| Author |
Topic:
This is a rewrite of The Phantom Menace
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GODS-CHILD
Registered:
Jul '03
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Date Posted:
7/7 4:21pm
Subject:
This is a rewrite of The Phantom Menace
- Date Edited:
7/7 4:29pm (2 edits total)
Edited By:
Strilo
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This is a complete rewrite of TPM based off some of the ideas and complaints i posted earlier.
I have recieved STRILO blessing and I am only posting the beginning but I would like your feedback. Where would you like the story to go? What would like the characters to say ?
No I won't post this in CLASSIC stories because those are not about the actual screenplays but the characters involved.
Andrew.
Star Wars
Episode 1
Power of the Force
It is a great era in a time of both Alien and Human co-exist.
The Great Galactic Senate has a newly
Appointed Supreme Chancellor to preside over the Galaxy.
But for those who dissent from his election, the greedy Trade Alliance
Has blocked all starships from giving food to the small planet of Naboo
As the Senate debates this action, the Supreme Chancellor has secretly
Sent the Jedi Nights, Guardians of Peace and Justice, to negotiate a settlement…
A small Republic starship flies towards Naboo. It is a small and beautiful world, it is currently surrounded by a blockade of deadly starships.
The ship lands in a docking bay filled with droids. Spiders like droids are in ceiling. Other droids walk on five legs. Some move very little.
NUTE GUNRAY watches on a monitor.
The massive doors open up. The Jedi walk through the doorway.
“We are greatly honored by your visit; my master shall be with you shortly.”
The droid takes them to a room. The doors close.
Obi-Wan get his mic out.
Obi-Wan: Chancellor I’ve made contact with the Trade Federation!
Chancellor: Good, I knew I could count on you Obi-Wan. You are my favorite Jedi.
Obi-Wan: The planet Naboo is beautiful, I think political process should be shorter. (smiles)
Chancellor: Thank you you are a dependable Jedi and a loyal subject. I’ll be waiting for your signal.
NUTE GUNRAY watches from his screen.
NUTE: “Who is he talking to?”
DRIOD: “Who sir?”
NUTE: “Nevermind. Get me my special frequency. “
DRIOD: “Sir?”
NUTE: “What is it now?”
DRIOD: “The ambassador is a Jedi Knight!”
NUTE grows pale (or whatever color he is)
NUTE: “Are you certain?”
DRIOD: “He is carrying a lightsaber.”
NUTE: “The Chancellor has done this in secret! Blast him!”
NUTE paces back and forth.
NUTE: Get some food…distract them. (looks up) Go now!
The droid walks back with a tray of food.
Obi-Wan: Is it in their nature to make me wait so long?
DRIOD: Please be patient, my master will be with you shortly sir.
Obi-Wan sips some water.
Introducing Darth Sidious, a shadowy Hologram.
DARTH: What is it?
NUTE: Darth Sidious…the Chancellor has sent us a Jedi! We’re going to be found out!
DARTH: Your lack of conviction is disgusting. The Jedi cannot be aware of the situation. Kill him immediately!
NUTE: I am not a responsible for dealing out death!
DARTH: That is a big mistake on your part, Viceroy. Begin to land your troops. We must capture Queen Adamidis and you will play her into my hands.
NUTE: Yes, I will do as you wish my lord. The Jedi will be killed.
The hologram fades out.
The Republic Cruiser is sitting in the cargo bay. A gun torrent drops and blasts it hard, shattering it and killing the two crewmembers.
The Jedi leap up, light sabers blaring. Each is uniquely aware of the deaths of their crewmates. Suddenly the door slams shut and poison gas enters the room.
Obi-Wan: Gas!
He holds his breathe.
Outside.
NUTE GUNRAY: “Destroy what’s left of him”
The droids hesitate waiting for an order. They then activate the door. It opens and a stunned protocol droid stumbles through…
PROTOCOL DRIOD: “OH Excuse me…”
LEAD DRIOD: “Initiating destruction protocols!”
BATTLE DRIOD 2: “Rodger.”
Lightsaber hum; their crisp glow is seen and heard.
BATTLE DRIOD: Blast them!
The Jedi leaps out and slashes through the battle droids. They make little noises as they are destroyed in different ways. A group of droids run at them.
NUTE: What’s going on down there?
CREWMAN: WE lost the signal sir!
Obi-Wan fights for his life down the hall. The battle droids fall into sparks and sputter.
Obi-Wan charges the door, sinking his lightsaber in the bridge door.
