Your daily smile, humourous observation, anecdote, what have you

Ol'val, all.

Life is getting much too serious everywhere, yes?

So, in the spirit of the (real life) warning sticker on a stroller, "When storing the stroller, first remove baby ..." I offer as my initial post Arthur Kirkby's manual on "How To Use A Hammer." I will add one similar piece to this thread daily, and hope that others will contribute also.


INSTRUCTION MANUAL - HAMMER

Notice to Owner
Read all the following precautions and notices carefully before attempting to use your new hammer. Or, as necessary, have someone capable and competent read them to you.

General Notice
Hammers are not toys or recreational devices and should be handled carefully and used only in appropriate situations. The manufacturer reserves the right to specify what uses void the warranty.

Correct Usage
Do not attempt to use the hammer when holding it by the head. Results will almost invariably prove unsatisfactory. Hold the hammer by the moulded grip section (the long thin part) and strike the target object carefully.

Target Object
Use only for its intended purpose. Intended purpose: driving nails.
DO NOT USE on blasting caps, unexploded artillery shells, vials of nitroglycerine or similar materials.

Special Features
The claw portion of the head (the slightly curved and pointed thingy with small open wedge) is intended solely for the removal of nails (metal construction type nails, not hand and foot type).
Nor should your hammer be used to extract teeth, climb mountains, comb hair, or hook toast out of the toaster.

Other Prohibited Uses
Hammers should not be used to swat mosquitoes, in particular and most especially mosquitoes that have landed on facial areas. Serious personal injury can result.
As well, do not use your hammer while performing any of the following functions:
<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI> bathing or showering,
<LI> negotiating with insurance personnel,
<LI> computer data entry,
<LI> sports activities.</UL>

Caution
Use of hammers may be habit-forming. Consult your physician if every object you encounter begins to look like a nail.

Legal Notice
Repeated blows to the head of a neighbour with this tool may be considered an offence by some law enforcement officials. The manufacturer accepts no responsibility and specifically denies any liability for unlawful use of the hammer.

Machinery
Do not use the hammer while operating any aircraft, motor vehicle, or other machinery. "Use" under this category includes, but is not limited to, hijacking, air piracy, kidnapping, and attempts thereat.

Warning
Do not connect the hammer in any way to any power source. Hammers do not generally require electrical current or charge. If you feel the hammer will not function properly without electrical power, consult your retailing professional.

Storage
Your hammer should be properly secured during non-use periods. It should not be left unattended and accessible by children, psychopaths (whether certified or not), or handymen currently under a doctor's care.

TROUBLESHOOTING CHART

Problem: Nail does not penetrate object
Possible cause: Object is too hard
Remedy: Substitute wood for steel plating

Problem: No sound
Possible cause: Hammer has been accidentally omitted
Remedy: Grasp hammer firmly and repeat

Problem: Marks appear on target surface but nail does not move
Possible cause: Hammer trajectory is flawed or otherwise inaccurate
Remedy: Open eyes

Problem: Windows shatter and glass shards embed themselves in arm and face
Possible cause: Incorrect appliance
Remedy: Substitute washcloth for hammer

 

heheheheheheheheh

 

Here's FreeBeer's guide to beer troubleshoting:

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.



[This message has been edited by FreeBeer.com (edited 11-15-1999).]

 

Ol'val.

Job Interview Quotations

Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective
employees.
<UL TYPE=SQUARE>
<LI>A job applicant challenged the interviewer to arm wrestle.
<LI>One interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
<LI>How it is possible to fall and break an arm during a job interview I will never know, but one candidate managed it.
<LI>A very hungry candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office.
<LI>One ambitious candidate explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer.
<LI>There was one candidate who explained that he never finished high school because he had been kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
<LI>Then there was the balding candidate who excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.
<LI>Asked how he would demonstrate his loyalty to the company, one applicant volunteered to have the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
<LI>One very nervous applicant interrupted the interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
<LI>Another candidate brought a very large dog to his interview.
<LI>Then we have the applicant who refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
<LI>Even the JC slackers have nothing on the candidate who dozed off during his interview.</UL>


What Is It I Am Doing Here Again?

