| Author |
Topic:
Star Wars Episode 1 and a Half by the Padawan Pack
|
LuminaraFan4Evr
Registered:
Sep '06
|
Date Posted:
11/15/06 3:44pm
Subject:
Star Wars Episode 1 and a Half by the Padawan Pack
|
Star Wars Episode 1 ½: The Strange, Slightly Demented, Extremely Random Tale Of How Four Jedi and a Baby, Plus a Toydarian, Rescue a Princess From a Giant, Evil, Slimy, Sith Worm, While Simultaneously Dealing With M’nush, Being Captured Multiple Times (Mostly by Said Giant, Evil, Slimy, Sith Worm), Several Very Disturbing Obi-Robots, Plus a Wat-Robot and an Evil Toydarian Twin Who Has Magical Powers
By the Padawan Pack (which includes me... duh)
Chapter 1: The Decoy
“Wait for me!” Anakin called after his Jedi Master, Obi-Wan Kenobi. The
two Jedi ran as quickly as they could along a cliff away from the gigantic
starship firing lasers at them.
“I can’t wait, I might get blown up! Come on and run faster!” Obi-Wan
yelled back.
“Gee, thanks for your help,” Anakin said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.
Then, suddenly the laser fire stopped, and so did the two Jedi.
“I hate it when they just stop like that for no reason,” Obi-Wan grumbled.
“Oh, come on, Master, that’s what adds all the fun, the surprise attacks,”
Anakin replied.
“Do you know what the Council would say to that?” Obi-Wan asked, fighting
a smile.
“Yes, I know exactly what they would say. They would say that I had lost
my mind,” Anakin said sarcastically.
“The sad thing is, they’d be right,” Obi-Wan laughed.
“Well, you must be seriously mad to be teaching me,” said Anakin
sarcastically.
“Well, thanks, I… hey, wait a second!” Obi-Wan said. Anakin laughed as he
sped past Obi-Wan. The older Jedi scrambled to his feet and huffed after
Anakin, yelling, “Just wait until I get my hands on you!” Then, suddenly,
laser fire once again erupted around them.
“Our fight can wait,” Anakin decided quickly.
“Wow, got any more terrific ideas?” Obi-Wan asked sarcastically.
“Yes, actually, I do: run!”
“Look out, Council, we have a genius on our hands,” Obi-Wan replied
sarcastically, but started running again anyhow. All of a sudden,
something exploded.
“We’re all gonna die, it’s the end of the world!” Obi-Wan shouted, running
around in circles.
“Be quiet, baby!” Anakin taunted as he helped Obi-Wan to his feet.
Obi-Wan, now fully recovered from his panic attack, blushed fiery red.
“And I thought I was the immature one,” thought Anakin, rolling his eyes.
Suddenly, Obi-Wan’s comlink bleeped.
“The, uh, Council doesn’t need to hear about this, right?” Obi-Wan sounded nervous.
“Maybe they do, maybe they don’t,” Anakin with a sneer as he snatched Obi-Wan’s comlink out of his pocket.
“Oh, no,” Obi-Wan moaned, burying his face in his hands as Anakin answered the comlink.
“Completed your mission, you have not, I sense,” came Yoda’s voice from
the comlink as an old, short figure with huge pointy ears appeared on the contraption.
“We had some problems, some bigger than others,” Anakin answered with a pointed glance at Obi-Wan, who blushed again.
“Well, hurry you must. Keep the Alderaanian princess safe, we must,” Yoda said before clicking off.
“We should hurry, but more for a different reason. Have you seen that girl? She is seriously hot!” Anakin said eagerly.
“Stop your goggling, Anakin, we’re on a mission,” Obi-Wan replied, sniggering, “Wait until the Council hears about this! It’s payback time!”
“Oh, no, great Jedi Master!” Anakin said, kneeling and bowing mockingly at Obi-Wan’s feet.
“Would you get up and get going,” Obi-Wan said, annoyed.
“Geez, I’m not even allowed to worship you?” Anakin said, scrambling to his feet nonetheless.
“No, you’re not. Wait a minute, what am I saying?” Obi-Wan said, more to himself.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response,” Anakin replied.
“Well, let’s get going before anything else bad happens,” Obi-Wan said, glancing around nervously.
“Yeah, I want to meet that hot princess!” Anakin said, running off.
“Ugh,” Obi-Wan said, stomping off, annoyed.
Anakin, meanwhile, turned a corner and came upon a bound and gagged girl. Anakin quickly untied her and called for Obi-Wan.
“Anakin, what are you doing here?” the girl burst out as soon as she was untied.
“You know my name?” Anakin said in a dazed voice.
“Yes, you idiot, now will you please tell me why the heck you are here?” the girl yelled at him angrily.
“Mmmph!” mumbled someone whom Anakin had not noticed in his rush to save the girl. Then Obi-Wan appeared and quickly rushed to untie the gagged woman.
“Thanks,” she said before turning to scold Barriss for not controlling her anger.
“What?!” Anakin said, startled. “Barriss, what the heck are you doing here?”
“You watch yourself, young man!” Obi-Wan said.
“Why didn’t you tell me that… where’s the princess and why does Barriss look exactly like her?” Anakin said with a severely confused look on his face.
“You idiot, you still haven’t figured it out! I’m a decoy, a bodyguard! Duh!” Barriss said, glaring at Anakin.
“I… I…I,” Anakin stuttered.
“…Want to get out of here before those ships get any closer?” Obi-Wan finished.
“Hurry up, we have to get back to the palace before they realize I was a decoy and go after the real princess!” Barriss urged them on.
“You mean, she’s still there? There’s still hope!” he cried with joy.
“Yes, you love-sick idiot, now hurry up!” Barriss said, dragging him along.
“Why are you holding my hand? You can’t do that! She might think you’re my girlfriend!” Anakin yelled. “Wait, if she thinks I am taken, that makes me unavailable, thus desirable,” Anakin thought out loud.
“Gross! Minds of young boys are just so… sick!” Barriss said, dropping his hand.
Chapter 2: The Trouble Begins
Next thing they knew, they were arriving at the castle gates. As they hurried to the handmaiden’s quarters, the four were just in time to see the real princess being dragged out the window. Anakin rushed to save her, but all of a sudden, another round of laser bolts were fired at him.
Barriss yanked the boy back just in time to dodge a shot.
“Helmph!” came a voice from the window. Anakin glanced at it, puzzled, but seeing no one, turned his attention back to dodging lasers.
“What’s ‘helmph’?” Obi-Wan wondered.
“It’s ‘help’ being muffled!” Luminara replied.
“Duh,” Barriss said, deflecting blaster bolts with her azure lightsaber.
“Barriss…” Luminara warned, doing the same with her green blade.
“All right, all right, sorry, Obi-Wan,” Barriss sighed.
As effortless as it looked, Barriss was having troubles of her own. For some reason, she was indescribably tired. She swayed, rubbing her face with one hand.
“Barriss, are you okay?’ Luminara asked.
“It’s sleeping powder!” Obi-Wan shouted suddenly. “Grab her and let’s go!” The man grabbed Anakin by the arm and raced out of the room, his fellow Jedi Master on his heels, yanking her Padawan along behind her.
Once back in the corridor, both Padawans quickly came back to full awareness. Barriss drew one sleeve across her face.
