Mitth_Fisto posted:

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Okay, I'm a member (See I read, sometimes:P) and I'm pretty sure this is going to get rave cretics so here it goes.

Name: J9-85 (AteHive)
Gender: Drone/In flux based on colony stratification and social justifications.
Age: Undetermined, approximately 60
Species: Droid
Homeworld: Roche
Affiliation: Droids/Self/Master(If applicable)
Personality
---Traits: Though admititably loyal, still has hive/insectoid based core programing. I would imagine he would have a lot more traits than this, even if he is just a droid.
---Likes: Computer codes, being of service to the hive. He would have more likes than this for the same reason I mentioned above
---Dislikes: Mistreated or oppressed droids being tasked beneath their station, and those largely responsible for such misguided and abusive uses. [color=darkblue}Once again...read above.[/color]
---Habits: Never stands still, always looking around. While he IS a droid, I would imagine he would have some better habits than this. Pretty much any droid is going to stand around. Does he have any habits that are quirky? Something that makes him a bit more unique than any other droid of his series?
Appearance
---Skin Plating Color: Tarnished/grungy mustard yellow(To human based eyes, highly excentuated in colors to Verpine spectrum)
---Photoreceptor Color: One-way Black Protective casing
---Other Attributes: Extensive knowledge of computer, ship, languages, and droids.
---Other Details: Has integrated components, legs where replaced with a Roche's 8D8 smelter droids. Also has incorporated one small internal smuggling compartment, and has a an attached backpack (Think B1 model for size and outward appearance) for extended comm capabilities and storage, and a multipurpose information sockets inside the palm of each manipulator.
---Weapons: Not that kind of droid, beyond a basic C-22 flame pistol usually kept in the backpack.
Biography
---Personal History: To long and twisted to bore the common uninprisoned audience. Ammended is the Readers Regurgitation version.
Being the 85th off the production line has its perks, most of the earlier bugs from prototypes have been worked out of the programing and parts, and just enough deeper quirks remain to yet be uncovered in the programing of personality. After an inability to be sold due to large missunderstandings What misunderstandings? by other sentients and a couple years of work programing other droids within one of the Roche asteroid hives 85 was acquired in lot with a hundred other operational members by an up and coming underground criminal organization. What organization? Black Sun? The exchange? After a short term in service and change of leadership 85 was relocated along with thirty other J9 units to an undisclosed location for 'mixing' as a favor for a hidden informate of the organization. During the mission it was one of the few left active to help in the running of the ship and caretaking/spying on the 'delegation' they were transporting to on eof their colonies, an imbargoed CSA controlled planet. Due to a hip failure during the mission 85 was unable to be mixed with the crystaline sentience that was borne that day. The captain of the vessel kept 85 onboard ship and replaced his failed locamotion capabilities with that of an 8D8 unit, and continued with fiddling with upgrades ever since. After retireing for personal reasons the captain took the droid with him in relocating to the Trianii Rangers base where he and his wife raised the lost. After many years and upgrades and experiments later whilst in the droid rare enviroment of the Trianii and their attitude to droids his quirkes excentuated into his current personallity and outlook at treatment of droids by organics in the galaxy, views he hopes to someday share.
---Traumatic Experiences: A droid of a predominately failed model line. A flawed and failed experiment into protocal droids.

Well? Terrible?

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Kev-Mas_Colcha posted:

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Okay, this is possibly the first time I've actually listened to you, LW. I have fixed the character, as according to your suggestions, or so I think...