The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates.
<UL TYPE=SQUARE>
<LI>"What is it that you people do at this company?"
<LI>"What is the company motto?"
<LI>"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
<LI>"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
<LI>"Why do you want references?"
<LI>"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
<LI>"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
<LI>"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
<LI>"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
<LI>"Does your health insurance cover pets?"
<LI>"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
<LI>"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
<LI>"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
<LI>"Why am I here?"</UL>


More Than We Wanted To Know ...

Then there was the rather ... unusual ... information volunteered by some candidates during the interview process.
<UL TYPE=SQUARE>
<LI>I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.
<LI>At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.
<LI>I feel uneasy indoors.
<LI>Sometimes I feel like smashing things.
<LI>Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.
<LI>I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.
<LI>I get excited very easily.
<LI>Once a week, I usually feel hot all over.
<LI>I am fascinated by fire.
<LI>I like tall women.
<LI>People are always watching me.
<LI>If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.
<LI>I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.
<LI>I never get hungry.
<LI>I know who is responsible for most of my troubles.
<LI>If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival.
<LI>I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.
<LI>My legs are really hairy.
<LI>I think I'm going to throw up.</UL>

 

Freebeer.com that's now hanging on my door, thank you.

//beer

 

&lt;how do you know if you're a computer geek&gt;

<UL TYPE=SQUARE>
<LI>Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write is letterhead.
<LI>You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
<LI>You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers.
<LI>You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
<LI>You disdain people who use low baud rates.
<LI>When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
<LI>You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
<LI>You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.
<LI>You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.
<LI>You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
<LI>You sign Christmas cards by putting   next to your signature.
<LI>Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than .
<LI>You back up your data every day.
<LI>Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.
<LI>You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
<LI>On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
<LI>The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.
<LI>You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.
<LI>You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.
<LI>You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
<LI>You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.
<LI>You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.
<LI>Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.
<LI>You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.
<LI>While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.
<LI>You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
<LI>You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
<LI>You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
<LI>You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track *pad*.
<LI>You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own

 

Look in your Win95 B manual for the Java license/disclaimer. Among the disclaimers was : Java was not designed to be used for nuclear technology, guidance systems and other nuclear energy systems. Like anyone would use Windows for nukes.

 

Rome did not build a great empire by having meetings, they just killed everyone who opposed them. Of course, Rome fell...

 

From the British law courts:

Judge: How many times have you been convicted for this offence before?
Prisoner: Five, me Lord.
Judge: Five, is it? Then this time I shall give you the maximum sentence prescribed.
Prisoner: Maximum? Don't regular customers get a discount?

 

This is for all the slackers out there ... wherever you are ...


Rumour has it this is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food restaurant. Rumour also has it that they hired him.

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE? Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

 

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.

Think of your three best friends.

If they're okay, then it's you.

 

Rhui Chatar: Classic man!

My bro told me this recently when I was having a hard time:

Quote:
_____________________________________________

You've got to meet bad things half way, pimp slap them and tell them to go make you a sandwich... then you'll feel better.
_____________________________________________

Made me smile and got me through my day.





[This message has been edited by Crystena77 (edited 11-16-1999).]

 

Here's an old gem:

The following is a letter sent to Miller Brewing Company earlier this month. Miller's response is at the end.

Miller Brewing Company
ilwaukee, Wisconsin 53201

Dear Sir or Madam,

I have been a drinker of Miller beer's for many years (actually, ever since that other company donated a big chunk of change to Handgun Control Inc. back in the mid 80's).

Initially, my beer of choice was Lite, but some time in mid 1990 while in Honduras I switched to MGD smuggled up from Panama. Now, for nearly six years, I have been a faithful drinker of MGD.

