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Topic:
Pocket Taser Stun Gun
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Minder
Title: Former FF City Rep Ottawa, ON
Registered:
May '02
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Date Posted:
3/6/06 1:15pm
Subject:
Pocket Taser Stun Gun
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My Army buddy sent me this, and I thought you needed to see it.
Yes I can see me doing this, and many of you would try it as well.
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety ... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries ... right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, #*^@$*!&$#@!@ *!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock,
Tommy
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GoddessJainaSoloFel
Title: FF Chapter Rep Montreal,QC Canada
Registered:
Nov '04
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Date Posted:
3/6/06 2:03pm
Subject:
RE: Pocket Taser Stun Gun
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I'm crying I'm laughing so hard!!!  I have so got to get one of these!!!!!!!!! I'm sorry for your friend but that was hysterical! So I know one side trip I want to take while in Ottawa now 
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~Thank You~ J/J/K ~ http://boards.theforce.net/Beyond_the_Saga/b10477/18221402/?80 Dark Lady at the DLC http://www.darklordscouncil.com XO - Kyp's Dozen - NJOFC, LEAD-Twin Suns SAFF Honorary member http://swendirect.com The voice of Star Wars Fandom
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Barefoot_XO
Registered:
Oct '04
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Date Posted:
3/6/06 4:40pm
Subject:
RE: Pocket Taser Stun Gun
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I can just see the poor man doing that...
I bet he wishes he'd used it on the cat now...
Simply shocking... 
Jasper 
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Coiner of the term, Kypocrite...
The Shoeless Sith
Tahiri and Jag: Tag, You're It!!!
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Rowan_Jade
Registered:
Nov '03
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Date Posted:
3/6/06 4:42pm
Subject:
RE: Pocket Taser Stun Gun
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Oh my GAWD!!!! I know him!!!!!
Okay, no I don't but I know people that would do this.
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"If you have legs and are flamable, you are not blocking the fire exit" -Mitch Hedberg
I am Evil, I am Old, I am YodaRo! Fear my snarkiness!
"You're insane you know." -everyone around me
Evil Old Wisdom Giver to the Maniac Mountain Clan
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VaderFanForever
Registered:
Feb '04
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Date Posted:
3/6/06 4:48pm
Subject:
RE: Pocket Taser Stun Gun
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I was laughing SO hard Elyse was wondering what I was doing!!
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501st Canadian Garrison
SL-1922
"You Don't know the Power of the Dark Side"
"Lord Vader...yes Master...Rise!"
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Adalia-Durron
Title: Oceania RSA
Registered:
Jun '03
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Date Posted:
3/6/06 5:37pm
Subject:
RE: Pocket Taser Stun Gun
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OMG!! LMAO!! A lesson well learned I would think!! Hysterical!!!
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New Jedi Order Fan Club - Grand Admiral
Wild Knightz Lead.
Age is part of what makes women beautiful, not an imperfection that needs to be corrected
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evil-incarnate
Title: Former CR, FF South Australia
Registered:
Jun '04
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Date Posted:
3/6/06 7:57pm
Subject:
RE: Pocket Taser Stun Gun
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I have to get myself one of those....
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Proudly Australian since 1967.
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Uilmuteiz
Title:
• French Canadian RSA
• Fan Audio
Registered:
Dec '00
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Date Posted:
3/6/06 8:21pm
Subject:
RE: Pocket Taser Stun Gun
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Trust me, get yourself a 9 volts square battery and one of those inverters for EL wires for Lightsaber crafting.
DO TRUST ME, it is quite.. shocking...
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Darsh Wwiiill [Mute] tezzzz
Thee who is not allowed to talk
Uilmuteiz Qur Nomar Enrixtoar
Quebec's Own RSA
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dashleebo
Registered:
Oct '03
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Date Posted:
3/6/06 9:54pm
Subject:
RE: Pocket Taser Stun Gun
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Lightsider
Proud SECC member
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AmberStarbright
Title: FF Halton Canada Banner Artist
Registered:
Dec '02
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Date Posted:
3/7/06 12:06am
Subject:
RE: Pocket Taser Stun Gun
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I want one of these!
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"There's enough filth on my robes without you touching them." I  Mike http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=501317463 Marauder
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starfire-phoenix
Registered:
Jan '04
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Date Posted:
3/7/06 2:07am
Subject:
RE: Pocket Taser Stun Gun
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Oh my! That's just... horrible..
Why oh why am I still laughing? lol
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Minder
Title: Former FF City Rep Ottawa, ON
Registered:
May '02
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Date Posted:
3/7/06 6:50am
Subject:
RE: Pocket Taser Stun Gun
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For me, the worst part about this is, I probably know about 10 guys (Ex army buddies) who would seriously think about doing this! 
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GoddessJainaSoloFel
Title: FF Chapter Rep Montreal,QC Canada
Registered:
Nov '04
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Date Posted:
3/7/06 9:06am
Subject:
RE: Pocket Taser Stun Gun
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My husband is in the army and I can just imagine him and his buddies thinking it would be harmless and trying it themselves! It still has me laughing!
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~Thank You~ J/J/K ~ http://boards.theforce.net/Beyond_the_Saga/b10477/18221402/?80 Dark Lady at the DLC http://www.darklordscouncil.com XO - Kyp's Dozen - NJOFC, LEAD-Twin Suns SAFF Honorary member http://swendirect.com The voice of Star Wars Fandom
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Jedi_Dajuan
Title: Mrs Hothie!
Registered:
Dec '02
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Date Posted:
3/7/06 10:19am
Subject:
RE: Pocket Taser Stun Gun
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Oh good gods. People at work are staring I'm laughing so hard.
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EV got me demoted, a winnar is him  "you will quickly be known as the cool teacher. just be sure to start of the clas by explaining to all students they are to address you as the admiral." -- jedi_knight_birr Ok, this is why evolution is bunk. You're
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mirax80
Title: Midwest RSA
Registered:
Aug '03
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Date Posted:
3/7/06 5:09pm
Subject:
RE: Pocket Taser Stun Gun
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OMG!
Best thing I've read in a long time!
Now I know not to mug myself!
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Do the floppy tuna! For Darth_Djinn- MEOW!!! Member of the Arch Club '06 "You're drunk on life? No, you're drunk on meat!" ~me to my boyfriend at Fogo de Chao Con Of The North: http://www.conofthenorth.org -official Pubs Peep!
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Lord_Ogli
Title: •Former FF-UK:N CR
FF-UK Trivia Winner
Registered:
Oct '01
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Date Posted:
3/8/06 8:34am
Subject:
RE: Pocket Taser Stun Gun
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