Now Anakin saw that the girl had been wearing makeup of some kind. Her skin was olive-colored, broken only by small, diamond-shaped tattoos arranged in a line across the bridge of her nose. Matching marks adorned the backs of her hands. Her blonde hair looked very much out of place.
As if she sensed him glancing at her, she said, “I guess it does look kind of funny, huh?”
Pretending innocence, he said, “What looks funny?”
“Oh, my hair. It’s actually normally blue, but Princess Inre has blonde hair,” Barriss answered.
“No fair! You get blue hair? Master Obi-Wan, I want green hair!” Anakin said.
“No way!” said Obi-Wan.
“Her hair is blue naturally,” Luminara hurriedly corrected the misunderstanding.
“Lucky,” Anakin said enviously.
“Not really,” Barriss said. “It’s pretty normal where I come from.”
“Where do you come from?’ Anakin stupidly inquired.
“Well, first there was a mommy and a daddy…” Barriss began in a baby voice.
“Gross, shut up! I meant, what planet?” Anakin shouted.
“I know. I couldn’t resist. I was born on Mirial,” she added.
“Where is that?” Anakin asked.
“Mirial was formerly a Trade Federation planet, near Corellia,” Barriss explained.
“What?” said Anakin with a severely confused look on his face.
“Let’s put it this way: if I ever go back, they’ll kill me,” she said.
“Aw… That’s so sad,” Anakin replied as a wave of sympathy swept over him. Then he realized what an idiot he had been and shouted, “Where’s the princess?”
“I guess they got away,” replied Obi-Wan sheepishly. Then, out of nowhere, the royal guards appeared and grabbed the four Jedi.
“You are under arrest for impersonation and kidnap of her royal highness, Princess Inre,” one said.
“That’s… that’s ridiculous,” sputtered Anakin.
“Well, actually, you-” he pointed to Barriss, “-are under arrest for impersonation, you-” this time he pointed at Luminara, “-are under arrest for assistance of impersonation, you two-” he gestured at Anakin and Obi-Wan, “-are under arrest for being seen with an impersonator and her assistant, and all of you face charges for kidnapping,” the guard said smugly.
“But we didn’t do any of that!” said Barriss, snatching off her wig.
Anakin whispered to Obi-Wan, asking if they were going to fight. “No,” Obi-Wan whispered back. “If we resist, our heads will be put up for bounty.”
“Silly girl, we are not blind. We saw you wipe off the makeup and pull off your wig. We also saw your comrades take our princess out the window. Now, you can tell us where they have taken her, or you can suffer the consequences,” the short and plump guard, who seemed to be in charge, announced ominously as he cuffed Barriss’s hands. The others did the same to Anakin, Obi-Wan, and Luminara.
“Not again,” Barriss muttered under her breath, referring to being bound and gagged. ‘I just got out of this position.”
<So, whose turn is it to come up with the great idea?> Obi-Wan’s message was not spoken aloud, as the gag in his mouth prevented speaking. He sent the words through the Force instead.
<Do they know we are Jedi?> Barriss asked in the same way.
<Those idiots! They are worried about us! They should be saving the princess from those thugs!> Anakin shouted through the Force.
Just then, one of the guards dragged Barriss off. “To interrogate you,” he explained gruffly.
<Don’t tell them anything until we can be sure of their intents> Obi-Wan ordered.
<Okay> Barriss agreed. <They’ll never get it out of me!>
A short while later, the door to their cell flew open, and the guard roughly threw Barriss in, allowing the door to clang shut behind her. She was unconscious.
Luminara had had it. She could deal with being imprisoned, but hurting her Padawan crossed the line for those guards. <Obi-Wan! Turn around!> she sent suddenly.
In answer, Obi-Wan shifted around until his back was to his friend. Concentrating, she used the Force to untie the knots that bound his hands together.
<There!> she Force-said triumphantly.
“Good!” Obi-Wan said once he got himself untied. “You need to teach me how to do that sometime!” He quickly untied everyone.
“Now what?” Anakin asked, rubbing circulation back into his limbs.
“Leave that to me,” Luminara said. She unbraided her long hair, and produced a hairpin.
“Wha?” Anakin started to say, but Luminara had already expertly inserted the pin into the door lock. Seconds later, it clicked open.
“You need to teach me that sometime!” Anakin said.
“It doesn’t work if you don’t have a hairpin,” the now-revived Barriss pointed out. “And you have no reason to have one. Do you?”
“Duh, no! Does it look like I have enough hair for that?” Anakin demanded, pointing at his close-cropped hair. Barriss laughed, and even Obi-Wan smiled at his Padawan’s unusual logic.
Suddenly, the door was thrown open, and there was their arch rival, Jabba the Hutt!
Chapter 3- The New Sith
“Ewww!” Barriss said, breaking the stunned silence. “A worm!”
“Barriss, that is called a Hutt,” Anakin said.
“It still looks like a worm,” Barriss insisted.
“Let’s see if his butt works the same way as a worm’s. We can cut off his tail and see if it ever grows back,” Anakin said, pulling out his lightsaber.
“Sure,” Obi-Wan said, pulling out his blade.
“Ew!” said Luminara.
“Sick!” said Barriss.
“Oh, come on. It was just a joke, besides it is too violent,” said Obi-Wan with a disappointed look on his face.
“Aww,” Anakin said reluctantly. “It would have been fun!”
“You are so… sick and gross, plus wrong!” Barriss said.
“I lliw eb ruoy renoitucixe,” said Jabba in his otherworldly language.
“Oh!” Barriss said, horrified. “That’s, uh, awful! I’m too young to die!”
“What? What did he say?” Obi-Wan asked, looking scared.
“He is going to kill us,” Anakin said with a disgusted look on his face.
“What is up with how he talks?” Obi-Wan asked.
“He says everything backwards. Now can we cut off his butt?”
“Pu tuhs,” said Jabba.
“Well, geez, there is no reason to be so mean,” said Barriss, pulling out her own lightsaber. “Yes, Anakin. Now we can cut off his butt.”
“S’tel thgif!” shouted Jabba.
As if out of nowhere, there were suddenly hundreds of Ewoks surrounding them.
“You’re on!” Barriss challenged. Obi-Wan gave Luminara a begging look, as if to say, “Help me out here!”
<You’re on your own> she replied through the Force.
Suddenly, Jabba the giant worm, started doing karate and kung-fu tricks that no Jedi or Jedi Master had ever seen before!
<Those are the works of a Sith!> Obi-Wan said through the Force.
<I draeh taht!> Jabba Force-said. <Rof won, I ma Sith!> he screamed gleefully.
“You’re no Sith!” Barriss replied.
“Yhw ton?” yelled Jabba.
“You have no lightsaber,” Barriss said triumphantly.
“He has no lightsaber because he is too fat to wear a belt to put it on,” Anakin broke in right on cue, turning to Jabba with a smirk on his face.
“Uoy lliw yap rof taht, Skywalker!” yelled Jabba, lunging at the Padawan. Anakin stepped out of the way and pulled out his lightsaber just in time to whack the worm’s tail off, just as he had proposed. Jabba let out a scream of pain. The four Jedi, taking advantage of the distraction, ran away as all of the Ewoks dog-piled on top of Jabba trying to attack. The Jedi ran up the stairs and around a corner, where, standing in front of the front gate, was Jar Jar Binks.
“Meesa have an important message for yousa guys and girlses, from de Senator,” the Gungan said, clearly struggling to keep up with them.