Name: Kev-Mas Colcha
Date of Birth: 39 BBY
Gender: Male
Species: Human
Appearance:

-Height: 1.85 meters
-Eye Color: Red (Cybernetic Implants) In all honesty.....why? Do you want people to go "OMG!! RED EYES!!!!! HE"S TEH KOOL AND I M NOT WERTHIE!!!!!" Or does this actually have something to do with the character? If it has something to do with the character, you need to explain this in your biography so people aren't asking the question of how the heck your character got red eye implants and why.
-Hair Color: Black
Weapons: 2 Red Lightsabers, the Force
Personality and Traits: A control freak of sorts who often lets his anger and emotions get the best of him. So he just runs around lopping people's heads off and controlling things? Come on, you need more traits than this. Dade is arrogant, but that's not the only trait I'm gonna put down. Kev MUST have more traits that just "Control Freak and Angry guy." What weaknesses, strengths, habits, likes and dislikes does he have?
Goals/Beliefs: To help others to the best of his ability, without the limitations of the Jedi Philosophy, and the perversion of the philosophy of the Dark Side. He does this due to his views of how everything went wrong with Galactic History in the past. He believes that there should never have been a Clone Wars, and that it was only a war to set the stage for a corrupt Empire at the hands of an evil Sith Lord and his brainwashed fallen Jedi Goon. Furthermore, he is a staunch opponent of corruption, especially used as a tool to gain a following. Why? People don't just have beliefs for no reason.
Skills and Talents: Kev-Mas is a skillful practitioner in Lightsaber Combat and the Force, as well as being adept at Piloting and Tactics. He employs the hybridized Umm...this isn't a word. Why not just say "His employs various techniques from blah blah blah." Lets not make up words. That makes Dade's brain hurt. form he developed from Forms V, III and VII to great effectiveness. Kev-Mas, also is highly skilled in the use of offensive Force Powers, such as Force Lightning and Force Destruction. He uses these talents in areas that are more combat oriented to fulfill his goals. ....As opposed to what? Using them to cook? "He uses force lightning to make his extremely famous Chicken and Bantha dish that has been praised as being the best food ever!!" Come on. You don't need to put down the obvious. Also, I would imagine that he would have other talents outside of combat.
Biography:

Jedi Training

Kev-Mas, found easily by the Jedi on Coruscant, as it was the same planet where the Jedi Temple resided, began his training as a Jedi at an early age. He, however, was not the best Jedi, and struggled with many things, including Attachment, Anger, and Frustration, which were labeled as Dark Side feelings. Nonetheless, he was a great asset to the Jedi on the battlefields of the Clone Wars, where he had won the Republic countless battles as a mere Padawan. And then he bought a Krayt Dragon and then he built his own ship, and then he became a master at age 15, and then took over the galaxy? Come on, man. You know that winning battles as a padawan isn't realistic. Unless of course you're Anakin Skywalker...but you're not. And there's only going to be ONE Anakin Skywalker in the SW galaxy, kthnxbai. ^_^

Jedi Purge

However, Kev-Mas’ career as a Jedi ended when he was 20 years old, and a Jedi Padawan, turned rogue. He became a victim of the lure of the Dark Side, after a post-purge confrontation with his old master that pushed him over the edge. He also lost his sight in this incident, having been made a victim to Force Blinding by his master. How? Why? Who was his master? Did his master just go "hmm...I think I'll try to kill my padawan today...? No, I don't think so.

He was eventually found by the Imperial Inquisitorius, who gave him a pair of cybernetic eyes, and his sight back, in exchange for his loyalty. Additionally, he was ordered to find and kill his Master as his first mission, a test for him to show his loyalty in.

He proved to be faithful, and fought his master, who had previously been exhausted from running from Imperial Forces, in a climactic Lightsaber duel. He killed his master in the duel, and continued his fall to the darkside. And then he blew up the death star with his eyes!!!!! Come on, man. Be realistic. Put some more detail here. He's not going to just up and be able to kill his master. Also, I doubt it was a climactic lightsaber duel unless people were watching and buying popcorn. Both of them arent going to be going "Wow! This is exciting and thrilling and such a great climax to a series of previous events!" If he was fighting a master duelist, it would most likely be a length and exhausting lightsaber duel, but not climactic. Unless of course, they were making a movie.

Inquisitorial Career, and Revelation in the Force

Shortly after the destruction of the first Death Star, Kev-Mas had proven to be quite a successful Inquisitor, ascending to the rank of High Inquisitor over the past 19 years. Where's everything else? You skipped 19 years of detail! Did he disappear into a time-warp?