For these past years, I have come to expect certain things from Genuine Draft. I expect that whenever I see that gold can of MGD, I am about ready to enjoy a great, smooth brew.

But wait! Sometime around the first of the year, my beloved MGD changed colors, so to speak. That familiar gold can was no longer gold! Knowing that I am, by nature, somewhat resistant to change, I forced myself to reserve judgment on the new can design.

Gradually, I grew to appreciate the new label. That was until about May of this year. That was when I discovered (empirically) that I really didn't like the new design. Further investigation of the cause of my distress resulted in the following observations:

1. Your cans are made of aluminum.
2. Aluminum is a great conductor of energy.
3. Your beer is commonly consumed outside, and thus, the container may be exposed to sunlight.
4. Sunlight striking the can causes radiant warming of the surface of the can.
5. The resultant heat (energy) is transferred through the aluminum, by conduction, to the contents of the can (the beer).
6. Warm beer sucks.

This is a process that can be observed in just about any beer. However, this process is significantly accelerated in MGD because you painted the damn can black!!!

Who was the rocket scientist that designed the new graphic for the can and implemented the change right before summer? Granted, this process may not be real evident up there in Wisconsin, but down here in Oklahoma (OR TEXAS) where the summers are both sunny and hot, this effect is quite a problem. There's no telling what the folks in Texas and Arizona are having to put up with.

Knowing that you would probably not address this issue unless you had firm evidence of a problem, I and several other subjects conducted extensive experimentation. The results of these experiments are listed below.

The experiments were conducted over two days on the deck next to my pool. The study included seven different types of beer (leftovers from a party the previous weekend) that were initially chilled to 38 (and then left exposed to sunlight for different lengths of time. These beers were sampled by the test subjects at different intervals. The subjects, all normally MGD drinkers, were asked at each sampling interval their impressions of the different beers. The length of time between the initial exposure to sunlight and the point where the subject determined the sample undrinkable (the Suckpoint) was determined. The average ambient temperature for the trials was 95 degrees F.


Beer Type............Average Suckpoint (min)
Miller Lite (white can).................6.2
Bud (white can).........................5.5
Bud Lite (silver can)...................5.2
Ice House (blue and silver can).........4.4
Coors Lite (silver can).................4.1
Miller Genuine Draft (black can)........2.8
Coors (gold can)........................0.1

It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates to the average suckpoint, except for Coors which was pretty much determined to suck at any point.

It is to be hoped that you will consider re-designing your MGD cans. All beer drinkers that are not smart enough to keep their beer in the shade will thank you.

Sincerely,

Bradley Lee
Beer-drinker

Phil,

I have a friend that works for Miller Brewing in Milwaukee and she knew about the letter sent in by Bradley Lee. She sent me the Miller response and it appears below. She says they have had a lot of fun with this guys letter. Enjoy.


Dear Bradley Lee,

 

I feel obliged to tell you that above Resume by Greg Bulmash was written by a writer who is now an editor at the IMDB (www.imdb.com) There was an article at the IMDB several months ago about it. It was always intended to be a humor piece, not an actual application, but it's damn funy anyway. Here's a link to a page with more info about it: http://www.autodream.com/chain/site1.htmlwww.autodream.com/chain/site1.html

And now for my joke:

If Bill Gates had a nickel for everytime Windows crashed...Oh wait, he does.

 

Ol'val.

Welcome to the Forum, PastaQueen -- and thank you: I learn something new! Good to see you back, Crystena77. You have been missed.


Assault and Batter
The case of the Pillsbury Doughboy v. John and Jane Dough

by Marcel Strigberger

After years of getting tickled in all those television commercials, the Pillsbury Doughboy finally had enough. He launched a lawsuit against the perpetrators and following is the judgement of the Honourable Mr. Justice Baker.

This is an action for assault and battery by the Pillsbury Doughboy against John and Jane Dough.

For many years the Pillsbury Doughboy, who I would describe as a chubby and jolly gentleman pastry chef, has been doing television commercials touting Pillsbury's baked goods.