“Senator who?” Anakin asked, trying and failing not to look interested.
“Senator Amidala,” Jar Jar said, stopping Anakin in his tracks. The other Jedi stopped, too.
“So what did she say?” Obi-Wan asked.
“Yousa hafta show meesa the passaword,” Jar Jar said.
“What password?” Obi-Wan asked, clearly annoyed.
“Whosa dey?” Jar Jar asked, pointing at Barriss and Luminara and ignoring Obi-Wan’s question.
“They are Jedi,” Barriss said, emphasizing the word ‘they.’
“Yousa not talk right,” said Jar Jar, staring at Barriss.
“What do you mean, I don’t talk right?” Barriss demanded.
“You say theysa when yousa talk about yousa self. It’sa muy confusing,” said Jar Jar.
“You’re one to talk about being confusing,” Barriss said, trying to decode his peculiar speech.
“Uoy thguoht uoy dluoc teg yawa morf em, t’ndid uoy! Llew, I ma Sith! Uoy tonnac epasce em!” Jabba the Hutt, with a newly regrown tail, yelled, sliming at full speed, which wasn’t that fast.
From the other side of the hall, a towering robot skidded around the corner, yelling, “I am General Grievous, and I will kill you!”
Obi-Wan looked at Luminara. “Your call. Want the slug or the droid?” he asked her.
“No contest,” she replied. “I know where our best bet is.”
“Slug?”
“Slug.”
With that, they headed toward Jabba. Easily, the four slipped around him, ditching the annoying Jar Jar in the process.
“Uoy kcus!” Anakin yelled over his shoulder at Jabba.
“Tsuj uoy tiaw! I lliw llik uoy emos yad! Tsuj tiaw dna ees! I lliw hctac uoy dna…” This was followed by a graphic and obscene description of what he would do to them once they were in his slimy grasp.
The party ran off until they were in a vast countryside. Enjoying the swift breeze, Obi-Wan and Luminara skipped ahead of the group arm in arm.
“Do you know those people?” Anakin asked Barriss.
“Nope, never seen them before,” she replied.
Suddenly, as if it had just sprung from the ground, a gigantic palace stood before them. Joyously, they ran toward what they believed was Jabba’s fortress as triumphant music played in the background and flower petals fell all around them.
Chapter 4- Obi-Wan Is Revealed To Have Some Personal Issues
When they reached the building, Obi-Wan used the Force to push open the massive door. They all stepped inside, but only an eerie silence confronted them.
Abruptly, they realized they had been tricked. The palace wasn’t really a palace; it was a cage!
Meanwhile, back in the hallway at the princess’s castle, Jar Jar said, “Meesa don’t like thesa slug… or thesa robot! Whysa thesa thing happens to meesa?”
Anyhow, back at the cage….
“We might as well make the best of it,” Obi-Wan said. “Jin-gle, yo, jin-ji-ji-jingle, yo, bells in the hiz hoouuse!”
“Oh…my…Force,” Anakin said in disbelief. “I’m trapped in a cage with a deranged Jedi Master monkey man who thinks he is a rapper!”
At that very moment, the cage started rumbling and shaking violently. “EARTHQUAKE!” shouted Obi-Wan, running around in pentagons.
In reality, they were being lifted into the air by a gigantic helicopter that was piloted by none other than the disturbing Sith, Jabba the Hutt!
“Ev’I tog uoy won!” screamed Darth Jabba.
“We’re not trapped,” Luminara pointed out quietly. “The fool forgot to lock the cage.”
“Yippee! Geronimo!” screamed Obi-Wan as he jumped out of the cage into midair.
“Hurry! Trap him in an anti-gravitational bubble so he doesn’t die! Screamed Barriss.
“Who needs anti-gravitational bubbles? I’m freeeeee!” Obi-Wan squealed. There was a loud thump as he hit the ground. Ker-SPLAT!
“Funny,” Anakin mused. “And I always thought Jedi Masters always land on their feet. Oh, well. I guess the face is close enough.”
“Ecnelis!” Jabba the Hutt screamed. “I lliw ton etarelot eldi rettahc no ym pihs!”
Barriss rolled her eyes at this comment, but kept her mouth shut. At that moment, another huge fortress loomed before them.
“Siht si ym emoh, erehw uoy llahs evil sa sevals gnivres em rof eht tser fo ruoy elbaresim syad!” Jabba boomed from above.
“You know, somehow, that just doesn’t appeal to me,” Barriss said sarcastically.
“I hope you two will forgive me for this,” Luminara said.
“For what?” asked Anakin, obviously confused.
“This!” Luminara shoved both kids out the cage door.
“AAAHHH!” Anakin screamed before he realized that he was floating softly to the ground. Luminara was lowering them with the Force!
“Cool, I’m flying!” Anakin shouted. As they landed, Luminara levitated herself down.
“RUN!” she yelled when her feet hit the ground. “We have to get away from Obi-Wan and that worm-Sith-thingy-ma-jig!”
The Padawans needed no urging. Suddenly, a six-year-old boy jumped out in front of them. “Me Han Solo, and this a stick-up!” he shouted, waving a water gun threateningly.
Startled, Anakin tripped over a rock and fell in a hole. He smacked his head and blacked out. In what was really a couple of hours later, Anakin heard his comrades speaking.
“Do you think he’ll be okay?” Barriss asked worriedly.
“At this moment, I’m not really sure,” Luminara replied. The strange thing was that Anakin could hear everything that was going on, but he could not move, speak, or even open his eyes!
“Where’s Obi-Wan?” Barriss asked.
“That’s a good question,” Luminara said.
“Did somebody say Obi-Wan?” asked Obi-Wan. “Who’s that?”
“Why are we talking in third person?” Luminara asked.
“Run! It’s the deranged monkey man!” Barriss screamed.
<I gotta get outta here!> Anakin screamed through the Force. <But I can’t… move!>
“He’s alive!” Luminara exclaimed.
“But what about the deranged monkey with identity issues?” Barriss asked.
“I don’t know,” replied Luminara. “But we should find someplace safe to investigate this!”
“To my secwet wab!” shouted Han Solo joyously.
<Yeah, a six-year-old with a “secwet wab,” all right> Anakin said through the Force, seeing as how that was the only thing he could do.
“My secwet wab is de bestest one eber!” Han said defiantly.
“Well, it’s worth a shot.” Luminara shrugged.
“Fowow me!” cried Han triumphantly.
<Wait, what abwout me?” Anakin yelled. <Ugh, why am I talking like a baby?>
“Oh, right,” Barriss said, “but what about the dude with amnesia?”
“Leave him. He’ll catch up when he eventually realizes who he is again,” Luminara said.
Suddenly, to everyone’s surprise, Watto appeared! “Where is Anakin?” he boomed in a deep voice.
“Over there,” Barriss said warily.
Watto flew over to Anakin. Waving his hands and chanting, he continued to hover above the fallen Padawan. Unexpectedly, Anakin realized he could move again! He opened his eyes and climbed out of the hole. Obi-Wan knelt before Watto, bowing.
“Hail the magical healing king!” he said, pressing his forehead to the ground in front of Watto.
“Now I will help you escape from Darth Jabba,” Watto said.
Obi-Wan, who had stopped bowing, started again, saying, “Hail the powerful rescuer!”
Watto stared at him quizzically. “Has your… um… friend been inhaling rubber cement fumes or something?” he asked.