Kev-Mas, later came across a Jedi Master, who, could harness the Force as a whole. The Jedi had somehow found a way to harness Dark Arts while still maintaining control over himself, although was more aggressive than a Jedi. Obviously, Kev-Mas tried to kill him or capture him. Really? In this time of galactic history, a Jedi Master was just strolling along practicing the dark side, and whistling a jumpy tune? Despite what you may think Kev, Sith and Jedi don't have "Sith" or "Jedi" tattooed across their foreheads. He probably wouldn't be dressed in Jedi Robes, unless of course he was extremely stupid. In which case, he wouldn't have survived for twenty years without being killed by Vader.

He proved to be too difficult. Kev-Mas, beaten and bruised, his will to fight crushed, asked this Jedi how he had been able to escape all this time, and beat him, yet not kill him. He replied, mysteriously, “In time you will know too,” and then vanished.

Redemption

5 years later, Kev-Mas Colcha was no longer tied to the Empire, after the Inquisitorius was dissolved with the Battle of Endor. And that was it? He just sat there and did nothing for 5 years and then stood up at the battle of Endor and then sat back down and did nothing for another 5 years?

6 years after that, Kev-Mas, still consumed by the Dark Side, still having feelings of hatred towards the Jedi for abandoning him, was confronted by Luke Skywalker, who broke his connection with the Dark Side, by cutting off its fuel.The force has fuel? Ummm...not that I know of. In a ferocious duel, in which Kev-Mas was obviously not prepared for, was told that it was he who abandoned the Jedi, and he forgave him for his actions on their behalf.So Luke Skywalker knew of him, despite the fact that there would have been no record of him? Not listening at first, Kev-Mas continued on the fight, advancing on Luke, who simply, deflecting all of his blows, knocked him down to the edge of a cliff, and then Luke simply left him to die. First of all, I'm not a big fan of Character Sheets that are like "And then I met this Canon character and then this one, and then me and Yoda went out for drinks and then I got married to Aayla Secura and then we had a ton of babies and..." without any basis. Why would Luke Skywalker confront him? It would be very doubtful that Skywalker would know of him. And if he did know of him, how?

However, while Kev-Mas was holding on for dear life, he began to contemplate what Luke had said to him. Maybe it was he who abandoned the Jedi, and not the other way around. Maybe he had became exactly what he had sworn to destroy? Not wanting to live with his mistakes, he pushed off of the ledge, and fell to meet his doom. Or, a new life.

A new life

However, Kev-Mas was immediately caught falling in the air by someone who had been waiting for him, and who had been watching the entire duel between him and Luke. This person was the exact same “Jedi Master” he had failed to kill before, the one who had been able to harness the Darkside without falling to it. ....Was this Jedi Master wearing a red and blue suit with a large S printed on it by any chance? How was he waiting in the air? This is just a bit TOO ridiculous.

This man, then took the unconscious Kev-Mas to his ship, and there he healed him, and tended to his wounds.

Immediately after that, the man’s identity was revealed. He was Dade Leviathan, who said he was older than Yoda himself, however not looking like it. While I have no qualms about you using Dade in your sheet, how about you don't make him out to be a God with a lightsaber. He's obviously just not to come up and say "Hey, I'm Dade. I'm older than Yoda. How are you?" Obviously they are going to have some sort of converations. He told Kev-Mas that he was a Jedi By this time in history, Dade hadn't been a true Jedi for over 500 years., who had been training in hiding for around a thousand years in the force and had learned to use the Darkside without falling to it, explaining that when used correctly, the Darkside could be used to help others, instead of hurt them. Actually, he would probably take the view that there was no dark side and that there were no inherently good or evil powers, that it was how you used them that mattered. He might then say that the Dark Side could then be used to help others, however, he wouldn't put it the way you have it.

Kev-Mas was shocked when he heard this, and asked him immediately why he had saved him. Dade answered, referring to their first encounter that he had made him a promise, and he wasn’t someone to break a promise.