NUTE: Seal the blast doors!
The blast doors seal shut.
Battle droids roll down the hallway and untangle.
Obi-Wan spins around to face-
DESTROYER DRIODS fireing large rounds at him.
He fends heavy fire, then he force run away like lightning…
OPERATOR: Sir, we’ve lost the Jedi. He might have gone up the ventilation shaft!
NUTE: Split them into groups, search the hallways!
But they are already too late.
Obi-Wan has snuck into another hanger. The poor remains of the smoldering ship is ignored, as legions of droids march in line to enter a giant landing craft.
Obi-Wan: This is insane! The federation wanted me dead not them!
The driods make clicking sounds as they fold into the craft.
<Sounds of heavy machinery moved>
Obi-Wan: I’m so sorry Captain. You died because of me.
Another battalion of droids march past. He ducks for cover.
Obi-Wan: (whispers to himself) Look like they are planning to invade. I guess the neogatations are over.
Obi-Wan: (on comlink) Channcelor do you copy? (Static) Channcelor??
Obi-Wan: Jamming
Obi-Wan: Blast the federation!
He sinlenty slinks behind boxes to the Cargo CARRIERS.
SCENE 3: IN the bridge of the battleship
NUTE is bowing low.
NUTE: The troops are landing on the surface now
DARTH: Well done Viceroy! Once we have taken control of the planet, we can begin useing minneing for Life Crystals, that will power an even larger army. We will have fleets. I have seen it. We can topple the new Channcelor and take the Republic by force!
NUTE: As you wish. And my portion sir?
DARTH: You will be my second and a powerful ally in the NEW REPUBLIC!
SCENE 2:
Naboo.
Beautiful Thebes palace.
SENATOR Palpatine is talking.
PALPATINE: What is going on? The negotiations haven’t started yet….must be negotiate...
(He fades out)
QUEEN: Senator!
C-3PO nervously fidgets behind her.
QUEEN: What’s happening?
TAMI: Check the transmission tower!
GUARD: Yes sir! (Guards goes to the outside)
BABBLE: I sense great danger! The Federation is behind this!
QUEEN: I am not so sure. Their motives are without reason.
TAMI: The Federation greed and frustration should be voiced on the Senate floor, not blockading a planet of peace.
GUARD runs in
GUARD: Sir! It’s everywhere! The Federation is jamming our planetary signal!
BABBLE: We have no army.
CAPTIAN PANAKA: If the Federation knocked out our communication we have no one to save us.
CUT TO:
Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi grabbing on the inside of a star freighter hunched down. . They are riding through the Planet’s atmosphere. They slowly but surely land on a hill top in the Naboian woods.
The birds and tress are being destroyed as the Federation ships onleash legions of battle droids and tanks.
COMMAND BUBBLE:
VICEROY: We have search the ship and there is no sign of the Jedi. He may of gotten on one of your landing ships.
COMMANDER: If he is here…we’ll destroy him.
VICEROY: Make sure nothing he's found! I want no loose ends.
The hologram fades.
Obi-Wan is being pursued by a large carrier. He moves quickly among the brush trying to outrun the massive craft. A large funny shaped creature is moving ahead of him frantic.
“Oh NOOOOOOO!” it screams. He tires to avoid it, shouting at it.
But it grabs him and starts hugging him they both fall and the craft rolls over them oblivious. There is a clearance and they both survive.
“You saved my life!”
“You almost got us killed are you brainless?”
“I speak! My name is Jar Jar Binks, I am intelligent!” the Creature protested. It is very tall and gangly.
“The ability to speak does not make you intelligent now get out of here!”
“I’m a creature of the Force.” Jar-Jar states.
Obi-Wan stops.
“You know of the Force!”
JAR-JAR: “I know it’s inside me. “
OBI-WAN: “Yes it’s inside all of us. Yes, can you take me to the capitol! I need to see the Queen, It’s very important!”
JAR-JAR: “Umm….”
JAR_JAR hesitates, “It’s a lonnng way!”
OBI_WAN: Jar-Jar please!”
Obi-Wan grabs his arm.
“I saved your life! You owe me!”
“Hammy!” Jar Jar thinks in his language…“If you are true to the Force you will help me get food for tomorrow and I help you today!”
Jar-Jar touches his belly. “I’m hungry!”
Obi-Wan grins. “I’ll get you enough food for two lifetimes if you take me to the Capitol!