“That kills brain cells,” Barriss said in a know-it-all voice.
“Obi-Wan didn’t have any brain cells to begin with,” Anakin said. Both kids cracked up.
“Thanks… hey!” Obi-Wan shouted.
“Let’s get out of here!” Watto bellowed. They ran away, Han trying and failing to keep up with the longer-legged and/or winged members of the group.
“Wait! We forgot the princess!” Anakin shouted suddenly.
“A princess! Where? Can I marry her? I’ve always wanted to be a prince!” Obi-Wan said excitedly.
All ignoring Obi-Wan’s random comment, the troupe trotted onward to continue their search for the missing princess.
Chapter 5- Wattu
“I bet Jabba has her,” Anakin said.
“It doesn’t matter what you think, we need to go back to the palace to search for clues!” Barriss said.
“Cheese and pickle juice!” Obi-Wan suddenly blurted. “Japanese cheese puffs!” he added.
“What?” everyone said at the same time.
“I sayed cheese and pickle juice. Wait, who is me?” Obi-Wan said. “Oh, I know! I’m marinara sauce!”
The other five gathered together for a group meeting. They took a vote while Obi-Wan was busy doing pirouettes, and it was a unanimous decision that the formerly great Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi should be left behind. They all crowded around him to give him tearful good-byes, although they knew it was best for them all. Suddenly, through the wave of tears and farewells, something that seemed to be inside Obi-Wan started bleeping and clicking. Everyone backed away quickly. His eyes glazed over as he started saying, “Overload… Luke, I am your father… Overload… to be or not be… Overload… my leg!”
All anyone could do was stare. “I am a robot,” Obi-Wan said, taking no notice of everyone staring at him as he started dancing to techno music coming from his head.
“This… is so… disturbing,” Barriss said.
“Run for your lives!” shouted a disturbed Luminara.
Suddenly, Obi-Wan blew up! “Wow, I had no idea craziness was so fatal,” Anakin said, watching pieces of his former Master fall from the sky. Immediately after he stopped talking, Obi-Wan’s lightsaber smacked Anakin on the head. “Oww… hey, that didn’t hurt!” said Anakin enthusiastically. “Hey, this lightsaber is made of paper!”
“What?” Barriss said. “You mean he’s not real?”
“He’s made of metal and paper!” Watto shouted.
Out of nowhere, another bug-like thing fluttered down. “Oh, no! It’s my evil twin brother, Watto!” Watto shouted, but before anyone could do anything, Wattu had waved his hands, and Luminara disappeared in a puff of smoke!
“Oh my Force!” Barriss shouted. “What did you do to my Master?”
“I turned her into a bird!” Wattu said triumphantly. Barriss looked down and gasped, for there, sitting at her feet, was a small wren. It was no ordinary wren. Its feathers were the same color as Luminara’s hair, and its eyes were the same brilliant blue.
“Oh my Force!” Barriss yelled again, picking up the bird. “You turned her into a bird!”
“Um, yeah, I think I just covered that,” Wattu said, but no one paid him any attention. They were all too busy staring at Luminara.
<I don’t want to be a bird!> Luminara said through the Force, the onle way she could, since birds can’t talk.
Anakin’s eyes looked like they would bug out of his head. “Can’t you reverse this somehow?” he asked Watto.
“I’m afraid not,” Watto said, looking at the ground and carefully avoiding Barriss’s incredulous stare.
<You mean… I’m stuck like this?> Luminara said.
“For now, yes,” Watto said.
<I’m so gonna get fired!> Luminara muttered, shaking her head. It was an odd sight, since none of the group had ever seen a bird shake its head.
“What do you mean? It’s not like Yoda’s Donald Trump or anything,” Anakin said.
<I’ll get sent to the Agricultural Corps!> Luminara moaned. <What use is a Jedi who’s been turned into a bird?>
“What’s the Agricultural Corps?” asked Watto.
“The Agri Corps is where they send Jedi failures,” Anakin explained.
“Bwa ha ha ha!” cackled Wattu, flying away. “I am more Sith than Jabba!” he shouted from the distance.
“Whoa, now that’s scary,” Anakin said.
<That’s scary? Look at me! I’m a bird!> said Luminara. <How am I going to explain this to the Council? I can’t even hold my lightsaber! I don’t have any hands!>
“Hey, I know! You can give us an overhead view and poop on random passerbys!” Anakin said.
Luminara glared at him. Barriss did the same. Watto fell out of the sky laughing.. Han Solo tripped and landed on top of him.
“She makes a cute bird, though,” Anakin said, poking his finger at Luminara’s beak and simultaneously changing the subject. She snapped at him.
“Ow! Barriss, your Jedi Master just bit me!” he yelped, sucking on his finger.
<You deserved it> Luminara said angrily.
“Yeah, but still…” Anakin said.
“It couldn’t have hurt that much,” Watto pointed out. “She doesn’t have any teeth.”
“Yeah, well, it still hurt,” Anakin said stubbornly.
“Look on the bright side, Anakin! You’ve just become the first person to be bitten by a Jedi Master!” Barriss said.
“I bet the glass is half full, too,” Anakin muttered.
“Yes, it is,” Barriss said.
“Half empty!” Anakin argued back.
“Half full!” Barriss replied.
“Empty!”
“Full!”
“Empty!”
“Full!”
<Shut up! Both of you!> Luminara Force-shouted.
“Look, a birdie!”
Everyone froze at the sound of Obi-Wan’s voice.
“Where’d you come from?” Anakin asked finally, breaking the shocked silence.
“Well, if you must know, first there was a mommy and a daddy…” Obi-Wan started to say.
“Ew, gross! Stop!” Anakin shouted. “Why does everyone do that to me? You knew what I meant!”
“Oh, you mean how did I escape from the evil clutches of Darth Jabba? That was easy. I squared x minus three times two plus y divided by the square root of nine plus e minus seventy multiplied by negative three, which gave me the basic parameters for the citadel’s external barriers, which gave me its weakest point on the south wall of my cell, which was three bricks to the left of the seventy-third brick from the top. Then, I used my cutting implement to slice a way out. Simple, really,” Obi-Wan replied calmly.
Anakin stared at Obi-Wan, his mouth hanging open. “You lost me at ‘easy,’” he said.
<He used his lightsaber to make a hole in the wall> Luminara explained.
“Whoa! That bird can talk! Hey, is that… Luminara!?!?”
<Unfortunately, yes> Luminara said, sighing heavily, another unusual thing for a bird to do.
“What happened?” asked Obi-Wan.
Between Barriss, Anakin, Watto, Luminara, and the occasional random input from han, they explained to Obi-Wan about Wattu and his spell that he’d cast.
“Oh, wow!” Obi-Wan said finally.
“Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. While you were gone, Jabba replaced you with a stupid robot who looked just like you, but eventually exploded, so now we know that it wasn’t really you and it was really just a stupid robot who blurted out randomly stupid things,” Barriss added.
Obi-Wan burst into tears.
“What’s wrong?” Barriss asked sympathetically.
“Nothing,” sniffed Obi-Wan. “I’m just so touched that an evil villain would actually take the time to make a robot and impersonate me!”
“Here we go again,” Barriss muttered, rolling her eyes.
“He’s not going insane. He’s just got… um… emotional issues,” Anakin protested.
“Isn’t that the same thing?” Barriss asked.
“Hey!” Obi-Wan said, offended.
“Sorry,” Barriss said. “No offense.”