That promise, was to learn how to harness his emotions, even the ones that the Jedi say lead to the Dark Side, to help others, without falling to the Dark Side.

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Kev-Mas_Colcha posted:

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Okay, this is possibly the first time I've actually listened to you, LW. I have fixed the character, as according to your suggestions, or so I think...

Skills and Talents: Kev-Mas is a skillful practitioner in Lightsaber Combat and the Force, as well as being adept at Piloting and Tactics. He employs the hybridized form he developed from Forms V, III and VII to great effectiveness. Kev-Mas, also is highly skilled in the use of offensive Force Powers, such as Force Lightning and Force Destruction. He uses these talents in areas that are more combat oriented to fulfill his goals.

Okay, a couple of questions:
(1) Why is it that everyone in the Jedi Order seems to know Form VII? Vaapad was a creation of Mace Windu. It was not for general instruction. Windu was (in Matthew Stover's words) "its only living master", and he is known only to have taught it to two people: Sora Bulq and Depa Billaba, both either Windu's padawans or his very close friends. Both fell to the Dark Side rather quickly as a result of its use. Form VII is the atom bomb of lightsaber styles -- its use is not taught other than to the very finest students and masters, and then only those who are under Windu's close supervision. No texts on its use remain, if indeed Windu ever wrote anything about it down -- and you can bet your bottom dollar the Emperor wouldn't have trained anyone in it given how close he came to getting his butt kicked when Windu was using it. More to the point, it's unlikely Palpatine even knew it or any way to counter it, given he lost to Windu. And then incorporating it as an element of a lightsaber style is even more ludicrous, IMHHO: Mace Windu, the pre-eminent bladesman of the Order, used nothing but Form VII -- it is a total lightsaber style because of its mindset, not simply a set of moves. It smells like "I want a style which has no weaknesses at all", which is impossible because any lightsaber style will have a weakness of one kind or another.
(2) Adept at Piloting and Tactics. Where did he get the opportunity to do this - in particular the tactics part? When was he leading battalions of troops across battlefields? He was only a padawan during the Clone Wars. Inquisitors generally don't command legions, either: they generally are about infiltration, investigation, and assassination, not leading the 501st into battle.

Biography:

Jedi Training

Kev-Mas, found easily by the Jedi on Coruscant, as it was the same planet where the Jedi Temple resided, began his training as a Jedi at an early age. He, however, was not the best Jedi, and struggled with many things, including Attachment, Anger, and Frustration, which were labeled as Dark Side feelings. Nonetheless, he was a great asset to the Jedi on the battlefields of the Clone Wars, where he had won the Republic countless battles as a mere Padawan.Again, where is the justification for putting the lives of a couple hundred clone troopers into the hands of an 18-19 year old apprentice? Who was his Master, and how did he end up on his own to lead said troopers?

Jedi Purge

However, Kev-Mas’ career as a Jedi ended when he was 20 years old, and a Jedi Padawan, turned rogue. He became a victim of the lure of the Dark Side, after a post-purge confrontation with his old master that pushed him over the edge. He also lost his sight in this incident, having been made a victim to Force Blinding by his master.Okay, so he lost his sight -- and how, pray tell, did he then go on to defeat or even get away from his old Jedi Master, who presumably knows every technique his padawan does since he trained him in every one of them? Just because you've got the Dark Side doesn't mean you autowin over your old master. See: Obi-Wan Kenobi for details.

He was eventually found by the Imperial Inquisitorius, who gave him a pair of cybernetic eyes, and his sight back, in exchange for his loyalty. Additionally, he was ordered to find and kill his Master as his first mission, a test for him to show his loyalty in.If he was managing to get by without his eyes, why would he want to join the inquisitors? And why would he inherit a pathological Jedi-killing desire without the corresponding past of harsh treatment by the Jedi to trigger it?