Jar-Jar “Yours point is well seen! This way!” Jar-Jar heads further into the woods of Naboo. Obi-Wan reluctantly follow.
In Thebes, Droid armies descend unto the city capturing it.
Various scenes of people being herded into groups and taken to camps. Queen Admidlia watches silently by the window. One father protests as he separated from his children, he fights his droid captor. He runs to his kids breaking off his group. The droids coldly shoot him. Admidlia eyes go wide…behind her the door is breaking in.
Jar-Jar is still truncating through the woods.
Obi-Wan: How much further is this transport?
Jar-Jar: Here it is? Wes useag water craft.
A squid like craft is hoisted on the river.
Jar-Jar starts it and it begins a very fast movement upstream.
Underneath the water but moving fast with the river.
Obi-Wan: Are you aware of the Federation occupation of your planet?
Jar-Jar; Outlanders! Isa was having a normal day looking for food. Isa saw you and the army! Isa figured they were part of the Queen.
Obi-Wan: (laughs) They weren’t with the Queen that’s for sure.
Jar-Jar; Mesa see the Queen?
Obi-Wan: (slowly) Perhaps?
The Queen and her entourage is being lead down the stairs by a cocky looking Gunray
GUNRAY: I’m so pleased your are in one piece. We need you well, if you are going to sign a treaty legitimizing our occupation here.
QUEEN: I won’t cooperate.
GUNRAY: Now, now your highness, the deaths of your people will persuade you soon enough.
C3PO: Oh no!
GUNRAY: Commander, Process them
COMMANDER: Capt. Take them to camp 4!
Capt; Rodger, Rodger.
They are being lead down a narrow corridor. Obi-Wan lead by the force follows them, Jar-Jar snakes behind.
Obi-Wan and Jar-Jar leap down , destroying the droids with a twirl and a quick move.
Obi-Wan: We need to leave the streets your majesty!
Capt PANAKA: “Get their guns!”
Jar-Jar; Yousa guys bomb bad!”
Obi-Wan: I am an ambassador of the Supreme Chancellor-
BIBBLE: Your negotiations seem to have failed Ambassador
Obi-Wan: They locked me up and tried to take my life. It’s urgent I make contact with the Supreme Chancellors
Capt PANAKA: They’ve knocked our communications!
Obi-Wan: Do you have a starship?
Capt: In our main hangar this way!
They took off quickly and soar past Thebes and into the outer atomosphere.
Queen’s ship gets into a firefight, and takes heavy damage.
Jar-Jar flails around. R2 speeds into the cockpit and overrides the shields for the main power drive. They get a boost and soar past the blockade.
They speed away into the stars
PILOT: Our hyperdrive is damaged and leaking fuel.
PILOT looks back shaken.
PILOT: We're stuck here!
OBI-WAN: “It's over for now pilot."
The door whishes open. a dazed gungan hoops inside.
Jar-JAR: The Force saved me again!
Obi-Wan eyes him.
Obi-Wan: Who told you about the Force?
Jar-Jar; (laughs) All Gungans know the Force …it is in everything. It is the nature around us, for good ..and evil. But me not know about yousa..yousa bombad.
PANAKA: Is that what you are a Jedi Knight?
Obi-Wan: Yes, we are stewards. We use the the Force to help people and assist society.
Jar-Jar: we are safe?
Obi-Wan: For now indeed, and we're very alone.
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JEDIGUNSHIP
Registered:
May '08
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Date Posted:
7/7 4:23pm
Subject:
RE: This is rewrite of the Phatom Meance
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Actually, this would be better in the Saga forum. Just an idea.
-----signature-----
Blue and yellow make a green lightsaber. How do you get red out of blue?
Jedi Knight in the New Jedi Trials/ Commander of Phoenix Squadron in the Rebel Alliance
Host of the "100 Greatest Animated Cartoons" Countdown in the Amphitheatre
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Strilo
Title: PT Manager
aka Dr. John Dorian
Registered:
Aug '01
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Date Posted:
7/7 4:28pm
Subject:
RE: This is rewrite of the Phatom Meance
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GODS-CHILD posted:
I have recieved STRILO blessing
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#1 on iTunes Most Played: R.E.M. "Imitation of Life"
#1 on iTunes Film Scores: Harry Potter "A Window to the Past"
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"You wonder if your chance will ever come
Or if you're stuck in square one."