“None taken,” Obi-Wan assured her. “Except sort of somewhat.”
“Uh, guys?” Anakin broke in. “Aren’t we supposed to be saving the princess?”
“Oh, no! The princess! That reminds me, while I was at the castle, I discovered that when you put a banana in a blender and hit ‘liquify,’ the resulting concotion does not look edible,” Obi-Wan said. “It does taste pretty good, though.”
Han Solo, Anakin Skywalker, Barriss Offee, Luminara Unduli, Watto, and the live TV audience all stared at him.
“What?” everybody said.
“What was that supposed to mean?” Anakin wanted to know.
“Oh, no, here we go again,” Barriss moaned for the second time in five minutes.
Chapter 6- The Return Of The Random Characters (Plus A Few New Ones)
“EXCWUSE MWEE!” shouted Han Solo. “Arwen’t we suppwosed to bwe at my wab finding cwues?”
“What did he say?” Obi-Wan asked.
“I don’t know!” Anakin said. “Do I look like a baby to you?”
“Well…” Barriss said. “Wait, was that a rhetorical question?”
“Hey! Why, I oughta…” Anakin said.
“You can’t catch me!” Barriss dashed off.
“Wanna bet?” Anakin asked, running after her.
Two hours later, when they finally stopped running, Watto said, “Now, if you’re both quite done, we should leave.”
<I say we follow Han Solo> Luminara said through the Force.
“Meesa no know what youa was thinking, leavin meesa back theres, but… hey, yousa guys, look, a birdsie!” said Jar Jar, reappearing out of the blue. He stomped over ti Luminara, sending her awkwardly half-flying, half-tripping away so that she didn’t get stepped on.
“Let’s ditch the salamander and go!” shouted Watto.
“Meesa Gungan…” Jar Jar started to say, but everyone was already gone, followung Han Solo to his “secwet wab.” Jar Jar was left standing by himself in the middle of the plain. Then, out of nowhere, Jabba appeared!
“Yako, rednamalas, I wonk uoy wonk erehw yeht era!” he yelled.
“What?” said Jar Jar, looking very confused.
“I dias…” Jabba started to say.
“What are yousa saying?” Jar Jar asked again.
“Ho, thus pu,” Jabba said. “Ecnis uoy t’nod wonk tahw I ma gniyas, I nac kcom uoy ylmonnar! Hsif ecaf! Esenapaj eseehc ffup! Ybab doof edam htiw sananab dna ecuaseelppa! Eci niarb! Elkcip daeh! Ah! Siht si gnikam em leef yaw retteb! M’I gniam nuf fo uoy! Ah, ah, ah!”
“What?” Jar Jar still didn’t understand a word of what Jabba had just said, which was probably a good thing, as he’d been insulted several times.
“Awb ah ah ah!” Jabba said.
“Are yousa choking?” Jar Jar asked worriedly.
“Huh?” Jabba asked. This Jar Jar understood, since it was the same backwards as it was forwards.
“Well, yousa said, ‘awb ah ah ah.’ Thatsa what meesa brother said when heesa chocked on hissa morning munchen,” Jar Jar said.
“Ho, yhw od I neve rehtob?” Jabba asked.
“What?” Jar Jar asked.
“UOY ERA DIPUTS!!!! TUHS PU!!!!” Jabba roared.
Meanwhile…
The four Jedi, Watto, Han Solo, and Sebulba, who had, for some odd reason, suddenly appeared and insisted that he had to come along, finally reached Solo’s secret lab.
All seven stepped inside, led by Han.
“Aohw!” said Sebulba.
“Wow!” Anakin echoed, looking around in amazement.
There were giant TV monitors all over the six walls. The hexagonal room was gigantic, and there was an island in the center. On the island were seven flatscreen computers, three scanners, six printers, a fax machine, a copier, and four cell phones. Each phone was attached to an enormous directory of known planets.
“Tuhs pu!” Sebulba said.
“Why?” Anakin asked.
“Uoy era gnikcom em, t’nera uoy?” said Sebulba accusingly.
“I t’nsaw erofeb, tub I ma won!” Anakin shouted. “Uoy kcus!”
“What?” asked Han.
“They’re insulting each other,” Barriss explained.
“Oh. What’s an insult?” asked Han a minute later.
“Oh my Force, that idiot baby will not shut up!” Barriss shouted, stalking away.
“That was an insult,” Watto explained.
“Oh. Is it an insult to call Obi-Wan a stupid dimwit?” Han asked.
“Not if it’s true,” Anakin said.
“Which it is,” Han said.
<Hello, just in case you haven’t noticed, I’m still a bird! I have dreams, too!> Luminara shouted.
“If it makes you feel bettew, you awe a coot biwd,” Han Solo said sweetly.
“Bwa ha ha!” Watto shouted suddenly.
BREAKING NEWS BREAK!!!
Jabba the Hutt sneezed. Oh, and in a lesser report, the public school blew up. Now back to our regularly scheduled program…
“Bwa ha ha!” Watto said again, in case anyone had forgotten during the commercial break.
“Hurray!” Anakin shouted. “No school!”
“Bwa ha ha!” said Watto again, this time because everyone was ignoring him. “I fooled you! You all think I’m Watto!” That got everyone’s attention.
“You are Watto! Oh, no, he has the same disease as Obi-Robot!” Barriss screamed.
“No! I impersonated my brother! I’m actually Wattu!” Wattu shouted.
“Oh, no!” yelled Anakin.
“Boom!” shouted Han Solo, firing his water gun. As soon as the water touched Wattu, the Toydarian imposter fell on the ground, twitching. Then a dark aura rose from his body. Everyone turned to look at Han.
“What?” asked han. “It’s purified water.”
“What does that mean?” asked Anakin.
“It means he wain’t ebil no more,” said Han.
“You can do that?” said Anakin.
“Hail the powerful savior!” Obi-Wan, who just randomly appeared, said, bowing to Han. Everyone stared at him. Then his head blew off!
“Oh, no! It’s Obi-Robot II!” Barriss shouted.
“Bwa ha ha!” the evil aura said before it dissipated.
“Whoa,” Barriss said, staring at where it last was.
Then Wattu blew up! “Oh, no, it’s Wat-Robot!” Barriss yelled.
“No, that was the real Wattu!” Anakin yelled.
“Nuh uh!” Barriss shot back.
<It wasn’t him!> Luminara shouted.
“Mmph!” someone said. Barriss looked under the counter.
“Look, it’s Watto!” she yelled. He was tied up so tightly, he could not speak or even move. “Quick, let’s untie him!” she yelled. They did.
Chapter 7- The Weird Wishes And What Happens Because Of Them
When he was free, Watto said, “Thanks. In return for your freeing me, I will grant you one wish each.”
“Cool!” Anakin said.
“Turn my Master back into a person,” Barriss said. Watto did, much to Luminara’s delight.
“Turn my Master into a salamander,” said Anakin. An orange and green lizard scurried out of a cabinent.
<HELP!> shouted Obi-Wan through the Force. <I’m a lizard!>
Watto fell out of the sky laughing.
Luminara rolled her eyes. “Turn him back to normal,” she said.
“Give Anakin muscles and a tan!” Obi-Wan said. Watto fell out of the sky laughing again. When he hovered again, Anakin was looking at his cool tan and flexing his new muscles. Everyone else was staring at Obi-Wan as if he’d just nominated Darth Sidious to be on the Jedi Council.