He proved to be faithful, and fought his master, who had previously been exhausted from running from Imperial Forces, in a climactic Lightsaber duel. He killed his master in the duel, and continued his fall to the darkside.Not every darksider has to be Darth Vader, you know.

Inquisitorial Career, and Revelation in the Force

Shortly after the destruction of the first Death Star, Kev-Mas had proven to be quite a successful Inquisitor, ascending to the rank of High Inquisitor over the past 19 years.

Kev-Mas, later came across a Jedi Master, who, could harness the Force as a whole. The Jedi had somehow found a way to harness Dark Arts while still maintaining control over himself, although was more aggressive than a Jedi. Obviously, Kev-Mas tried to kill him or capture him.

He proved to be too difficult. Kev-Mas, beaten and bruised, his will to fight crushed, asked this Jedi how he had been able to escape all this time, and beat him, yet not kill him. He replied, mysteriously, “In time you will know too,” and then vanished.

Redemption

5 years later, Kev-Mas Colcha was no longer tied to the Empire, after the Inquisitorius was dissolved with the Battle of Endor.And what was Kev-Mas doing afterwards? Playing cards? Leading counterrevolutions? Knitting?

6 years after that, Kev-Mas, still consumed by the Dark Side, still having feelings of hatred towards the Jedi for abandoning him, was confronted by Luke Skywalker, who broke his connection with the Dark Side, by cutting off its fuel. In a ferocious duel, in which Kev-Mas was obviously not prepared for, was told that it was he who abandoned the Jedi, and he forgave him for his actions on their behalf. Not listening at first, Kev-Mas continued on the fight, advancing on Luke, who simply, deflecting all of his blows, knocked him down to the edge of a cliff, and then Luke simply left him to die.Whoa...nasty godmode on Luke's character there. Skywalker only ever did that kind of crap when he was really pushed to the outer limits of his endurance, and as far as I remember was never that callous. You're suggesting Luke was channelling Ben here, and I think the whole point of the OT compared to the PT was to show Luke wasn't like his father or Obi-Wan Kenobi.

However, while Kev-Mas was holding on for dear life, he began to contemplate what Luke had said to him. Maybe it was he who abandoned the Jedi, and not the other way around. Maybe he had became exactly what he had sworn to destroy? Not wanting to live with his mistakes, he pushed off of the ledge, and fell to meet his doom. Or, a new life.

A new life

However, Kev-Mas was immediately caught falling in the air by someone who had been waiting for him, and who had been watching the entire duel between him and Luke. This person was the exact same “Jedi Master” he had failed to kill before, the one who had been able to harness the Darkside without falling to it.Leaving aside the levitation trick, Question: why is it that a Mysterious Master of Teh Force United can only take on a student who's had the crap kicked out of him by a Jedi or Sith Master? Answer: because it's needlessly dramatic.

This man, then took the unconscious Kev-Mas to his ship, and there he healed him, and tended to his wounds.

Immediately after that, the man’s identity was revealed. He was Dade Leviathan, who said he was older than Yoda himself, however not looking like it. He told Kev-Mas that he, was a Jedi, who had been training in hiding for around a thousand years in the force and had learned to use the Darkside without falling to it, explaining that when used correctly, the Darkside could be used to help others, instead of hurt them.Unless he really knew how to hide himself plausibly from the various sights of both the Jedi and the Emperor, somebody would've come looking for him long before now. The old K'Kruhk "ultimate survivor" trick was always more by way of an in-joke resulting from an in-universe inconsistency, not because it's a common thing. Moreover the "longlived" thing is actually a perversion of the Force. Yoda says as much: "Twilight is upon me, and soon night must fall. That is the way of things - the way of the Force." And explain to me again how, while Yoda stuck to the Light Side for a good 800 years and still wound up looking like a crumpled old salamander, and Palpatine also looked like Death warmed up after only 60ish years, this Master is able to transcend both Light and Dark sides' inability to deal with ageing?

Kev-Mas was shocked when he heard this, and asked him immediately why he had saved him. Dade answered, referring to their first encounter that he had made him a promise, and he wasn’t someone to break a promise.