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GODS-CHILD
Registered:
Jul '03
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Date Posted:
7/7 4:39pm
Subject:
RE: This is a rewrite of The Phantom Menace
- Date Edited:
7/7 4:41pm (1 edits total)
Edited By:
GODS-CHILD
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Hmm okay I know this is all based off Lucas orginal work. It's just a dream of some fans.
I know in regards to the one comment, this so lengthy. Maybe you can just give me some feedback and I can repost it there.
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Strilo
Title: PT Manager
aka Dr. John Dorian
Registered:
Aug '01
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Date Posted:
7/7 4:53pm
Subject:
RE: This is a rewrite of The Phantom Menace
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Do not listen to him, you can post it here like I said you could.
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#1 on iTunes Most Played: R.E.M. "Imitation of Life"
#1 on iTunes Film Scores: Harry Potter "A Window to the Past"
* * * * * *
"You wonder if your chance will ever come
Or if you're stuck in square one."
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SithStarSlayer
Registered:
Oct '03
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Date Posted:
7/7 5:03pm
Subject:
RE: This is a rewrite of The Phantom Menace
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I'm looking forward to the end...
Does Maul live? Or does he die again?
Don't answer, I'll wait to find out as the story goes.
My score for your writing totally depends on Maul's fate.
-----signature-----
Lucas didn't ruin my childhood, but he sure wrecked Vader's
Foolish men mistake transitory semblance for eternal fact
Practice makes perfect, so be careful what you practice
Tolerance is for people who lack moral conviction
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JEDIGUNSHIP
Registered:
May '08
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Date Posted:
7/7 5:13pm
Subject:
RE: This is a rewrite of The Phantom Menace
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Strilo posted:
Do not listen to him, you can post it here like I said you could.
Is this something against me? 
-----signature-----
Blue and yellow make a green lightsaber. How do you get red out of blue?
Jedi Knight in the New Jedi Trials/ Commander of Phoenix Squadron in the Rebel Alliance
Host of the "100 Greatest Animated Cartoons" Countdown in the Amphitheatre
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Strilo
Title: PT Manager
aka Dr. John Dorian
Registered:
Aug '01
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Date Posted:
7/7 5:16pm
Subject:
RE: This is a rewrite of The Phantom Menace
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In a way. You should leave the moderating to the mods, especially when a user says they have mod approval for a thread. 
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#1 on iTunes Most Played: R.E.M. "Imitation of Life"
#1 on iTunes Film Scores: Harry Potter "A Window to the Past"
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"You wonder if your chance will ever come
Or if you're stuck in square one."
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EECHUUTA
Registered:
Mar '07
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Date Posted:
7/7 7:17pm
Subject:
RE: This is a rewrite of The Phantom Menace
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I'm looking forward to see how this all turns out. 
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GODS-CHILD
Registered:
Jul '03
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Date Posted:
7/7 8:43pm
Subject:
RE: This is a rewrite of The Phantom Menace
- Date Edited:
7/7 8:46pm (1 edits total)
Edited By:
GODS-CHILD
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They speed away into the stars
PILOT: Not enough power to get us to Courascant, our hyperdrive is leaking, probably damaged.
OBI-WAN: Let’s hope you can fix it, pilot.
PILOT exchanges glances with Panaka.
PILOT: Right on it sir! (wipes the sweat from his bro) Some chase eh?
OBI-Wan: It was an amazing firefight. We barley got out alive.
OBI-Wan: (to R2) Thank you little friend.
R2 beeps in appreciation.
The door whishes open. a dazed gungan hoops inside.
Obi-Wan: Are you okay Jar-Jar?
JAR-JAR: Mesa liked it back on Naboo
Obi-Wan and Panka share a laugh.
Obi-Wan (smiles): Back on Naboo, who was it that told you about the Force?
Jar-Jar: I dunno the Gungans gods! They wrote of an incredible energy field around all things....are we safe?
Obi-Wan: For now indeed, (breathes out) we are very safe and very alone.
WIPE TO Thebes it is twilight and the Moon is visible.
DARTH: VICEROY, and the Queen has she signed the treaty!
VICEROY: She has escaped us….one Naboo cruiser got past the blockade. We damaged the ship’s engines! But they got away anyhow. The Jedi must be helping them…
DARTH: I have an appetence Darth Maul. He will find your lost Queen.
VICEROY: (mutters) in his language and passes the empty Palace. A small trope of guards droids follow him.
DARTH holograms disappear leaving silence in the Palace.