“Just because I am such a good Toydarian,” Watto remarked, “I’m going to give myself a wish. I wish that Anakin was a geeky nerd! His nerd attire will include large glasses, braces, suspenders, buck teeth, and a goofy hair cut!”
“No!” shrieked Anakin, putting his arms protectively over his tanned muscles. Everyone watched with bated breath as Watto waved his hands. But nothing happened!
“Oh, no!” Watto said. “I’m out of magic. I can’t make my own wish come true. I need more pixie dust!”
“Hurray!” screamed Anakin, who had not wanted to be a nerd.
“Drat,” said Obi-Wan, who had wanted Anakin to be a nerd.
“You’re the one who made him hot in the first place,” Barriss pointed out.
“Well, all we need is more pixie dust,” Obi-Wan reasoned. “Then Anakin can be a nerd!”
“Yeah, but the only pixie dust left in the galaxy is in a cave surrounded and covered by lava on Mustafar,” said Watto, who wanted Anakin to be a nerd, too, but was resigned to the fact that he could not make that dream a reality. Obi-Wan turned and started walking away.
“Where are you going?” Barriss asked.
“Yeah, where ya goin’?” Han echoed.
“To Mustafar, of course,” Obi-Wan said, like it was the most normal thing in the world to say that he was planning to walk to another planet.
“You’re planning to WALK?!” exclaimed Anakin.
“Well, good luck with that,” Watto said.
“According to your body mass index, multiplied by seventy thousand to simulate the effects of space vacuum on a human body, do you know what would happen to you?” Barriss asked. “You’d blow up like a frog that’s been sat on. You’d get bigger and bigger, and your eyes would bulge out, then, suddenly, POP! There’d be pieces of you scattered from here to Corellia,” she answered herself.
“Wow. Graphic,” Anakin commented.
“Um, hello guys, anybody remember what we’re SUPPOSED to be doing here? Like looking for the princess, not trying to turn Anakin into a nerd, especially you, Obi-Wan, because you’re the one who gave him the muscles and tan in the first place!” Luminara said.
“Aww,” Obi-Wan said. “I wanted to turn him into a nerd.”
“Ahhh!” screamed Anakin. Everyone turned around to look at him in shock. His tanned skin was fading back to its normal shade of white, and his muscles were shrinking. “I’m turning back into me!” he yelled. “Oh, no! Now I’ll never get that princess to date me!”
Watto looked crestfallen. “Drat, my magic wore off,” he said.
“Does that mean I have to be a bird again?” Luminara groaned.
“No,” Watto assured her. “You’re back to normal. Anakin’s original form was altered in my granting Obi-Wan’s wish, so he can’t stay that way. It’s against the laws of nature. If you could look any way you wanted to, with just a wish, everyone would capture Toydarians and force us to grant their wishes. Then we would become extinct.”
“Wow, you have this all planned out, don’t you,” Barriss commented.
“Dude, you need a girlfriend, some sort of outlet for all that free time. That just isn’t healthy. I mean, who plans out their own extinction?” Anakin asked.
“Hey, I just found out what disease Obi-Robot the First had!” Barriss said. “And Obi-Robot the Second, and Wat-Robot the Only!”
“Really? What?” asked Watto.
“M’nush!” Barriss said.
“Bless you,” Anakin said.
“No, that’s the disease!” Barriss said.
“He had a cold?” Anakin asked, looking puzzled.
“No! M’nush is the name of the disease!” Barriss shouted, beginning to get frustrated.
“It’s called Sneeze?” Anakin asked.
“Hey, that rhymes,” Han said. “Sneeze, disease… oh, neber mind.”
“No, it’s a Wookie word!” Barriss yelled at Anakin, this time really losing her patience. “It means beserk.
“Ohhhh,” said Anakin. “Why didn’t you say so?”
“I did say so!” Barriss shouted.
“Geez, chill,” Anakin said.
“Wat-Robot?” said Watto, confused.
“Oh, that. Before we rescued you, we discovered that Wattu…” Barriss began.
“Uh, guys?” said Han.
“Shut up, twerp. Anyway, Wattu was a…” Barriss started again.
“Hello, guys?” Han said.
“Shut it, baby. Wattu was a robot and then he blew up and there were body parts everywhere except…” Barriss said.
“People! Why are oo ignoring me?” Han said.
“Shut up, midget. Escept the body parts were…” Barriss said.
“But…” Han said.
“No, idiot, the body parts weren’t butts, they were metal, so…” Barriss said.
“GUYS!” Han bellowed.
“Aahhhh!” Obi-Wan yelled. Towering over him was non other than Jabba the Hutt!
“Surprise,” he rumbled.
“How’d you get here?” yelled Barriss.
“Sebulba was my spy. He lured you into falling into all my traps. He also left the door to the lab unlocked, so I could get my bulk inside!” shouted Han.
“What? The baby’s evil?” said Anakin, confused.
“No, you fool, I am Jabba!” shouted Han.
“Oh, no! He has m’nush!” shouted Barriss.
“Gesundheit,” said Anakin.
“No, that’s the disease, not… oh, never mind,” Barriss said.
“No, I’m not a sneeze!” yelled han.
“Yeah, well, when I sneeze, it looks like Jabba,” said Anakin, sniggering.
“Can I get back to the details of my evil plot now?” Han asked.
“Okay,” said Barriss.
“Anyway, I am Jabba, and I am using the Force to make this baby wimp talk in your language so I can be sure you all understand how I will torture you!” Han/Jabba yelled. This was followed by a long, graphic, and violent description. Jabba closed his eyes and laughed evilly. When he opened them, everyone except Han, who was still under his control, was gone!
Chapter 8- Obi-Wan Gets M’Nush (Again)
BREAKING NEWS BREAK!!!
Jabba sneezed again. It looked so much like him, no one can tell them apart. No one is even sure which would be grosser to eat, jabba or his slimy sneeze stuff. Okay, this is totally grossing me out. Who wrote this darned script, anyway? (sounds of stomping off set.) Oops, sorry, back to our regularly scheduled program…
“Okay, that was close,” Obi-Wan said.
“Too close,” agreed Anakin.
“How did that happen? How did he sneak up on us like that?” Luminara wanted to know.
“I know how!” Obi-Wan said.
“Really? How?” Barriss asked.
“Grapefruit,” Obi-Wan announced calmly.
The others stared him. Barriss and Anakin exchanged a look. “Okay, I’ll say it this time! Obi-Wan has m’nush!” Anakin shouted finally.
“Bless you!” said Obi-Wan.
“No, it’s… never mind!” Anakin said.
“I have Never Mind? That is an unusual name for a disease. What are the symptoms?” Obi-Wan asked.
“Blurting out random comments…” Barriss began.
“I like the color red. It’s applely. Me, random? Yeah, right. Next!” Obi-Wan said.
Barriss stared at him for a moment before continuing, “Acting unusually stupid…”
Obi-Wan took off his boot, threw it up at the sky, and stared after it for several minutes. When it didn’t come down, he said, “Drat. Now I only have one boot,” and looked back at Barriss, which was of course when his boot fell from the sky and smacked him in the head. “Me- ow!- unusually stupid? Next!” Obi-Wan said.
“And last, is engages in unusual behaviors. Not necessarily stupid, just weird,” Barriss finished.