That promise, was to learn how to harness his emotions, even the ones that the Jedi say lead to the Dark Side, to help others, without falling to the Dark Side.

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Kev-Mas_Colcha posted:

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9. He knew Midichlorian Manipulation, which in this case, eliminates the effects of aging permanently. And, in Yoda's case, he died because of old age. That's how long his unknown species lives.

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LightWarden posted:

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Kev-Mas_Colcha posted:

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9. He knew Midichlorian Manipulation, which in this case, eliminates the effects of aging permanently. And, in Yoda's case, he died because of old age. That's how long his unknown species lives.

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Funny how humans only manage to live for a century or so... not ten. Face it, making your character immortal is usually a sign of some sort of sheltering. It's also a major flag for wish-fulfillment characters. And no one ever gets the Tithonus deal when it comes to immortality, they always manage to get both eternal life and eternal youth. They get to be eternally hip and sexy and happening forever and always.

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MarcusDade posted:

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First of all, LW, it's my character he's borrowing, so don't go ripping apart one of my characters without reading their character sheet, k? Dade has a very long character sheet which details in many ways his various amount of flaws, how he learned midichlorian manipulation, etc etc. Furthermore, Dade is certainly not eternally hip and sexy, he's extremely arrogant, with a slew of other flaws. So before you get your whole "holy crap, you're dumb" kick going on, remember that you haven't read his sheet, and as such you don't know the circumstances. Also I've told Kev he needs to change it as it is right now, because he makes Dade look much more perfect than he is. However, I did give him permission to use my character in his sheet.

When I get around to finishing Dade's new character sheet and post it here, you're more than welcome to rip it apart then if you in your infinite wisdom find something wrong with it.

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LightWarden posted:

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LightWarden posted:

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MarcusDade posted:

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First of all, LW, it's my character he's borrowing, so don't go ripping apart one of my characters without reading their character sheet, k? Dade has a very long character sheet which details in many ways his various amount of flaws, how he learned midichlorian manipulation, etc etc. Furthermore, Dade is certainly not eternally hip and sexy, he's extremely arrogant, with a slew of other flaws. So before you get your whole "holy crap, you're dumb" kick going on, remember that you haven't read his sheet, and as such you don't know the circumstances. Also I've told Kev he needs to change it as it is right now, because he makes Dade look much more perfect than he is. However, I did give him permission to use my character in his sheet.

When I get around to finishing Dade's new character sheet and post it here, you're more than welcome to rip it apart then if you in your infinite wisdom find something wrong with it.

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Same guy?

Anyways, calm down. Longevity is a very tricky thing, especially when it's given to something that normally isn't long-lived. When poorly done (which is to say, most of the time), it seems more like a crutch to keep the character going. In any case, it's one of the numerous character backgrounds which come with a "warning, make sure you think this one through really carefully" label attached to it, which most people seem to ignore in favor of being able to have their favorite characters around forever.

Another warning sign is when people are hyper-protective of their characters. There really isn't any way to phrase this so that it doesn't come out as a dig, but it's not directed specifically at you. I've noticed that people who share user names with character names tend to rather closely identify with their characters, to the point where criticism of the character is seen as a personal attack. While this may make for pretty good personal fantasy, it tends to turn audiences off if you're incredibly close to your characters, which isn't really good if you're writing for a group or an audience.

Please don't assume that I think I'm some kind of supreme being here, it's really not what I'm out to do. I know I've seen characters who are capable of really capturing the audience's affection, they make the audience want to follow along, see what happens, and feel some degree of empathy. I want to see more of that, I want to do more of that, I want to see and make characters who are capable of making the audience buy into the illusion, or at least prove to entertaining and enjoyable.

Unfortunately, every time I ask for people to post examples of good roleplaying and enjoyable moments, I get a small choir of crickets and a stampede of tumbleweed. It's only when I critique people that I seem to get anything near a response for some reason. So let's hear it for better living through misanthropy.

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