The plaintiff testified that at the end of each broadcast the defendants, or one of them, would sneak up and poke him in the stomach with their index fingers. The plaintiff alleges that this has been going on for years and that he has suffered immense damages.

In the words of the plaintiff, "Can't a doughboy just come out and talk about apple turnovers without getting poked in the belly? I've had it up to here." (I find it significant that in describing the alleged poking, the plaintiff pointed to the area about one inch above his navel.)

The defendants initially denied the allegations altogether. But after being confronted with the videos of the commercials, they pleaded that the poking was really only a mere tickle. Counsel for the defendant in fact read a passage of the famous case of Will the Village Idiot v. Hubbard et al., decided by Lord Coke in London in 1643 and cited as 76 Soda Pop Reports 2nd. edition, page 132. This was an assault action by Will against a handful of townsfolk. His Lordship held as follows:
And how does the law stand if a party takes one of his digits and presses it into his neighbour's tummy? Thusly. If a villain takes his finger and pokes the stomach of an innocent victim intending to humiliate or injure him, this is no good. Nay, a case of assault and battery has been made out and the defendant shall pay with his purse. But if the intention is to transact a "mere tickle" then no action lies. This is the well established principle legal maxim of "de tickles non curat lex," or the law does not concern itself with tickles.
In support of this proposition the defendants presented a number of videos showing that after each poke in the commercials, the plaintiff giggles, making a "hee hee" sound.

It is true indeed that he does emit a "hee hee" sound. But does this constitute the act as trivial, or rather as an actionable tickle?

I have examined the evidence carefully and there is no doubt in my mind that it has crossed the "mere tickle" threshold.

The defendants then argue that in fact the plaintiff has condoned the poking all these years. John Dough suggest that how was he to know that the plaintiff didn't like it?

The plaintiff's position is that he told the defendants many times to keep their hands off his dough. He also admonished them not to joke about his rotund frame, adding that he especially did not appreciate being called "Michelin Man" off camera.

There is no doubt here that we have a clear case of assault and batter. I should say battery. I will therefore now assess damages.

Physically the damages do not appear to be too immense. It is true, however, that as a result of all the poking the plaintiff has developed in the upper abdomen what could almost be described as a second belly button. His family doctor, the eminent Dr. Sun, says, "If there were to be another one of these holes, the doughboy would bear a close resemblance to a bowling ball."

There was also evidence of emotional trauma. Psychiatric evidence was tendered by Dr. Maurice LeMuffin, a specialist in the areas of emotional trauma caused by being poked by index fingers in the belly. Dr. LeMuffin's credentials were quite impressive: he reeived his training in Paris at the Sorbonne and Maxim's.

The good doctor indicated that getting poked or excessively tickled

 

"They laughed at Joan of Arc, but she went right ahead and built it. "

Gracie Allen

 

Thanks Shar Kida, after getting upset and telling you to talk to Kayla in a few threads, that meant alot to know you still missed me.

*sigh* and yes...

I even missed the ol'val.

Sue me.

 

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed man.

 

Boss: Who told you that just because I kissed you a couple of times you could neglect your work around here?
Secretary: My attorney.

 

Hermits have no peer pressure.

 

Ol'val.

A knight and his men returned to their castle after a hard day of fighting. "How are we faring?" asked the king.
"Sire," replied the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies to the west."
"What?" the king shrieked. "I don't have any enemies to the west."
"Oh," said the knight. "Well, now you do."

 

Did you do this by yourself while using this forum???

 

If you're a woman and a man asks you if he's your first, tell him, "You may be, you look familiar"

 

HOW TO COOK A THANKSGIVING TURKEY.........
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch)
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

 

An Oxford medical student dug up an ancient university regulation that said he was entitled to a pint of beer as refreshment while cramming for final exams. He was so persistent that the authorities finally gave in and provided him with his pint.
They also searched the regulations, and slapped on him a fine of 5 pounds for not wearing a sword.