Obi-Wan did a pirouette. “No, I’m not weird, either,” he said, flipping over and walking around on his hands. “I obviously don’t have Never Mind. Although it’s possible that you do. I mean, just randomly accusing people of having a disease? That’s not cool. You might want to get that checked out.”
Barriss and Anakin stared at him, then each other. “That is so pathetic,” she said finally.
“I like explicably excited expletives!” shouted Obi-Wan.
“What?” said Anakin.
“Oatmeal and broccoli!” Obi-Wan screamed.
“What?” asked Barriss.
“Battery acid nuclear bombs!” said Obi-Wan.
“What’s this about battery acid nuclear bombs?” Watto, who had been asleep, asked. Obi-Wan took off his last boot and threw it at Watto.
“Ow!” the alien shouted.
“Popcorn markers!” shouted Obi-Wan.
“What the heck is going on with him?” Anakin yelled.
“Is he bi?” asked Barriss.
At the same time, Luminara said, “Is he human?”
“Yes, of course!” shouted Anakin. The women both stared at him. “I mean, he’s human, not bi!” he clarified quickly.
“Glue sticks tacked to body parts!” yelled Obi-Wan. By now, all anybody could do was stare at him as he break-danced to no music. He sniffed his armpit. “Gross, I stink! I have serious B.O. issues! Hey, Barriss, that’s your initials!”
Barriss blushed. She had hoped no one would notice that.
Obi-Wan did the splits. “Ow, that hurt! My butt hurts!” he shrieked.
Watto snorted with laughter.
“Dull Sharpies that say Yoda Sucks on them!” shouted Obi-Wan.
Barriss gasped. It was disturbing enough to see a barefoot Jedi breakdancing and shouting random things, but to have him insult another Jedi… other than himself, that is. Obi-Wan had already called himself smelly. Then he farted and promptly fainted at the smell, ending the random comments. The fart itself became a green cloud that floated into the unsuspecting Watto.
Watto started to cough, then shouted, “Cheesy potato chips and roasted peanuts, plus a side of baked shoe polish!”
“Oh, no! Now Watto has m’nush! That means Obi-Robot, Obi-Robot II, Obi-Maybe-A-Robot-Maybe-Not, Wat-Robot, and Watto have all fallen to the horrible disease of m’nush!” Barriss shouted. “This is awful!”
“Pizza is cool. Do you like pizza? I love pizza. Elephants!” said Watto, chewing on his own wing.
“Ducks!” shouted the now-revived Obi-Wan.
“Ducks to elephants!” they shouted together.
“Bird feathers woth chickens attached…” sang Watto.
“Glass bottles of rum, so to have lots of fun, let’s drink, drink until day, let’s throw our lives away,” sang Obi-Wan.
“My name is Spiderman, and I can do anything a spider can, and I’m drunk, in a funk, mind in a haze, brain in a daze,” sang Watto.
“German French fries!” shouted Obi-Wan.
“Old chewing gum!” sneezed Watto.
“Good mornin’ beautiful, how was your night? Mine was wonderful, with you by my side, when I open my eyes, see your sweet face, it’s a good mornin’ beautiful day!” Obi-Wan sang.
“Spanish frankfurters,” they said together.
“This…is…so…disturbing,” Barriss said.
“Twi-twi-twinkle, I say, come on, twinkle little star,” Watto rapped.
“This is like being at the circus!” shouted Obi-Wan.
“It’s better than being drunk!”shouted Watto.
“Can you move it like this?” sang Watto, shaking his butt.
“I can shake it like that,” sang Obi-Wan, shaking his butt, too.
“You don’t need to see this,” Luminara said, moving to stand in front of the two kids. Both moved so that they could see, but Luminara didn’t notice. “It’s disturbing.”
“And you JUST NOW realized this?” Anakin said.
In the background. Watto and Obi-Wan Kenobi were singing a ditty about Yoda, involving “pointy-eared plastic lawn gnomes” and “hairy elves painted green.” Both people were very loud and off-key.
“Man, I feel like a woman,” Obi-Wan sang.
“Me, too!” Watto added, improvising a line into Shania Twain’s song.
“Sarcastic snakes!” said Obi-Wan.
“Serpentine erasers,” said Watto.
“Tape dispensers!”
“Stars!”
“Shiny pretty things!”
“I love shiny things!”
“Okay, this is getting stupid,” Luminara said.
“GETTING stupid? And you call yourself a Jedi Master!” Anakin shouted.
“Shut up!” yelled Barriss.She could not take insults to her master. Just then, both Watto and Obi-Wan fainted.
When they woke up an hour later, they were both back to normal.
“Hurray!” shouted Anakin, who, unlike Barriss, could deal with insults to Obi-Wan, especially when they were true. “My Master’s not a deranged Jedi Master Monkey Man and his sidekick, the flying fly with a trunk and a hat, anymore!”
“Whoa. Complicated,” commented Watto.
“What did you call me?” Obi-Wan asked suspiciously.
“Oh, my, look at the time! We need to get back to the mission!” Anakin said, quickly changing the subject.
“It’s about time,” said Luminara.
“Pull yourselves together!” Watto bellowed, imitating Hitler, his idol.
“Something’s missing,” said Anakin. “Oh, I know!” He pulled a black Sharpie out of his pocket and drew a mustache on Watto. “There! The finishing touch!”
“Now we need a plan!” said Obi-Wan. This is the elaborate and confusing plan described by Obi-Wan.
1. Use pointy implement to transport self and comrades over external barrier. Weight x height  height of stick + height of wall x pi  2  pressure of gravity = level of pressure to put on stick in grams.
2. Immediately when on inside of grounds use Force to set off all traps without injuring self or comrades.
3. Jump on ugly alligators’ heads to safely reach other side of moat.
4. Throw mounds of meat into bomb field and hope stick dogs with rabies chase after meat, setting off bombs and making an entrance to castle.
5. If #4 doesn’t work, run for your life and devise new plan. If #4 does work, go into castle, find princess, and devise similar plan to escape. Note: Avoid Jabba at all costs.
Chapter 9- Getting Into The Castle (And Hopefully Out)
When Obi-Wan finished, everyone stared at him.
“Ooookkkkaaayyy,” Barriss said. “Mind explaining that again, this time in basic Basic?”
“We’re going to throw meat into the bomb field to get the rabies dogs to blow up, then we will pole vault over the wall and hop across the moat on alligator heads,” Anakin explained.
“Oh,” Barriss said.
“Well, that’s silly,” Watto said. “I can fly everyone over one by one, and we don’t have to pole vault.”
“You can fly, huh?” Obi-Wan said. He grabbed Anakin, yanked off his boot, and threw it at Watto.
Watto spiraled to the ground, screaming in pain. “My wing!” he shouted.
“You bad person!” Barriss shrieked at Obi-Wan. She drew her lightsaber and brought it down on Obi-Wan’s head. Since it was only a training model, it wasn’t powerful to cut him in half like she intended, but it did burn some of his hair off, leaving him with a weird reverse Mohawk. Together with his beard, it made him look retarded. As well as like a monkey that had access to an electric razor. Everyone stared.
“What?” he asked, completely oblivious to his ridiculous haircut a la Barriss.
“Look!” Luminara choked out through her laughter, thrusting her makeup mirror at Obi-Wan.
“Oh my FORCE!” he yelled, smackinghis hands over his absurd haircut. “What can I do?”
“Well, the only option is to cut off the rest of your hair and beard with your lightsaber,” Barriss said solemnly.
