearing a sealed helmet, here!

A: Then you'd better do something fast!

(Vader begins to work his controls frantically.)

A: Here it comes!

V: Wait! Wait!

(The ship stabilizes, and Vader steers off on a new vector.)

A: Whew! That was a close one. But I think you're going to need a breath mint. Better head back to the Death Star and get one.

V: You see all those glowing, sparkling fragments all over the place?

A: Yeah...

V: That's the Death Star.

A: Oh, man! All my stuff was there!

V: All *my* stuff, you mean.

A: Technically. So what's the plan?

V: Well, let's see. We're out here in the butt-end of nowhere, there isn't another Imperial ship in sight, and there's an entire base of Rebels not too far away who're probably eager to get their hands on me. I'm thinking it's time to run.

(Vader begins to fiddle with the controls.)

A: What're you doing?

V: Plotting the coordinates for the nearest Imperial base...

(Vader finishes, then pulls back on the hyperdrive lever. The stars outside stretch to infinity, then the TIE fighter is barrelling through the swirling tunnel of hyperspace. Vader leans back in his seat.)

A: How long until we get there?

V: Fourteen hours.

A: Fourteen *hours*?! What are we supposed to do until then?

V: I'm going to meditate.

A: Man, that's *boring*! Do we have any cards? Maybe we can play some solitaire.

V: No, we don't have any cards.

(pause)

A: Any books?

V: No!

(pause)

A: Games?

V: NO! We don't have any cards, we don't have any books. No games, no puzzles, no holovids, no nothing. So just be quiet and let me meditate, all right? Can you do that?

A: Sure.

V: I'm serious. Not another word for the rest of this trip.

A: No problem. This is me, shutting up.

V: Good.

(pause)

A: Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall--

V: I'll kill you.


Blind Man

 

Oh. My. Gosh. That was hilarious!!! LOLOL ROFLOL!!!! That was great!

*wipes tears from eyes* Oh man, Ok, I'm fine now.

 

lmao! i love how anakin is a a whiny little bratty sort of thing, and vader is so serious and cynical-ish. i can just see these conversations taking place in my head with those movie scenes. more soon please!

 

This is funny, in a quirky, twisted sort of way.

 

I'm loving this!

 

OMG this thread is hilarious!!



Please!! Continue w/ more when you can!!

 

*falls off chair laughing*
MOORE!!!!!

ROTFLMAO

 

ROTFLMAO!!! This is hilarious!

A: Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall--

V: I'll kill you.

Thanks, Blind Man, I needed that!

 

LOL!!!

This is sooo funny...

x Clare x

 

arg, I demand more! Too funny.

 

That´s a funny idea!!! I love it!!!
M O R E P L E A S E !!!!!!!!!!!
ba

 

*holds sides* Ha ha ha ha hee hee hee

 

This is funnnnny. Hmmm, poor Vader seems to have a tough time of it ... *snicker.*

More?

 

ABOARD THE EXECUTOR:

(The Millenium Falcon, exiting the asteroid field, makes a daring attack run on the Star Destroyer pursuing it, and vanishes from their scopes. The captain decides to take full responsibility, and sets off for a meeting with Vader, who waits aboard his flagship.)

ANAKIN: Captain Needa's coming over? This is gonna be so awesome!

VADER: Indeed. He is a bit of a scamp.

A: Scamp? The dude's a wild man! Remember that time when he programmed Admiral Ozzel's coffee maker to serve nothing but ronto urine?

V: That was classic.

A: Or the time when he put that whoopee cushion on the Emperor's throne?

V: How could I forget? I think he was the one who toilet-papered the Imperial Palace last week, too.

A: What's he coming over for, anyway?

V: He had the Millenium Falcon in his sights, but allowed them to slip away.

A: Uh-oh. You're not gonna, y'know, do the strangling thing to him, are you? He gets us into all the cool parties...

V: I'm shocked that you would even suggest that.

A: Of course. 'Cause you're just the soul of restraint, aren't you?

V: Well, maybe I'll surprise you.

A: Right...

(Needa arrives on the Executor, and is brought before Vader. He sketches a nervous bow, apologizes for losing the Millenium Falcon--and Vader strangles him.)

VADER: (to corpse) Apology accepted, Captain Needa.

(A pair of guards haul the body away.)

A: So which part was supposed to surprise me?

V: I used my left hand to make that pinching gesture with my fingers--not my right hand.

A: Wow. Coloring outside the lines, huh? Thinking outside of the box?

(Vader walks over and talks with Admiral Piett about the pursuit of the Millenium Falcon. He orders Piett to calculate every possible destination along their last known trajectory, then stalks off. In the corridor, one of the guards who hauled Needa away approaches him.)

GUARD: Sir, we found this on Captain Needa's body.

(The guard hands Vader a small package wrapped in bright paper and ribbon, then leaves.)

A: A present? What's the card say?

V: Let's see..."To Lord Vader: Happy Birthday, From Needa and the Guys".

A: That is so sweet of them.

(Vader opens the package.)

V: Helmet polish?

A: Cool!

V: I *am* running low.

A: Yeah--and you just killed the guy who was nice enough to give you more. Nice going, genius.

V: But I didn't--

A: Don't you just feel like a jerk, now?

V: I--

A: The guy goes out of his way to get you something special and you just up and whack him. I can't believe--

V: Hey, my birthday was last week! He deserved what he got.

A: Uh-huh. Sure. So how are we supposed to get into all the cool parties now, brainiac?

V: We don't need Needa for that. I'm a party machine. Everyone knows it.

(pause)

V: Why are you laughing?


Blind Man

 

OMG!!!!!!! ROTFLMAO!!!!!!! *wipes tears from eyes.

"Why are you laughing?"

LOL!!!!

OMG.....great post.

 

LOL!!! These are halerious!!!

 

<<<A: So which part was supposed to surprise me?

V: I used my left hand to make that pinching gesture with my fingers--not my right hand.>>>

rotflmfao!!!! bwahahaha!!!!!!! i love it! and the end too, it was great! "why are you laughing?" oh my god!! i love it! lmao! *stops to breathe* oh, thank you, that made my day!

 

Oh my gosh...how do you come up with ideas for this?! This is too funny for words!!!



x Clare x

 

LOL "why are you laughing?" This whole thing is classic!!!!

 

Thanks for the support, all! More to come...

Blind Man