SCENE:
The ship simply drifts through space. A small trail of fuel naked to the human eye is leaking from the ship. The scruffy balding pilot is giving a speech to the Queen on their status:
The Pilot: The hyperdrive is badly damaged and leaking. We can’t go into hyperspace or anywhere far in this condition.
The Queen: I understand. We need to find a small moon or a space port to refuel the ship.
PILOT: We’ve searched. Naboo is far away from civilized worlds. Probably why the Federation picked us. There are planets around us now, but they are mostly unhabitable for human life. Just about the only close habitable planet is Tattione and their ports are controlled by Jabba the Hutt.
QUEEN: That’s our only choice Tattione and Jabba the Hutt?
Captain Panaka: It looks like it your majesty.
Obi-Wan furrows his brow, rubbing his beard.
Obi-Wan: There must be another way.
Queen: Opinions Jedi?
Obi-Wan: I say we wait. Continue to scan worlds that are habitable . Put out a distress beacon to ANY passing Republic ship.
The Queen nods.
Panaka: Wait, what if the Federation comes looking for us?
Obi-Wan: That’s a risk we must take.
Queen: Must WE?
She scans her handmaidens. Silence, then one nods.
Queen: I guess it's a risk for us all then. Proceed!
Darth Maul is mediating. Silence. The door slides open his Master enters softly and waits. He does not feel it is wise to sneak up on a Sith Lord.
Darth Maul opens his jagged red eyes. He breathes deeply in meditation.
Darth Maul: Yes Master?
Darth Sidious: How often I have watched you. Watched you grow as a warrior. Watch you go from a pup to a full grown man, willing to fight a legion of those weaklings Jedi. Rise, and tell me of your searching and thoughts of your mind.
Darth Maul: Deep hatred for all men.
Darth Sidious cackles in laughter.
Darth Maul: I…. know to locate the lost ship.
Darth Sidious: Tell me!
Darth Maul: The ship engines is damaged according to the Viceroy. Therefore, their fuel is leaking and with a damaged hyperdrive they are probably still within the Outer Rim area.
Darth Sidious: Good, I can feel your wisdom. Now, go and subue them my apprentice. Kill her faithful Jedi and capture the Queen.
Darth Maul: At last we reveal ourselves to the Jedi, at last we will have revenge.
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DARTH-SMELLY-FEET
Registered:
Nov '07
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Date Posted:
7/8 5:33am
Subject:
RE: This is a rewrite of The Phantom Menace
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Gods-Child thats some really cool writing you've got going on there. I'm looking forward to seeing the rest of it. Great job.
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Time is a great teacher, pity it kills all of its students.
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EECHUUTA
Registered:
Mar '07
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Date Posted:
7/8 8:17am
Subject:
RE: This is a rewrite of The Phantom Menace
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Yes indeed.
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ShaneP
Registered:
Mar '01
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Date Posted:
7/8 4:39pm
Subject:
RE: This is a rewrite of The Phantom Menace
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sith star slayer
I'm looking forward to the end...
Does Maul live? Or does he die again?
Ever the faithful Maul-ite
-----signature-----
It was as if a million middle-aged virgins just farted with rage and were suddenly silenced.
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SithStarSlayer
Registered:
Oct '03
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Date Posted:
7/8 4:55pm
Subject:
RE: This is a rewrite of The Phantom Menace
- Date Edited:
7/8 4:59pm (1 edits total)
Edited By:
SithStarSlayer
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What gave it away? 
"My score for your writing totally depends on Maul's fate."
Alas, I am one the last of a dying breed...
-----signature-----
Lucas didn't ruin my childhood, but he sure wrecked Vader's
Foolish men mistake transitory semblance for eternal fact
Practice makes perfect, so be careful what you practice
Tolerance is for people who lack moral conviction
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ShaneP
Registered:
Mar '01
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Date Posted:
7/8 5:01pm
Subject:
RE: This is a rewrite of The Phantom Menace
- Date Edited:
7/8 5:02pm (1 edits total)
Edited By:
ShaneP
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Although not as dedicated as you, I completely agree.
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It was as if a million middle-aged virgins just farted with rage and were suddenly silenced.
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Dark_Jedi_Kenobi
Title: Manager:
• Prequel Trilogy
Registered:
Oct '04
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Date Posted:
7/8 5:44pm
Subject:
RE: This is a rewrite of The Phantom Menace
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Nice looking start GODS-CHILD, I look forward to more.
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***Host of the PT Trivia Challenge Game 12: Question 10 Posted!*** http://boards.theforce.net/prequel_trilogy/b10669/23314477/p4/?184
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