“Oh no, not my beard!” Obi-Wan started to cry.
Through his sobs, he ignited his lightsaber. Sad music played on a violin in the background as he carefully cut off his hair and beard.
When he finished, he looked even sillier, especially when Anakin wrote all over his head with a Sharpie, saying things like, “I Love 2 Rock” and “I’m a Secret Punk!”
“Hey, wait a minute. Couldn’t we just go in through Obi-Wan’s hole?” Luminara asked.
“That sounds so obscene!” Anakin said.
“No, I meant the hole he cut in the wall when he escaped,” replied Luminara.
‘Yeah, you butt-obsessed person!” yelled Barriss.
“We can’t go through the hole because I already came up with this brilliant plan,” Obi-Wan said.
“Brilliant plan? Where? You’ve seen one?” Barriss asked, looking around mockingly.
“No, I like Luminara’s plan,” said Anakin.
“Me, too,” said Luminara. “Even if I do say so myself.”
“Wow, ain’t choo humble?” said Watto, affecting a Southern hillbilly accent.
“Bkdfkfujfnbdydnduxsdmnsdiujds!” shouted Obi-Wan suddenly.
“Oh, no! It’s Obi-Robot III!” shouted Barriss.
“This is a stick-up!” yelled Obi-Wan, pulling out a machine blaster.
“Duck!” screamed Anakin.
“That’s not a duck, it’s a machine gun!” Barriss shrieked.
“There’s nothing we can do!” said Luminara.
“Yousa suck!” shouted Jar Jar, who randomly appeared again.
Obi-Wan lunged at Jar Jar, waving his machine gun threateningly. All three of the sane Jedi ignited their lightsabers, deflecting the blaster bolts. Barriss was the most impressive, firing a slim hold-out blaster in her right hand and wielding her lightsaber in her left. Every shot she fired hit its mark until Obi-Robot III’s head blew off, revealing the real Obi-Wan.
“Hurray!” shouted Barriss.
“Thisa place is nutsa!” shouted Jar Jar. “Meesa leaving!”
“So are you!” Anakin shouted after him. Barriss stared at him. “Nutsa! That is, he’s nutsa, not leaving,” he corrected himself.
Then Jabba appeared! “Awb ah ah ah!” he laughed evilly.
“Ahhh!” they all screamed. But before they could move, Jabba sprayed them all with knockout powder and they all fainted. Anakin’s last cohesive thought was that the k.o. powder smelled vaguely like Obi-Wan’s fart.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
When they came to, they were lying on the floor of a cell. (A stone one, not the kind in your body!)
“Hi!” a girl’s voice said brightly. It was the princess, Inre!
“Hurray!” Anakin shouted, doing a victory dance while shaking his butt.
Inre raised one eyebrow and stared quizzically at him. “He’s strange, isn’t he?” commented the princess.
“Aren’t all boys?”asked Barriss. In agreement on that much, both twelve-year-old girls laughed.
Barriss glanced at Obi-Wan. “Oh yeah. Some more than others.”
“Hey, look! We still have our lightsabers!” shouted Obi-Wan, quickly changing the subject.
“We do!” Barriss shouted gleefully, ignoring Obi-Wan, who was making obscene hand gestures at her involving his middle finger.
As one, the four Jedi plunged their lightsabers through the wall. The stone glowed firey red and then fell away completely as triumphant music played in the background.
“Ok, ladies first,” said Anakin gallantly, as Obi-Wan crawled through the hall. Barriss and Inre laughed as they followed his lead. Luminara and Anakin brought up the rear.
“Hurray!” shouted Obi-Wan, starting to run. In no time at all, they were back at the palace.
“Thanks for rescuing me, and if you ever see Han and Watto again, thank them for me, too!” said Inre. (Barriss had told her new friend the strange story of their adventures.) The four Jedi left and headed back to the Temple as Inre, tired form her ordeal, fell asleep…
“Princess! Wake up!” called a handmaiden. A fair-skinned, blond girl named Inre sat up in bed.
“Yes, Mali?” asked Inre, sliding on her dressing gown.
“Your bodyguard is here. Would you like to meet her?” Mali asked.
“Yeah!” shouted Inre excitedly. She’d forgotten about the Jedi girl her own age who was arriving today to be her bodyguard.
A pretty girl dressed just like Inre stood in the hallway. She looked familiar, but Inre couldn’t quite place her. Behind her, wearing a handmaiden uniform, was an olive-skinned woman who also looked somehow familiar. Inre assumed this must be her bodyguard and her bodyguard’s Jedi Master.
“Do I know you?” she asked the girl.
“No, I don’t think so,” said the girl. “But let me introduce myself. I’m Barriss Offee…”
Hope you enjoyed it, sorry if it's kind of hard to read... my computer's "enter" key is stuck and it would take too long to manually click and space. Apologize again!
-----signature-----
Proud Member Of The Lumi Fan Club
I'm a Lumi/Wan shipper. If you are too, PM me!
"If God had meant for you to have just one cookie, you wouldn't have two hands." - My Grandpa
|
Locked Topic |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
Luminara_Kenobi
Registered:
Sep '06
|
Date Posted:
11/16/06 12:26am
Subject:
RE: Star Wars Episode 1 and a Half by the Padawan Pack
|
 ....  I....wow that was disturbing! I probably nearly woke my parents up with as many times as I tried to snort back laughter...  lol. I was sooo relieved every time it turned out to be an Obibot  lol, and I think the funniest part (other than baby Han--definetely my favorite part) was the fact that Luminara stayed in character and was calm and cool throughout the whole thing, even as a bird! And then it all turned out to be a dream...poor princess!
Nice job! 
-----signature-----
Oafie & Lulu  Long Live the original JA series--  why did it go out of print?! Long Live Freedom of Speech!!! Constantly thinking of new and innovative ways to shave Obi-Wan  I miss you, too.
|
Locked Topic |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
LuminaraFan4Evr
Registered:
Sep '06
|
Date Posted:
11/17/06 4:41pm
Subject:
RE: Star Wars Episode 1 and a Half by the Padawan Pack
- Date Edited:
12/19/06 2:47pm (1 edits total)
Edited By:
LuminaraFan4Evr
|
Yeah, we've actually gotten that reaction quite a lot... I know no one who just read that would believe it, but... he he he. Anyhow, yeah, there were a lot of Obi-Bots. In case anyone cared, this was written in school, under our desks during lectures. I wrote a sentence, then the next member of the Padawan Pack wrote one, and then the last member, and back to me. That's probably why it's so random...
Our lives last year are contained in that story. Disguised, of course, but still there. Inre reflects my best friend's love of being the "damsel in distress" also her love for Hayden Christensen aka Anakin. Shhh, though, don't tell! Thanks about Luminara. You think she stayed in character? Great! I thought she kind of lost it, you know, becoming a bird and biting Anakin... Oh, well.
Sorry I forgot to add this in the first one.... As much as i wish, the characters are not mine... only Inre and the Obi-Bots - and i have to share those with the other two members of the Padawan Pack! (catchy name huh lol!)
-----signature-----
Proud Member Of The Lumi Fan Club
I'm a Lumi/Wan shipper. If you are too, PM me!
"If God had meant for you to have just one cookie, you wouldn't have two hands." - My Grandpa
|
Locked Topic |
Active Topic Notification |
Private Message |
Post History
|
 |
|
